Voices and Visions
by Lattelady
Summary: 2006 BEST Of RAYNE WINNER. Jayne and River Mal and Inara romance. Deals with the aftermath of Miranda and what it meant for all of the crew. Sprinkling of Simon and Kaylee, Zoe and Wash memories
1. Through the Keyhole of Time

5

**Rating**: PG-13

**Pairing**: J/R; M/I; S/K; Zoë/Wash memories

**Disclaimer**: It all belongs to Joss, except for the quote from F.W.W. Hipwell and the one by Lao Tzu

**Timeline**: Chapter 1 takes place during The Message, all of the rest of the story, after the Movie.

**_Voices and Visions_**

By

_Lattelady_

**_Ch 1. Through The Keyhole of Time_**

River Tam moved through the ship, trying to find the odd voice that had started as a tickle at the back of her neck when they took-off from the SkyPlex. It had crept up on her slowly. Becoming louder and louder in her mind, until it drowned out the calming hum that was _Serenity_ at her happiest: flying free in the Black.

She knew she had her moments of crazy and might have them all her life, but this was not one of them. The new drugs Simon had been giving her, hushed the multitude of anguished cries that had been throbbing in her head for so long that she'd forgotten when they had begun. The medications, also, allowed her to slowly build walls to protect the fragile areas of her brain that had been cut away leaving jagged emptiness instead of protection against others' thoughts in a world where emotion and pain ran rampant.

Over the last five months she had come to recognize the inner voices and feelings of the crew who shared her life on the ship. Most of the time she was able to successfully block them out, unless they caught her unawares with a flare of temper or passion that was strong enough to breach her newly formed defenses. So it was no surprise when she walked slowly into the cargo bay and found Jayne and the Shepherd at the bench press, quietly talking, instead of the empty room she'd expected.

The girl ignored the men and followed the voice, which only she could hear, the one that didn't belong on _Serenity_. It spoke of danger, death and deception. She tried to focus on the coffin that was the only unusual thing in the bay, instead of the Preacher and the Merc discussing their philosophies on how to best deal with death.

"_It makes sense, makes you feel alive, I'd venture." _Book understood the Mercenary's need for physical release when someone had died. Though he was a man of God now, he remembered a past he'd rather forget, a time when he'd once been more deadly than Jayne Cobb could, or, ever would be.

Any other time River would have been fascinated by what they had to say. But she was closing in on her quarry, and the voice called to her, though she couldn't make out its words. Her attention was split between the conversation the men were having and the thoughts that seemed to be coming from the long metal box.

"_Now for psychology that don't sound half dumb._ _My kinda life don't last long, Preacher." _Jayne stood and played nervously with the orange hat his mother had just sent him_"I expect I'm invested in making good sport of it whilst I can." _He thought for a moment, unsure if he wanted to ask the question that had been gnawing at his insides for a while now. Then he figured, _'what the hell? Now was as good a time as any.'_ _ "You gonna read over me when I get taken down, Shepherd?"_

The girl's lips curved into a tiny smile and she allowed herself to picture Jayne as the old man she knew he would live to be. The many, many years he'd spend with his large hand wrapped around a smaller delicate one that belonged to the woman he loved and who loved him, despite their explosive beginning. She'd never had any doubts about how it would be for them. She'd seen it when she'd slashed him with the knife. Blood to blood, it always ran true and it never lied.

River took a deep breath and let go of the warm feelings that filled her when she though about her future. It was a future that would never happen unless the present was attended to. She spread her slim body across the cool box that contained the remains of Zoë and Mal's friend and wrapped her arms around the sides to search deeper for the strange voice. Then Book began to speak and when she heard his words, they hit a fissure deep within her.

"_Well I suspect you'll be around long after we're all…"_

Her heart pounded as colors flared and a tiny crack was opened in the Universe. Lights splintered behind her eyes and she could see pieces of a path that wasn't hers to tread. Suddenly the girl was peeking through a small odd shaped opening to the future. Before her was a dry, dusty planet, surrounded by death and destruction. The Preacher laid on his back, at the base of a large gun, blood drying in the corner of his mouth. His eyes were glassy and lifeless. Then she saw a hill with three grave markers that blurred and swam as her eyes filled with tears. No matter how hard she tried to focus, the only name she could make out was that of Derrial Book.

"_What the hell." _Jayne turned in shock at the sight of River laying flat on the coffin._ "What the hell ya doing?"_

As he shouted, the girl jumped and the door slammed shut. The rest of her vision was lost and the voice from the box below her began drumming loudly through her mind again.

"_I'm very comfortable,"_ she called out quietly, but ducked her head so they couldn't see her face. If they did, she knew they would see tears rolling down her cheeks. When Shepherd Book had spoken of death, she'd seen it. She'd seen Book's death and later Jayne standing over his grave. There was more she needed to see, but the harder she tried, the more it slipped away, until there was nothing left but the sure knowledge that the Shepherd would soon meet a violent end.

She tried once again, but no matter how hard she concentrated on returning to the moment and seeing the rest of her vision, it was blocked from her sight. She didn't hear Book leave the cargo bay or Jayne grunt and return to his weights. She fought to focus on what she'd seen, but it wouldn't return and the strange voice she'd been seeking kept getting louder and louder, but telling her nothing at all.

In anger River muttered sarcastically, "'_For I dipped into the future, as far as the human eye could see. Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonders that can be.'_" She knew she'd seen disaster, but there was nothing she could do about it. Giving into her frustration at her inability to see more, she pounded her small fist on the coffin.

"Hey there, Girl, that's no way to be actin'." Jayne angrily clanked his weights into the holder and in three large steps made his way across the Bay. "Now git off that thing and show some respect for the dead."

"Dead?" she questioned, but her mind skipped back to the important issue of her vision. "No wonders to be seen, only the dead shown in bits and pieces." She slid to the deck but hid her face behind her long dark hair.

"You keep up that crazy talkin' an I'm gonna get your brother. Git him to drug you up good this time."

"No, please no." She shook her hair over her shoulder and looked up at Jayne. Her large tear-filled brown eyes begging him for all manner of things he didn't understand.

"River," Simon's voice called from a distance.

"Please," she whispered to the large man standing over her. In one lithe movement she was on her feet and across the cargo bay. Jayne blinked over his shoulder as she disappeared into the shadows under the catwalk.

"Well, damn," he muttered and headed back to his bench press. "I couldn't have done better myself." The Girl sure did know some tricks when it came to makin' herself blend with her surroundings.

"Jayne, have you seen River?" The Doc leaned over the balcony, while he scanned the area below.

"She was layin' on the coffin there for a bit." Jayne grinned at the shocked expression on the younger man's face. Even knowing where Crazy Girl was hiding, he couldn't see her, weren't likely that brother of hers would. "Guess she must'a took off somewheres."

"If you see her, please let her know I'm looking for her." Simon headed back toward the engine room. It was quiet, so he doubted his sister was getting into any trouble. Today he had problems of his own that needed taking care of. He'd made a mess of things with Kaylee, again, and he had to try and find some way to make them right.

"Sure thing, Doc," Jayne grunted. "Okay, Girl, he's gone." The Merc watched as River gracefully slid out of the shadows. "You're sure good at hidin' when you want to, ain't ya?" He could hear the soft scuff of her boots on the deck, but he chose to ignore it and continue liftin' weights The Preacher was right, workin' out hard after a death did make him feel real alive.

"Jayne," she whispered as she nibbled on her lower lip. While they'd been talking the strange voice she'd been hearing since _Serenity_ left the SkyPlex was reduced to almost nothing. He made her feel safe. She wanted him to feel safe too. "You needn't worry. The Shepherd was correct," her whispered words made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Whadda ya mean?" He dropped the weight into its holder and yanked her closer with a large hand around her slim wrist.

"You will outlive the Preacher by many decades." River was caught in the deep blue fire of his eyes and couldn't look away if her life depended on it. She wasn't aware that her hand had slipped over his where he was gripping her hard enough to leave finger marks.

"That's crazy talk!" As much as he wanted to believe her, he knew that to do so would be the same as steppin' in front of a bullet. "Men like me don't live to be old. We take a slug or a knife or somethin' like that and then we die." The words ripped from his throat as he glared at her.

"You will live to see your children's children settled happily in their lives," River whispered. She didn't tell him the rest and she knew that she never would. She'd never tell him that he'd die in his sleep an old man, with his arms wrapped tightly around her. She'd never tell him that she'd only out-live him by a matter of hours because as she became aware that he was no longer with her, her heart would cry out and stop, unable to face even one sunrise without him by her side.

"Children," Jayne hooted. "Ain't no way, Crazy Girl. I'm careful when I get me some trim, always get my innocs before I go dirt-side."

She shrugged and pulled her wrist from his grasp. She made it as far as the door to the passenger dorm before she turned and looked back at the large man frowning at her. "The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, lived a long time ago on Earth-that-was. He said that _'To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.'_ It is something you should think about Jayne Cobb."

"Girl you're plum loco!" he yelled at her receding back. "Gorramnit Girl, come back here when I'm talkin' to ya. Ain't no way that's gonna happen. The only girls I love are my guns!" But she had disappeared before he'd finished. He muttered to himself about crazy moonbrained girls havin' the run of the ship and tried to ignore the tightening in his belly when he remembered her small soft hand rubbin' over his large rough one.

**_TBC_**


	2. Tentative Beginnings

15

**Disclaimer: **It all belongs to Joss

**Rating: PG-13**

**Pairings: **J/R; M/I; S/K; Wash's memory/Zoë

**Notes: **I'm going to attempt to link the chapters for ease of reading.

_**Voices and Visions**_

By

_**Lattelady**_

_**Ch 2. Tentative Beginnings**_

Captain Malcolm Reynolds sighed as he headed toward the cargo bay. There wasn't a muscle in his body that didn't hurt. It was a toss-up weather he or _Serenity_ had been damaged worse in the battle on Mr. Universe's Moon, but like his boat he was on the mend.

Times like this, he was tempted to thank a God, he no longer believed in, that Jayne Cobb always ran true to form. When they'd high-tailed it out of the Maidenhead six weeks earlier, the big man had been bloodied, bruised and furious from takin a beatin from a wisp of a girl, but he'd remembered to grab the stolen money from the heist on Lilac.

Fanty and Mingo had been among the injured when River Tam's tendency toward brain hick-ups had exploded into a supernova. He'd learned later that the Operative had finished off the job the girl had started. No one who had glimpsed her abilities, that day, had been allowed to live, except for those on his boat. There wasn't a need to go back and give the twins their twenty-five percent cut. Even with all that cash, and the crew doin' most of the work, it was gonna be touch and go getting _Serenity_ in shape to pass an inspection that'd allow her to take to the Black anytime soon.

……………………….

Once most of the damage was cleared away, and there wasn't much muscle work to be done, Jayne found himself paired-up with River in work details. He coulda made a fuss and fought with Zoë to do at least some of the weldin', but it didn't take no genius to see that the woman needed hard physical labor to keep her busy durin' the day and allow her to sleep at night.

There was a lot of rewiring necessary and Crazy-Girl was the only one small enough to fit in the ducts that ran parallel to the circuitry. They'd rigged a sling and he would lower her where she needed to go. Usually he could tie off his end, and wait until she needed to be moved up or down a ways, but there had been a time or two when he'd had to hold her dangling at the end of the line.

He found he liked working with River. It didn't make no sense and he wasn't a man who did much soul-searchin'. He settled his mind on the fact that she was quiet and got the job done. It took him a bit to realize that he was the only one who saw how bad the girl was hurtin'. The others were so relieved that she wasn't throwin' fits no longer they missed seein' the other changes in her.

'Course they weren't workin with her eight to ten hours a day, so they didn't see the way her eyes clouded over and filled with tears everytime Zoë passed her line of sight. They didn't realize that she never laughed anymore, 'cause nobody was doin' much of that. She didn't even grab food off his plate or snitch the last roll at dinner, though why in the gorramn universe he'd miss that he wasn't sure.

Even Inara, who probably knew more about feelin's than the rest of the crew combined, didn't see the Girl's pain. Jayne shook his head and thought on the matter for a moment, but couldn't come up with nothing.

"Girlie," he shouted, leaning into the duct as far as his bulk would allow.

"There were more conduits that needed attending to than I had anticipated. It will be a few more minutes." She kept her eyes on her nimble fingers as she worked tiny cables this way and that. She found it soothing to mend a part of _Serenity's_ brain, something she could identify with. "You needn't worry, the cracks won't show," she whispered to the ship and gave it a gentle pat.

"Do what ya gotta do. I got a question for you." He called down. _'Might as well make use of a genius if ya got one handy,' _Jayne thought.

"A question?" she didn't try to hide her surprise. The big man didn't usually come to her when he was seeking knowledge.

"Yeah, what's goin' on with Inara?" Looking at the girl below him, he suddenly had her full attention. She tried to hide it by reaching way up with the flat of her hand on the duct and turning her body into it. A small moan of pleasure escaped her lips as her arm, shoulder and back stretched in that odd way that only she seemed capable of doing.

Jayne's eyes almost popped outta their sockets. He knew River wasn't wearing one of her usual dresses. She was doin' close work, in a small space, so she had on her shorts and a tiny, thin strapped top of some kind. He'd seen the Girl in that outfit a lot over the last two weeks, but all of the sudden he was really seein' her. The Kid had curves, very nice ones. He knew if he wasn't careful, that little moan he'd just heard was gonna be payin' him visits at inopportune times.

"I will not read her thoughts," she responded as she sat back into the sling.

"I ain't askin' for that, gorramnit! I was just wonderin' you bein' female and smart and all, maybe you knew. She don't look real happy and she's kinda you know, detached."

River scrunched up her face as she listened carefully to his words looking for a hidden meaning, but all she found was a tinge of concern in the Mercenary's voice. Having worked so hard to be able to wall out other's thoughts, she was reluctant to share anything she knew, without express permission, no matter how she'd gained the knowledge. "Inara is a very private person. The losses," her voice broke, but she forced herself to go on. "The losses have been hard on all of us. I believe she is dealing with them in the only way she can." The girl ran her thumb nail over the rope blinking as fast as she could to keep tears from filling her eyes. She didn't want to talk about Miranda or everything that it included, but it was a hard subject to avoid.

"It's ain't your fault, ya know." The words were out of Jayne's mouth before he could stop them. He didn't know a damn think about comfortin' females, especially young, slight odd ones.

"I do not wish to discuss it." She swiped quickly at her face and hoped that he hadn't seen her movement, or if he had, that he would believe she was wiping away some dirt instead of the hot tears that were threatening to fall. She was glad the voices where no longer screaming in her head, but the price had been more than she would have been willing to pay, if she had been consulted.

There wasn't much that got past Jayne Cobb, when he paid attention, and he knew the exact second when River Tam had grabbed a hold 'a his. It had been when the blast doors had parted to show the tiny girl standin' atop a pile of dead Reavers. So he saw her tears and understood their cause, but there weren't nothing he could do about them at the moment and even if there was, he wasn't sure he'd do it. In frustration the Merc pulled outta the duct and leaned against the bulkhead. Damn, she confused him.

It was easier to worry on Inara than to waste time thinkin' on Crazy-Girl. He figured River knew a whole lot more than she was lettin' on, but that still didn't tell him why the older woman wasn't doin' something about the pain the kid was goin' through. He played Moonbrain's words back once more in his head. It wasn't like he had anything better to do while he waited.

It finally hit him. Inara's hard earned Companion control had flown out the airlock. She was holdin' tight to keep her own feelings from bouncin' off the walls. It kept her from seein what anyone else was goin' through. She was hurtin like the rest of 'em since Wash and Book had slipped on, but it was more than that. He'd seen her face when Mal had keeled over, white as a sheet, after his fight with the Operative. And he'd watched her sit for hours; lookin' a bit lost, refusin' to leave the waitin area, while the Captain had been in surgery.

Jayne knew somethin' else about the woman, somethin' he didn't think River had picked up on. 'Nara had gotten herself some broken ribs somewhere along the line. He'd been in too many fist fights to miss the signs. He'd, also, seen the dark bruises her skimpy costume hadn't hidden, when they'd gone to hold off the Reavers. Ain't no way those black and blue marks had been caused when _Serenity_ had crashed. They'd been at least a day old. He figured it must'a been when she and Mal had tangled with the Operative at the Companion Trainin' House.

Simon had to be in on the her secret, 'cause he'd seen the Doc chewin' her out for tryin' to move her own ladder when she'd painted her pretty writtin' on _Serenity's_ hull. Thinkin' back on it, Kaylee or River were always around to do any liftin' the other woman might need doin'. '_Damn,'_ he gritted his teeth. He'd thought he had one up on  
the little crazy girl.

Then he smiled and his eyes twinkled. It was gonna get mighty entertainin' around this old boat when Mal finally pulled his head outta his ass and figured out what was goin' on. All those hot sexy looks and passionate fights between the Captain and the Companion, goin' on two years now, just might explode into something real interestin'. Maybe that was what they needed to get them out of the gorramn funk they'd all been in.

The Merc felt the rope beside his elbow being tugged at. It was the signal that River used when she was ready to be brought back up. "Jayne, I have completed my task," her voice echoed from far below. She sounded tired and in pain and the big man decided that some Jayne style teasin' was what she needed.

"Ya have, have ya?" He wiggled his eyebrows at her and grinned. "And that means what?"

"Pull me back up, please." She redid the clip that Inara had loaned her to keep her hair out of her face while she worked and looked up at Jayne expectantly.

"Ya should be glad I don't hold no grudges against ya." He reached for the rope and began pulling hand over hand.

"I think the score is more than even or you would be Reaver meat." As she spoke, her upward movement stopped.

"What's that you say?" He lowered her back to her previous position and laughed.

"Jayne!" She bit her lips to keep from smiling at his antics. They both knew she was capable of climbing out of the duct if she chose to. But they also knew that if the Captain caught her, there would be hell to pay.

"Your brother and Mal are always usin' my weights, doin' their 'physical therapy', I ain't had a chance to work-out for a piece. You're just a bitty thing, but you'll do. Sound like fun?"

She crossed her arms and gave him the look she usually reserved for Simon, the one that said someone was a boob.

"Okay, so you don't want to ride up and down, you can always go round and round." He began to turn the rope in his hands until he had River moving clockwise, in the duct, ten feet above the hull.

She tried to grip the walls, but they were slippery with dust and she refused to grab onto any of the wiring she'd just worked so hard to replace.

"See that's what happens when little Crazy-Girls don't wear their work gloves." It was a point of contention between them and it was too good an opportunity for Jayne to let pass.

"Stop, you're making me dizzy." She rolled her eyes at the man high above her. "I don't need my gloves if you're handling the rope. Besides they get in my way when I'm doing delicate work."

"All your talkin's what's causin' the dizziness. I just might lose hold a ya." To demonstrate he carefully lowered her about two feet then brought her back to her original position.

"Dizzy, dizzy, that is not helping." She tried to glare at him, but ended up smiling.

"You was born dizzy, Girl." What the gorramn hell was he doing? Naw, he wasn't flirtin' with Crazy Girl. He was just teasin' her, like he planned, that was all it was. He was sick and tired of seein' the sad look on her face.

"Dizzy or not, I can still take you down." Her eyes sparkled with delight at his indignant expression.

"Ya gotta get outta that hole first." Jayne sent her his wickedest grin but all she did was laugh.

"Anytime, anywhere, Big Man," her challenging words were like velvet and he could almost feel them rub against his skin. It made him shiver, not in fear, but in anticipation, of…of…he wasn't sure what.

He didn't feel Inara brush past him and didn't see her lean over the railing to call down to the Captain and Simon workin' out in the cargo bay. "Dinner will be ready in about twenty-five minutes, everybody." The Companion turned and noticed Jayne leaning into the duct at waist level. "Jayne, is River down there?"

"Just gettin' ready to bring her up." He put on his meanest scowl before he faced the woman standin' beside him. "We're done here for the day."

'Nara wanted to nod in acknowledgement, but the man's angry face didn't match the soft quality of his voice. It made her take a second look. "Thank you for helping her like this. I know it's got to be boring for you."

"Wouldn't want Crazy to fall and land on her head. She just got those brains of hers unscrambled." He shrugged his big shoulders and gripped the rope.

'Nara patted his arm before taking one last look into the cargo bay. "No we wouldn't want to do any damaged to anyone who's finally on the mend." She whispered, blinking back tears, as she headed to the Galley, unable to forget that Mal had almost died.

"Jayne," River called and yanked on the end of the rope. It was evident she'd lost his attention. "You're assistance is needed."

"'Nara says dinner's almost ready," he shook himself and looked down at a small pale upturned face, fifteen feet below him. "Up ya go, Girlie." He pulled River up slowly, unable to drag his eyes away from hers. Then suddenly she was there right in front of him. She usually grabbed the outer rim of the duct-opening as soon as it was within reach and jumped up and out in her smooth graceful way, but not this time. She was griping the rope as if her life depended on it.

"I didn't really make ya dizzy, did I?" He carefully loosened her hold and put her hands on his shoulders. "Hold on tight."

"Not dizzy just…." she was unsure how to describe how she felt. Almost like there were butterflies dancing 'Swan Lake' in her stomach, but her head didn't spin and it wasn't at all unpleasant.

He looked her over from head to toe, doing his own assessment before he wrapped his large hands around her slim waste. "Ya ready, River?" She only nodded in return and suddenly he wondered what in the ruttin' hell he was really askin'. He had no doubt that she probably knew. "Then here we go." And he didn't let go of her until he had her feet securely to the deck.

Jayne shivered as he felt her breath against his neck, but tried to ignore that she was still holding on to him. "Let's get you out of this harness." With one hand he unclipped the riggin' around her waist. With the other he lightly ran his fingers over her hair to removed wisps of wiring that clung to it. "I'll get this stuff stowed, you got just enough time to clean up 'afore dinner."

As the harness hit the floor she loosened her grip on Jayne's shoulders and forced herself to step back. It was hard to catch her breath, but she fought to look as normal as possible. "Thank you," she murmured and fled toward the passenger dorm.

"Captain," the girl briefly nodded to the man lost in thought at the bottom of the stairs.

"River," he smiled at her as she breezed past, but as soon as she was out of sight, the smile left his face. He'd been doin' it again, starin' around the cargo bay lookin' for crew members who would never be there again.

He made it as far as the hall above and leaned against the railing. He could hear Inara workin' on dinner. Jayne was headed below to put away the gear he and River had been usin'. In the background Mal heard a mixture of voices that told him all was safe and secure, or as safe and secure as it would be, until they were back in the Black.

His body hurt. It wasn't something he wanted to admit. The physical therapy program Simon had put him on was helpin', something else he hated to admit. He shook his head every time he thought about it. He'd seen the Doc and Jayne workin' at the table after dinner two nights runnin'. Unbeknownst to him the younger man was drawin' muscles and the Merc came up with ways to exercise them. It had been funny when it had only been Simon who was walkin' around the cargo bay with a piece of paper in his hand, followin' what he had called "a prescribed régime". It t'weren't so funny when he'd been given his, all written out in a combination of the Doc's precise Core world hand writing, and Jayne's sloppy cursive.

_Serenity_ was really comin' along, beginning to look like her old self, but he wasn't sure how he felt about havin' had no say-so at the beginning. He'd been in the hospital the longest. By the time he was up and about, his boat was already at the repair yard at the northern tip of Eavesdown Docks, getting as much of a refit as they could afford. Even with the entire take from the bank job, it was necessary for the crew to do a lot of the work and there were things that were just gonna have to be done at a later date.

That gorramn Operative's gorramn sword had ruptured Mal's spleen and it galled him somethin' fierce that he'd almost bled to death and hadn't even realized it. The last thing he'd remembered seeing was Inara reaching for him as his body had slowly slid down the wall. The bright light from the suddenly opened room had thrown shadows on her face, but he'd seen it had been pinched with fear and her eyes had been filled with tears. That's when he knew he was in real trouble. He'd tried to tell her somethin', but his vision had faded to black and he didn't remember anything until he woke up in an Alliance hospital ship with an incision in his side.

Like he did every night just before dinner, the Captain did a head count, but no matter how often he did it, the numbers never came out right. There were always only seven, where there shoulda been nine. He slowly ticked them off in his mind, always in the same order.

One – Inara was rattlin' around in the Galley, workin on dinner. It was somethin he wasn't ready to conjure on yet. She'd been doin' the cookin since they'd been able to move back onto the ship. At first she'd been the only one besides Jayne or River who was well enough to perform the duties. Given his two hired guns' lack of abilities around a cookin pot, that had been a no-brainer. The fact that she was good in the kitchen and had been willing to keep on doin' the shoppin' for supplies and then preparin' all the meals was another somethin' he wasn't ready to look too closely at.

Two - Zoë's back was on the mend and Simon had promised to revise her scar if it thickened and shrank hindering her mobility. But it was her heart that everyone worried about. Her husband was dead and though she went about her normal routine, a piece of her was missing and Mal doubted she'd ever be the same.

Three - Kaylee still had occasional dizziness from the poison darts, she'd been shot with, but her bouts of vertigo were growing less and less frequent. She spent most of her time in the engine room, or with the Doc. She'd sit there watchin' him and sometimes she'd even smile. Mal hated the Alliance for blottin' out her sunshine, but he could tell by the way the young couple exchanged looks that it wasn't gonna be no time at all before she'd be doin' a mite better.

Four - River had fought a boatload of Reavers as if they were her own personal demons and he conjured, that they probably was. She'd come out of it with a few bangs and bruises and one very colorful bite. The Girl was as sane as Mal had ever seen her. Between being slowly taken her off her medications and the secret of Miranda bein' revealed, she was getting stronger everyday. Enough so that he'd approached her about learnin' to pilot the ship.

If she still had nightmares, no one was awakened by her screamin'. And given what they'd all been through, he doubted there was a single member of his crew that didn't occasionally wake in the dark of night shiverin' in fear. He could hardly fault the girl if she did too.

She had told him that she was still a reader and a fighter. But now she could pick and choose who to read. She worked hard to wall out the people around her. They deserved their privacy and she had no wish to hear any voices but her own. She was willing to use her abilities to help them survive and had no qualms about using them against the people who had forced them upon her.

Five - Simon had been gut shot, but he'd recovered quickly after the initial trauma of surgery. The crew was relieved when he had been able to take over from the Alliance Medical Officer and oversee their care. It was seein' the Doc and his Merc workin' together and not arguin' that made him a might twitchy. But that had been nothing compared to how twitchy he'd become when presented with the weight liftin' program they'd drawn up for him. The younger man called it physical therapy. The Mercenary had just laughed and called it turning the Captain into a man of action.

Six - Jayne had recovered from his bullet wound the fastest. He'd been out of his sling and workin on _Serenity_ within a few days of gettin' back from the funeral on Haven. But there was somethin' else eatin' at the big man. He didn't fight or argue like he used to and he was gettin' along with the Tams, both of 'em. Not like they was all friendly like, but there were none of the insults that used to fly and make the Captain want to toss all three of 'em outta the airlock just to get some peace and quiet. He wasn't sure which worried him more, the fact that the Merc hadn't complained about usin' all the money from the Lilac job to fix the boat or that he hadn't complained about bein' assigned to work duty with River.

Seven – No matter how hard Mal looked, he had to admit that only he was left. He knew somethin' had changed when he'd stood before his crew and told them he aimed to misbehave. It had been his way of askin them to sacrifice everything for a cause he believed in to the depths of his soul. It was a feelin he hadn't had since the war and wasn't sure he was comfortable with it.

…………………………………

River walked quietly to the bridge. She hadn't bothered to clean up before dinner. Instead she'd used the time to go over _Serenity's_ schematics one more time, and had finally found the circuit board that had been eluding her. Once she retrieved it and did the repairs necessary, they would have hot water again. But first she wanted to talk to Zoë.

"May I come in," she asked softly as she stood in the entrance to the bridge. "I need to speak with you in private."

"I been expectin' you." The warrior woman turned in Wash's chair to face the small slim girl. "I gather the Captain talked to you about learnin' to pilot. You gonna do it?"

River gnawed on her lip and fought tears, but was unsuccessful. "I won't, if you would rather I didn't." Her voice broke and she couldn't go on.

"Ahhh, come here, Little One," Zoë was caught unawares by tears that filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She opened her arms and pulled the child into her embrace. "Don't cry, don't cry," she begged, unsure if she was talking to the girl or herself. In the end it didn't matter. Both women gave into the emotional storm they were caught in and rode it out clinging to one another. One was crying for a lost love, the other because she couldn't block out the older woman's pain or her own guilt.

"I didn't see, I really didn't," River wept. "I couldn't drown out the voices that screamed of death. I'd give anything to be able to go back and change it. I'm so sorry."

"Shhh, baby. Everything is gonna be all right." She fought to get her feelings under control, but was unable to do so. It was the first time she had cried since Wash had passed and it felt damn good.

Later when they had calmed down, Zoë sat in the pilot's chair with River on the floor resting her head on the woman's knee. "It really wasn't your fault and don't give me any of that _go se_ about you not bein' here, it wouldn't a happened."

River's lip began to quiver again, but she bit down hard on it. "That's what Jayne says."

"Hump, didn't think I'd ever agree with anything that man had to say, but in this case he's right." Zoë shrugged and delicately ran her finger down the back of one of Wash's dinosaurs. "Now back to the original question. You gonna help us out and learn to fly this here boat?"

"Is it all right with you if I do?" She thought for a moment before adding, "It is something I would enjoy very much."

"I'd hate to see a stranger sitting up here." The woman caressed the arm of Wash's chair with one hand and ran the other through the girl's long dark hair. "Nobody loves _Serenity_ the way you do, least ways not anyone who's still among the livin'. And I don't care what the Captain says. He loves this boat, but not like you. I've seen you caress her rusty old bulkheads as you move through the corridors." She thought for a moment and tried to untangle her emotions. "I guess I just have one condition. You gotta leave the dinosaurs where they are."

"Can't fly without them," River grinned, looking up at Zoë's serious face. "They know all the secrets that can't be found in books. They will teach me things only he knew."

"Yup, they just might." She nodded, not the least surprised that the once crazy girl was making complete sense.

She watched the girl get up to leave and knew there was one more thing she had to tell her. She just hoped she could do it without crying again. "River," she closed her eyes so if she failed, her tears wouldn't be seen. "Even if you'd told him how it would end for him, he wouldn't have done it any differently," Zoë's voice broke, but she forced herself to go on. "He died doing what he loved best, flyin' this boat like os piece of magic."

"You're wrong Zoë, it was what he loved second best," she whispered and patted the woman's shaking shoulders.

"For sure?" Her face was hidden in her hands and she hated that she needed to hear the words.

"For very sure," River smiled at the knowledge she shouldn't have had, but was glad she did. "What you brought to him was his magic."

………………………………..

After leaving Zoë with her ghosts on the bridge, River knocked on Jayne's hatch. She wanted to get the last circuit board and begin repairing it. The Captain might not place hot water high on the priority of things to be fixed, but she did.

The big man grunted at her. His head and shoulder were sticking out of his bunk, while she knelt beside him on the deck of the hall. "I gotta weapon up first. If I'm gonna lower you down from a duct outside the ship, I ain't doin' it without a gun. Eavesdown Docks is might dangerous anytime a day, but especially after the sun goes down. Never can tell who might be lurkin' about."

"I'll get the rope and sling and meet you in the cargo bay." River had been careful to keep her hair almost covering her face, but either Jayne had grown more perceptive or she'd grown careless, because he reached over and gentle pushed away the deep brown curtain that had been hiding her eyes.

"You been cryin', Girl," he stated the obvious and ran an ungloved hand over her damp cheek.

"I had to talk Zoë." She looked directly into his deep blue eyes needing him to understand. Then added more to herself than to him. "She is the strongest woman I've ever met."

"You're damn strong yourself, Little Girl." He didn't know anyone else who could have survived what had been done to her at that Academy and there sure as gorramn hell weren't anyone else who he knew who could take on Reavers and come out the winner.

She gently shook her head thinking of a future she knew she could never tell him about. If what she'd seen when she'd sliced his chest was really the vision she believed it to be and not a crazed hallucination, she knew that she would not have the courage to go on as Zoë did. So she smiled and told him the only truth she could, "Tears wash away the pain and cleanse the soul."

"Did these?"

"Not completely, but to all things there is a beginning." She shivered as she felt her eyes fill again. "Wash filled her with happiness. When he left he took his magic with him."

"I was askin' 'bout you." He ran his large work-worn thumb over her soft cheek. "You workin' on gettin' rid of some of that guilt you been carryin' around?"

"Jayne is very perceptive," she murmured.

"Naw, Jayne has had nothing to do but watch you workin' all day for the last few weeks. A wall coulda figured it out. "

"I'm going to be the new pilot." She smiled wanting badly to change the subject.

"Ya don't say. That should be right interestin'." He stepped back down into his bunk as she stood in the hall above. "I gotta get Betty and meetcha, but don't even start to key in the pass code 'till I'm there, ya hear!" His glare meant business so River didn't bother to remind him that she was well able to take care of herself. She was more interested in getting hot water for the showers than arguing with Jayne.

**_TBC_**


	3. Ghosts

29

**Disclaimer: **They belong to Joss; I just like to play with them

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **Rayne with a small mention of M/I in this chapter

**_Voices and Visions_**

By

_Lattelady_

_**Ch 3 Ghosts**_

"You sure you want to do this tonight, Girlie?" Jayne had doubts as he watched River collect their gear. Her eyes were still red and puffy from cryin' when she'd talked to Zoë earlier, but she seemed determined as she headed toward the control box to unlock the cargo bay door.

"I am sure," she nodded. "If there isn't much damage to the circuit board I can fix it and we can replace it tonight."

"Hold you're horses. I never said nothing 'bout hangin' 'round whilst you fiddle with that tiny solderin' thingy Kaylee gave ya, just so's I can lower you back down the shaft to replace that gorramn board." It wasn't much later than ten o'clock, but everyone else had gone to their bunks and that was what Jayne wanted to do. Couldn't work all day with a skimpily clad female and not end up with urges that needed tendin' to.

"It will take eleven hours and thirty-three minutes to completely cycle and heat the water in the holding tanks. If we get this taken care of tonight, it will be the optimal temperature for bathing by morning."

When he glared at her, she glared back and then stiffened her body until she was imitating him completely. "Weapons, women, food and hot showers, gotta take care of a body's cravin's." With each word her voice lowered until she sounded exactly like the Mercenary. Then she shrugged and dropped back into her own speech pattern and stance. "Where they fall on your list of priorities depends on your mood of the moment."

"Hey, Crazy-Girl, I thought you wasn't readin' our minds no longer," his voice was slow and deadly with an expression to match. Her words had hit too close to what he'd been thinkin' on for comfort.

"I do not, but there are things I can't help knowing." River pursed her lips to keep them from quivering. Her conversation with Zoë, less than twenty minutes earlier, had badly cracked and shaken her mental walls. She had been battling to repair and rebuild what had been damaged ever since. "I have no wish to hear other's thoughts or feel their emotions. My head gets too crowded and I don't know what belongs to me and what does not." She looked up at him, blinking quickly to keep her eyes from filling with tears. "But I can't erase what is already there, as much as I would like to."

He felt guilty for accusin' her 'a readin' his mind, and even worse for makin' her cry. He knew that she was doin' everything in her power to give those around her privacy and herself peace and quiet. The angry words had just slipped outta his mouth. Disgusted with himself and not wantin' to show it, he shot her a glare. "Well, if we're gonna do this; let's get a move on it."

"Hot showers are high on my list of priorities, too." She offered him information about herself, as she keyed in the security code to open the door. "I like weapons, as well and food is necessary to sustain life, but I have no interest in women the way Jayne does, I prefer…."

"_Hao le_, Girlie, ya ain't supposed to be tellin' me stuff like that!" He cut her off before she could finish. It weren't proper to be talkin about sexin' things with the girl.

"I knew those things about you. It is only fair you know them about me." She tried to explain.

"Gorramnit, it don't take no mind-readin' to figure that stuff out 'bout me, hell I bet everybody on this old boat knows what I like." He glared at her. "Just like I'd already figured out ya like hot showers, else we wouldn't be doin' this now. You'd a waited 'till Kaylee was awake, tomorrow, and used the duct in her bunk. The weapons part," he shrugged and went on, unsure if it was wise. "Deadly things recognize each other, and it's a mite bit hard to not like something that's a part of your own self. But the other thing." He stood tall and glared at her. "I don't want to know nothing about, ya hear me! You're just a little girl and shouldn't be havin' thoughts about…about…"

"But…."

"Not a word. No one single word!" He shook his finger an inch from her nose then turned and headed out the door, she'd just unlocked. River followed behind him rolling her eyes at his chauvinistic attitude.

Nimble as a cat, she climbed over _Serenity's_ port thruster and reached down as Jayne handed her their equipment. "Keep a sharp eye out there, Girlie," he ordered as he pulled Betty from his holster and handed her the gun butt first. "Still got the safety on," he warned, though figured the kid knew that without lookin'.

After following her up, they quickly and quietly made their way to the area, which had been indicated on the ship's blueprints. Jayne punched in the code that opened the duct through the upper hull. He could feel River standing quiet and still at his back, and knew she was watchin' for movement in the ship yards. It took him a moment to realize he felt safe. As the thought flitted through his mind, he quickly dismissed it as unimportant. _''Course he felt safe,'_ he added to himself just to be sure he wasn't makin' more of the situation than there was. _'The girl had taken out a passel of Reavers. Who wouldn't trust her ta cover his back?'_

"Gimme the gun and get into that there harness." He called out gruffly to bring a halt to where his mind was takin' him. He knew there had been a time when he wouldn't ta wanted ta be alone with her if'n she had a cup a water in her hand, let alone one a his guns, but that had all changed somewhere around the time 'a Miranda. It wasn't a matter he liked thinkin' on, 'cause he was a loner and t'weren't no one he trusted completely 'septin' his own self.

Jayne heard her quickly step outta her boots and into the rigging, but his eyes were on their surroundin's. "Be sure to pull them straps good and tight." He was tempted to reach out to help her, but refused to let his concentration be pulled from guardin' the area.

The sling was little more than a padded leather swing with leg loops that fit around River's upper thighs to keep her steady as she worked. He'd insisted on adding safety belts that wound around her hips and waist, after she used it the first time. She'd been a mite careless and reached too far to her left, and endin' up danglin' upside down from the contraption. Crazy-Girl coulda fallin' twenty feet to the deck below, if'n her reflexes hadn't been so quick.

"I am ready," River whispered. "According to the schematics I need to be lowered ten feet and four inches. We must be quiet, because I will be directly above Kaylee's bunk."

"Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with, it's gettin' damn chilly out here." Jayne frowned and took a last look around.

"The perimeters are safe. No jackals roam tonight." There was no inflection to her voice as she concentrated on their surroundings. Her head was tilted slightly to the right while she sniffed the air, but kept her eyes closed.

"_Tamade_, you tryin' ta scare me to death, Moonbrain?" The big man turned slowly as he felt his skin tingle. He hated it when she went all creepafying. It reminded him too much of how she'd been before.

She faced him and looked up with a crooked smile. "You are not afraid of me, and you never have been. You worried about the death and destruction that followed behind me, but that is all." It was one of the reasons she felt comfortable working with him.

"Ya didn't make me feel none to safe when ya said ya could kill me with that brain 'a yours." He remembered the churnin' in his stomach when she'd said the words and the impish smile that had spread across her face.

"I was angry with you and not in a mood to be reassuring."

"Stop your jawin', Girlie, if'n you want ta do this tonight, lets get at it." He nodded toward the open duct as he holstered Betty. Just before River's head disappeared down the hole, he whispered, "Ya sure it's okay?"

She opened her mind and searched through the ship yard, gripping the edge of the duct. "All is safe." The last thing she saw was Jayne nodding his head. He didn't draw Betty, but he didn't fasten the slim leather strap that kept the gun secured in his holster, either. His eyes darted between the girl he was slowly lowering; to their surroundings; and back again.

"I have reached my destination," River called up as quietly as she could. The only response she got was a grunt from above and increased pull on the snug fit of the harness that told her Jayne was supporting her weight.

She pulled her small flashlight out of her back pocked and began carefully searching for circuit board A269B. She'd just found it when the light went on in Kaylee's room below. That in itself wasn't unusual, but when she heard the deep voice of her brother mixed with soft laughter coming from the Mechanic she stopped working.

Bending forward at the waist, River saw the young couple reach for one another. '_He's finally going to kiss her,'_ a smile crossed the girl's face as she was filled with a warm glow of happiness for her friend and Simon. Then she was hit with an explosive wall of emotions and desires. Pictures of passion and love flashed though her mind. She knew they weren't coming from her and she squinted her eyes at the couple. What she'd felt was so powerful it toppled her already damaged mental walls and she was flooded with thoughts she couldn't block.

It was then she realized that Simon wasn't wearing a shirt and he was slowly lowering Kaylee onto the bed. His hands were going places no sister should ever have to witness.

This was real, not some trick River's confused mind was playing on her. In panic she forgot all about the circuit board she'd been reaching for, and about Jayne waiting to pull her back up. She knew she had to get away from the emotions and thoughts that were smothering her.

Frantic to get away she climbed as fast as she could. She didn't feel burns on her fingers caused by an unsteady grasp that slipped instead of holding steady to the rope. She didn't feel gashes when she hit her knuckles against rough rusted areas of the duct. All she did was climb, until she felt a blast of cold air hit her face and then she threw herself across _Serenity's_ upper hull.

"Hey, Girlie," Jayne bent to reach for her where she crouched at his feet, but she pushed his arm away. "All ya had to do was signal me and I'd a pulled ya back up."

"No, no, it has all come crashing down," she muttered, with her hands covering her ears as if to keep out a loud sound. "_Bi zui, bi zui,_ she begged the sounds to stop as she reached for the fasteners on the harness, but instead of her usual sure graceful movements her hands fumbled and shook so badly she had no control. "_Duibuqi,_ _bi zui,_ must get away, get away."

"_Tamade_, girl, what the hell happened?" Jayne knelt beside her and slammed the duct hatch closed as he concentrated on the girl.

"No, no, got to get out of this thing," she was caught in panic and began to shiver. Lights still flashed in her brain and she could feel everything that was going on in the bunk below her. It robbed her of the dexterity needed to free her from the harness.

"What in the gorramn hell are you carryin' on 'bout." He grabbed her wrists knowin' he was takin' a chance. River Tam outta control usually led to him gettin' hurt, but he couldn't stand to see her like this, not when she'd been so much better since Miranda.

"Mustn't know, not right, not right, they….I…tidal wave…." no matter how hard she tried to get the words out she knew she wasn't making any sense. In desperation she twisted her hands free so she could grip the front of his shirt. Large brown eyes looked deeply into confused blue ones. "Help me, Jayne?"

"_Lashi_," he muttered. "I'm probably gonna regret this." In one swift movement he handed River her boots then tossed her over his shoulder. Grippin' her tightly they slid down the side of the ship. He gathered their rope the second his feet hit the ground. A part of his mind was amazed that the girl hadn't decked him when he grabbed her or clobbered him with her combat boots. But he could feel her shivering and hear her muttering as he held her tightly in place and walked in long strides to the cargo bay door.

Moments later they were inside with the door locked up tight. Jayne gently placed River's feet on the deck and undid the latches to free her from the harness. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as she whispered and cursed. "What did you see?" He had a strong memory of her like this. It had been on Miranda as they were surrounded by the dead. "Girl!" he shook her as gently as he could and still get her attention. "Girlie, what the ruttin hell did you see? We in danger?"

"No, no danger." She looked at the tall man whose arms she gripped in an attempt to keep her balance as her world shook and spun. "Walls had already cracked and I couldn't keep…couldn't keep from seeing. Should not…wrong…wrong…but so very right for them."

"If you're gonna go bat-shit on us again, Girlie, I'm gettin' your brother." He hated to do it, but he could see the damage she'd done to her hands when she'd climbed up that rope like bein' pursued by the devil hisself. Somethin' sure as hell weren't right.

"No!" she cried out, not wanting to disturb Simon, nor explain the reason for her actions. "Not bat-shit, not crazy," she kept shaking her head trying to convince herself and him. In desperation she pulled away from Jayne and ran across the bay. Over by the weights the Mercenary had hung a large punching bag for her to practice her kicks.

"You gotta give me more than that." He was willin' to hear her out, but to be on the safe side he kept his hand restin' lightly on Betty.

"No bullet in the brain-pan," she gasped as she took the first swing at the bag. "Safe," she gasped as she spun and kicked as hard as she could. "Walls cracked when I talked to Zoë." She punched it again, and then gave it a round-house kick hard enough to send it swinging. "Couldn't stop…." Her right inner calf and foot impacted at the top of the bag. "…the emotions." Use of physical energy was helping her organize her thoughts and express herself. "Got caught in the storm…." She gave the bag a quick one-two punch…"that Simon and Kaylee were creating." Putting all her energy into it she swung completely around and aimed at the bag from behind. "Walls fell," her voice shivered and she began to panic again so she kicked and punched at random.

"Felt…ick….ick…he is my BROTHER!" she shouted the last word too lost in trying to wipe the memory from her mind to pay attention to her next move. She swung her leg out and up, but her timing was off. Instead of landing a solid kick on the bag, it slammed back against her, catching her at the moment before she changed her balance from back to forward. River landed hard on the floor. The bag would have hit her in the head, as it swung back toward her, if Jayne hadn't grabbed it.

"So you're sayin', that Simon and Kaylee was in her bunk when you went to get that board." He grinned wickedly and sat beside her on the deck. "And you saw…"

"Not right, a sibling should not see or feel…ick!" She shivered making a face and shaking her hands in disgust. "Happy for Kaylee, happy for Simon…but…" she tried to explain what she'd seen without actually saying the words.

"Hot damn, ya git to see Kaylee nikkid?" he laughed. There'd been a time when he'd been a bit sweet on the Mechanic. It had quickly passed, but that didn't stop a man from wonderin'.

"You should not ask such questions." River moved so quickly the Merc didn't see it coming. Her fist hit him hard on his shoulder knocking him off balance.

"Ouch," he glared at her.

"That was not an appropriate question." She rubbed at her eyes as if to scrub the images from her mind.

"Yah and you peekin' was appro-pri-at?" He wiggled his brows tryin' to tease her outta her mood.

"Couldn't help it, felt the love." She smiled tenderly. "But…but…the rest just appeared in my head…ick..." She shivered at what she'd seen and felt. It was all the worse because when the couple's emotions had blown down her walls their thoughts had thrust themselves into her mind.

"You sayin' ya couldn't block 'em out?" Jayne couldn't stand to see her sit there lookin all broken. Teasin' wasn't helpin' but when she'd hit the bag she'd gotten focused, the same with when she'd pounded him one on the shoulder. He figured he knew just how to patch her back up again, but hoped she didn't kill him in the process. Baitin' River could get a mite dangerous. "That means you was able to feel their emotions and read their minds. Ya see how the Doc planned to sex up little Kaylee." He laughed like the dirty old man he liked to think he was.

Her head popped up and she glared at him. "Do not push me," the words rumbled from her throat.

"Want ta fight 'bout it, Little Girl," he growled. It was exactly the response he'd expected.

"I believe I told you once today, 'anytime, anywhere, big man'," she surged to her feet suddenly unsure of herself. She knew this was what she needed, but didn't want to hurt Jayne in the process, no matter how crude he could be.

"Ain't no weapons of any kind gonna be involved in this so empty your pockets, Girlie." He carefully unfastened his holster and pulled his knife from its sheath then placed them high on a crate. "And my balls is off limits."

She rolled her eyes at his comment as she stashed her flashlight out of reach. "You needn't worry about your testicles, as long as you take off your boot."

"Fair 'nough," he nodded and undid his laces and stacked his boots with the rest of his things.

She gave him a feral grin as they began to circle one another. She was as graceful as Jayne remembered from the Maidenhead, but her movements were sluggish as if her mind was on other things. He knew he didn't want ta hurt her, just give her an outlet for the emotions she was unable to control. When he landed his first punch, he didn't put any muscle behind it. He could tell from the look of surprise and the smile of relief that crossed her face that she understood. She slowly nodded in agreement then concentrated on nothing but the man who was giving her the opportunity to spar until her mind cleared.

The noise in the bay brought Inara out of the engine room where she'd been sleeping in Kaylee's empty hammock. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and watched in awe at the spectacle below. River and Jayne were going at it as if they meant to kill each other, but on closer inspection it was easy to see that each was being careful not to hurt the other. Fists and feet landed, but there was no pain inflicted. If, occasionally, one of them hadn't sent the other flying with a loud thump that rang through the room, as a body hit the ground, Nara would have thought they were dancing. It was too odd even for those two. She snuck quietly back to her hiding place.

Twenty minutes later the two deadliest people on the ship were drenched in sweat and lay exhausted on the bay floor.

"Thank you," River turned her head and smiled.

"T'weren't nothin', ya just needed a good work-out to get your mind settled some." He shrugged.

"It was something." She sat up and looked him full in the face. "You took quite a chance," she whispered. "At the Academy, they would make us fight each other. Only the winner survived." She shivered when she thought how out of control she'd been just before they'd sparred and it made her stomach knot. "I was too close to the edge. It could have gone terribly wrong."

"River…" he shook his head unable to go on. So much had been done to the girl it was amazin' she had a sane thought in her head.

"I can feel your anger, I'm sorry but emotions slip through even my strongest walls and the way they are now, it is a battle to keep thoughts out."

"A course I'm angry, but not at you!" He frowned and sat beside her. "It's them gorramn bastards and what they did ta ya."

"The past cannot be changed." She shrugged.

"Well anytime ya need to spar, I'm the man for the job. I figured that if'n you wanted me dead, you've had at least three chances, that I know of, to do me in and I'm still here." He wanted to cuss at the unfairness of all the Girl had been through, but she'd been too close to lossin' it tonight. The last thing she needed was anyone else goin' all outta control on her. He'd save his anger for when he was alone.

"Thank you for your offer, but I'd feel safer if it were when the ghosts weren't so near the surface."

"Ghosts?" his voice rose an octave and he looked around the cargo bay. "Do you see ghosts, River?" Her comment had brought back an old memory and as much as he hated to ask her, he needed to hear her answer.

"We all have our ghosts, except for maybe Kaylee." She shivered beside him, but refused to look at him. "Inara's live in her shuttle. That's why she never sleeps there anymore. The Captain sees his in his nightmares and everytime he looks at the empty chairs at the dinner table. Zoë's is a happy ghost and she visits with him every night on the bridge." The gentle smile that had crossed her face when she spoke of the second in command, was replaced with sorrow when she went on. "Simon's is of a girl who will never be and he blames himself for not getting her out of the Academy sooner. Mine…mine are no longer the millions who died or became Reavers on Miranda. Now they are only the innocents who died by my hand, either in training or at the Maidenhead. Who haunts you, Jayne Cobb?"

"I think on the Shepherd and the things you said that day." He spoke quietly and watched her carefully to be sure his words weren't hurtin' her more than she'd already been hurt. "Ya remember when you was layin on Tracey's coffin, you told me that I would out-live the Preacher. That's come ta pass. Was all of the rest of what ya told me true, as well?"

"I never should have said anything," she muttered as she stood up and moved toward the bench press. The memory of the moment was so strong it felt as if she were reliving it. In her mind she could see Jayne standing with Shepherd Book just as they had been on that day.

She looked to her right and could see herself dressed in baggy pants and a sweater, laying stomach down on the cool silver toned coffin, but it was Book's words that kept echoing in her ears.

"_It makes sense, makes you feel alive, I'd venture,"_ She watched in horror as the two men talked, again, but this time she could only hear the Preacher's words and she never heard the real Jayne calling her name as he stood by her side.

"Don't say it," River implored and held out her hand as if she could stop the words from her past. Hoping against hope that if they weren't said, it would prevent a dead man from dying.

"_Well, I suspect you'll be around long after we're all…" _The memory of Book's words hit her like a blast.

"No!" she cried out in pain as she knelt on the floor trying to block the old vision but unable to. She saw again the Preacher's death and the funeral they'd attended so recently.

"River!" Jayne shouted at her as he grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Gorramnit, Girl!"

"I'm going crazy again," she wound her fingers in the front of his shirt and pulled him close to her, as they knelt together on the deck.

"No ya ain't Girlie; you've just had a rough day." He gasped in surprise when she rested her forehead on his chest.

"I saw him dead, you know, lying at the base of that big gun at Haven." She kept her hold on Jayne, but looked up until her eyes bore into his. "Is that where he died?" She remembered the carnage and the smell of burnt flesh all around her. As much as she'd needed to see what had happened to the Shepherd, she'd lost her nerve when surrounded by the death of the innocent.

"Yeah, it is." He hated to tell her that, but he was damned if he'd lie to her.

She only nodded and shook her head. "What I don't understand is that, between the time I had that vision and the time he died, _Serenity_ visited Haven three times. Why didn't I recognize it? Why couldn't I have prevented it?"

"I don't know, Girlie," he sighed. "The Shepherd used to say that we create our own destiny. Maybe that was just something you couldn't a prevented no matter what you'd seen."

"Maybe," she sighed.

"You saw that I would outlive the Preacher and that I'd live to be an old man with children and grandchildren?"

"Yes, but you must understand that what I saw could change. It was the future for the moment in time when I saw it." She was trying to explain an idea she didn't understand very well but knew if she couldn't make him understand it, things would go spinning out of control. It made her shake with urgency.

"I'm listenin'," he spoke quietly and gently held her arms to steady her. He'd noticed that touch seemed to calm her, but no one but Simon ever touched her.

"Just because I have seen you as a very old man, doesn't mean you will live to be one if you are foolish. Men in your profession don't usually make it out of their twenties, but you have, because you are careful."

"Some've been known to call me a mite selfish." He challenged.

"You forget I've fought both against you and beside you." She smiled. "You are careful, but if you don't remain so, if you take this vision of mine and decide that you can't be killed, you will die and soon!"

"So you're tellin' me I can't just go around tryin' to stop bullets every chance I get." He laughed because the idea was completely out of character for him, though he knew he'd take a slug for the little girl who was holdin' on to him. Cause she was beggin' him to take his life and live it, instead of dyin' on some nameless moon. Nobody since his Ma had bothered doin' that. It was the least he could do for her.

"That is correct, and I would not advise going for walks in the Black without a suit, either." River relaxed and let her hands slide down to her lap as she sat back on her knees. "I am unsure why it was different for the Shepherd, but I know it was."

"You din't never tell him what ya'd seen." Jayne scratched his goatee and remembered the carnage at Haven. "Book was bein' mighty brave that day. Ya might even say he stood in front of a bullet ta bring down the ship that killed all his people. That's the kinda thing you're tryin' to warn me against doin' now."

"Yes, just because I've seen it doesn't make it a shield against all the bad in the 'verse."

"Well there ya go." He nodded but still had some unanswered questions. "What about the rest'a what you told me?" He shrugged and tried to look casual. "The bit about kids and all.

"I do not understand what you are asking?"

"I believe you do. I git the idea from what you said, that there will be a woman in my future."

"Jayne," River smiled at him. "As long as I've known you, there have always been women in your future." She couldn't tell him that she'd seen him as an old man, happy and content to die with his arms wrapped tightly around her, as she snuggled close to him. He'd laugh at her and accuse her of being crazy. If she thought about it much she wasn't so sure it wasn't a hallucination. She didn't love him. They had become almost friends in the time they'd been working together, but there was nothing more between them.

"Gorramnit, that ain't what I mean and you know it."

"Would you like me to try and recall the vision?" She licked her lips at the thought.

"You'd be willin' ta do that?"

"Yes, there will never be a better time. I can feel emotions humming all around me, though they are no longer ringing in my ears and filling my head, thanks to your help." She shrugged, knowing Jayne well enough that he doubted her purpose unless she had something to gain from it as well, so she told him the truth. "And it will tell me if what I had seen was just another moment of crazy in my life or the truth."

"All right, as long as it don't send you off 'a the rails again."

"We could always spar a second time if it does." She smiled gently and shrugged.

"Yup we could." He grinned back at her.

She laughed softly then turned very serious. "You must understand that I will do it this time, but never again. The responsibility is too great."

He watched her closely for a moment then nodded. "I can understand that."

"All right, then if I am to do this, I will need your help."

"What do ya need me ta do?" He sat on his heels with her kneeling between his spread thighs.

"I need to touch your skin." When he held out his arm, she shook her head. "I need to touch you where I cut you," the last words were spoken so quietly he almost didn't hear them.

"If that's when ya saw it, no wonder ya got doubt," he muttered never taking his eyes off of hers, as he slowly pulled up his shirt until a thin white scar was exposed. It ran on a diagonal from high right to lower on the left, almost as if she'd tried to cross his heart with the knife.

Her hand hovered above his chest, almost touching his skin when she stopped and pulled back. "I can't promise that I might not pick up some stray thoughts." Her eyes swam as she waited for permission to continue.

"S'okay," he nodded and tried to clear his mind.

When River's hand covered the scar she used all her mental efforts to bring back the moment that it had all happened. She shivered as her mind was filled with the memory of her blade slashing his skin and the vision that followed.

Jayne almost gasped when her soft warm fingers lay against his chest. He'd never felt anything as good in his whole gorramn life. She felt gentle and fragile against his skin. In his experience, females didn't touch men like that. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been touched by a woman and not a whore. It took a huge effort on his part not to press her small-boned hand tight against him with his larger callused one and keep it there for a long, long time.

Again she saw the Mercenary as a very old man, surrounded by their children and grandchildren. He was holding her hand as he led her to their bed. She shook herself to pull away from the future because she already knew how it would end for them. He would die with his body wrapped tightly around hers and she would feel his death and slip on to join him. She did not posses Zoë's courage, to continue when the man who was her other half was gone.

Her hand slid down Jayne's chest and she leaned back taking in deep gulps of air. "Blood to blood it always runs true and it never lies," she whispered as she fought to get herself back under control.

"Girlie…River, you all right?" He quickly pulled down his shirt sure that she'd left another mark on him, but one only he would be able to see. He cupped her shoulders, afraid she might topple over backwards.

"Yes, I'm fine." She nodded but leaned her forehead against him for support. "No stray thoughts could make it past the vision."

"S'okay if they did." He shrugged unsure where that was comin' from. He used ta hate that she might be able to read his mind. "Did ya see, like before?"

"It wasn't as strong," she breathed easily and pulled out of his grasp. "No blood, just the scar to guide me."

"I'm guessin that you saw it the first time, when you took the butcher knife to me."

"Yes, I did. I am sorry for that." Her large brown eyes began to fill with tears and she sniffed lightly as she ran her finger over his shirt. She knew exactly where the scar was below.

"Ahhh don't go gettin' all sad and cryin' again. You done enough 'a that today. 'Sides I figure I deserved what ya did ta me. I was plannin' on turnin' you and that brother 'a yours in to the Feds." He wasn't good with cryin' women, especially if he had made them cry. "I'm surprised ya didn't run me clean through with that blade, knowing what I was gonna do."

"Stop, stop," she shook her head and covered his mouth with trembling fingers. "It wasn't like that. You can't blame yourself. There were so many things slamming into my brain that morning. I could feel great danger and was very afraid. You were wearing that gorramn Blue Sun T-shirt, which only made it worse. Everyone was in the room. All their emotions and thoughts were screaming at me. I couldn't get the words out or express myself, so I went after you with a knife. I was crazy and that's all there was to it and I'm terrifited that I'll be that way again!" Her hidden fears bubbled to the surface and caught them both by surprise.

"It ain't gonna happen, you understand me! I don't care if we have ta spar five times a day." He lifted her by the shoulders until their faces were inches apart. "You're sane River, and I don't ever want ta hear ya talk like that again."

"You can say that even after how I've acted tonight?"

"I sure can. You just had a moment where you lost control, something that could 'a happened to anybody. How many times you seen me toss or kick stuff 'cross this here cargo bay? Or Inara and the Captain yell at each other and flounce off in opposite directions? What about that day Simon punched Mal! Hell, I've even seen Kaylee throw a wrench 'cross the engine room, but that was only once and she was mighty angry at the Doc. I guess we won't be seein' much of that anymore." Jayne was rewarded when River smiled slightly.

"You're correct, everyone loses control at times, but mine have been so deadly." She blinked quickly unable to keep her tears from falling.

"Well the only thing I saw you try ta hurt tonight was that old punchin' bag and it ended up knockin' you on your ass." He took the hem of his shirt and wiped her wet cheeks. "Think ya got them tears under control?"

"I will be fine, Jayne, thank you." She pulled out of his arms and sat inches away from him, feeling her walls carefully repairing themselves. "Thank you for the insight into my problem."

"I meant it about the sparrin'." He sat back with one leg straight in front of him and other bent. "It would be good for both of us to do it regular like. Accordin' to the Captain, I got control issues too, though I've never set much store by what Mal says."

"I would appreciate that. The exercise would be good and it would hone our skills." She stood and dusted off the back of her shorts. "Now I must shower and get some sleep. Unfortunately, we will still need to retrieve the circuit tomorrow and it will be another day before the water is hot."

"Wait a sec," Jayne called her back.

She turned in the door to the passenger dorm, his question was written clearly on his face, so she answered it. "I saw you as the old man I had seen before."

"But what about the whore?" he almost whispered. "I mean if'n I don't know who's gonna be the mother of my child, how will I know…well ya know."

"I saw no whore." River couldn't say anymore. If she told him the truth he would call her crazy and mean it. She knew if that were to happen something would tear wide open inside of her and she really would be crazy. "Good-night, Jayne."

"Night, River…." the sound of her name on his lips made him freeze and add quickly. "….Girl."

**_TBC_**


	4. Voices Of The Living

48

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairings: **Rayne, M/I, S/K, Z/memories of Wash

**Disclaimer: **They belong to Joss. I just let them play for a bit.

**Thanks: **to Angel 932 and Ceslas, they rescued me in my hour of need.

_**Voices and Visions**_

By

_**Lattelady**_

**_Ch 4 Voices Of The Living_**

It was mid-afternoon. Kaylee and River had gone with Inara to finish the supply run. Mal, as _Serenity's_ owner, was required to go to the Office of Shipping and Permits at Persephone's local Alliance Headquarters. It was necessary to have all the repair documents registered before he could make an appointment for a physical inspection of the ship. At the last moment, Zoë had decided it was wise to accompany the Captain. It wasn't anywhere near Unification Day, but the thought of him surrounded by Purple Bellies, gave her the jitters. One hostile word and they might be caught up in red tape until the end of time.

Jayne was sittin' on a crate, slouched against the outer hull of the boat, watchin' the activity in the ship yards. A cool breeze was blowin' and the sun felt good against his body. It ached a mite from sparring with River Tam the night before. He smiled and took a puff of his cigar followed by a sip of Sake from the bottle in his hand. The girl was a tiny thing, but she could sure toss a man around when she had a mind to. Rememberin' what had led up to it made him reach for his bottle again and take a bigger drink. He was thinkin' on Crazy-Girl, and not the way he used ta. It made him a might twitchy tryin' to figure out what it meant.

The Merc felt a shadow 'cross his shoulders, but knew who it was by the sound of his footsteps. He didn't bother to look toward the open cargo bay door, just kept staring straight ahead. "Doc, pull up a crate and sit a spell." Jayne took another pull on his cigar and blew a smoke ring like the Shepherd had taught him. "I been 'spectin' ya."

"You have?" Simon wasn't sure what to make of the man anymore. They had actually begun talking to one another like human beings while working on physical therapy programs for himself and the Captain.

"Yup," he nodded and kept puffin' on his stogie. Once the younger man had set hisself down, the Mercenary offered him the large blue bottle he'd been drinkin' from. "Want some? Don't have no glasses, but it wouldn't be the first time we'd shared a bottle."

"Am I going to need this?" The Doc held tight to the dark blue container trying not to remember when Jayne had shoved one exactly like it across the table and he'd grabbed it up and taken a swig. It had been the moment the crew had thrown in with Mal in an effort to publicize the information found on Miranda.

"Not like before, but you might want ta keep it handy jist incase." The big man advised. He knew he had to talk to Simon 'bout what had happened the night before, 'cause there weren't no way in hell the girl was gonna do it.

"Then I gather that this is more than just about the real reason River's hands got so banged up?" He looked at the bottle and took a tiny sip. He was attempting to forge a better working relationship with the Jayne. In the past he would have accused him of not doing his job, but this time he gave him the benefit of the doubt. "Was she in the ducts alone again?"

"Naw, Girlie's too smart for that. She knows I'd kick her bony ass from here to Whitehall and back again. Then hand her over to you and Mal to take your shots at her." He shrugged his big shoulders, unsure where the sudden protective urge had come from.

"Then what…"

"It was like she told ya and the Captain at breakfast. She weren't wearing her work gloves and didn't bother to signal me to pull her up." He frowned as he remembered how panicked she'd been as she'd practically flown outta that damn hole.

"I'll do what I can about getting her to wear her gloves, but I'm not sure what you think I can accomplish that you and Mal have been unable to. But I'll do my best." River had been so anxious to get repairs done on _Serenity_, that once the power had been restored to the ship, it had taken the combined efforts of all three men to convince her to stay out of the ducts, unless Jayne was available to be on the other end of the rope. Her brother didn't hold out much hope on this issue, especially since the work was almost finished.

Jayne shook his head, pulled his cigar outta his mouth and rearranged the crate he was sittin' on until he was facing the doctor. "T'ain't 'bout the gloves, but it would be mighty nice if'n she weren't so damn stubborn." He thought for a moment before he continued. "This might be a real good time to take a big drink from that there bottle."

"What…what am I missing here?" The younger man smiled unsure if this wasn't all some elaborate attempt to get him drunk. He and Kaylee had taken some heavy razzing, that morning, for finally consummating their relationship. If he hadn't seen his sister go off in the mule half an hour earlier, he'd expect her to pop out from beside Jayne giggling at her bother's naiveté. She and the Merc had been as thick as thieves recently. He frowned at the expression and looked carefully around the large man just to be sure there wasn't a small dark haired girl hiding there.

The Mercenary pulled a match from his pocket and relit his cigar, while never taking his eyes off Simon. "I need ta talk with ya, but as River's doctor, not her brother." He squinted at him through a haze of smoke. "Can ya do it?"

Words formed in the Doc's head, but froze when he realized that Jayne had called his sister by her given name. As if on autopilot he raised the Sake to his lips and let its heat pour down his throat. "Okay," he gasped his vocal cords on fire. "Better tell me."

"T'weren't that Girlie climbed that there rope that's the problem. It's where we was at the time." Jayne nibbled on the side of his lip, tryin' to be as delicate as his bull-in-a-china-shop personality allowed. T'weren't somethin' he was good at. But he knew that if'n he didn't handle this correctly, that rules or no rules, the next time he and Crazy-Girl sparred, he would be in a mite bit a trouble. "You're little sis was mighty set on fixin' that circuit board so's we'd have hot water…"

Simon just nodded. He understood her emotional need for hot showers. "She gets cold easily and I gather that's one of the few forms of physical torture they used at the Academy…a…at…the Academy…" His thought process came to a screeching halt as odd pieces of knowledge began to form into an unsavory picture. _The duct opening that had been missing in Kaylee's bunk. Her comment that she'd taken it off because River was going to stop by first thing in the morning to pull a board. But most of all he remembered hearing noises on Serenity's outer hull as his naked body had covered the little Mechanic's._ "…Wait….wait!" He grabbed the bottle and took a huge gulp. "Oh—oh—oh—my--GOD!" the Doc flushed and took another deep drink.

"Take it easy there." Jayne pulled the bottle outta his hand and gulped Sake until he had to come up for air. His mind was stuck on the tidbit the younger man had let slip about them gorramn Blue Hands and what they'd done ta the little girl.

"Ick…" he gasped and tried to scrub away the image of his sister seeing any of what had transpired in Kaylee's bunk the night before. "Is she all right?" he whispered.

"She reacted pretty much the way you did, only a bit more vocal and physical. She hit me one good on the shoulder for bein' a wise ass."

"I don't…I mean…Oh damn." Simon slammed his fist against the crate he was sitting on.

"Now there's no call for both 'a ya to mess-up your hands over this. 'Sides you need those fingers 'a yours nimble, and in one piece, for pullin' bullets outta Mal when all those pretty plans 'a his go to hell in a hand basket."

"What else aren't you telling me?" The Doc hated that he needed to ask. Before Miranda nothing about River slipped his attention. But since he'd recuperated from his gun shot wound he'd been spending more and more time with Kaylee.

"'Fore we went to access the duct, your sis had a…a…a, I guess ya'd call it, a girl-talk with Zoë." The men looked at each other and frowned. "Yeah I know, girl-talk and Zoë don't seem ta go together, but River's face was all puffy from cryin' and she was sayin' stuff 'bout 'happy ghosts' and 'new beginnings'. All that girlie _go se._ But I think it made her a mite wobbly on her mental pins. I ain't pretendin' I got any understandin' 'bout what goes on in her head. I'm just sorry I didn't stop her from goin' outside. I saw the condition she was in. Her hands was shakin' and her eyes was red." Jayne tossed his cigar aside and took another drink of Sake in frustration. "I'm supposed ta be the adult in this work detail, I should 'a taken better care 'a her."

"I appreciate your concern," Simon sighed feeling as if he'd been tossed about by a strong wind. "But she's an adult too. Her eighteenth birthday was ten days ago. And…"

"Why the gorramn hell don't nobody but you know 'bout that?" The big man frowned and got up to move around. Times like this he needed space. "Don't turn eighteen everyday, Girlie should 'a had a party or a cake or somethin'."

"She didn't want me to say anything. Swore Kaylee to secrecy, too. She told us there was no celebrating until we were back in the Black and away from all the sorrow. Besides it's more than that." The young man looked up hating what he knew to be true about his sister, but relieved that there was someone he could share it with. "It's not just that she's another year older. When she first came out of that box, and during the months when her mind would flip in and out of sanity, I could still see her as a young girl. Since Miranda," he sighed and shook his head. "Since Miranda I can see the damage they did to her went deeper than I ever imagined. They stole her youth and made her old. You can see it in her eyes at times. Like in Mal's and Zoë's when memories of Serenity Valley begin to closes in on them. It's in yours too, when you get pushed too far."

"Doc you did the best ya could." Jayne hadn't been able to wrap his mind 'round all that the other man had done for River. It had seemed like some gorramn made-up story. He'd figured Core-folk didn't go around doin' stuff like that 'less there was some Rim-folk to be taken advantage of. Then Ariel had happened and he'd seen way more than he'd ever wanted to. "You was the one who got her out."

"I was too late to prevent my sister from being damaged like that." Simon ground his teeth and looked as mean as Jayne had ever seen him. "But I will fight with every breath in my body to be sure nothing happens to Kaylee to make her lose her sunshine."

"You really love our little Mechanic don't ya?"

"I have from the moment I saw her." He smiled and his shoulders relaxed. "It just took almost dying for me to figure out how to tell her. I'm lucky she has such a forgiving heart."

Jayne hated to ask the question that was gnawin' at his gut, but he knew the Doc needed to know what was goin' on in his sister's head. "As her doctor, how is River…a…I guess the word I'm searchin' for would be mentally. She stable or not?"

"Why do you ask, has something more happened?"

"Last night when she lost control like she did, she was 'fraid that she was goin' crazy again," the Merc whispered the last words, remembering how'd he shouted at her that I it weren't so.

"Oh my God, now I see why you've told me all this." Simon took another large drink of Sake and shivered as it burned its way down his throat. "As I've said before, she's a genius, so sometimes people don't understand her. She's also become a reader and that has to have some effect on her." He shrugged and smiled at memories from growing up. "She's always had her 'unusual' moments, even before the Academy, and I believe she will continue to have them." His face lit up with love for his sister. "I used to call them her flashes of brilliance. Our parents…a…weren't so generous."

"Don't get me started on them folks a yours." The Mercenary shook his head and paced wishin' he hadn't tossed his cigar away. He needed somethin' to do with his hands, 'cause he was riddled with the desire to wring the necks of them older Tams. "But you ain't really answered my question."

"I can't promise she'll never have an occasional flashback, but I'll tell you what I told the Captain when he asked me if she was stable enough for the responsibility of a pilot. River is as sane as any of us are, after all we've just experienced, and that is speaking as the doctor for the entire crew. Not just as her brother."

"I told her that last night, didn't use them fancy words, but told her she weren't crazy no more and I didn't want ta hear her callin' herself that!" He frowned at the memory.

"Thank you." Simon wasn't sure what had happened to the mean, crude, mercenary he was used to, but he was glad this man had been there for River the night before. "And you're probably correct in thinking that it was a combination of things that set her off. Talking with Zoë, feeling the…a…well…a…what she felt…you know, and she's been having nightmares so she's a bit sleep deprived."

"If'n she's havin' nightmares how come we don't hear her screamin' no more?" Jayne glared. Not that he missed the noise, but the girl was his work partner and gorramit all, he shoulda known about it if'n she was havin' problems.

"She's been sleeping in Inara's shuttle, but you can't tell anyone."

"She's sleepin with Inara?" Jayne blinked at the image that formed in his mind. "That's just plain disgustin'." He didn't question why the idea of 'Nara and that blonde diplomat had been hot, while this one was creepafyin'."

"Not with Inara, just in the shuttle. It sits empty at night, which is another reason why this must stay between the two of us."

"Well I know she ain't in the Captain's bunk, she couldn't make it down the ladder with them broken ribs." The big man grinned and added. "'Sides, Mal's his usual ornery self, so he ain't gettin' any. Where the hell is she sleepin then?"

"I refuse to have this discussion. What I know falls under the Medical Privacy Act." Simon glared and ran a hand through his hair. He wasn't good at subterfuge and was dreading the day when Mal found out what was going on. It had made sense at first. The Captain had still been in the hospital when the bunk switching began. Then it just seemed easier not to say anything.

"Can ya tell me how the hell River ended up in the shuttle in the first place?"

"Inara and my sister had already arranged it by the time I was well enough to know what was going on. _Mei-mei_ wants to live as normal a life as she can and I agree with her. I won't drug her at night, not after seeing what her nightmares consist of. Sleeping meds don't make the dreams go away. They make it harder to escape them. At least this way she's able to wake herself up. The shuttle is sound proofed, so if she cries out, no one hears her. That's something that's very important to her." The Doc hung his head and looked a bit defeated. "But I know when she's having a bad night, because I can hear her pounding away on that punching bag you hung for her. You have no idea how hard it is to keep from going to her and trying to offer comfort. The one time I did, she hated it, so I've stayed away."

Jayne nodded, because he did know the effort it took to keep from comforting River. There had been so many times the night before when all he'd wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and keep her safe from the 'verse, but he hadn't.

"She used that bag last night, when she thought she was comin' apart." The Mercenary smiled gently at the memory. "But she weren't herself and the damn punchin' bag knocked her on her be-hind. We ended up sparrin'." He laughed, his blue eyes sparklin'.

"Did either of you get hurt?" The Doc looked Jayne over with a professional eye. He'd already checked his sister when he'd discovered her injured hands. At least he'd check her over as well as he could from a distance. He knew the signs to look for and had seen none.

"Naw, didn't put no muscle into it and she didn't neither. We tossed each other about some, but we was careful." He sat down and took a drink from the bottle they'd been sharing. "That's another reason I told ya all 'a this. I'm gonna talk to Mal about her and me sparrin' on a regular basis and I want ya to support me. It really helped her last night."

"It sounds like a good outlet for her energies." Simon smiled and nodded his agreement. "I'll do what I can to help."

………………………………………..

Mal wasn't pleased with the idea of Jayne and River sparring. He conjured the deadly duo were too temperamental and had too much of a difficult history to be given free reign to go at one another's throats. If Simon hadn't pushed for it as well, the Captain wouldn't have agreed. In typical fashion he insisted on rules for the sessions. They weren't much different than the ones the two had already set for themselves, except he'd told them they had to use mats. It'd taken them two days of scavenging, but they'd finally gotten what they needed.

………………………………………………..

"Kaylee and that brother 'a yours is up there watchin'." Jayne grabbed River by the shoulders, but she slipped outta his grasp.

"So are the Captain, Inara and Zoë." She smiled devilishly at the big man and ducked under him arm, continuing to his right.

He turned quickly on his heel and winked at the small girl, while noddin' at their audience. "Let's give 'em the show they's expectin'. You wearin' it?"

"Of course." With her back turned to the gathered crowd, she lifted the hem of her short skirt, exposing one creamy thigh with a small gun slipped into a garter. "Warn me if you're going to bounce me around, so I can keep it from coming loose."

"Ahh…ahhh…" Jayne was frozen in place as the girl lifted her skirt. "Ya sure they don't…a…have…no weapons?" It had been a battle to get the words out. He'd always been mighty fond of garters on a woman, but he didn't think he'd ever seen anything hotter than Girlie's long slim muscular leg with a gun strapped to it, by that bit a black lace.

"The ship is secured for the night, so the Captain and Zoë have left their personal armaments in their bunks. Everything else is in the munitions locker." She rolled her eyes that he'd even need to ask. "I have no wish to die."

"Well…then…s'okay…" He was having trouble keeping his mind off how she'd looked with that weapon tucked neatly into the garter. "Gorramit," he muttered when he had better control his of speech. "Ya ain't supposed to be showin' me things like that."

"Well where did you think I'd be hiding it?" She scrunched up her face and fought the laugh that was bubbling up from deep within.

Jayne raised his chin slightly and charged straight for her. She barely twitched her brow in response to his signal, but could tell he'd seen it as she met him head-on. "Let the games begin," she whispered, and she used his forward momentum to send him sprawling on the deck.

"Ahhh," he gasped, as he pretended to land hard despite the mat. Then he fought to glare instead of laugh at the antics they was pullin' off. It would 'a been easier to sound angry if'n he hadn't felt a giggle vibrate through her body at their moment of contract. "Ya tryin' ta kill me, Girlie?" he yelled.

She moved quickly around him and stood on one leg tapping his shoulder lightly with the pointed toes of her arched unclad foot. "Whine, whine, whine," she chanted.

"Wine…? I'm a whiskey man myself." He looked her over carefully. Instead of wearin' the outfit she'd used when workin' in the ducts, she had on a short skirted dress. T'weren't one 'a the baggy ones she used ta wear. It allowed her to move like she did in her shorts and tiny top, but covered her weapon. She looked like the fighter he knew her ta be. It showed off muscles that were slim and hard, highlighted, by the lights shinin' off a slight sheen of sweat. Catching her eyes to give her a warning, he grabbed the foot that was proddin' his bicep and pulled outward, sendin' her tumblin' beside him.

"You cheated!" River frowned as she rolled to her feet almost as soon as her body touched the mat. She'd been careful to keep one hand covering her weapon so it didn't go flying. "We must both be standing for contact to be made." It wasn't part of their agreed upon strategy and they both knew it, but she added it for affect.

"Now who's doin' the whinin'?" Jayne was back up and circlin' her. It took all his effort not to laugh. He should 'a knowed she'd be good at playactin'.

She kicked high toward his shoulder, but he intercepted her foot with the palm of his hand. As skin touched skin, she jumped to switch standing legs and brought her other foot up, but he blocked that as well. The big man laughed with glee. The next thing he knew she had placed a light upper cut to his stomach followed by the touch of her fist to his chin. "If I had put any strength behind those you'd be out cold," she teased loudly.

"I don't think so, Little Girl." Jayne had the obvious advantage of reach. Before she could pull back, he wrapped both arms around her. He buried his face against her left cheek and whispered, "Ya ready?" When he felt her slight nod he shouted out, "I got's ya now." On cue she turned quickly until her back was to his body, keeping him from trapping her arms between them.

"I do not believe you do," she called out smugly. River grabbed his arms, which spanned her chest, and bent, driving her butt lightly into his stomach.

Jayne gave a loud grunt for show and let his body be carried over the top of hers. When he hit the mat, he slapped it hard with his hands so the sound echoed through the bay, making the by-standers wince. Then he continued into a roll so as not to get hurt. When his momentum had carried him as far as it could, he lay moaning in pain.

"Hey, Little Albatross, what're ya doin' to my Mercenary?" Mal called out as he stood at the top of the stairs. "Remember, the plan was for no one to end up dead from this little game you two seem ta like ta play."

She turned big brown eyes up at the Captain and looked as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "But, Sir, we know how well your plans work out." Quick as lightening she lifted herself onto her toes and turned pulling her weapon from its hiding place as her skirt flared around her body. With only a split second to aim, she shot Jayne in the face with water.

Background noise erupted as the people on the catwalk panicked, but she didn't pay any attention to it. She was having too much fun emptying her water pistol at the fuming Merc.

"You stop that, Girlie, right now." He growled and jumped to his feet to grab the gun from her hand. "You was supposed to go for the chest."

"I go for the kill shot, always aim for the head!" Her words tumbled out as naturally as if she were telling Jayne her preference in dance steps.

Only Kaylee saw Simon stumble slightly and grip the railing until his knuckles turned white. His sister's words sent a tremor through his body. "Oh God," he whispered. Shaken he pulled the mechanic tightly against his side and buried his face in her hair. "I've known since Miranda, but it still catches me off guard."

"Kills shot, I'll kill shot you." Water dripped down his cheeks and goatee, but Jayne didn't care. He'd finally managed to wrestle the water gun from River's hand and was tryin' to keep his arm wrapped around the squirmin' girl so he could pelt her as she'd done him. He was laughin' so hard she managed to twist around and bury her face against his chest. He had to settle for drenchin' her hair instead.

Except for the joyous laughter coming from the two people who had initiated the prank, there was stunned silence in the cargo bay, until Inara began to snicker as she fought to hold her side. The last thing her painful ribs needed was to laugh. But she couldn't keep the giggle that was bubbling up inside of her contained, especially when it spread to Kaylee.

Mal was thankful to hear laughter coming from most 'a his crew. It was the first he'd heard in almost two months. Best of all a tiny smile tugged at the corners of Zoë's mouth. But his body still tingled with adrenaline and there was anger not far behind. "Little Witch, you and my Muscle playin' with us?"

"It is a distinct possibility," she grinned at her Captain. "Here, catch." She pulled the now empty toy from Jayne's hand and tossed it to the man on the steps.

"You was mighty lucky, Little One, if one a us hadda been wearin' a weapon. You coulda got yourself shot." He turned his dark expression on his Mercenary. "And Jayne, you should 'a known better."

"It was safe." River stepped between the two frowning men. "You were not armed. If you had been, the pistol wouldn't have been used."

"Mal, there's no call ta be taken this out on Girlie here." The Merc gripped her shoulders and pushed her behind him. He stood tall with his feet apart, one fist clench at his hip. The other tryin' to keep a hold on River so his body stayed between hers and the emotions that was streamin' from the angry man. "We was just given ya what ya was expectin' to see: her beatin the tar outta me." He snarled. "Ya didn't trust us ta do it right, even with the Doc tellin' ya we'd be safe!" He turned suddenly and yelled at River who had been pulling at the back of his shirt tryin' to move him aside. "Gorramnit, stop that!"

"Do not talk to the Captain that way, it is disrespectful." She glared back. "And I can fight my own battles, thank you very much."

"I'll disrespect whoever I ruttin' want ta! We was havin fun, and they don't have no call to cause trouble. He took ya on the Lilac job so's you could suss out danger and he's doubtin' ya now. It don't make no sense." He thundered.

"Jayne's right," Mal had to yell to be heard over the indignant voice of his Mercenary. "I didn't have no call to get so upset. But, Little One, seein' you with a gun, made me a mite twitchy. New rule for you, and I'm might sorry 'bout this, cause it don't seem fair, but if you're gonna be handlin' weapons, even toy ones." He hefted the small plastic one in his hand. "We all gotta know about it."

"I understand." She nodded. "Knowledge can be gained quickly, but emotional beliefs take longer to change."

"I'm not sure what you said, but since you're the genius, I'm sure it's right." Mal smiled at her kindly and shook his head. "But, I do like the Little Witch's idea about more respect for the Captain." He laughed and the tension was suddenly gone from the room.

"Doc, this here was one 'a your little sis's flashes of brilliance, like ya was tellin' me about t'other day." Jayne teased.

"Something tells me she didn't think of this all on her own." Simon tried to grin but he was still shaken.

"Ya ready, River." Jayne pulled gently on her damp braid to get her attention.

Her chin rose defiantly. "I believe I've told you before, anytime, anywhere Big Man."

"Someday that mouth 'a yours is gonna git ya into trouble." He raised an eyebrow and brushed the fingers of his right hand lightly against her lips. "No you don't Girlie, not another word." He nodded and they stepped back and began in earnest.

The huge Mercenary and the Small Alliance trained killer fought for real this time. The only thing that was missing was that neither put any power behind any of their punches or kicks, though they took a twisted glee in sending the other thumping to the mat. Hands and feet flew as their bodies moved and dodged. It was fast and furious and beautiful to watch, nothing like their earlier, clumsy performance.

"Now that's more like it," Inara whispered. "Almost like a dance."

"I thought Little Albatross was gonna do Jayne in for sure, this time." Mal stood as close to the beautiful woman at his side as he dared. She smelled sweet and soft and he'd been dreamin' about her for months. "One day those two are gonna be the death 'a me."

"If that sword couldn't kill you, I doubt they will." 'Nara's voice broke and her eyes fluttered closed as she fought the vision of Mal as he'd bled red, red blood all over her hands and she hadn't been able to stop it, no matter how hard she'd tried.

"Part of me can't help wondering if that's what she looked like when she was fighting those Reavers." Simon was mesmerized by his sister's movements. "And you're correct, it's like she's dancing. They turned a ballerina into a killing machine." He wondered if he'd ever stop uncovering layers of atrocities that had been done to his sister.

"Best I can recollect, she moved like that in the Maidenhead. But there's somethin' different." Mal frowned tryin' to picture the girl as she'd been.

"I bet she wasn't smilin' like she's doin' now." Kaylee grinned. "Look at the both 'a them, they's enjoyin' themselves. Don't ever recall anyone fightin' with Jayne for the fun a it, least ways not anyone but River."

"If that don't beat all." The Captain bent his head slightly to the left to get a better look at the faces of the two people in the cargo bay and a bit closer to 'Nara. "A body gits their entertainment where they can, I suppose, but this?" He shrugged as he heard deep laughter and soft giggles echoing from below.

"They sure is beautiful the way they move and all, especially your sister, but I gots some stuff to do in the Engine Room, wanna help me, Simon?" Kaylee grinned and her eyes sparkled.

"Always willing to be of service to a lady." He followed closely behind her.

"Ahh…Need any help with dinner?" Mal asked Inara. He tried to put his hand at the small of her back, to walk along 'side a her, but she skittered away before he could touch her.

"That would be nice. I'd like that." She smiled invitingly over her shoulder, sorry that she had to pull away, but if he'd touched her, he might discover the thick binding around her ribs. Her full dress kept it hidden and she wanted to keep it that way.

Only Zoë stood and watched Jayne and River for a few more minutes. She still had a small smile on her face and her eyes were bright with memories. Wash would have loved to see this and he would have been the only other person on the boat who understood what was really beginning down in that bay. The big question was who was going to figure it out next, River, Jayne, Mal or Simon.

"Well no matter who it is, I wish you the best of luck," she whispered as she turned and headed toward the bridge.

……………………………………………………………………..

Jayne set at the table in the galley with his girls spread out before em. River was curled up in the large arm chair across from him drawing in her sketchbook. They'd spent the last three evenings like that. Since they'd finished the rewiring, they didn't see much of each other from breakfast until they sparred before dinner.

"They been keepin' ya plenty busy." He looked up from carefully takin' Betty apart.

"There have been flight manuals to read, application of what has been learned." She scrunched up her face and almost laughed. "As applied as it can be, to a ship still in the repair yard, instead of the Black. And Simon had wanted some tests run to compare outcomes. They are completed, now."

"The inspector is comin' in the mornin' and if'n we're lucky, we'll be in the Black this time tomorrow. We been dirt bound too long, it's makin' us all a mite twitchy."

They sat in silence each occupied with their tasks, and each comfortable with the presence of the other. Jayne kept on working when he heard her carefully pull a page outta her sketchbook; though he hoped she wasn't gonna leave yet. She got up quietly and joined him at the table, sittin' with a fluid grace, that he'd come to admire. When he looked up he was surprised that his first thought was that she as pretty as a flower in her deep blue dress and Chinese quilted jacket. Now days she always kept her hair brushed and it lay softly around her shoulders and down her back.

"This is for you." She handed him what she'd drawn. It was the picture she'd been working on the last three nights. It was of him as he sat and cared for his gun collection. "It is to say thank-you for talking to Simon for me."

"T'weren't nothin'," he frowned and tried to sound gruff. "Just so ya know, I didn't say nothin' 'bout your vision. Didn't think you'd want anyone ta know." He watched her closely and was rewarded when she smiled in agreement. "You're brother didn't embarrass ya none, did he?"

"No, Simon can be very much the diplomat when he is in the infirmary."

"Yeah, right," he scoffed then studied the drawin' he held carefully in his large hands. "But I can't take this. All I did was talk with him over a bottle of Sake. You put lots a work into doin' this."

"Don't you like it?" She tilted her head to the right and watched him carefully trying to read his face. She was able to keep his thoughts out, but feelings were much harder and she fought to keep from picking up any of those. "Should I have drawn you with a frown instead? When you work on your guns, your eyes always smile no matter what your facial muscles do, so I drew you with one. I think it is how your girls see you."

"This here drawin', it looks…it looks real professional like." He hoped she wasn't reading his thoughts, 'cause he didn't think he looked manly without his trademark scowl, but he'd never tell her that. People didn't go around givin' Jayne Cobb gifts. It meant a lot that the girl had bothered to do it and it was mighty fine, mighty fine indeed. He ran a large finger over her careful reproduction of his guns. "They look like I could pick em up and use em." He compared them to the real thing and nodded in wonder. "It's a right fine drawin' and I'm honored you want me ta have it."

"I drew it especially for you. What you did for me was important and I wanted to give you a gift. Since I have no credits, and I didn't think a hair ribbon would be to your liking, I did this instead."

"Good choice," he muttered. "But like I said, all I did was set a spell with Simon."

"But you knew that because of…well…because I'd seen him kiss Kaylee, in her bunk, and had been hit with all their emotions, I couldn't go to him, so you did it for me." One of her small hands covered the back of his large one. "It was a huge thing for you to do, because Simon redid all my tests so I could see the changes. I could chart, graph and quantify the difference since Miranda. I have objective proof that I am no longer crazy."

"But we been tellin' ya' that all along."

"I know," she gripped his hand tighter and tears began to fill her eyes. "But I needed more than words, from people who wish it to be true, as much as I do."

"Aaahh River, ya gonna start cryin' again?" He brushed the thumb of his free hand over her damp cheeks.

"I can't help it. I'm sorry." She stood-up to leave, but he threaded his fingers between hers and held on tight.

"Git back here." He gave her arm a tug. "I guess If'n anyone's got a right ta cry, it's you." He looked around a bit uncertain, then stood and moved to the chair she'd been sittin' in earlier. Without needing to be told, River slipped to the decked between his spread thighs and leaned against a sturdy leg. "Girl, why didn't ya tell us the real reason hot water t'was so important to ya? If'n ya couldn't a told Mal or even Zoë, I'd a listened and we'd a got it done right quick."

"Simon shouldn't have said anything to you." She wanting to bolt, but he had a secure hold on her. "Yes, they did terrible things to me, but I'm no longer the weak, broken child who crawled out of the cold sleep box. I need to be treated as I am now!" She was embarrassed and was having trouble keeping from crying. "You've never felt sorry for me and I can't stand it if you start now."

"Awh, River," Jayne leaned forward and held one 'a her cheeks in each large, callused palm. She was so fine-boned he was able ta lace his fingers together at the back a her head. "Look at me Girlie. I don't give a damn about them tears. You're a female and cryin' is somethin' they do. So you go ahead and cry when ya need ta. I won't tell no one, nor think less 'a ya for it. Like I said it's just one a them girl-things." All the time he'd been talkin' he'd been lookin' deep into her eyes. Her brother had been right. She might be only eighteen, but right now the dark brown pools filled with tears that looked back at him, were ancient.

"All right," she whispered, but her lip quivered and chills shivered through her body. Almost of their own volition her hands moved along Jayne's and she rose to her knees so she could wrap her arms around his waist and bury her face against his chest.

"Come here, Girlie," he muttered as he pulled her closer. It was an act of kindness that was completely out of character for him, but he couldn't stop himself. He knew she needed to be held and he was the only one around. He also figured she needed to be touched, but unless he was reaching down some trim's neckline or up her skirt, he was clueless. Then he felt delicate hands movin' his shirt in little circles along his spine and he copied what she was doin'. Her long hair felt silky and soft to the touch as it fell over his hands and he wanted to feel more of it, so he spread his fingers and ran them through endless brown strands, as he held her close.

Jayne didn't know how long they sat like that, but he could feel his shirt, damp from her tears, against his skin. It gave him an odd feeling of contentment and made him hornier than a stallion that'd caught the scent of a mare. He hoped she couldn't feel the rock hard bulge that was pressin' against his pants. It didn't make no sense to be contented and turned on at the same time. It was somethin' he didn't want to think on.

"Thank you," River's voice broke as she looked up and found his face inches from hers. His eyes were so blue she thought she could dive into them and lose herself forever, but it wasn't something she was going to do. She'd only just found herself, again. If the future she'd see for them was to come true, Jayne didn't need a little girl at his side but a strong woman.

When she pulled back and sat on the deck, she didn't want to break off all contact with him, so she leaned against one of his legs with her side pressed into the chair between his opened thighs. "You're nice and warm."

"So I been told," he mumbled. More 'en one whore had said it, but t'weren't anything Girlie, needed ta be hearin'. "And you're still cold, ain't ya?" He'd seen her shiver when she no longer had his arms around her. Jayne grabbed the ratty old throw from the back a the chair and wrapped her in it. "Ya gotta promise me that you'll tell us when you need something. Like now, you need to be kept warm. We're work partners and sparrin' partners, we take care 'a each other." He wasn't sure he liked the idea, 'specially with the randy way he was feelin', but a little voice in his head was sayin' it was true, 'sides she needed ta hear it.

"Like Zoë and Mal?" She looked up at him absorbing his body heat even through the throw.

"Yeah, like Zoë and Mal." There was somethin' 'bout that comparison he didn't like, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He'd think on it a bit and maybe come up with the answer.

"I bet we could take them in a fight." She grinned impishly at him.

"I bet we could." He smiled and laughed. "River, you sure know how ta take a man's mind off what he's thinkin' on. Cause I got more to say that you need to hear."

"Will it make me cry?" She looked worried and bit her lip.

"For a genius, you sure got a short memory. I already told ya, that I don't care 'bout that." He glared at her and wished he didn't have such a hard-on, made it tough to think. "We need ta talk 'bout your brother."

"Simon?" her brows rose in surprise.

"You got any other brothers, your hidin' from me?" When she shook her head no, he went on. "He carries around a heap 'a guilt for not gettin' ya outta that ruttin' Academy sooner. Ya can hear it in his voice sometimes. I figure he's gotta talk ta someone 'bout what he knows or it'll break him. It weren't like he went into detail. He sorta let it slip 'bout you never bein' warm enough. So ya need to cut em some slack. Why he'd choose a _hundan _like me I can't figure. 'Septin' maybe it was cause there was no one else and given enough Sake, a man'll say 'bout anythin'."

"They would keep me cold if I misbehaved, or sometimes just because they could." She shivered and pressed deeper into his leg, unwilling to give him more information.

"River, you're safe and all 'a us will do what ever we can to keep you that way." Jayne ran large hands up and down her arms and fought an almost overpowering urge to bash some Alliance heads against the wall.

"Simon told you because you cared enough to tell him what happened." Her chin wobbled and she luxuriated in the feel of Jayne's touch. "He trusted you to keep me safe when I was hanging from the end of a rope twenty feet above the deck."

"Well I don't know 'bout that. Could 'a just been the Sake that made him talk ta me."

"Thank you for being there for my brother."

"One more thing." He looked real serious and kept his hands on her shoulders. "Here's some advice from one partner to another. That little temper tantrum a the Captain's this evening in the cargo bay, t'weren't nothin' compared to how he's gonna blow when he finds out 'bout where everybody's been sleepin' since he was laid up. You need to tell him right quick."

"I can't. It's not just my secret to keep. If he forces 'Nara to leave again, it will break her."

"What're ya talkin 'bout, she wanted to leave before." Jayne frowned at her.

"He broke her heart. To have stayed would have destroyed her. Now he's brought her back and she can't leave, but he hasn't asked her to stay." Tears filled River's eyes as she looked into the past. All the old feelings she'd felt and the thoughts she hadn't been able to keep out slipped against her skin. She pressed closer to Jayne to feel his strength and calm. He had become her rock, the one who held her safely as she hung over a great abyss and kept her from falling.

"Ahhh River-Girl, you're exhausted. Ya need ta go ta bed." He gave her a quick hug and what he hoped was a brotherly kiss on the head. Whatever was goin' on 'tween Mal and Inara was much more that it appeared to be and he planned on steerin' clear of it. But he trusted the Girl. If she said that the Captain had somehow broken 'Nara's heart than he believed it. It just didn't seem possible; not considerin' the older woman was a companion. Their hearts didn't break.

"Do you like your drawing?" River stood and kept the throw wrapped tightly around her.

"I sure do." He smiled, but didn't get up. Sittin' he had a chance of hidin' the hardness in his pants, if he stood, she'd know how she'd made him feel. "Thank ya very much for doin' it for me."

"Your welcome," she smiled and headed out of the galley. Jayne leaned his face in his hands and tried to figure what in the ruttin' hell was the matter with him. He weren't the type to comfort little girl-women. There was trouble comin' and it had his name writ all over it. He just had to figure out what to do.

Neither River nor Jayne had seen Malcolm Reynolds standing frozen in the shadows on the other side of the door. No one saw him walk quietly back to the bridge, feelin' like he'd had a sword plunged in him again. But this time it wasn't in his side. Though he didn't think that it possible to be hurtin' where he was now, 'cause that particular organ had been turned to stone in Serenity Valley.


	5. Battles Won Battles Lost

61

**_Ch 5 Battles Won Battles Lost_**

_Serenity_ had been back in the Black for three days. When they'd broken atmo, leaving Persephone behind, the entire crew had taken a collective sigh of relief. The smuggler's hold was full and locked up tight, so there were credits to be made. A shipment from Badger had arrived; seconds after the last Alliance inspector had cleared the boat for flight.

The ship was five days out of Calderon's third moon, a dung heap of a world that even Jayne had managed to avoid. They had thieving to do and that was where the credits would change hands. A careful search of the Cortex hadn't given them any information on the people they were meeting. All in all it looked to be business as usual.

"I'm just sayin' we need to be a mite cautious, is all." Mal helped himself to a second portion of whatever the hell fancy named concoction Inara had made for dinner. It was mighty tasty. Though he knew it was mostly protein bit with some kinda sauce and a sprinklin' of dried vegetables and spices.

"Captain," River Tam looked up from her place beside Jayne. "I could be of help."

"You sure can, you're learnin' to fly this boat real fine." He went back to eating, trying to pretend that he didn't understand what she was really saying or that he hadn't given it some thought his own self.

"I love flying _Serenity_, and wouldn't want to stop doing so, but I have other skills that can be useful, too."

"I said, no! My ship, my rules." Mal put down his chopsticks and stared at her. "If you can do your reader thing from the bridge, then it's fine, but nothing more. Neither you or Kaylee should be havin' ta defend yourselves by takin' up arms."

"We aren't the same." The small girl smiled, hoping she could change his mind with reason. "I can't feel this ship's pain and know exactly how to fix it. I can't make the engine sing like Kaylee does, or do magic with a wrench and some wiring, to keep us flying. My magic is with a gun, a blade, or with these." She balled her hands into fists and shook them to emphasize her point. "And it is very strong."

"Just because ya can do it, don't make it right, Little Albatross." The Captain refused to use her as the Alliance had planned to.

The galley had gone silent when the argument began. The two participants didn't notice the look that Simon exchanged with Jayne. They didn't see the resigned expression on the Doc's face as he nodded slowly in agreement with the Mercenary.

"Ya know, Girlie, may have the right of it." The Merc offered.

"We're only out in the Black three days and already you people have forgetting….town hall….ship…big difference."

"Jayne was only speaking the truth!" River's chair scraped the deck, as she shot to her feet in anger. "I am a finely trained weapon. The Blue Hands changed me like the War did you. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't right for either of us, but it is a waste of resources to pretend that I am still the soft dancer-girl I was three years ago. I believe you once told me…'It's what I do, darlin'!' Why won't you let me do it?" She ran to the bridge, her eyes swimming with tears.

"Mal…" As much as Simon hated the idea he knew his sister was correct.

"Not one word, Doc," he rumbled. The girl had hit too close to home when she talked of the War. "I just don't want her to…gorramnit!" He grasped his chopsticks with fingers that had paled. Too many had died under his various commands and it was getting' to be too heavy a load.

"You'll break them," 'Nara whispered as she covered his hand with hers. His angry face swung around to meet hers carefully composed one. For a moment he'd forgotten anyone else was in the room. If it hadn't been for the deep sorrow in her eyes, he'd have deliberately tightened his grip until he heard the satisfying crunch of wood splinterin', just to spite her. Then he took a second look and realized she wasn't just talkin' 'bout the chopsticks.

"Sir, if I may?" Zoë asked softly from her end of the table. When her commanding officer nodded she went on. "She must feel like a finely tuned weapon, left lying around to collect dust. Dirt in the barrel, and grime gets around the trigger, until the day you pick it up 'cause you really need it. Then it doesn't work at all, just sits there in your hand, useless. It's not fair to make River feel useless, or punish her because of what they did to her."

"She's just so damn young," he sighed then straightened as he heard the sense in Zoë's words. "Simon, what you got to say on this?" Mal took a deep breath and looked at the Doc. "I believe I interrupted you when you was gonna put in your two-credit's worth."

"Well," he wiped his lips with his napkin and reached for Kaylee's hand which had been sitting on his thigh in support, since the argument began. "None of us are what we once were." He gripped the small hand he was holding, and kissed the back of it. "But that doesn't mean we can't make the most of what we've become." He looked around at the walls of the room that he loved almost as much as the woman who sat at his side. "I wouldn't trade what I've got now, as ship's medic, for all the hospital jobs the Core has to offer. You people are very good at keeping me busy, using unique skills for which I was highly trained…"

"Doc, just give it to me in Rim-speak!" The Captain rolled his eyes, wondering why the man couldn't ever give a simple answer to a simple question.

"All right," he smiled gently. "Let her do what she does best. But I'm warning the three of you." He looked around the table and deep into the eyes of Mal, Zoë and Jayne. "If she gets killed or taken by the Alliance again, I will shoot you."

"As long as it's you with a gun, and not your little sis, I'm not all that worried." The man at the head of the table nodded and took a drink of his coffee.

"I never said anything about using a gun." Simon smiled, sure of his ability to kill using any number of drugs at his disposal.

"Well it's like this, Doc; I figure that if Little Albatross goes down, then we've already been killed, so I'm still not all that worried."

"You're probably correct." Simon offered his hand to the Captain.

"Good," Mal took the younger man's hand and shook it to seal their unspoken agreement. "Why don't you go get her? She should be in on this too." This time he didn't miss the look that passed between Jayne and the Doc.

"I'll get 'er," the big man grunted and put the last dinner roll on his plate, as he pushed back his chair.

"What's that all 'bout?" The Captain wasn't sure which surprised him more, Jayne leavin' the table when there was still food, or the Merc gettin' on with the Doc.

"After fighting and almost dying together, it seemed pointless for us to be snapping at each other all the time." Simon nodded. "We had a chat about a number of things that day you went to register the work orders. It's amazing what can be settled over a bottle of cheap Sake."

"Yeah, and he got ya drunk." Kaylee grinned. "Loosened ya up a bit."

"I don't remember hearing any complaints." The young man blushed remembering how he'd ravished her body in a way that was most unbecoming a gentleman. He was very thankful that it hadn't been their first time together.

"I ain't complainin'. I didn't complain when you wasn't all…." The Mechanic's voice dropped almost to a whisper and her eyes sparkled.

"Oh please, you two, not at the table." Mal cut in. "I'm gonna be sick." He craned his neck lookin' for his missing crew members. "What can be takin' 'em so long?"

"We're comin', hold your horses." Jayne grouched as he and River entered the galley. As naturally as if he did it everyday, his hand skimmed the top of her head, straightenin' the occasional loose hair that had flown free from her clip, when she'd run from the table.

"Well, Little Albatross, we agree that you could be a help ta us on the job, but there are some issues that need to be covered." The Captain's nod included everyone at the table. "Who's gonna fly my boat, if you, Zoë, Jayne and me, get into a mite of trouble?"

River nibbled her top lip and kept her eyes on the food she was moving around her plate with one chopstick. "Inara has the most skill with a ship in the atmosphere of anyone at this table. The controls that operate _Serenity_ prior to breaking atmo are almost the same as those in the shuttle."

"Thievin' ain't 'Nara's business!"

"Let her speak, Mal, please." Inara's soft hand touched his arm. "I'm interested."

"I wasn't talking about thieving, just piloting." The girl responded gently.

Zoë sat quietly, remembering Wash's sentiments on the subject. '_Of course, they wouldn't arrest me if we got boarded. I'm just the pilot. I can always say I was flying the ship by accident._' She hoped the Captain didn't remember as well, 'cause the more she thought on it, the better she liked the idea of River joining them on jobs.

"There is something you need to know before we do this." She reached a small hand to Jayne's plate and grabbed the dinner roll he left sitting on the edge closest to her side. She split it evenly then returned half to him, while she took tiny bites out of the portion that was still in her hand.

"Hey, what you doin', Girlie? That was mine," he did his best to sound gruff, but it was an old game they'd played and he'd missed it since everything went screwy almost two months ago.

"But it was just sitting there, uneaten, and it was on my side." She continued taking delicate bites from her stolen food.

"This is my plate, all sides is mine! For a genius, you seem to miss the little things."

"You interrupted me." River pointed her nose in the air and turned back toward the Captain. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted." When the grumbling from her right became too loud, she placed a hand on Jayne's arm. "This is important for you to hear as well."

Small giggles broke out all around the table. It was the first normal thing that had happened at a meal in so long it was a pleasure watching the two deadliest people on the boat bicker.

"Do I have to send you two to separate corner?" Mal finally cut in. "I gather you got something we all need to hear, Little Witch."

"Yes," she put her roll down and became serious. "I've grown adept at keeping your thoughts out. I could do that before…a…before Miranda, but on a job, if you want me there as a reader, as well as another gun, the most efficient thing would be to let go of my filters and just listen to thoughts. I'm almost positive I can block the three of you, unless one or all of you have a strong sudden surge of emotion. Emotion has always been difficult for me to keep out and if I'm not expecting it my walls get knocked down and I will know what you're thinking. I imagine things can become very stressful if they go badly. If that happens, I will know what you're feeling and may pick-up some thoughts, as well."

"I'm okay with it. It seems like a small price to pay to keep the Captain from getting shot." Zoë smiled gently. The girl already knew her deepest secret and feelings, so it didn't matter.

Mal ignored his second-in-command's dig and thought for a moment about the impact of what the girl was tellin' em. "It's fine with me, too. 'Sides you've never talked about anything you've picked up when you wasn't all there, so to speak. Not much new you could learn." He'd been looking around the table as he spoke and noticed the Doc suddenly blush. It finally made sense why Simon and Kaylee had been sleepin' in her bunk for the last few nights; despite the fact his bed was larger and would be more comfortable for two. The Doc didn't want his _mei-mei_, on the other side of the wall while he was havin' all them strong emotions.

"Well first rule I'd say would be for Jayne. No thinkin' 'bout whores on any job when we got Little Albatross with us."

"Why you always pickin' on me?" he grumped. "'Sides I don't think 'bout whores when I'm workin'. It's a good way to get myself killed."

The slim girl beside him felt a jolt run right though her. It was as if the Mercenary had just read her thoughts. She took a tiny breath to get back under control. She knew she wasn't jealous, when he spoke of the women he used so casually, but she had a feeling that the time wasn't very far off when she would be.

"Jayne," she almost whispered as she looked at him sitting still and quiet beside her. "Is it all right with you, as well?"

"I figure if you ain't picked up anything durin' our sparrin' sessions, there ain't much for ya to read." He almost made a wise crack, but the serious look in her eyes made him think better of it. "I'm in too, River."

"Then I have one suggestion, if it is all right with you, Captain." She smiled at the man at the head of the table. His fatherly approval was important to her.

"Go for it darlin', as I believe you said, 'it's what you do'." He grinned at the joke between them.

"The three of you have been working as a team for a number of years now. It might be a good idea to set up some practice sessions in the cargo bay before we get to the drop site." The young woman looked anywhere but at the Captain as she continued. "We could pull a topography map from the Cortex to get an idea of the terrain. There's a satchel stashed under Simon's bed. It contains three more squirt guns. If you still have the one you took from me the other night, we'll be in business."

Jayne slapped his thigh and laughed harder than he had in a long time at Mal's stunned expression.

"I get the feelin' I just been had," the Browncoat muttered.

…………………………………….

River Tam began to twitch in her sleep as a nightmare took hold. Her body stiffened and she screamed, just as she was doing in her dream. Finally the noise reverberating off the sound proofed walls of the shuttle woke her.

She'd hoped that being back in the Black, again, would keep the night horrors away. This was the first one she'd had since they'd broken atmo three days ago. In panic she rolled from her bed. Without giving it a thought, she grabbed the worn old blanket that hadn't been strong enough to keep the cold out. Not bothering to dress, she scrambled down the stairs to the cargo bay in her pajama bottoms and tank top. There she could fight, even if it was only a punching bag, as she couldn't in her dreams.

As she kicked and hit the bag, she meticulously opened her mind, to concentrate on the passenger dorm. Much to her relief, her brother wasn't there. She hated that her almost nightly sessions were tearing him apart, but she needed to learn to deal with them on her own, or she'd never be truly free of them. He'd agreed to let her try, but too often, she felt his sorrow mixed with guilt because he couldn't change the past or erase deeply imbedded memories. Tonight she couldn't even feel his presence, so she was safe from his emotions.

"Thank you, Kaylee," she muttered and focused on her movements instead of Simon's whereabouts. She knew without checking that he was in the Mechanic's bunk. Tonight she could make all the noise she wanted, and wouldn't waken him to the knowledge that his _mei-mei_ was hurting.

There had been no nightmares that last night on Persephone, but River had slept in the dress and jacket she'd worn when she'd talked to Jayne. As she'd curled up in her bed, she'd picked up the slight fragrance of leather, gun oil, cigar smoke, and man. She'd pressed close to his scent, much as she'd done his body, when he'd held her in his arms. It had made her feel safe and warm and it had kept the nightmares at bay.

Every night since she'd gone to bed with her jacket tucked against her face, but tonight when she'd pulled it near all she'd smelled was her own shampoo. Too much time had passed. Her protection was gone.

High above, on the catwalk, Jayne Cobb stood in wrinkled cargo pants and T-shirt. His strong hands were wrapped tightly around the railing until his knuckles turned white. Each night he'd stayed up late, cleanin' his girls, or pretendin' to read a gun magazine he couldn't concentrate on, listening for River. He was beginnin' to think maybe things weren't as bad as the Doc and indicated in their little talk.

He'd tried to sleep tonight, but only tossed and turned until he gave up and headed to the galley with an arm load of clean laundry. He'd been foldin' and unfoldin' his clothes for the better part of an hour, when he heard lightly runnin' feet flyin' down them steps from 'Nara's shuttle.

"Jayne," Inara came up behind him and whispered as she touched his arm. "Come with me, please."

"But, River…is…." He pointed distractedly toward the small girl kicking the old punchin' bag as if her life depended on it.

"Shhh," the Companion tapped her lips with one slender forefinger and frowned at him. "It is necessary that she do this, and do it, alone. Trust me." She shook her head unable to hide her own worry so she settled for pulling on the Mercenary until he gave up his position and followed. "It appears to have been a difficult nightmare. She didn't bother to change out of her nightwear, so it'll be a while. But when she's worked it through, she'll be up to the galley for tea."

"How da ya know that?" The Merc grudgingly followed the Companion.

"It's part of the understanding we have." 'Nara stopped in her tracks and wrinkled her nose, when she saw the stack of clothes at one end of the table. "I do hope those are clean."

"'Course they are. I was just…." The big man fumbled for words that wouldn't give him away. "My bunk's kinda cluttered right now…and well…" He glared at the woman who was grinning at him in amusement. "Well damnit all, you been gone for a spell, maybe I'm just doin' things a mite differently than I was four months ago."

"Yes…I…was…a…gone…a…for awhile." Looking around the room she knew so well made her dizzy, as her past and present collided head-on. "And you're correct, things are different, most things anyway." She felt a lump in her throat and had to work hard to control her breathing. "We've all changed….since…well…Miranda. At least most of us have!" She turned away quickly because her eyes filled with tears. She'd promised herself that she'd cried all she was ever going to over Malcolm Reynolds. That, like so many other promises regarding the man, was useless.

"Ya know, some tea might be okay," Jayne spoke gruffly. He never thought he'd live to see a Companion cry 'sides he'd dealt with all the cryin' women he could stand in the last few days. River had been snifflin' when he found her on the bridge to take her back to dinner. He'd pretended he hadn't noticed. "Think I could convince ya ta add a bit a whiskey to the cup. There's gotta be a bottle stashed someplace 'round here."

"Up here," Inara turned and reached to open one of the high cupboards. "Ohhh," she gasped and automatically pressed her hand against her side. "What an unusual place to get a cramp," her words were breathy and laced with pain as she tried to cover her error.

"Ain't so odd when ya call 'em what they is: broken ribs." Jayne looked her in the eyes and reached over her head to get the bottle. "You should be more careful, or they ain't never gonna heal."

"That's what Simon has advised me, as well." She took a deep breath and then shuddered at the sharp pain just below her heart.

"Well that's between you and the Doc." He shrugged as if he didn't care. "T'ain't none a my business."

"Thank you," she murmured, understanding his unspoken words: her secret was safe. "Would you reach the items needed from the cupboard while I put the kettle on?" Attempting to recover her dignity as quickly as possible, she gave the Merc one of her careful smiles.

"Sounds fair 'nuff." He nodded then squinted at the collection of tea containers that were lined up on the shelf. He didn't remember seeing that many in the past. "Which one of these things ya want?" As far as he was concerned, tea was tea, and unfortunately t'weren't coffee!

"The Earl Grey goes nicely with a bit of liquor. It's the one in the grey container. You might find that to your liking. I'll have the Chamomile-Hibiscus. It's in the blue tin, no caffeine." She didn't need anything hindering the little sleep she was able to get. "Then there's…."

"I don't need no ruttin' lesson on fancy lady teas!" he growled. He didn't have no patience for waitin'. He wanted Girlie in this room, right now, to be sure she was okay! And was damned if was gonna stand around making po-lite conversation.

"Oh," Inara hissed. Her eyebrow rose in challenge. "I suppose you'd rather _pretend_ to fold laundry until River gets up here!" Her voice was low and angry as she crossed her arms and glared at him. Years of training and composure slipped away as if they'd never been there.

"I ain't pretendin' nothin'. Why'd ya think I was waitin' on Crazy-Girl?" He didn't know what surprised him more, bein' caught, or the fact that 'Nara had lost her temper. In the past when he'd pissed her off, she'd have come back with a smug superior answer.

"Whatever!" her glare could have melted straight through tritanium, as she slammed the tea containers, he'd just handed her, on the counter. "I'm going to need one more, please, that is if it doesn't offend your sensibilities to get it for me."

"Sensibilities?" he grunted. "I ain't got none of them and you know it."

"Be that as it may," each word was bitten out of her mouth. She was tired and hurting. There was only one man she wanted to have words with and he was sound asleep in the Captain's quarters. In frustration she pointed toward the shelf of teas, "White cylinder that reads Jasmine…White…Tea," she spoke the name as if she were talking to a third grader.

"Two ain't enough?" his frown clearly said he thought it a terrible waste to be makin' three different cups a tea.

"The last one is for River." Her eyes dared him to make a further comment, but he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut. "I've been giving it to her each night. She likes it and it sooths her"

Jayne shook the white container then opened it to sniff its contents. "Ya don't got much left."

"That's why she's the only one drinking it." The tea had been the one she'd kept for her personal use. None of her clients had ever been given any. Just River Tam and...She shook her head to be rid of the memory of Mal's reaction when she'd offered him a cup. He'd accused her of attempting to use her wiles on him and had stomped out of her shuttle.

"You want one of these here pots to brew that stuff in?" The Merc's gruff voice broke into her thoughts.

"Ahh….No, we've been making due with coffee mugs."

"Sooo, ya been roughin' it?" he teased tryin' to bring things back to normal.

"I apologize for being difficult." 'Nara's shoulders relaxed and she leaned against the counter as she filled the kettle before locking it into place over the heating unit.

"S'okay, I kinda started it all." It was as close as Jayne Cobb came to sayin' he was sorry. "You was right, I am a mite worried about Girlie, and I'm not good at waitin'"

"Apology accepted." In the past she would have said more, but it was no longer the past and she wasn't the same woman she had been. "You may want to get your 'laundry' off the table? She'll be up soon."

Jayne grabbed his clothes and was about to toss them in the big chair where he'd held River the night before they left Persephone. It was a memory he hadn't been able to shake no matter how hard he'd tried. He didn't want anything of his, anywhere near that chair, so he dashed to his bunk to drop them down the hatch.

When he re-entered galley there was steam risin' from both mugs and 'Nara was carryin' 'em to the table. "Well that didn't take you long." She smiled at the big Merc.

"Well…ah…maybe…things ain't changed all that much around here." He shrugged his shoulders then frowned. "So, what's this bargain ya got with Girlie?"

"We've been taking care of one another during the long nights. This boat can get…well…" She shook her head to cut off that strange train of thought and handed him the bottle, so he could add his own whiskey. "I promised to leave her alone when she fought her nightmares using the punching bag, if she'd check with me afterward. Once or twice she's had to waken me, but that was all right. I knew she'd beaten her fears for another night and would get back to sleep easily." She shrugged and looked a bit embarrassed. "We tried meditation, but it never worked for her."

"Would ya tell the Doc if she…well…ya…know…lost control?" It's what he'd done and even though River had been glad, it had worried him some, at the time.

"It would be necessary," Inara whispered guiltily.

Jayne nodded in agreement. "What did ya do before ya got me to hang that punchin' bag?" Thinkin' back, it had been the Companion who'd prodded him to git the old thing outta storage and hang it.

"All I could do was hold her, as she cried and fell to pieces." She shivered remembering those first nights on _Serenity_. She and River had clung to one another to keep from going under. They'd had no power so it had been cold and dark. Mal and Simon had still been in the hospital and the rest should have been.

"_Cao ni zuxian shi ba dai,"_ the words rumbled out from deep in Jayne's chest. "Sorry 'Nara…t'weren't referrin'ta you." He added another generous splash of whiskey to his cup.

"I understand," she smiled tiredly.

"Why don't you go on ta bed, I'll wait for Girlie."

As tired as she was, Inara felt something was wrong. The usually selfish mercenary had been acting odd all evening. His actions were out of character for the man she'd known for almost two years. "It's a very kind offer but…I'm a little unclear why you feel it necessary to do so."

"I can't give ya answers I don't have." He was worried about River and it frustrated him 'cause it didn't make sense. That was why he'd argued with the Companion earlier.

"Not so long ago you would have…."

"I know," he sighed. "It's like ya said earlier, we've changed. If ya ask me, Miranda was just the result of the changin'." He looked deep into his tea as if he was gonna find the answers there. "For years I'd hear Zoë and Mal talkin' 'bout all that War stuff, or see the looks that passed 'tween 'em when someone mentioned Serenity Valley. It never made sense to me. Those two are mighty close. I didn't think a man and a woman could be that close unless they was sexin' and even then I ain't so sure." He heard Inara's gasp and ignored it, 'cause he was certain she didn't realize she'd made a sound. "No matter how close they been, it never had anything ta do with sexin'. If'n they had, Zoë would a taken Wash and left this boat. She ain't the type to go rubbin' her husband's nose in her…whatever ya want ta call it."

"No, they never…it wasn't…a…Zoë..." She licked her suddenly dry lips as she remembered standing in a corridor and watching Mal come out of Nandi's room putting on his shirt. That's the moment she'd begun to change, but hadn't known it at the time. Her fingers shook as she poured more whiskey into Jayne's cup and tried to focus on what he was saying.

"It didn't start with that Miranda _go se_. It started to go strange before that. I ain't sure when." He shrugged and took a swallow from his mug. "I keep tryin' to pin it down and my mind won't settle on it. I trusted Girlie's word when she was yellin' 'bout Reavers when we were robbin' that payroll station on Lilac. Not sure when that started…the trustin' I mean." He shook his head not likin' where his mind was carryin' him. The last time he'd doubted her, she'd knocked his lights out with a big can a something. He'd trusted her not to kill him, but he'd been mighty worried 'bout the trouble that was followin' her. "Anyway it's the battle on Mr. Universe's moon that takes my breath away. I think if'n we'd been like we was back in the beginnin', we wouldn't a come back, none of us, even River."

"You saved Zoë's life, when she ran from cover to attack the Reavers. Wash's death was consuming her and she wanted revenge. I don't think she cared about living then." 'Nara shuddered still remembering the sounds, smells and fear of the battle.

"I didn't even think 'fore I acted, just followed the Captain's orders to hold the line. But when you fight 'long side people who ya know will cover your back, ya do stuff like that, I figure. We'd already changed and there weren't no goin' back." He wasn't 'bout to tell her that when she'd left _Serenity_, all them months ago, it 'bout undid all the changes that had begun. "We ran onto that moon expectin' to die and we fought as hard as we could, but t'weren't hard enough. That bitty girl down in the cargo bay saved us 'cause she's a ruttin' killin' machine, so if'n she has nightmares 'cause of what they turned her into, or anything she done, then we gotta be sure she's okay!"

"I'm sorry I doubted you," Inara whispered and got up to wash her cup. "River has the instructions for the proper brewing of her tea, so you won't have to bother with preparing it." She smiled as she poured a little bit more whiskey for Jayne and then picked up the bottle. "You're right I am tired. I've waited up for her almost every night for the last six weeks. If you'd be good enough to take over for me, I'll say 'good-night'." She smiled and headed for the engine room.

"Night," the Merc mumbled, but his mind wasn't on the woman who'd just left the room. He knew that somewhere in his round about way of explainin' things to the Companion, he'd said something very important. He just couldn't figure out what it was. His mind kept circlin' back to Zoë and Mal, but that didn't make no sense, 'cause he believed everything he'd said 'bout them. He didn't know how long he sat there thinkin' on the words that had spilled outta him. He was deep in thought when River walked softly into the galley.

"Jayne?" the surprise was evident in her voice. "I was expecting…"

"I sent Inara on to bed. She was tuckered out. She left a tea canister on the counter and told me you knew how to make the stuff."

"It won't be necessary." River ran her fingers through her damp hair and dropped the blanket she'd brought from the shuttle over the back of the chair at the head of the table. "I can't drink it." She concentrated on the raspy wool material under her hand, instead of the Mercenary who sat less than an arm's reach away, to her right. "The tea belongs to her other life. But it's special, and almost gone." The girl's voice had dropped so low it was as if she were talking to herself. "'Nara will never buy it again, unless he does first," River muttered, seeing something she knew she shouldn't be intruding on. But the truth had been soaked into the blanket by the Companion's tears.

Jayne hardly heard her words, 'cause he couldn't take his eyes off of Girlie. Tangled brown hair fell over her shoulders and face. Her pale complexion was beaded with sweat and she was breathin' raggedly as if she was tryin' to catch her breath. Her thin white top was almost transparent as it lay against her damp skin allowin' him to see more of her body than he should.

"Girl," the word ground out from deep in his throat. "Put on that blanket afore ya get chilled. The way you're sweatin', it won't be long." She was making his blood hum and he was fightin' the reaction afore it got outta hand like the other night.

"I know," muttered, her mind still somewhere else, as she headed toward the sink.

For one terrible second he wondered if she had read his thoughts. Then he noticed that her usual graceful walk was blunted by exhaustion. That did more to calm his randy mood than he would have thought possible.

"But first…this…" River turned on the tap and sluiced her face and neck with water. She ran her wet palms over her messy hair in an attempt to tame it. When she moved back to the table, she dried off using an edge of the blanket before wrapping it around her shoulders.

"Did ya burn off all that extra adrenalin?" Jayne recognized the signs and knew what she was goin' through.

"Mostly," she nodded holding onto the back of the chair for balance. The movement of her head sent a drop of water slowly running down her neck. It trailed across her chest, between the top edges of her breasts and was lost from sight.

Jayne bit his lip to keep from groanin' but couldn't take his eyes off the damp trail that ran from below her slender jaw to somewhere he shouldn't even be thinkin on. He had a sudden urge to run his tongue over her skin, followin' that little drop of water to all her hidden places. Instead he stood and stepped around the edge of the table that separated them. "Might want to close this up a bit higher," his voice was raspy as he gripped the sides of her blanket to hide the wedge a creamy skin from view. "This boat gets mighty drafty when runnin' on night power."

River looked way up until her eyes were caught in the laser gleam of his. It was like he was looking deep inside her. A part of her wondered why she wasn't screaming in pain and fright, like when the Blue Hands had used their laser on her. Then she realized the back of his thumb was moving gently against her skin where he held the blanket together. She smelled leather, gun oil, cigar smoke, whiskey and man. Time slowed as she wondered if this was the moment, the moment where it all began. Were they finally taking the first step that would lead them down the long road to the end she'd seen months ago?

She knew he was attracted to her. She could see it in his eyes now and hadn't missed how his body had responded to hers the other night. The attraction was mutual if the tightening in her stomach and the quickening in odd places in her body were anything to go by. But lust wouldn't be enough for them to go the distance.

She searched for the answer deep within, but found it, instead, in the gentle expression on his face as he unknowingly caressed her neck. They'd taken that step long ago, but she'd been too crazy to realize. It had been when she'd popped freezing, frightened and disoriented, out of the cold sleep box. Now all they had to do was drift the currents of time and trust in the future.

"Thank you," she took a deep breath and covered his hands with hers, needing one more moment of touch before they broke eye contact. "You are a nice man Jayne Cobb."

"No I ain't!" He looked as deadly as he could and wondered what had been goin' on in that brain of hers. They'd been starin' in each other's eyes, which was a fool thing to do. Even if it hadn't been for more than a second or two, but she'd seemed ta have been thinkin' real hard on the situation. And he knew he wasn't gonna forget it anytime soon. "I'm a mean, cold-blooded, killer!"

"So am I." She smiled a crooked half smile. "What's not to like, as I said, nice."

"Ya got a point there." He nodded in agreement, the mood in the galley suddenly much lighter. "Them eyes of yours could kill a man in one glance, if ya had a mind to." Jayne reached for a lock of hair that had fallen across her face and gently tucked it behind her ear.

"Kill with my eyes, kill with my brain, it's all the same trick." She grinned at him enjoying the old joke. "Does that mean you think I have pretty eyes?" She teased, already knowing the answer.

"Pretty ain't in my vocabulary!" he growled.

"Exactly, but you admire things that can kill." She grinned at him over her shoulder as she put 'Nara's tea canister away.

"Admire ain't pretty, so don't go puttin' words in my mouth." Jayne tried to look mean, but it was hard when he was fightin' laughter. She knew him better than he thought.

"Well you have pretty eyes." Her brows rose in delight as he bristled at her words.

"T'ain't nothing about me that's pretty!" Though he'd been told that about his eyes before, he wasn't sure he liked it. But for some reason when River said it, it was easier to take than when it came outta some whore's mouth. "I'm a mercenary. I'm supposed to look deadly and scary!"

"Well how about this…" She scrunched up her face and thought for a moment. "You've got eyes like the twin laser points of a 'J.A.R.007Q'." She thought the analogy was appropriate. The rifle was smooth, sleek and very deadly. Its sighting mechanism was the exact shade of blue she was looking into now.

Jayne gasped unsure if he was pleased or upset. The weapon the girl was talkin' 'bout wasn't available even on the black market. It belonged to the Alliance Secret Service. It was a real class act and she spoke of it with a familiarity that was creepafyin'. "Have you…"

"Don't ask me a question unless you want to hear the real answer." She carefully studied the odd pattern on his T-shirt as she spoke. Finally she dug deep through residues of adrenalin surging through her blood and memories of night terrors. Her chin rose to look him in the face. "I sometimes lie to Simon, because he doesn't understand the darkness that is out here. I refuse to hurt either him or Kaylee anymore than I already have. But you've seen the ugly side of this 'verse. You've seen it, touched it, smelled and sometimes caused it, just as I have. My answers won't cause you pain."

"I told you the other night you could tell me anything," his voice was a deep rumble like thunder before a summer storm. He didn't add that it did cause him pain. Real bad pain 'cause he saw how her eyes were old and flat, as if they'd died a long time ago, instead of the deep sparkling brown pool, that moments ago a man would willingly drown in.

"Then about the 'J.A.R.007Q', yes I know for sure." She stood very straight daring him to respond badly. When he only nodded, she reached for his cup on the table and sniffed it. "Whiskey, may I?"

"Just don't tell your brother or Mal that I let ya have any." He watched as she took a deep drink.

"Oww, that's nasty," her words were breathy as her throat burned and her eyes watered.

"You should head on to bed, River." He took the cup from her. "You got piloting to do tomorrow."

"Not yet," she held her hand out and he could see how it shook slightly from adrenalin tremors. "I'm going to take advantage of Simon's absence from the passenger dorm and sit in the lounge for a while. It's warmer there than in the shuttle and no one will know I'm up. Thank you for your help tonight."

"Wait," Jayne called after her. "I still got some of this to drink. Do you mind the company?"

"I'd enjoy it." She smiled and headed out of the galley. She could hear him turning out the lights behind them.

Once in the lounge, River sat on the couch with her knees up under her chin and wrapped her blanket around her. "May I have another sip?" She held up a slim hand for his cup.

"Thought you said it was 'nasty'." He grinned at her and sat beside her, careful to leave space between them.

"It is, but I like the smell."

"You're a strange girl." Jayne laughed and held out the cup. "How 'bout you just sniff it and I'll drink it."

"You would not be the first to make that observation." She leaned closer to him and enjoyed the fragrance of the liqueur.

"How come if'n you're always cold, you insist on walkin' 'round all the time without your boots?" It had been bothering him since Simon had let slip her reason for needin' to be warm more than most folks.

"There are worst forms of torture than the removal of warmth." River leaned against his shoulder needing to feel him close if she voiced this. "There is the deprivation of touch. Our parents were never very demonstrative, but I always had Simon. He never felt it was beneath him to hug his _mei-mei_, but at the Academy touch was forbidden. I went almost three years without feeling another's skin against mine. On _Serenity_ I can feel the ship's touch as I walk in bare feet. She is not human, but I can feel her voice. When we're on a planet the ground is soothing and gentle. It's the giver of life and warms me through and through." She shrugged embarrassed that she'd told him so much.

"Come here, River," his voice shook as he put his cup down and folded her into his arms. It was the one thing he'd promised himself that he wouldn't do. Since the night he'd held her he'd been deliberately keeping his distance. It cut him deeply to realize it had been probably more hurtful to her than if he'd slapped her. Without thinking he ran one hand through her long hair as he'd done once before but kept her bound tightly to his chest with the other.

River buried her nose deep against his neck. She was surrounded by him. His scent made her shiver in delight. His reaction to what she'd told him had been totally unexpected. It made her cling to him in relief.

"Jayne," she whispered and rested her head in the crook of his arm so she could look him full in the face. "Thank you for not asking about the nightmare."

"I figured the argument with Mal was part of it." He frowned unsure if he should say more. "Ya know you don't need to go on jobs."

"Yes I do. It's who I've become."

"I understand why you're not tellin' Simon things no more and I won't tell him 'bout this, 'less you think I should, but remember anythin' I can do to help, just say the word." He looked into her eyes relieved that they didn't look old and dead, but were back to bein' pretty shinin' pools.

"Thank you and you needn't tell Simon. Nightmares aren't an unusual occurrence for me." She smiled at him and buried her face into his neck again. "This is all the help I need," she whispered as she breathed deeply of the scent of leather, gun oil, whiskey, cigar smoke and Jayne.


	6. Caught In The Moment

78

**Disclaimer: **They all belong to Joss

**Pairing: **Jayne/River; Mal/Inara

**Rating: **PG-13

**Beta: **Huge thanks to Ceslas she has the patience of a saint!

**_Voices And Visions_**

By

_**Lattelady**_

**_Ch 6 Caught In The Moment_**

River wasn't quite dreaming, but she wasn't awake either. She could feel herself floating. It was that wonderful time of day, when sleep and reality met on common ground.

"River," a voice called to her. "River, wake up."

"Daddy?" she smiled unsure if she whispered the name or if it was pure thought. As reality stepped to the foreground and sleep vanished, she nodded, recognizing the timbre and cadence of the man's words. "Daddy," she mumbled and patted the hand that was gently trying to waken her.

"No, Little Albatross, I'm not your pa." Malcolm Reynolds gripped River's fingers in his. The child was obviously still sleepin'. "Wake-up, Little Witch, you got some pilotin' to do. 'Sides 'Nara's almost got breakfast on the table.

"Good morning," she yawned and stretching her arms above her head. Her movement sent something sliding to the floor with a plop. She blinked at her surroundings and realized she was still on the couch in the lounge. "I didn't mean to fall asleep here last night."

"Jayne's gun magazines will do that to a person." Mal leaned over and picked up the fallen item. "It isn't your usual readin' material."

"Huh," she blinked at him and shook her head. The last thing she remembered was Jayne sitting beside her, holding her tightly. When he'd run his large hands through her hair and over the skin of her shoulder and arm, it had unlocked something inside. She'd leaned into his touch and for the first time in almost three years relaxed enough to let her guard down completely. She must have fallen deeply asleep.

When Mal straightened and dropped the fallen object onto the end table, River was sittin' rubbin' her eyes. "Whoa, girl, if you're gonna be sleepin' anywhere but your own bunk, you gotta wear more clothes."

"This top is almost the same as the ones I wore working in the ducts." She pulled the blanket around her shoulders, hiding the article of clothing under discussion. Inara had scrounged some tank tops for her to work in. Though cut the same, the camisole she'd slept in was made of thinner material.

"Well, almost is almost, and the same is the same. So don't give me any of those word games you use on your brother, _dong ma_?" He scowled. "'Sides you were always deep in those holes. Not just sittin there hardly dressed. I'm sure your brother would agree with me."

"Agree with you about what, Captain?" Simon leaned against the hatch frame. His arms were folded across his chest as he tried not to smile. Watching someone else go head to head with his sister was much more amusing than when he was doing it

"'Bout what she's wearin' or hardly wearin'." Mal frowned as River rolled her eyes and stood to slip past him. The older man sighed in relief when he saw the girl was at least wearin' pajama bottoms, like a normal person.

"Good morning, Simon." She gave her brother a kiss on the cheek and headed toward her room in the passenger dorm. She never slept there anymore, but kept her clothes in the drawers and closet. It was handy and added to the ruse.

"Actually, my concern was that she wasn't sleeping behind a locked door." The Doc sighed.

"Yeah, that too, Little Albatross," Mal shouted as she climbed the few steps to the dorm.

Neither man noticed that River buried her nose deep in her blanket and inhaled the fragrance of leather, gun oil, whiskey, cigar smoke and Jayne. She smiled and knew it would help her sleep tonight.

"Doc, I got one other concern." The Captain waited until Little Albatross had closed her door before he spoke. "I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, 'cause she was half asleep when she said it, but she called me daddy?"

"Ohhh, that," Simon chuckled and pulled on his ear. "I wondered if you'd ever find out. Remember the time you transported those stolen cattle and River and I were kidnapped, then almost burned at the stake?"

"That's not somethin' I'm liable to forget." He laughed at the memory. "Jayne hangin' outta _Serenity's_ belly like some gorramn avengin' angel. I bet he and Vera put the fear of the devil into all them nice religious folk who thought stealin' people was a Godly thing to do."

"It's amusing as I look back, but at the time it was terrifying."

"But what's that got to do with your little sis mixin' me up with your pa?"

"Actually, she isn't. That night when those people had us, we were both exhausted. I was worried sick about River. But she seemed fine. All she wanted to do was feed me Hodgeberries that she'd collected. Then she looked at me and said that I needed my strength because we wouldn't be there long. Daddy was coming for us to take us home."

"Ohhh, that must've been a mite worrisome."

"No, what worried me was that when she said it, she'd never looked so sane or content." Simon's brows rose and he rocked on his feet. "I didn't know it then, but she wasn't having a moment of dementia, she was having a precognition. She was talking about this boat as home." He fondly patted the bulkhead nearest him. "And you as…."

"Her pa?" Mal gasped in surprise, unsure how he felt on the matter.

"A precog-what?" Jayne strode into the Lounge. "Your little sis borrowed my magazine last night and didn't return it. Sorry to be interruptin'." His eyes searched the room. He'd been hopin' to talk to Girlie before the others did. Since 'Nara had changed the touch-code to the shuttle when she came back and he knew River didn't want to be sleepin' in her old room in the passenger dorm, he'd left her on the couch. Though he'd never admit to anyone that he'd sat there holdin' her 'till almost dawn. Then he'd gotten his latest copy of 'Guns and Ammo', and set it next to her to make it look like she fell asleep readin'. That way she didn't have to do no explainin' if they discovered her there.

"A precognition," Simon sighed and rubbed his eyes. "It's like intuitiveness, knowing that things are going to happen before they do. We've seen it time and again with River, Often, before Miranda…too often…" He shook his head at his shortsightedness. "We…I…thought she was just spouting craziness."

"Like on your birthday," Jayne had found his magazine and stuck it in his back pocket. "She said 'fire'. We all sat around like a bunch a _hundans_, waiting for you to blow out your candles. The next thing we know, Zoë's blasted across the room and the flames of hell is roarin' at us."

"_Chun,_" Mal gritted his teeth. "We all missed it."

"I just wonder how many times we…." He shook his head in pain. "I can't believe I failed my sister so badly."

"She really does see the future don't she, Doc?" The Mercenary tried to ignore the burning in his stomach, but it wouldn't go away. It was confusin'. It seemed like Girlie knew what she was talkin' 'bout, but what if he didn't want the future that she'd seen for him. The idea of havin' a woman of his own and kids someday was somethin' he'd spent hours starin' at the ceilin' of his bunk thinkin' on the last few days. But he just couldn't picture it. He'd never met a whore who he'd trusted enough to kiss on the lips, let alone into his life, and he'd met a passel of whores in his time. What the hell was he gonna do?

"Oh my God," Simon whispered as he remembered something from long ago. "River are you dressed?" He stood on the steps that separated the lounge/infirmary area from the passenger dorm.

"I am decent," she called out as she opened her door and walked toward him. She was wearing a dark green dress with a soft wooly short jacket of some kind. Her hair was neatly brushed and pulled back from her face with the clip Inara had given her. "How may I help you?" She kept moving past him and through the lounge, knowing that she should be on the bridge.

"Do you remember when you were about eight years-old and you used to play with my old toy soldiers? You liked to make up battles between the Independents and the Alliance."

"Of course," she smiled and shook her head. "I'd hide behind the settee in the morning room, so our parents wouldn't see me. They thought I should be playing with dolls instead."

"In your games, whenever the Independents won a battle, what where they riding?"

"Dinosaurs," River grinned remembering the way it used to make her brother laugh, but as another newer memory filled her mind, she shook head in denial. "No...It's not….it couldn't have been…." she gasped picturing Wash playing with his toys as he flew the ship. Her eyes slammed closed as the importance of what she'd always thought of as a silly child's game, hit home. "Oh no…" Her already fair skin went almost white. "It was only a game wasn't it? I wasn't seeing the future, Simon, I wasn't!"

"She's going to faint, get her head lower than her heart!" Her brother yelled and stumbled against the Captain as both men tried to reach her at the same time, but Jayne was closer and quicker.

"No, I'm all right." River argued as the room swam around her. Jayne had one hand on her shoulder but she hardly felt it. "Don't tell Zoë," she gasped.

"Don't tell me what?" The Warrior Woman came striding in from the cargo bay.

"Oh!" The girl wheeled around to face her as she moved toward them. Then the genius killer, who moved through life as if she were dancing, crumpled like a marionette whose strings had been cut.

"I got 'er!" Jayne's arm went 'round her waist pulling her tightly against him. He tangled his free hand deep in her hair, protecting the back of her head as he quickly bent forward at the waist. "Easy there Riv…ah…Girlie, not gonna let ya fall."

He felt her small hands gripping his arm, as he kept them balanced. Her breathing was quick and shallow as she fought the visions in her head.

"Get her into the Infirmary." Simon demanded.

"No, not there!" she yelled. With her eyes tightly closed, she was filled with guilt that she might have prevented Wash's death. A thousand images shot through her mind. There was a little girl with dark silky hair; a teen strapped to an examination chair as she screamed while they tortured her mind; that same girl as she fought and killed, her fists red with blood of the dead; a bar on Persephone, littered with bodies as her skills controlled her body instead of conscious thought. "Never again," she whispered and felt the reassuring tightening of the arm around her.

But River was caught in the moment, fighting to overcome conditioned mental training. One hand held securely to Jayne's arm as he steadied her, the other snaked toward his thigh. But before it could reach its destination she heard his quiet voice in her ear, "Easy there, Girlie." His face was pressed into her neck and she felt the raspy tickle of his goatee. With it came another memory, but this was of the future. She could see, stacked before her, all the thousands of nights that he'd wrap his body around hers, as he was doing now and they would sleep, his whiskers rubbing gently against her tender skin.

In that moment she let go and gave herself over to Jayne's strength. "Please, I'm all right," her words were breathy, but clear over the confused panic that filled the room.

"Ya sure 'bout that?" The big man straightened slowly, but never took the protective arm from around her waist. His eyes locked on the Doc's.

"Her color is back to normal." Simon gave Jayne a reassuring nod. "But I need to check her over."

"No!" the word came out much louder than she'd meant them to. "No exam chair. This has to stop now."

"But, _mei-mei_…."

"Stop, just stop, no matter what I do, your drama always causes loud confusion. It swirls around me and won't let me think." Pulling in deep breathes she looked over her shoulder at the big man who was still holding her as if he was afraid she'd crumple, if he let go. "Please, Jayne, I'm fine."

When he released her, she fled past Zoë who looked on in surprise. The pilot kept on going until she was surrounded by the peace and quiet of the bridge. Stars blinked at her from the Black as she took her place in Wash's chair. Her fingers shook when she ran them over his dinosaurs.

No matter how hard she tried she couldn't blot out the image of a smiling blonde man with blue eyes watching over the shoulder of a small dark haired girl, as she made the pre-historic Earth-That-Was creatures march in neat battle formation. "It never happened like that. He wasn't there," she whispered to Rex. "I would have remembered."

…………………………………..

River concentrated on flying the ship and tried to ignore the voices that would occasionally drift her way from the galley. They were talking about her, and all the things she'd said that they may or may not have misunderstood. Why couldn't they just leave the past in the past? They already knew she'd been….crazy. With effort, she made herself say the words out loud. "I was crazy."

Saying them only made her grip the controls tighter to keep from trembling. It didn't make the insistent buzzing that came from the galley, go away. She looked straight ahead and concentrated with all her effort on the star pattern in front of her to block it all out.

She jumped when she heard Jayne's angry voice over all the rest. "'Nuff of this _go se_!" he yelled. "The Doc told us when they first came aboard, that she'd have her moony-brained days. I got the scar to prove it. But we all knew she weren't like that all the time. We missed some stuff, 'cause we didn't trust her, but things 'er different now." He's shoved back his chair and slammed his dishes in the sink. "I don't see what all the fuss is 'bout. Talkin' it into the ground ain't gonna change the past." As he headed toward the stairs to the cargo bay, he thought of River sittin' all alone on the bridge. He turned back to the group at the table his face screwed into a tight scowl. "And if'n you think she ain't feeling what's goin' on at this table, then you all are as nuts as she used to be!" The clomp of his heavy boots on the steps echoed through out the ship.

Moments later Zoë entered the bridge. It felt empty without Wash and it took her breath away. She'd been avoiding this room unless she was alone. It was strange to see someone else sitting in her husband's place.

"Little One, you should eat this before it gets too cold." She handed the girl a plate and a mug. "Inara's a darn good cook, but once protein mash gets cold, even her magic won't help it any."

"Thank you." The young girl's hands moved through the sequence that would put _Serenity_ on autopilot before she reached for her meal. "It's not magic, 'Nara added cinnamon and nutmeg."

"Ahhh…" Zoë nodded. "It's going on eight or nine years since I've tasted those. I thought I was imagining the flavor." She took a seat at the co-pilot's station. "Where'd she ever get spices like that?" It was easier to talk about trivial things than what she'd come to say, though it wasn't her usual style to avoid an issue.

"One of the things Inara was doing on her shopping trips, while we were working on the ship, was searching the market place for things to make our meals taste better." She took a bit of her breakfast enjoying the improvement to their usual morning fare. "The merchant she bought these from didn't know the treasures he had. It was the same place I purchased the squirt guns." River laughed in delight. "That I can understand, because Persephone has to ration water eleven months out of the year. But he should have known about the spices. Inara found them in jars collecting dust between the cigars and a rack of pipes."

"The stall owner thought they were for smoking? The man was a fool!"

"He was from Dyton Colony, what do you expect?" River shrugged. "Badger's from there."

"Ahhh," Zoë nodded and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. A sure signal that she was about to get to the real reason she'd stayed to talk. "Simon told us about the game you used to play as a child."

"I could just kill my brother sometimes," the young pilot sighed and leaned back in her chair staring at the ceiling in distress.

"Oh please don't." The dark woman smiled. "He's a mighty fine doc, and can be real entertaining when he gets an idea in his head that runs contrary to Mal's. 'Sides it would break Kaylee's heart if anything happened to him now."

"Well in that case," River rolled her eyes. "I'd never do anything that would hurt Kaylee. She was my first friend."

"It's all right, ya know. Wash would have loved to hear that story. Not just because he would have seen the irony in it, but he'd have wanted to play the game too." Zoë pointed toward the dinosaurs. She relaxed into the co-pilot's chair and watched the stars her husband had loved. "He always regretted that he wasn't in the War."

"That's because of the closeness it had caused between you and the Captain." The girl knew there was a bit more to it than that, but it was one of those private things she'd picked up before she'd learned to control where her mind went. She refused to bring the thought out and examine it.

"No he never…well not since Niska, anyway. That little adventure cured him right quick," Zoë admitted honestly. "But it was more than that. Wash came from Cassandra. It was one of the first places settled when Earth-That-Was was left behind. But by the time my man grew up, it was so polluted, he said, that most nights he couldn't see the sky. He wanted off that rock in the worst way. While Mal and I were fighting in the War, Wash was getting an education and training to be a pilot. It was his ticket out of there. If he knew about your game, he could have had his War." Zoë gripped her hands together and took ragged breaths. What she was saying, she'd never told another living soul "See if he'd really fought, it would have killed him, maybe not his body, but his soul." She closed her eyes as they filled with tears and whispered, "Part of what I loved about him was his lightness of spirit."

"Like a leaf on the wind,' River murmured, unsure where she'd gotten the thought, but she knew it fit Wash.

"He sure was." Zoë wiped at her eyes with fingers that shook at the memory of her husband's last words. "Damnit girl, I always end up crying when we talk."

"When there are deep wounds that need to heal, sometimes tears are the only things that help with the pain." River put her dish and empty mug aside unsure if she should go to the older woman or not.

"I guess that's something you have an understanding of too." Zoë nodded and pulled an ugly red handkerchief out of her pocket, to blow her nose. When she looked at the young pilot she was back in control. "Now I got one more thing to say and you need to listen to it good. Those men mean well, but you're right. They're real good at cooking up drama where there isn't any. But they only do it 'cause they care about you. I'm a little unsure why Jayne wasn't yelling like his usual _hundan _self, but Mal and that brother of yours were making enough noise for all four of you." The First Mate was doing a little fishing for information along with the advice she was giving. It had made a mighty interesting picture to see the big Mercenary holding tight to the tiny woman. It was even more interesting that neither the Doc nor Mal had said a word about it.

"Jayne understands me," the girl shrugged. "We are both killers. He's always seen me for what I am. Simon and the Captain have known it since…Miranda," River whispered the name of the planet that haunted her dreams. "The knowledge is in their heads, but they don't want to believe it in their hearts. They understand, but do not comprehend."

Zoë nodded and reached for the empty dishes to take them to the galley. She made it as far as the hatch when she turned and looked at the serious young woman's back. "You know Wash and I loved each other something fierce."

River swung her chair around nodding, unsure where this was leading.

"Well he was bit younger than I am, and not just the year or so we admitted to. When I first met him he was wearing a terrible mustache 'cause he thought it made him look older and dashing, but he just looked kinda foolish." She smiled lovingly at the memory. "Once we took to the Black, he shaved that thing off, and brought out the dinosaurs. It confused me no end. I was older than he was, and he had a sense of humor that could drive me batty, but what he did to my heart?" A look of pain and joy crossed her face as she slowly shook her head. "I knew almost from the beginning that he was the man for me, but I knew it here first." She thumped her chest. "It took a mite longer for my brain to catch on. I guess you'd say I comprehended, but I didn't understand. I wasted a lot of time 'cause of that."

"I…" The young pilot could feel the many layers of love, understanding, loss and something that she couldn't place radiating from the older woman. "I am unsure…"

"I know you are." Zoë smiled gently. "Out here in the Black it can get lonely and if you're lucky enough to find someone who…" her words broke as she felt Wash very close to her. "Well I'm just sayin' that age difference is just a pile of _go se_ and that you should remember that…well…if you ever need to." She turned and quickly left the bridge, unsure what was happening to her. She had been positive her heart had died when her husband had. She was the last person who should give advice on lovin' to an eighteen year old girl.

'_But someone has to, Lambie-toes,' _a loving male voice filled her mind.

………………………………..

Kaylee and Simon were noisily doing the dishes. Mal looked around the table and discovered he was still doing that gorramn head count he'd been doin' since comin' outta that ruttin' Alliance hospital. This time he was doing it at the table.

River's chair to his right was sitting empty, 'cause she was in the cockpit. Jayne always sat on the far side of the girl. That was something new, but it did lead to some entertainment at mealtimes. The Merc was in the cargo bay settin' up things for their war games.

Zoë had taken to sittin' at the foot of the table opposite her captain, something else that was new. He figured it was her way of puttin' some distance between herself and the others, without actually leaving an empty chair at her side. She had brought River's breakfast dishes back moments ago and gone to help their hired muscle.

Kaylee sat to Zoë's right, with Simon next to her. That wasn't all that new. The Mechanic had been sittin' close to the Doc every chance she got, since the man had come aboard. Though lately those two had been a source of entertainment at meals, as well, though not the kind the Captain wanted to watch.

But what took Mal's breath away was that Inara always, always sat to his left. It seemed like almost the moment since he'd woken up in that hospital she'd been just an arm's reach away. It was mighty unsettling and something he wasn't ready to look at too closely especially in light of the little conversation he'd overheard their last night on Persephone. True to form she was sittin' there now with a cup of tea in one hand and a pencil in the other, going over a list of some kind.

"'Nara," he spoke quietly so as not to get the attention of the couple who were getting as much water and soap on each other as they was the dishes. "Were you serious 'bout helpin' us out on that next job? 'Cause if you are, I'd really like to take you up on your offer. I'm worried some 'bout how the exchange might go down. Havin' River there as a reader and a gun hand, could make a difference."

"I would have put a halt to the discussion last night if I weren't." She slipped out of her chair and moved toward the storage closet on the far side of the room.

"I'm not real comfortable with it." He shook his head in doubt. "'Cause if we were caught, it wouldn't be quite like River had tried to make it sound, like as not you'd be arrested too."

"I was already aware of that." She stood silhouetted in the doorway, staring back at him. "I've always known it was a chance I was taking. The agent who came after the Tams when they first boarded said as much. I believe he told you we were all culpable. If I hadn't realized it then, it would have been made very clear to me when the Alliance took us into custody while you were attempting a salvage job on that ship that had been attacked by Reavers." She watched as he stood, crossed his arms and closed the distance between them.

"Well it's a mite harder to convince an Alliance officer of your innocence when you're sittin' in the pilot's seat, than if you're up in your shuttle lookin' all Companiony." He was so close he could feel her breath on the back of his hand. "I still got your rental agreement locked up tight in my safe. It'd prove you're a free agent and not part of the crew."

"You do?" She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. How could he believe that she hadn't been, and wasn't now, part of the crew, no matter what it had said on paper? Or that she wouldn't do everything in her power to help him. She'd followed him into battle on Mr. Universe's moon believing she'd die. Didn't that mean anything? "I knew exactly what type of ship this was when I answered your advertisement for a shuttle lodger." Her eyes were caught in the deep blue of his and she remembered that moment like it was happening all over again. "Our interaction that day only served to underscore all the dangers involved. I knew where it…" she licked her lips and fought for the words she needed, afraid she was going to cry if this went much further. "I just knew."

"Oh ya did, did ya?" He grinned and rocked toward her, sure she wasn't talking about the physical danger, but a more personal one.

He was standing too close and she needed breathing room. "Ahh…yes I did." She turned away from him not caring what he was thinking. He'd seen too much and she needed to change the subject. "I believe in an emergency I could even break atmo. I've done so in the shuttle and if you recall I've flown it in open space." She turned and flipped on the light in the storage closet. He was blocking an escape to the galley, so she retreated into the small room. "I'd be happy to help," her voice sounded muffled.

"What the hell you doin' in there?" the Captain sighed in frustration. Every gorramn time a conversation edged on the personal, she skittered away.

"I'm just checking these." She moved carefully so the slim heels of her delicate slippers didn't get caught in the grated floor. It had happened more than once when she hadn't been watchful and each time the jarring to her broken ribs had brought her to her knees. This was not a time she could let that happen.

Mal came up behind her and looked around. He put his hands on her shoulders as if it were a natural thing to do. "What are they?" He gazed at small bunches of greenery that had been tied together and were hang upside-down from the ceiling a foot above his head. "Is that what's makin' my boat smell kinda sweet?" He sniffed, but this time all he could smell was 'Nara.

"Those are spices I've collected from the stalls in the marketplace on Persephone. There're up there to dry. It was Kaylee's idea. Her mother used to do it to preserve them so they had them all year round." She could feel the warmth of his hands through her gown and his breath against the back of her neck. She wasn't sure which surprise her more, the fact that he'd followed her when she'd given them an out, or that he was touching her and she could still breathe.

"Well, how the gorramn hell did you get them up there?" He knew he should say more, make some comment on how much he appreciated that she'd taken over the cookin' while they were all recuperating and gettin' the ship back in order. But he was afraid to call attention to it. Afraid she'd stop. Afraid she'd look at him as she had in the past, with that cool smile that drove him crazy, and tell him that as soon as the job on Calderon's third moon was over, it was time for her to be movin' back to her civilized world.

"River, she's an amazing climber," her voice was huskier than she meant it to be so she cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she turned and tried to edge around him, but her sudden movement caused her heel to slip. She reached out for him with her right hand as her left one pressed against her aching side.

"Steady there." Mal took the excuse offered him and pulled her close, all the time telling himself he was just holding her to keep her from falling.

"Ohhh," she gasped and her body jumped slightly as his hand moved against hers and she pressed harder against her ribs than she'd meant to.

"What's a' matter," he looked into her eyes, but wouldn't let her go, she felt too good.

"Nothing, nothing," she forced a smile on her face as she tried to catch her breath. "I merely caught my heel in the grating. I need to be more careful."

"It didn't look like it was nothing." He frowned down at her, ignoring her flimsy attempt to side track him. "Sure you didn't twist your ankle?"

"Positive," it took all her control to sound normal, so she dipped her head unsure of what he might see on her face. "See." She let him support her weight, as she slipped her right foot out of her shoe and rotated it at the ankle, and then did the same with the left. "Both ankles are in perfect working order," she spoke to the button on his shirt that she'd focused on so she wouldn't feel the pain throbbing in her rib carriage.

"You just leave them shoes off when you're walking on the grating in here. Don't want you to break your neck." He was stunned when she didn't argue with him, just stepped out of her slippers while he was still holding her. "Never realized what a bitty thing you are." He smiled at how well she fit against him.

"Mal…I…" She made the error of looking directly into his tender blue eyes. It made hers swim with tears. She'd wanted to tell him how and where she'd been hurt, but she was too embarrassed. It was something she should have done weeks ago but when he looked at her like that she didn't know how.

"'Nara," he whispered while he pulled her against him. He was surprise when she put her right arm around his waist and returned the embrace, but he could hardly believe it when she leaned her forehead against his chest and he felt her tears dampen his shirt. "It's gonna be all right." He ran his hands over her back while keeping her in his arms. That was when he felt it, the binding under her dress.

His lids sank closed and he rested his cheek on her curly dark hair. She'd been injured something during that terrible fight. If his guess was correct, it was broken ribs. Something tore lose inside of him. "When?" he demanded and he cupped her face making her meet his eyes. "When!" his voice was deep and gravelly needing to know what had happened.

"At the Training House," she whispered, unable to stop the words from spilling out.

"That bastard," the word hissed out in anger, made harsher and more intense because he spoke in English instead of Chinese. "Was that how he forced you to send the wave our way?"

She shook her head as her eyes over-flowed. "He made some threats, but I thought I was safe, I thought you were safe. I made it clear it was a trap. Besides, I never imagined you'd actually come for me."

"Not come?" He ran his thumbs over her damp cheeks as his fingers dug deep into the curls at the back of her head.

"You didn't want me here. You said so yourself once you'd brought me back. You said you wished I had never come back." She was confused and hurt and things were happening much too fast.

Mal shook his head slightly at the memory of his angry words that day. "I didn't…" He couldn't tell her that when he'd fought with her, his world had been slipping out from beneath him and she was the one person he'd ever show those feelings to. But he wasn't a soft man, the kind that could just say things and ask for help, so he'd lost his temper.

"Mal please let me go." She was out of control and was terrified of what she might say or do with his body pressed against hers.

"No, not this time." He slowly shook his head, knowing that he'd fight with his last breath to keep her on his ship and as close to him as he could get her. "You still didn't tell me how you got broken ribs at a Companion Training House. I'm correct, they are broken?"

"Yes…three, according to Simon," she bit her lower lip and let it slide between her teeth. "It happened during our fight with the Operative." She did her best to look strong and determined, but the look of pain that crossed Mal's face told her she hadn't succeeded.

"Our fight…you shouldn't have been…" He remembered it then, seeing her curled on the floor, her hair disheveled and her hand pressed tight to her side in pain. With a groan he wrapped his arms around her neck and lowered his cheek until it was pressed against her. "I'm sorry 'Nara, I'm sorry. I just wanted to keep you safe and you ended up getting hurt. Then I dragged you into a battle that…I'm sorry."

"Mal," she whispered his name and gripped the front of his shirt. "After all this time do you really think you could drag me into something I had no wish to be a part of. It was my choice to try and help you fight that man who had invaded my living space. And it was my choice to accompany you back to _Serenity_. I understood, probably better than you, the things the Alliance and that man were capable of doing." Her eyes turned dark as she remembered life on Sihnon and the reason she left.

"'Nara," he'd seen the way her eyes had drifted to something in her past and he wanted to ask about it, but there was something more important he needed to know. "Why didn't you tell me about the ribs sooner?"

"Do you have any idea how badly you were injured?" Her hand drifted to his side where he'd received the wound that had almost killed him. "Then when you were up and around I didn't think you needed to hear anymore bad news about...You care so deeply about your crew and had just lost two of them."

"But you're not crew." Didn't she know how much she meant to him? She was so much more than just another member of his crew. His words rang with the pain he felt at the thought of losing her again, but for once Inara missed the intonations and only heard the words.

"I believe you're correct, Captain. After all I'm just a wh…." Inara couldn't say the word. She felt her eyes filling with tears again and she refused to allow him to see how much he had hurt her. Pulled out of his arms, she wrapped herself in all the dignity she had left and walking out of the storage area.

"Wait, 'Nara…_Qu tamade!_" He pounded his hand against the bulkhead at his ineptitude as he watched her walk away from him into the back of the ship. "Wait you forgot your shoes." He grabbed them from the floor and headed across the galley to follow her.

"I wouldn't if I was you." Kaylee smiled up at him from the table. "You give them slippers ta her and she's just gonna fling 'em at your head, Cap'n." She took the delicate shoes from his unmoving hands. "I'll see she gets 'em."

"You were listening?" His brow rose in disapproval.

"Couldn't help it, you two was right there and voices carry on this ship." The Mechanic shrugged. "Ya can hear a whole passel a things if'n you bother to listen. You was doing right good up 'til the end there." She gave him a mischievous grin. "Thought ya might even git a kiss or two outta it." To ease her words, she stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek as she often did. "Give 'er some time to cool off and let your words sink in. She's a mite skittish. Her world got shifted 'round same as ours, lots goin' on in her head she doesn't understand. She ain't used ta that. 'Sides when you two talk, neither 'a ya listen real well."

"Honey, you're seeing things that aren't there. Weren't no way we were gonna be kissing." But he knew he was wrong, they'd been a step away from it. "'Sides 'Nara's a Companion, they don't get skittish 'bout nothing." He'd heard of the word deja-vu, but had never felt it before that moment. He looked automatically toward the chair where River had been leaning against Jayne as they'd talked and her words were as clear as Kaylee's were now. '_He broke her heart. To have stayed would have destroyed her. Now he's brought her back and she can't leave, but he hasn't asked her to stay.'_

"Cap'n…" She patted him on the arm and smiled. "You need to start listen' to them voices I was tellin' ya 'bout, 'specially round here at night. _Serenity_ can be a mighty educatin' place at night. How 'bout I tell 'Nara that you'll give her a lesson at the controls when you take over for River after lunch?"

"You trying to do some matchmakin' Little Kaylee." He tried to frown at her, but she always made him smile.

"No, Sir, just want a be sure my girl gets the best she can." She nodded happily and let the older man wonder if she was talkin' 'bout 'Nara or _Serenity_. "From what ya said this mornin' I figured that since River'd be with Jayne gettin' fitted for weapons, it would be good time, 'sall."

………………………………….

Mid-afternoon Inara made her way to the bridge, as requested by the Captain. Her cool dignity was firmly in place though it was a battle because the infuriating man kept leaning close over her shoulder as they discussed take-off procedure. She'd let her guard down with Mal once that day and she didn't plan on it happening again.

………………………………….

"Jayne," River knocked on the entrance to his bunk.

"Come on down, Girlie." He was sittin on his bed, working on one of his guns and looked up as she came down the ladder. "Best to leave the hatch open. I don't want that brother 'a yours getting' bent outta shape, we just worked things out 'tween us."

"Simon is in the engine room with Kaylee, again." She rolled her eyes at the thought.

"Well hot damn, the boys got more under the hood than I gave 'em credit for!"

"Please!" she gasped. "Maybe he only wants to become more proficient as a mechanic." It was hard but she kept the giggle out of her voice.

"Yeah right, and the next time someone gets shot, I'll be the one gettin' the slug outta 'em." He wiggled his brows at her.

"Let us hope not." She laughed at the thought, before turning serious. "I am here because the Captain said that you would have the necessary armaments for me." Then she saw them hanging on the wall in all their glory and they took her breath away. "Oh my…." She knelt beside the big man on his bed and ran her hand lightly over his display of weapons.

"You've seen 'em before." He turned to snap at her, to tell her she could only touch the guns he was gonna loan her, but suddenly everything stopped. He was fascinated by the way her small hand moved over the cool metal of his collection.

"But never like this. Now I know why you give them girl's names. They are your lovers sleeping beside you and keeping you company." One of her hands had dropped to his shoulder and she was filled with a strong image of his large body curled up in his bunk, with his back pressed against his girls. "But they lack the warmth of a real girl," she whispered.

"Hey, Girlie," Jayne ran his hand up her arm frowning. "You goin' all creepafying on me again? It's like ya wasn't there all of a sudden."

"I…" she shook her head, but couldn't get rid of what she'd seen and she knew that she'd accidentally looked into his mind. "No…I'm right here."

"Ya sure, ya had me a mite worried this mornin'." He touched the tips of his fingers to her chin so he could look deeply into her eyes. "Had a feelin' you was goin' for my balls again."

"And you were still willing to keep me from falling?" She blinked quickly to keep under control.

"I gave ya the benefit a the doubt. Hey there, don't go gettin' all teary-eyed on me again."

"The control was thin, but it was there. I appreciate your help.

"That's what partners are for." He nodded and got back to work. "Mal and I figured since your fightin' is all that martial arts type stuff, it would be a good idea if ya practiced dressed like it's the real thing. Ya know, so you can move easily if ya gotta. I'm gonna weight ya down some. Best take that jacket off so I can fit ya for this here bandolier."

She hopped off his bed as she slipped out of her jacket and hung it next to his on the hook across the room. She laughed softly at the sight it made.

"What's so funny?" He looked up and nodded when she pointed to their coats hanging side by side. "Yup, I guess that 'bout describes us. Me, big hard scrabble leather, that's old and a mite tired. Then there's you, kinda soft and delicate lookin' but I felt the material that thing's made of this mornin'. It's rougher and tougher than it looks. Gonna stand up good in a fight, while lookin' all kinds a shiny."

"You think I look shiny," she grinned and couldn't keep the happiness out of her voice.

"I was talkin' 'bout the jacket, Girlie. Come'ere." He reached for her and pulled her between his spread thighs to fit her with the bandolier, all the while muttering, "First ya think I said ya had pretty eyes, now you're trying to get me to say you're shiny. Don't no one ever pay compliment ta ya?"

"Only Simon." She reached for his shoulders after he put the heavy leather belt filled with cartridges over her head and settled it between her breasts.

"Hump," he grouched to hide what he was really feelin'. It took all his concentration to keep his fingers from shaking. When he'd had Girlie take off her jacket he hadn't realized the top of her dress only had skimpy straps and that the material outlined her curves. "I'm gonna have ta shorten this here thing." He hoped the words he was sayin' made sense 'cause workin' this close to her was drivin' him loco. "How's this feel?" He'd gripped the bottom of the leather strap, shortening it by a good six inches.

"It will work nicely." River shifted her torso back and forth to be sure it didn't slip off and to test for ease of movement.

"Gorramnit Girlie stop that!" he growled deep and low.

"I…" she was surrounded by strong feelings that she battled to keep out, but she needn't have bothered, the look on Jayne's face told her everything. "I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"I know you didn't, but…well…"

"You can tell me anything," she whispered and reached for his face. His skin felt smooth and warm against her fingers and his whispers tickled her palms. "We've both traveled the same 'verse."

"No we haven't honey." He wrapped his large hands around her slim wrists and gently pulled them away from him. She was too damn temptin'. "There's a 'verse or two that you ain't visited yet. Now we got work ta do." He kept his eyes on his hands as he finished marking the leather so he'd know where to cut it. He didn't see the tears that filled her soft brown eyes or know that she had to work hard to blink them away.


	7. Like Puzzle Pieces

99

**Rating: **Pg-13

**Disclaimer: **They all belong to Joss

**Pairing: **River and Jayne, a sprinkling of M/I and S/K.

**Beta: **My Magic Beta Lady Ceslas

**_Voices and Visions_**

By

_Lattelady_

**_Ch 7 – Like Puzzle Pieces_**

Jayne was mighty relieved when he heard his hatch thump closed. He sighed and slumped down onto his bed, enjoying the comfortable feel of his girls pressed against his back. What the gorramn hell was he gonna do? More and more lately River was makin' him feel things he shouldn't be feelin' 'bout a girl like her. She was young, smart, and Core bred, a real blueblood. He was older, with 'bout as much book-learnin as his ma could pound inta his head, typical Rim-rat. But he'd taken it a mite further than that. He'd done 'bout anything he could do for a credit in his time. Yup, not the sorta guy ta take up with a gal like her.

He glared at the hook where his old leather jacket was hangin' and could remember how good it had made him feel to see her tiny green one beside it. "T'ain't right," he muttered as he leaned forward to reach for the awl and leather cutter that was sittin' on his small shelf at the foot of his bed.

He weren't worried 'bout Simon's reaction if he found out 'bout the way Girlie made him feel nor 'bout Mal's. He could deal with those two, if…well…if things were different. What made him want ta puke was the way he knew River would pull back and look all shocked and hurt, if'n she knew 'bout the ragin' desire he felt every time he thought 'bout her.

He'd spent most 'a last night holdin' Girlie in the lounge, as she'd slept. He'd done some mighty hard thinkin' durin' those hours. It had come to him right 'bout dawn that no matter how much they teased each other 'bout bein' like Mal and Zoë, they weren't never gonna be like those two. 'Cause he knew that Mal didn't shake with need 'bout the First-Mate, the way the Merc did 'bout River-Girl.

Restin' against his girls again he let his eyes flutter closed, and for one moment he imagined what it'd be like to give in to those needs; to look down and see all that gorramn pretty hair 'a hers fanned out onta his pillow so's he could run his hand though it anytime he had the urge. What it would be like to feel her soft pale skin as he moved over her and to know the tension in her strong slim muscles as he nibbled and explored every inch. Then finally spread her thighs so's he could slip into her as they both cried out…..That was where he froze and his stomach felt as if he was fallin' though atmo without a ship. He'd bet his last credit she was innocent and he hadn't been innocent since he was fourteen.

"No!" he growled, as his temper took control. Jayne realized he'd dropped his tools and his hands had been going where they shouldn't 'a been. He had to stop this, couldn't let his mind go thinkin' like that. Girlie weren't no whore and he couldn't go treatin' her like one or thinkin' 'bout her like one. She needed someone who loved her like Mal did 'Nara, even if they was too stupid to get ta the sexin', and someone who'd take care 'a her the way that brother 'a hers was watchin' over Kaylee.

The Merc would be the first to admit he didn't know the first thing 'bout love. He wouldn't recognize it if'n it bit him in the butt and he didn't take care 'a no one 'sides himself! But if'n things were different and he was like Mal or Simon, he'd take the chance of screwin' with her vision 'a the future. Maybe it'd mean he'd catch a bullet afore he was old and gray, if he didn't take some whore into his life, like Girlie'd seen. But his body was tellin' him t'weren't no whore he was 'a wantin.

His eyes drifted to the picture he'd hung above his dresser. It was the one River had given to him that last night on Persephone. She'd drawn him with a smile on his face as he'd cleaned his guns. He reached for his small shaving mirror and took a good look at the face staring back at him. The features in both were the same, eyes with slight crinkles at the edges, plane of his forehead and cheeks; the right stylish goatee surrounding his mouth and coverin' his chin. It was how she put 'em together that made him look younger, gentler, almost as if he could be a carin' type person, like Mal or Simon. But she'd still drawn him surrounded by his tools 'a death. It were like she'd said once, he looked better in red.

"_Shit, this is just a pile of go se. Girlie don't see me as nothing but a killer. If she knew 'bout the way I lusted after her, like as not she'd slip in here one night and finish the job she started that day afore Ariel_."

He looked at the ceiling above him and the pictures of the blonde buxom women he'd preferred in the past and sighed as he reached for his zipper, "Might as well get this over with, can't leave my bunk in this condition."

……………………………….

No matter how quietly River tried to close Jayne's hatch, it still thumped noisily. She was feeling strange and she couldn't place it. Something had happened in there that left her feeling chilled from the inside out. She tilted her head slightly, trying to figure out what it was, but all she could remember was the Merc sitting on his bunk with her standing between his thighs, and her hands braced on his shoulders.

Taking a deep breath she stood very straight and tried to convince herself that it had nothing to do with coming face to face with the pictures he had hanging over his bed. It was obvious even to her, what he used them for. Nor did it have anything to do with his cryptic words about 'verses that he'd traveled that she had not. They were both killers, equally cold-blooded when they needed to be. He may have chosen that life, when someone else made the choice for her, but in the end they were the same.

"Hey, Little Albatross, you get outfitted?" The Captain called from the bridge.

"Not yet," she jumped at being caught woolgathering in the crew section. "Jayne needs to make adjustments to some of the equipment. We won't have it for today, but he says it should be completed by tomorrow." She joined the older man and watched the stars in the distance. It soothed her and calmed the odd feelings that were closing in around her. "How was it with Inara?" she whispered unsure what she was really asking.

"Hmmm….oh the lesson…it's kinda tough to practice operatin' a ship in atmo, when we're still in the Black." His hands moved through the sequence to put _Serenity_ on autopilot. "I seem to recall you havin' the same complaints when learnin' 'bout pilotin' while we were dirt-side stuck at Eavesdown repair yard."

A tiny smile ghosted River's lips, but she didn't feel much like laughing, as she battled the lump that was growing in her throat. Strange emotions were tingling down her spine and she didn't know where they were coming from. It was almost like Jayne was touching her, but he wasn't in the room.

"Little Witch," Mal stood and spoke hesitantly. His hands stuffed in his pockets. "Your brother told me 'bout what you said when you where taken by those folks and almost burned at the stake. He said that you thought of _Serenity_ as home and me as…your…ah…pa?"

"That is correct." River lost her battle with the tears that had begun in the Merc's bunk and she covered her eyes with her hand. "There are times I doubt Simon's loyalty," her words came out in a rush, high pitched and not like her at all. It was embarrassing that everyone on the ship knew her feelings, but she kept theirs secret.

"Hey, hey, Little One, none 'a that now." He patted her shoulders and looked around in distress for someone to lend a hand. What was happening to his boat? All of the sudden the women were gettin' all teary-eyed. Thank God Zoë was keepin' it together, though she was the one who had the most right to get a bit soggy 'round the edges. He didn't give Kaylee a second thought 'cause she lived by her emotions. He'd seen her eyes get all swimmy over something as stupid as a tree.

"I am sorry, Captain," the young woman sniffed trying to get her tears under control. She was making an effort to do better about crying at the least little thing! Strong feelings were coming from somewhere and Mal was only making things harder. "I can understand why you would not want to claim a slightly…ah…odd…ex-crazy person as your…ah…prodigy, even if it were only an…honorary…ah…title. Gab…Gabriel…Tam was often…uncomfortable with the thought, even though I…ah posses some…some…of…his…ah…DNA…and…ah…I…never pointed a…a…gun…at ah….him," her voice hitched with almost every word but she lost her battle and began to cry openly. Mortified she wheeled around and tried to run from the bridge.

"Whoo there, honey, not so fast." Mal moved quickly, never giving his safety a second thought. The tiny person he reached for could bring his hulking Merc down in no time flat and he was deliberately stepping into her path of retreat. "I'm real sorry to hear your pa was such a _chusheng xai-jiao de xiang huo_." He pushed a stray strand of hair off her face and frowned at the stupidity of the _hundan_ who should have been proud of her.

River shook her head and looked up at the man she had so much respect for. No matter how hard she clenched her teeth, she knew her chin wobbled and she was acting very strangely, even for her. "Jayne calls him worse," she whispered in an attempt to gain control of her overwrought emotions. But as she said the Merc's name she was stabbed with something so intense it made her dizzy.

"Good for Jayne." It was all Mal could stand. For the second time that day he pulled a woman close and let her cry on his shirt. But this time he didn't know what to do with his hands. He finally ended up pattin' her on the shoulders and wishin' like hell he knew how to make her feel better. It wasn't like it had been with 'Nara, where all he'd wanted to do was touch her, hold her and caress her. That had been easy. How the gorramn hell did you hold a woman who ya didn't feel desire for? It just didn't seem right.

"I'm sorry, Captain," her words were muffled against his chest as she gripped his shirt and pressed it against her face. Whatever the strange feelings she was picking up were suddenly gone and she was able to concentrate on what was happening on the bridge.

"Nothin' to be sorry 'bout." His arms moved tentatively around her and he made odd soothing noises tryin' to imitate the Doc, but it embarrassed him somethin' fierce. He felt mighty proud that this little girl looked to him as a father figure, but it made no sense at all. "You just go on gettin' all those tears out, but you listen to me while you're doing it." He almost smiled as he felt her shake her head yes. "I'm right honored that you'd think 'a me that way, but after the way I treated you and Simon, tossin' you off the ship and all, I…well…it don't seem right."

"You were lost," he could hear her mutter against him.

"Well I been lost for a good long time or there's some folk who say so anyway." 'Nara had always said he was lost in the woods and that he enjoyed it.

"But this time was different," River sniffled. "She carried the light for your dark places in her soul. When you turned to another, it shattered her brightness and cracked her beliefs. She couldn't go on like that, so she fled."

"Hey there, don't go all creepafying-reader-like on me. If you got something to say, just say it."

"I believe you already know." She looked up at him. "The answers are inside of you."

"Yeah, well that don't mean 'Nara's got the same answers," he whispered and looked over River's head out into the Black.

"You are many things, but no fool and neither is she." River pulled out of his awkward embrace. His feelings were so strong she wasn't sure she could block them much longer, especially after those strange unnamed ones that had swirled around her moments earlier.

"Well it was gorramn foolish the way I treated the Doc in the weeks before the Lilac job. I picked on him something fierce." Mal was glad to be back on sturdier ground. Discussin' his feelings wasn't something he was comfortable doing.

"Maybe, but it was most understandable, because despite the months we had spent on _Serenity_, Simon still retained much of his Core breeding. He was representative of a society whose actions and values were responsible for taking away all that you held most dear."

"Not quite all," he sighed. "I still had this ship."

"Yes, but for how much longer? Because of us you were faced with the very real possibility of losing her too."

"Can we move on from dissectin' my feelings?" He tried to look stern, but wasn't sure he was able to pull it off. He conjured the girl knew the truth of things and it was a mite disconcertin'. "It just isn't captainy."

"One more thing, please and it isn't really about you." She waited until he nodded in approval. "If you hadn't made us leave at Beaumonde, I would have disappeared on my own." She bit her lip admitting for the first time what she had planned. "After the Reaver attack at Lilac I could feel a great wave of danger coming our way."

"That's what you were doing in The Maidenhead. I'd thought you'd plucked the name of the place outta one of our minds and had come there to try to appeal to my better nature, to take you back." He shook his head at how fate worked. Trouble had been coming his way and no matter how hard they'd all tried to avoid it, they'd been caught up in it anyway.

"No, I was unaware of your presence in the establishment. I had managed to separate myself from Simon." She looked at the Captain in sorrow but refused to cry again. "I never thought he would look for me in that kind of place and even if he had, I could have remained undetected under normal circumstances. Please don't tell him. It would hurt him to know the truth."

"Ya know, Little One, I'm thinkin' your brother's got a few more street smarts than either of us have been givin' him credit for. You didn't see him when he walked into that bar. The man was calm and knew just what ta do. Though it might be nice if you gave him a break and stopped gettin' him wound so tight he can't think straight."

"That is Kaylee's job now," River laughed.

"I don't want ta hear none of that talk from you." He shook his finger at her, as his mother had done to him, when she wanted to impress a point. "I'm sayin' that not just as your captain, but as your…ah…"

"It is all right. You do not have to say the words to me. _I_ can feel them. Just knowing that those feelings are there is enough." Her brown eyes looked warm and serious into his blue ones. "But she needs to be told. Her fears won't let her believe what she knows to be true." River knew he was a man who had problems stating what he felt, unless it was anger. It could cost him much if he wasn't careful.

"Yeah, honey," he whispered and gave her a quick hug. "The feelin's are there for both 'a you, hell for all 'a you."

"Hey, what ya doing, Mal, tryin' to sweet talk my partner into shootin' me in the back if'n it looks like you're loosin' the little game we got planned?" Jayne walked onto the bridge with a scowl on his face. He'd just caught Girlie huggin' the Captain. He was damn tempted to punch the man. The only thing that stopped him was the fear that made him weak in the knees when he'd overheard why she'd been in the Maidenhead. He figured if'n she tried to run once, she might try it again. T'weren't no way he was gonna let that happen.

"Zoë and I'll beat the two 'a you real easy. No need for me to be tryin' to get Little Albatross to turn on ya." He nodded to the girl beside him and grinned. "But no doin' your reader thing and gettin' in our minds to see our strategy, ya hear."

"Understood, Captain, I would not knowingly invade your privacy." Then she turned toward Jayne, hurt that he thought she lacked loyalty. "You, you…." she clamped her mouth closed as all the lovely descriptive curse words flashed through her mind. "I do believe you need to look up the definition of 'partner' in the dictionary section of Simon's encyclopedia. I would be most happy to help you with the task, if you are incapable of doing so yourself!" Her eyes spit fire as she moved quickly past him. They'd worked so well together for almost two months, but it obviously meant nothing to him.

"Not so fast, Girlie." He held out a leather strap he'd been workin' on. He didn't dare get into that argument with her until he figured out what he was gonna do about the idea that she might run away. "I got this here shoulder holster, for ya. I added a few extra notches inta the cinch so it aught 'a fit ya and the boot is small enough ta keep that water pistol from fallin' ta the deck if'n it ain't in your hand."

"Thank you," the words came out quick and angry as she grabbed his offering and headed to the passenger dorm to change.

"She's mighty unhappy with you about somethin'." Mal lounged in the pilot's seat with his hands laced behind his head.

"T'wouldn't be the first time and I got a feelin' it ain't gonna be the last." Jayne settled into the co-pilot's chair and looked at his captain through partially closed lids. "What did ya make her cry for?"

"Me…I didn't…I know I'm gonna regret this." He groaned in frustration and explained what Simon had told him that mornin' and what the River had said as well. It was 'bout the strangest conversation he'd ever had with the Mercenary and hoped he'd never have one like it again.

"Still don't' see why she'd cry." The big man fingered an unlit cigar, mindful of Mal's rule 'bout no smokin' when they was relyin' on the air filters. "Ya'd think she'd be happy 'bout it."

"Who knows what makes women go all teary-eyed." He shrugged and wished he had a better understanding of the fairer sex. Maybe it would be easier to fix things with Inara if he did. "And she's a woman," he muttered knowing his mind had strayed to the dark-haired Companion who set his blood on fire.

"Yeah," Jayne nodded to himself. "Girlie sure is." He didn't see the odd look the Captain gave him, 'cause he never took his eyes off the cigar he was rollin' back and forth between his finger and thumb. "She damn sure is," he murmured and then took a deep breath before shoving the cigar butt into the side of his mouth and looking at the bewildered man across from him. "So what ya gonna do 'bout it? If'n she gets a crazy idea to run again?"

"I surely don't know." Mal was still trying to process the strange look on his Merc's face when the big man had been thinkin' on River. "A body does strange things when it comes to protecting their home. The girl made it mighty clear she thinks on this boat that way and has for a lot longer than I realized."

"But they's family, ain't they." He scowled at his cigar as he pulled it outta his mouth. He never could figure why the damn things tasted like burnt rope when unlit, but so mellow and pure once ya put a match to 'em. "You've finally come round ta thinkin a the both 'a them as family?"

"Considering the conversation I was nice enough to tell ya 'bout, that's a damn fool question to be asking!"

"Okay, daddy, simmer down," Jayne smirked. "Just makin' sure the attitude went both ways." He felt a mite easier 'bout the hug he'd seen and was kinda pleased with the sneaky way he'd been able to find out 'bout it.

"I knew I was gonna regret tellin' you that." Mal rolled his eyes. "Considering all the times you've tried to get them off this boat, you're the last one who should be askin' that question."

"Maybe, but I figure it's like 'Nara was tellin' me last night, we ain't the same as we used ta be." The Mercenary figured he could have got lots a mileage outta what he'd found out, but it would only hurt Girlie. She needed a pa-type in her life and he'd been mighty afraid that was how she was lookin' on him. 'Sides it would be almost as much fun ta let the Captain sweat it out, always wonderin' when he was gonna be hit with a 'daddy' comment.

"Have we really changed or are we just sufferin' shell shock?" It was a mighty good observation and trust 'Nara to point it out, but it didn't help much with what was worrying him at the moment. He filed that idea away with the huge pile of things in his mind labeled _'to ask 'Nara'_ and got down to the problem of the moment. "I see it like this, Jayne, with River's abilities, if she gets it into her head to give us the slip somewhere I'm not to sure what we can do about it."

"Ya may be right. I know Girlie wouldn't deliberately hurt any of us, and it scares her somethin' fierce that she might by accident. She wouldn't use the Cortex 'till she and Kaylee put them filters on it to keep out unfamiliar code." The big man leaned his elbows on his knees and looked Mal in the eyes. "The big question is how far ya willin' to go, if'n the Alliance comes after her again or sends another one of them gorramn Operatives our way."

"Yeah…big question," he nodded as air rushed out of his lungs. "If she's frightened like ya say, it could make things tough." The younger man carefully thought before he spoke. "All warrants for the both of them were off the Cortex by the time I was well enough to check for 'em, but you're right. It doesn't mean that things might not change." He met the steady gaze of his hired muscle. "I do know that I'd like some say-so in the situation if they do. We all deserve that, just like we did about broadcasting the information we found on Miranda."

"That's what I needed to know." Jayne stood and stretched. "Let me have a go at Girlie. We was plannin' on doin' some sparrin' after we beat you and Zoë in the war games." He grinned in challenge. "I'll pin 'er wings back and set 'er straight."

"Ha, given your record goin' up against Little Albatross, more 'n likely you'll be the one getting pinned back."

"Ain't gonna happen, but I'd 'preciate it if'n you could keep Simon outta the cargo bay when we spar this evenin'"

"I'll put Kaylee on that one." Mal grinned. "By the way, don't you mean after Zoë and I beat your asses."

"That ain't gonna happen, either."

Both men's laughter could be heard throughout the ship.

…………………………………

That morning Zoë and Jayne had gathered odds and ends from all over the ship, even digging into the sunken storage area. It was where the Merc had stuck the remains of the Reaver ship that had followed so close to the mule that it had been caught in _Serenity's_ cargo bay when Wash had succeeded in his barn swallow maneuver and Simon had slammed the bay doors.

He'd looked at the First-Mate with doubt when she'd suggested using the material, but had agreed when she's given him a hard strange smile; whispering that it was only right that something that had taken so much from them should be used to give them an edge in the future.

They'd covered all the various piles with canvas until they had an odd labyrinth spread in the usually empty room.

………………………………….

Since water pistols didn't do any real damage, it was decided that they needed a referee to call shots either lethal or injury. Simon had volunteered for the job under the condition that no one was allowed to argue with his judgment. The four participants agreed because they believed his knowledge added authenticity that would be missing otherwise. Though it was his natural inclination to favor River in any confrontation, he knew that the best protection he could give her when she went on jobs was total honesty in their practice sessions.

"Is that what you're gonna be wearing, honey?" Zoë looked the girl over as she stepped into the cargo bay from the passenger dorm. She was dressed in her usual shorts and tank top like when she sparred with Jayne.

"I knew this wouldn't be proper attire for going on jobs…"

"It sure ain't," Jayne grumbled as he came down the stairs.

River didn't miss a beat she just went on talking as if she hadn't heard what had been said. She was still angry with the Merc because he'd questioned her loyalty when she'd been talking to the Captain and was trying to rise above it because they needed to work together in the coming events. "I haven't had a chance to discuss the subject with you," she smiled at the First-Mate, making it clear who she was speaking to, "Or the captain. I am unsure of the image you wish me to project."

"Good point, Little Albatross, is it all right if Zoë goes through your clothes and then she and I can talk it over this evening?"

"That would be fine, Captain."

In the first round, Zoë and Mal were playing the buyers. All four went through the motions of the exchange of goods for credits. But just before payment was to be handed over, Zoë dropped her hand to her holster. Suddenly four squirt guns were pulled and the game began in earnest.

Inara made her way over to Simon, who wasn't taking his eyes off the action below. "Are you sure Mal's well enough for this?" She frowned as the object of her worry dove and rolled, just missing a blast of water to the head.

"Of course," Simon flinched. It had been his sister who had tried to drown the Captain and the Doc was reminded clearly of her saying that she always went for the head. It made his stomach turn.

"But…"

"Not now," he didn't realize there was anger in his words, but it was hard to watch River in action.

Kaylee put her arm around the dark-haired woman who had been like a sister to her for the last two years. "Simon didn't mean ta grouch at ya." She nodded toward her man. "This ain't easy on him neither."

"I know you're correct, but…" Inara pressed the tips of her fingers against her lips to keep from crying out and took a breath to steady herself. "He almost died Kaylee, right there on the ground beside me. When he lost consciousness, I thought he was dead."

"We all almost died that day." The Mechanic looked over at Simon and remembered the words he'd said to her just before the Reavers had broken into their hiding place. But what she remembered most was bein' dizzy and faint, too weak ta move, as she'd looked on the floor, seein' blood all over his shirt. She'd been unable ta do anything ta help him but Inara had been there, tryin' ta stop the flow that was spreadin' too fast. "Ya need to remember that 'Nara, the way the Captain looked that day. Ya need to remember it when he does or says somethin' that makes ya just want ta throw somethin' at 'im. Remember how close ya came ta losin' him forever."

Inara paled. The Mechanic, hated havin' to say what she did to her friend, but it was the only way she could help her.

"Kaylee's right." Simon looked at the two women. The action had ended for the moment on the cargo bay floor. "I'm sure it is the only reason I haven't been evicted from her bunk, a time or two."

"Oh that ain't so, exactly, well maybe just that once." The girl put her arms around the man she loved and he kissed the top of her head. "Who won that round?"

"It was extremely close, but Zoë and Mal. I'm very glad they were only using water in those guns. I'm not sure even the winners would have survived long enough to spend their ill gotten gains, if it had been the real thing." He kissed Kaylee again; very glad her job on _Serenity_ had nothing to do with guns.

"Stop kissin' my Mechanic and pay attention, Doc, we're waiting on ya."

"Ahhh the joys of murder and mayhem," Simon muttered but kept his arm firmly around the woman who brought him such happiness. "Ready when you are," he called down.

Round two was quick and dirty. Jayne and River were the bad guys this time. The big Merc didn't even wait for a proper exchange. As soon as he saw the goods, he pulled his gun and began firing. Unbeknownst to the losers, River had tucked hers into the back of the Merc's belt. From her spot just behind his shoulder, she had it in her hand before he'd pulled his. Mal and Zoë didn't stand a chance and the other two walked away without getting wet.

Round three took the longest. Both groups had a better idea of what to expect and everyone was being cautious. When water fire began, all four dove behind cover.

River and Jayne had a plan. He was going to move around to the side to get a better shot, while Girlie was to cover him. All was going well, until Mal charged the girl's position. She shot him, but her gun miss-fired, the water lost power and just grazed his shoulder. She pulled her trigger again but nothing happened.

"Looks like you're outta 'a ammo, Little Witch." the Captain grinned and jumped behind the nearest cover while firing at her. She'd rolled away as soon as she realized what was happening, but she wasn't quick enough. Mal's shot caught her left arm and in an effort to get clear of his second shot, Zoë had spotted her. The First-Mate was moving fast to get the girl into her line of fire.

The Merc had seen what was about to happen and it made his gut twist. _'T'weren't no_ _way that Girlie was goin' down,'_ the thought rumbled through his brain as he shifted positions and growled. He killed the Captain with a spray of water across his back. When he'd been shootin' so had Zoë, but not at River. Girlie was unarmed, so the older woman swung around and took aim at the deadliest of the pair first. She got Jayne in the chest.

Without a word bein' exchanged between them, the falling Mercenary tossed his gun to the Little Killer Woman. She reached up, and snagged it from the air. Acting on instinct she wheeled around, brought the gun into position and shot Zoë in the head with a spray of water, before the older woman could bring her weapon to bear on her new target.

River stood crouched, pistol at ready as her eyes swept the cargo bay for danger. On the inside she was shaking but training prevented her from letting it show.

The second Simon called the game results, Jayne jumped up from the deck. "Way ta go, Girlie," he called out with glee until he saw her tense stance. He stepped in front of her and gently removed the gun from her hand. Their eyes met and he nodded at her in reassurance. "We did it."

"Yes, we did," she whispered and slowly relaxed as she came back to the moment.

"Hooray, Girlie," Jayne shouted with a grin and placed one large hand on either side of her waist. As she smiled back with a nodded, he lifted her and she gracefully leapt. It was a movement that many couldn't have done with practice, but they did it for the first time, with no verbal communication. The next thing the startled onlookers knew, she was sitting on his right shoulder, with his right hand placed across her thighs. Her left arm lay gently around his neck and the fingers of their free hands were laced tightly, with palms pressed together so she could lean slightly forward. They laughed as he twirled them around. But neither took their eyes off the other as they spun. Their earlier problems put aside for later in their moment of triumph.

"I was a mite worried. That little toy gun is so light I could 'a misjudged the toss." Jayne spoke quietly to the girl whose face was inches from his. Her hair brushed against his cheeks and her scent surrounded him.

"You threw it, I caught it." She smiled and laughed.

"Sir, how come you never do that to me?" Zoë looked at Mal while pointing at Jayne and River. It was hard for her to keep a straight face. They did the oddest things and it tugged at her heart.

"'Cause you guys don't win that often," the Merc called out. "It's all them plans 'a the Captain's."

"That will be enough of that." He glared. "How 'bout puttin' my pilot back on the ground, before you make her dizzy and she falls and bumps her head."

"Ya ready, Girlie." He looked up at her and something pulled at his gut as he felt her hair catch in his goatee.

"Yes," she whispered, though she wasn't sure her legs would hold her. She felt intoxicated and strange.

"Then let's go." He freed her hand and dragged his fingers lightly over the skin of her thighs as he loosened his hold. She flipped onto her stomach, still balanced on his shoulder, threw her arms in the air and arched her back planning on jumping to the ground. But he had other ideas. His hands gripped her waist and he slowly lowered her to the deck. He was gratified when she placed both hands on his shoulders and smiled. Their bodies slid against one another in a way that made the big man want to groan. To the others the movement was as fast as the first had been, but to Jayne it seemed to go on forever.

"They look like they's dancin' again," Kaylee chirped from the catwalk.

"Yes they do." Simon didn't take his eyes off the Mercenary and his sister. He wasn't sure what he was seeing but was almost convinced he didn't want to know.

"Girlie and me 'er gonna move some 'a this stuff outta the way so we can do some sparrin'." Jayne pulled his work gloves and hers from his back pocket. "'Sides it's all gotta be rearranged if'n we gonna do this again tomorrow," he called to Mal as the rest of the crew headed out of the bay. Kaylee had her arm around Simon and was whispering in his ear. Looked like those two were going to be occupied until at least dinner.

"Thank you," River muttered with a frown. All her anger from earlier was returning as he handed her the gloves. "I had wondered where these had disappeared to."

"Didn't disappear, they was sitting with the rope and sling we used ta get the wirin' done. He knew she was mad at him, but he didn't care none. "Just put the gorramn things on and let's get ta work."

"I am tired of everyone always telling me what to do!" She tossed the gloves to the deck with a satisfying plop. She knew her outburst had almost nothing to with the leather objects at her feet. "Complaining about what I wear, not trusting…"

"Now look here, Girlie," Jayne ground out as he grabbed her shoulders. He was furious at her 'cause his conversation with the Captain earlier had frightened him. He was afraid that she'd run and he wouldn't be able to stop her. He was furious with himself 'cause he'd taken every chance to touch her and enjoyed it when he'd promised he'd keep his hands off 'a her. "Maybe that's because you don't have the sense that God gave a new born chick! I'm sick ta death a havin' ta watch your ass! Now you pick up them _meiyou muquin de xiao gou _gloves and put 'em on right quick!"

"You _heishoudaang liumang_," River shouted.

"Sounds like the little Core girl's got herself some Rim language." He shot back.

"You're not upset about the gloves." She glared at him, knowing it was the truth. They'd had that discussion too often for him to react like this. There was something else going on. Her anger bubbled up to meet his and she felt other emotions swirling off of him but she couldn't identify them. "Why are you angry? If anyone should be angry it's me. You didn't trust me. You thought I'd sell you out to the Captain and Zoë. How could you believe that?" her voice rose and she didn't care if they heard her all the way to Persephone.

"That's not true!" He fought back.

"Then why did you say what you did?" She glared at him and poked him in the chest.

"I was just hasslin' Mal is all."

"That isn't it!" She was furious because she knew he wasn't telling her the truth. "You can't lie to me, Jayne, I know you too well. I can see it on your face."

"Sure ya ain't diggin' it outta my mind." It was a low blow and he knew it, but it was his worst fear and he couldn't help himself.

"Ohhhhhh," she caught her breath and flinched as if she were deflecting a blow. "I can't do this. I thought we trusted…I can't." She backed away, shaking her head.

"Wait." His arm flew out and grabbed her wrist. "You told me today that I could tell ya anythin'." He stopped and worked to get his anger under control. "Well I'm takin ya at your word. I never had no partner before, least ways not one I could trust or who trusted me." His large callused thumb moved in circles across the top 'a her hand, but he couldn't let her go until he knew her reaction.

"It's hard for me too," she whispered and stepped closer. "I have some reference points for when we're all together as a crew, like family." She bit her lip hating to admit what she knew to be true. "When you fought beside me in the Maidenhead, it was the first time I…ah... I have almost no memories of when I killed for them, but I know for certain that I always did it alone."

"Aww, Girlie," he sighed and brought her face against his chest for a quick, almost-hug. Then he stepped back. "It should be interestin' two people who've always worked alone, workin' as a team." He smiled and let go of her wrist. "We did mighty well together today." He bent and picked up her gloves. It hurt to hear her truths. She'd been all alone for three years 'ceptin' for men who'd hurt her or use her ta kill. "I noticed ya kept reachin' for somethin' on ya right thigh whilst we was fightin'. Got any idea what it might 'a been?"

She took the gloves from his hands and closed her eyes concentrating as hard as she could. "A stiletto?" the word came out as a question until the picture in her mind cleared. "I always had a stiletto strapped there." She shivered at the memory.

"I got a passel of knives, don't know if any 'a them are rightly a sti-letto, but if'n ya like we can go through 'em tomorrow. Seemed ta me you was missin' havin' it where ya could get at it."

"I think I would appreciate that." She smiled as she pulled on her gloves.

"Let's get this taken care of. But be careful, we used parts from that crashed Reavers' ship. Don't want 'a get cut with anything from them."

……………………………..

Twenty minutes later they'd rolled out the mats, taken off their boots and were sparring like they did every night. But tonight Jayne had an ulterior motive. He wanted Girlie as physically tired as he could get her before he talked ta her 'bout not runnin' if trouble came for 'er. It just might give him the edge he needed to keep from getting' his ass kicked, if'n she didn't want ta have the discussion he planned and he was damn sure it was somthin' she wasn't gonna want 'a hear.

They'd been going at it for almost half an hour. The Merc had been pushing her harder and harder. River had responded by doing more and more complicated maneuvers. They were both breathing hard and sweat was running off of them, when he saw his chance. She'd let her guard down for an instant and he swept her feet out from under her and followed her down to the mat, pinning her in place with his body.

"Jayne?" she yelped in surprise. She was well trained and could have easily gotten out from under him, but she would have had to damage him to do so. It was something she realized she'd never do. "You're still angry? I wore the gloves, and…"

"I'm more 'n angry, darlin'. He reached for her delicate wrists and pinned them to the ground above her head. "I heard some 'a what ya told Mal."

"I know, I could feel you standing on the other side of the door."

His left eyebrow twitched as he listened to her and he decided that part of the discussion could wait for later. "Ya gotta promise me that you'll never try ta run away again!" his voice rumbled and the ferocity caught her by surprise.

"But you wanted me gone!" He wasn't making sense to her and she couldn't make that promise because she'd never lie to him. "You were angry with the Captain for bringing me back and if I hadn't knocked you on the head with a can of processed food, you'd have handed me over to the Alliance. You're not making any sense. Now let me up!"

"Gorramnit, don't try to dance outta the question," he growled and pressed his body into hers. "'Sides, that was then and this is now. I ain't all that sure I'd 'a taken ya back no matter what I said. I was angry, at ya, at the Captain and the whole ruttin 'verse. Two days earlier I'd had my ass handed to me by a ninety pound girl in a very public place. My balls was still hurtin' and I don't have the calmest nature under the best of circumstances."

"Jayne…"

"No, you listen to me and listen good. I don't care if'n you don't tell Mal or Simon or any other ruttin soul on this boat. But so help me River Tam you try and run away 'specially 'cause your worried 'bout the rest 'a us, you had better be tellin' me! 'Cause if'n you don't, when I catch up ta ya, I'll tan your be-hind, so's ya can't sit down for a week. And I will catch up ta ya!"

"Do not threaten me, Jayne Cobb!" Her eyes shot fire and she began to struggle against him.

"T'weren't a threat, Girlie." His head was swimming from her nearness. This was too damn much like the little fantasy he'd had in his bunk. Her hair was all spread out 'round her head and he itched to run his hands through it. 'Specially rememberin' how it'd felt as it fell across his face and tangled in his whiskers. He could feel her damp body pressin' against his. It was like every dream and every nightmare rolled inta one. His control was hanging by a thread.

"Please let me go." Her eyes began to glisten and she was afraid she was going to cry. Having him close was making her head spin and lights flashed behind her eyes. She saw again the image of them lying in bed, old and spent, years and years of loving behind them. Then she knew. The pieces of the puzzle were beginning to fall into place. She couldn't run from this man because if she did she'd die, because she'd be leaving her heart behind. When had she begun to love him? She was sure she hadn't yesterday?

"I ain't gonna do that 'till ya promise me." He could see tears on her face and it hurt him, but he knew it would hurt him more if'n she left. He'd made the decision when he'd talked with Mal, if'n she needed to leave, he'd go with her. Didn't make no sense, but he couldn't leave her. He knew she weren't his and never could be, but he still couldn't leave her.

"All right," she gasped.

"Look me in the eyes and say it," he demanded.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked directly into his. She wasn't sure she could breathe with him pressing against almost every inch of her body, let alone talk. "I promise."

"All of it." He watched her carefully and almost gave in when her lip began to quiver, but this was too important.

"I promise that if…if I have to leave I'll tell you about it first. But you have to promise you won't tell Simon."

"Honey, I talked this through with Mal. He's for protectin' ya. He thinks that everyone should have a say in it."

"I can't do it then. Jayne, you and I know; the Captain thinks he knows, but he doesn't." Tears were running down her face at the thought of leaving all the people and the ship she loved. "I will tell you, but you can't tell anyone else."

Jayne freed her hands and ran his thumbs over her damp cheeks. God he wanted ta kiss her. He froze at the thought. He didn't kiss. The girl was drivin' him crazy!

"Please, Jayne, let that be enough. I don't want anyone else to die because of me."

"You gotta let me come with ya if'n it suits me."

"All right," she whispered. She couldn't fight him on that. It was something she'd seen months ago.

"Promise me, River. Look me directly in the eyes and promise me."

"I promise," she cried, burying her face against his shoulder. He'd called her by name! Thinking back she realized that he'd done it before, but it had never meant so much as it did now.

"Then we got ourselves a deal." He held her for a moment before rolling off a' her and getting to his feet. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do, but he did it. She was shivering, he'd felt it before and it was worse since she was sitting alone on the mat with her face hidden by her hands. He wanted to go to her and hold her, keep her warm and snug against his body, but he'd promised he'd keep his hands off a' her. Her cryin' made it harder to keep his distance. But he was a tough guy and could do what needed ta be done. "Get up, Girlie. Go take yourself a nice hot shower. I'll the roll up the mats." He knew it came out gruffer than he'd meant it to, but it was the best he could do.

She nodded as she got to her feet afraid to speak for fear of losing control completely. It was so much harder now that she was further down their joint path than he was. The distance across the cargo bay had never seemed so long and she'd never felt as if she'd walked it so slowly. It took everything in her to keep from running.

As soon as she was out of sight, his legs gave out and he dropped to the mat with his head in his hands. He was gonna need a cold shower, a very cold one after this little go round.

As soon as they had some credits again, he figured he needed to get himself some trim. There was no other excuse for lustin' after the Crazy-Girl. He'd just been too long without a woman. He'd been too broke and too busy when they'd been workin' on the ship. Ya, some trim was all that he needed to be back to his old self again. He figured if'n he told himself that often enough, he might start believin' it. "Damn I'm royally screwed!" he muttered as he rubbed his eyes.


	8. In Dreams

118

**Disclaimer: **They all belong to Joss, I just play with his toys

**Rating: **PG-13

**Pairing: **J/A; M/I they begin to listen when the other speaks. S/K; Z/memories of Wash

**Beta: **My Magic Beta Lady Ceslas

**_Voices and Visions_**

By

_Lattelady_

**Ch 8 - In Dreams**

_Serenity_ was due to arrive on Calderon's third moon in fifteen hours twenty-two minutes and fifty seconds. It would be early morning, planet time and mid-morning, ship time. They had an additional three hours until the scheduled meet that Badger had lined up. River double-checked the coordinates and did another search on the Cortex to be sure nothing new had been posted about their destination.

"Poor planetoid," she muttered. "They didn't care enough about you to give you a proper name. All you received was a numerical designation." She reread the scant information available. Officially they were heading toward _All-31685-Cald-3_. This told her it was claimed by the Alliance; it had been the 31685th astral body identified since leaving Earth-That-Was; but most importantly to her, as a pilot, it indicated that, she needed to use the navigational beacons for Calderon and then the ship's charting computer to home in on the moon. She knew Wash had upgraded the system with some special programs of his own making, so that they could fly undetected past the planet's spatial identification markers, pick up the information they need and go on their merry, unless it had been specifically set to alert the authorities to their presence.

River screwed up her face and looked into the Black. "Hmmm if I used the space cartographer's method, what would my name be? Would I be _Ser-9-Simon-1_?" She shook her head because that didn't work. There were only seven of them left on _Serenity_, and she was sure that Kaylee now occupied the number one orbital position in Simon's life. River thought it was a good thing and was happy for him and her friend. As much as her heart would have liked her to be _Ser-9-Jayne-1_, or maybe it was _Ser-7-Jayne-1_, it didn't matter because she knew that the large body that she gravitated toward didn't think of her that way. Life had been less confusing when she was still wondering how and when she'd move from liking Jayne Cobb to being in love with him.

It was easier to dwell on the oddities of how things were named, than to worry about her inner turmoil. Earlier that day she'd discovered a small footnote regarding their destination. It was more trivial than informative, as well as probably outdated since it was at least twenty years old, but she found it soothing in her current state of mindIt had said,_ 'Colloquially, each of Calderon's moons was known by its prominent weather condition.'_ Though the Cortex hadn't bothered to state what those were. River knew what hers were or had been.

"They've certainly used those when giving me names," she muttered and frowned. "They have called me, _Mei-mei_, Crazy, Moonbrain, Girlie, Hey-you, Killer Girl, Little Albatross, Little Witch, Little One, Sweetie, and Honey." Only Simon and Kaylee used her given name with any frequency, unless she counted her years in Gabriel Tam's household, but if she did, she'd have to include her brother's childhood nickname for her, Peanut. She'd always detested it, but not as much as she'd hated what the Blue Hands had called her: The Subject.

"Hey, Girlie-girl," Jayne walked onto the bridge. River was facing forward so he missed the way she rolled her eyes at him, mentally adding one more name to the long list she'd already gathered.

"Yes, Man With a Girl's Name." She smiled at him deciding two could play that game. He'd called her River three nights ago. Thinking back, she realized that hadn't been the first time. She wished he would do so more often.

"What'd I say 'bout that?" He glared at her.

"That you would show me your 'man parts' if I kept it up." She engaged the autopilot to give her hands something to do, because she knew that if she didn't they'd begin to shake or she'd end up gripping the controls so tightly she'd cut off circulation to her fingers. "But I know you won't, so it is an empty threat." She quickly crossed her arms over her chest and sat up very straight.

Something slammed into his gut because he could suddenly picture…no he refused to let his mind go there. "I don't make empty threats," he growled from deep within. The words straddled the border between passion and violence. They sounded too much like the last time he'd said almost the same thing to her, three nights earlier. "Ya should know that by now."

"I do," she sighed. "You made that very clear the other night in the cargo bay." She was thinking of what it had felt like to be pinned beneath his body and filled with the realization that she'd come to love him. It was a picture that had floated through her mind too often in the last few days. "That day in the infirmary was almost six months ago. We were different. You would have taken great joy in trying to embarrass me, though I believe if you had actually done as you'd threatened, it would have been Simon who would have been the most upset. I was still too crazy for it to make any difference." River laughed remembering how the big man had scowled and reached for his zipper. She wished she had the nerve to tell him that his attitude toward her would change again and he would be the one to teach her the joys found in a man's body, not just give her an anatomy lesson born out of anger.

"It might 'a been worth Mal yellin' at me, just ta see the Doc squirm." He laughed relieved that the tension in the room was broken.

"I realize he can be most entertaining when upset, but it is my prerogative, as a younger sibling, to create such a response." She tilted her head and looked up at him in that odd way of hers that he used to find irritating, but now thought was kind 'a cute, though he liked it a damn site better when it was aimed at someone else. "Do you really think so little of him?"

"Weeelllll," Jayne hemmed and hawed. He hated to admit that his opinion of the younger man had changed. "He sure does look like a sissified Core-gent, but he ain't afraid 'a me and thinkin' on it I don't think he ever has been, least not for himself. I gotta respect 'em for that but it don't mean I'm not gonna tease him. It builds character." He shook his head at the Doc's odd personality. "He could 'a killed me easy that day, when he found out what I done on Ariel. Had every right to, but just wanted to put it behind us. Even early on, he knocked me out when I was givin' everybody a hard time 'cause Zoë and the Captain was late meetin' up after the train heist. That took guts." He looked down at her and glared. "Ya know that's somethin' you Tams are real good at. I wish to ruttin hell ya'd both stop knockin' me out."

"Genetics, what can I say," she shrugged.

"Ya can say ya ain't gonna do it no more."

"I ain't gonna do it no more," she put her hands on her hips and imitated his accent and expression and then easily slipped back to being herself. "But I can make no promises for Simon. Also, there is a condition tied to my response."

"Ain't there always," he groaned and shook his head to keep from laughing. "Woman always got their conditions."

It was hard for her to keep from smiling, he'd called her a woman, but what she had to say was too important to be lost in their usual teasing. "Jayne, you're my friend and Simon is my brother. I want the two of you to get along."

"We're gettin' along."

"I know, but this will help you both. There is only one thing I want you to remember about Ariel. It is the key to understanding Simon. When that patient went into cardiac distress, my brother rushed to help him. That was who he really is. It had taken over two years of planning, all his money and his reputation to help me escape from the Academy, but he chanced throwing all that away because a man would have died if he hadn't."

"T'were gorramn amazin'. I seen lots a men meet their maker, a goodly number at my hand, but that were the first time I seen somethin' like that." Wanting to reassure her, he knelt beside her on the balls of his feet with a hold on the board in front of her to keep his balance and looked her straight in the eyes. "Just so ya know, he didn't go off and forget 'bout ya. He told me ta take care of ya but there I was gonna…"

"No, that part is not important. It is in the past! All of our sins were washed away by the blood spilled on Miranda and Mr. Universe's moon. If I didn't believe that, the only way I could face living would be detached from reality, stark raving crazy." She covered his hand with hers. "Please, Jayne let it help you understand Simon. The rest is of no importance."

"You're wrong, River," he whispered her name. "If'n it's all right with ya, I'd like ta keep one other memory from that day." He reached over and ruffled her hair. His fingers searched for the scars he knew were on her scalp but he'd never had the guts ta touch before. "I want ta remember these, how ya got 'em and what they did ta ya. Then I'll know that no matter what I'm offered, it'll never be enough and I'll be able to keep the promise I made ta Simon that day."

"But you wouldn't turn us in, not now." She felt the truth deep in her bones and even if she didn't, the surety of her vision told her he'd never betray her.

"Ya know that for sure? Ya seen it?" As much as he wanted to look away, he didn't. He needed to know it was one of her reader-things. "'Cause I done some ruttin bad things in my time…and…well since we become friends it's been hauntin' my dreams some and I ain't just talkin' 'bout Ariel." His nights had been bad the last few days. In his dreams he'd be sexin' River somethin' fierce, then he'd either hold her through the night, or he'd hand her over to the Alliance. To his thinkin' both were equally damaging.

"I know it for sure." She couldn't help herself. She placed a gentle hand on the side of his face. He'd shaved that morning, so his skin was smooth except for where the pad of her thumb made small circles against his goatee. She wanted to lean forward and feel those scratchy whiskers against her lips, her cheeks, and down the arch of her neck.

The seconds drifted by. All Jayne could do was stay exactly where he was, lookin' deep into her pretty brown eyes. He was caught in something he didn't understand, as desire flared though him, but it was more than that. He'd sworn he'd do his best ta keep his hands to hisself and he'd been doing real good. 'Bout the only time they'd touched was when they sparred. This time she'd reached for him. Now all he wanted to do was pull her close and let that little hand 'a hers do some more explorin'. If it felt that gorramn good ta have her rubbin' against his cheek, what would it be like if'n she was touching other parts?

"You will not betray me," she whispered, lost in the feel of him.

"I'm already doin' just that, Baby-doll." He wasn't aware he'd spoken out loud. The endearment that had slipped out hardly registered on his unconscious thought, but she had heard it and it shook her to the core. Jayne took a deep breath and wrapped his large paw around her wrist. Her skin was soft and all her wanted to do was hold on, but he gently lifted her hand away from his face. With all the strength he could muster he stood and took a step back. "I…ah…just came up here ta tell ya, that tonight's games is gonna be in full weapons dress…but…no ammo. So…ah meet me in the…ah…lounge ta get weaponed up." He nodded at her and didn't give her a chance to answer, just fled the bridge.

River stared straight ahead out into the Black, but didn't see a thing. All she could do was feel. His desire had washed over her in waves and sent her head spinning. Her body felt strange. She was tempted to let her mind follow his retreat to his bunk, sure that if she did that the ache deep inside of her would be relieved. "Can't, wrong to intrude," she muttered and slumped in her chair with her face buried in her hands, still tempted to follow.

"Hey, Little One, you okay." Zoë put a reassuring hand on River's shoulder, causing her to jump in surprise.

"I…ah…didn't hear…how did…your tread is very light." She was astonished anyone had been able to get near her without her knowing it. Even when madness had taken control of her, she could hear foot steps. But then she had been unsure which were real and which were not. In surprise she lowered her hands from her face and met the penetrating stare of the older woman.

"At least you've got the good sense to put the ship on autopilot when distraction comes your way." The First-Mate had seen the expression on the Merc's face when he'd pushed past her to get to his bunk. It was one she'd seen before and it was always caused by a woman or lack of one.

"I found it necessary to take a small break." River slowly reached over to take back control of _Serenity_, but darker, larger hands gripper her smaller pale ones and wouldn't let them go.

"You might want to give yourself a few more minutes." Zoë knelt beside her in almost the exact spot where Jayne had been minutes earlier. "It's all right you know."

"I'm unsure…"

"'Course you are, honey. You already explained that you feel everyone's emotions and that old _hundan_ who just stomped outta here don't know the first thing about controlling his."

"Jayne didn't have anything to do with it! I was only taking a small break," River insisted.

"Okay, if that's the way you want it." Zoë smiled softly thinking about all the times she and Wash had…ah…christened the chair the girl was sitting in. With sparkling eyes she stood and looked down at the small person. "I guess you could always blame it on the pilot's seat. I'm amazed that thing doesn't glow in the dark." She lovingly caressed the worn material.

"Sometimes when I'm flying, if I'm worried about what I am doing, I can feel him and because he is there, the fear goes away. All of the rest belongs to you. There is a deep base of love here, but it was always here. I knew about it long before he was gone." River's eyes had cleared but the other woman's filled with tears. "Be reassured it speaks only to Zoë."

The First-Mate sniffed and wiped at her eyes before she spoke. "I dream about him all the time. Sometimes they are so real that I'm surprised when I open my eyes and find that he isn't beside me. Those mornings are hard. Because I have to tell myself all over again that he died." She flopped into the co-pilot's seat, confused; confused that she was talking about her feelings; and confused that she was having them in the first place. She was a realist and knew that dead was dead. "The strangest part is that I have the memory of the dream from the night before and that helps some."

"Before, when I lived in the shadows and nothing was clear. I didn't know who any of you were." River took back control of _Serenity_, almost as if she needed to have the feel of the ship in her hands to be able to speak about the time between when she jumped from a cold sleep box and Miranda. "I didn't understand what had been done to me. All I could do was feel. Everyone had a distinct mental signature, except for you and Wash. Yours were blurred. It would always surprise me when I'd come around a corner and find only one of you standing there. The really interesting thing was that it would mix and change. Sometimes there would be more Warrior Woman, sometimes more laughing pilot." The girl turned slightly, unsure if what she was about to say would be helpful or not. "It's still like that."

"I'm glad," Zoë whispered, dropped her chin to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around herself as if to keep the image in River's mind held securely against her.

"You seen where Jayne got to?" Mal skidded to a halt a foot inside the hatch to the bridge. He took one look at both women and began backing out slowly. There was no way in gorramn hell he was goin' ta face two weeping females, especially when one 'a them was Zoë!

"In his bunk," both women answered simultaneously without looking up. They heard their Captain cussing. He tromped away, knocked hard on the bunk door and called out for his Mercenary. Suddenly they were both laughing.

"Ah thank-you, honey," the First-Mate wiped tears off her cheeks. "I think we sent the poor man into a state of panic."

"He cares about you."

"Yes he does, but so far you're the only one who will really talk about Wash with me. I appreciate that."

"For them, everything that happened is like a gaping wound, which is still new with exposed raw nerves. They feel the pain and haven't learned to process it." She shrugged unsure if she was making any sense. "I've lived that way, for most of the last three years, with nothing but feelings and a damaged brain that won't let me hide from the emotions all around me. I've come to realize that it helps to speak of what hurts most. Then if I'm very lucky, the pain will fly away and leave only its shadow behind. But the Captain," she shook her head in doubt. "He lives in a valley littered with the dead and the body count keeps getting higher and higher, to be numb, turned to stone, is his protection."

Zoë nodded quietly and stared into the Black. The girl knew what she was talking about.

………………………………………….

If a bad dress rehearsal is a good omen for a coming performance, then the disaster that was their war game that afternoon prophesized a stellar job of thieving on the following day. Nothing went as planned. Jayne and River lost the ability to do the simplest task together, until even Zoë and Mal were snapping at each other. Their leader finally called a halt to the proceedings before he banged someone's head against a bulkhead.

"Tonight I don't want you two sparrin'." The Captain glared at his gun hands. "In the mood you're in, you'll do serious damage to each other and despite the dismal way you was acting, I need you both in working condition tomorrow."

"If he hadn't gotten in my way…"

"If she'd followed orders…"

"Not a word, not one single word outta the two of you until you cool down!"

They glared at each other for a moment and then the Merc swung Vera's strap over his head. "Girlie," he called out and sent his favorite weapon flying toward her. She reached up without saying a word, and the automatic rifle fell into her palm. As she brought it down, she flicked her wrist so the strap slipped over her head. Before anyone could blink, they were staring down the barrel of the deadliest gun on the boat held expertly in the hands of most likely the deadliest person on the boat.

"_Qu tamade_," Mal shouted in disgust. "Why the gorramn hell couldn't ya done that before."

River shrugged as Jayne walked up to her holding out his hand. "Give her back, Girlie." His smile was tight, but his insides had stopped heaving. He knew it had been his fault things had gone so badly between them. He had been trying to run interference for her and they'd ended up tripping all over each other. Tossing her Vera had been as much a test as an apology.

"She feels so sweet." The girl crooned as she caressed the cool metal casing she held in her hands. The weapon always reminded her of Jayne. She could understand why it was his favorite.

"Bring her along." The big man understood her reaction to the gun. He indicated for her to follow him with a sweep of his arm as he turned toward the stairs. He really didn't want her in his bunk, but he figured it would be safe enough if he was careful. "We got 'ta put the rest 'a your armaments with my stuff, ya might as well carry Vera."

"I still don't want you two sparring. Everyone should make an early night of it." The Captain looked around at his crew. He hoped things went smoothly the next day or he was sure someone was going to catch a bullet and too often that someone was him. "See you all at dinner."

……………………………..

River followed Jayne down his ladder and reluctantly handed over Vera as soon as they were both standing on the deck.

"I'm sorry, Girlie, 'bout what happened. T'was my fault." He looked at her a bit uncertain, nervously playing with his favorite gun's heavy leather strap. He wasn't used to apologizing to anyone. "But I was worried…the other night when we sparred, I shouldn't 'a been able to take ya down like I did. I know you was tired. It had been the first time ya'd fought 'long side 'a us, even if they was only a practice, and we'd been arguin'. I deliberately pushed ya as hard as I could, 'cause I needed to talk ta ya and didn't want to get my ass kicked or my balls twisted off if ya didn't want to listen ta what I had ta say. Ya dropped your guard, Girlie. That can get you dead real quick like."

"I thought we had an understanding, Jayne, no matter how violent things may appear to others, we wouldn't hurt each other." She plopped down on his bed, her hands gripped tightly together, feeling off kilter.

"I didn't hurt ya did I?" He quickly sat beside her. He knew he'd been rough on her, but he'd been careful not wantin' to inflict pain while gettin' his point across.

"No." She shook her head, wondering if he hadn't pushed her physically, pressing against every centimeter of her body, if the love she knew she'd finally feel for him would have stayed hidden a bit longer. She understood that because of those feelings she'd answered him the way she had. "Part of me is disappointed that you felt you needed to restrain me in order to get me to talk to you about not running away if I became frightened. Part of me understands completely why you did it, given your past experience with both Tam siblings during disagreements. And there is another part of me that is very glad you did, because I may never have given you my promise to talk to you first if things got bad."

"Huh?" He crinkled his brow completely lost in the twists and turns of her odd confession. "That still doesn't explain why ya dropped your guard."

"I know," she sighed and looked up at him. "It was completely against all of my training. But I've never had the luxury of fighting with someone who I trusted before."

Jayne was hit with anger, sorrow and pleasure all at the same time. The most natural course was for him to explode. "Well, gorramnit, Girlie, if that isn't the stupidest thing I ever heard! The whole idea 'a those little sessions is to practice. Ya always gotta be on guard, always! Trust don't mean a thing in the 'verse when your life is on the line."

"I know." She got up and took off the last of her weapons. "I'm sorry I worried you, it won't happen again." She'd just placed her hand on a rung of the ladder when she spoke quietly, but didn't turn or look at him. "But wouldn't it be nice to have one person you don't have to worry about betraying you."

"Girlie, we been over this on the bridge this afternoon." The trust she was offering him was something he wanted to reach for, and bask in its warm glow. But if he did that he would destroy it and he'd have nothing left to hope for.

"On the bridge, we addressed your fears, not mine." She turned back to him, her eyes filled with pain. "To know that I can fight, and be selective about who lives and who dies, means that you, the Captain and Zoë will be safe when there is a weapon in my hands. Your nightmares may be filled with images of turning Simon and me over to the Alliance, but mine are filled with death, your deaths."

"It ain't gonna happen, River." He gently ran his hand through her hair until his fingers felt a small ridge of scar tissue. "I know it ain't 'cause you didn't kill us in the Maidenhead, or back on the boat when ya broke free. Ya could 'a, but you didn't." He wouldn't bring up her cuttin' him, he figured they'd finally left that day behind them.

"Thank you," she whispered. "The knowledge is helpful, but I do not know if, or when, my dreaming mind will accept it." His hand still held her head, and his touch gave her more reassurance than all the words that could have been spoken, so she stood on her tiptoes to lightly brush her lips against his cheek.

"Ya need ta be gettin' outta here, Girlie." He nodded toward his ladder then remembered his finger was still rubbin' against the knotted ridge on her scalp and quickly pulled his hand away. "This ain't no place for ya to be."

……………………………………………………..

Malcolm Reynolds lay in his bunk and listened to _Serenity _on night running. The gentle click of Zoë's hatch and then her light step as she headed for the bridge told him that everyone had settled in for the night. He hated to think of his First-Mate curled sleeping in her dead husband's chair, but the Doc had advised him to leave her alone for the time bein' and he planned on doing just that, as long as it she was getting enough sleep. As of tomorrow they'd be back to thieving and he needed her by his side.

Once things quieted again, Mal grabbed his small flashlight and left his bunk. Kaylee had indicated he needed to listen to the goings-on in the night, that there was somethin' he might learn if he did. He figured it had to do with 'Nara. Those two had always whispered girl stuff between 'em. He considered himself lucky that the Mechanic had given him a hint 'bout what was goin' on.

He moved quietly to the catwalk. During the year Inara had rented from him and the four months she'd been gone, he's spent hours sittin' on the top step. He knew from experience that wishin' her to open her door and come join him, was just another useless hope. He'd had a passel of those back on Shadow. It had been why he'd become a Browncoat.

He gave her shuttle one look of longing and moved on. It had been a long day and the disastrous war games before dinner worried him. The other three needed to be at peak performance, 'cause as much as he hated to admit it, he still had some healin' to do from his fight with the Operative. That slimy bastard had stuck him good with that gorramn sword of his. If he'd died that day, he'd at least have had the satisfaction of makin' it back to his own people first. The last thing he would've seen was 'Nara's face. Nope, not a bad way to die in his way of thinkin', even if she'd been all teary-eyed and there'd been somethin' he'd been tryin' ta tell her, but he couldn't remember what it was.

With a deep breath he moved on into the back of his ship. Just as he entered the engine room his flashlight illuminated dark curls hanging over the side of the rainbow hammock Kaylee'd hung when she'd first come aboard. He pulled back into the corridor, as his thumb moved to switch off the beam. Only one person had hair like that. Mal shook his head sure he was dreamin' and then stepped into the room again. It was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen: 'Nara sleepin'. He couldn't tear himself away, though he knew it was wrong to watch her.

_One moment Inara had been behind heavy metal boxes, bow in hand, waiting for Reavers to break in and suddenly her mind was pulled away. She was sitting beside a hospital bed listening carefully to Mal breathe, counting each breath. She'd become obsessed that night, counting everything: the drops of blood falling from the bag into the drip chamber attached to his intravenous tube; all the times he'd made her cry; all the times he'd made her laugh; the nights she'd spent sleeping in the engine room after Nandi; the nights she's paced her terrace at the Training House, unable to sleep, because she was too embarrassed to wave him, requesting, that he come and get her; but worst of all the minutes between when he'd lost consciousness and when he had received medical care. The odd counting had kept her sane when her world tipped and spun. It was all that had gotten her through that first_ _terrible night when the Med-Tech had tried to convince her to leave, to go to her room and clean up, but she couldn't. She knew she had to stay. She'd left him once and she couldn't ever do it again. _

She could hear the breathing again, but it was out of place. _Mal had regained consciousness, if only for a moment. A pinched frightened looking River had walked into the med-bay and convinced the older woman to leave for a few hours of sleep, promising she'd watch over the Captain and the rest of the crew. Inara knew what strength it had taken for the girl to leave her hiding place in her room and walk among members of the Alliance, so she'd done as River had asked…River…River?_

"River," Inara mumbled as she began to waken. Mal swung around and moved quietly and quickly out of the engine room. He didn't know how long he'd been standing there staring at the sleeping woman, but he was smart enough to know it was something he shouldn't have done.

Her broken ribs made it hard for her to move. It had been Simon's main argument against her sleeping in the hammock. He'd knitted the brakes when she'd finally admitted to him that she'd been injured, but as long as she spent the night at an awkward angle, the new bone that formed around his repair job kept cracking and refusing to build properly. Inara had just brushed it aside as trivial, sure that she'd be fine eventually. She felt secure in the engine room and with her world shifting out from under her that was more important.

It had been her hiding place ever since she'd discovered Mal walking out of Nandi's room buttoning his shirt. She couldn't face the ghosts of all those other men who lived in her shuttle. They had taken up residence and had begun taunting her in her sleep. Logically she knew that it would have been easiest and better for her to trade rooms with River, but she'd refused. The bright rainbow material was familiar against her skin and she'd needed that. She didn't admit, even to herself, that there was also more chance she'd be discovered by the Captain if she had to walk across the cargo bay every morning and evening, or that she didn't want to get into a protracted argument with him while her private, professional and political beliefs were in shreds.

As she maneuvered out of the hammock, she shook her head at how close she'd come to getting caught when Jubal Early had broken onto the ship. If Kaylee hadn't been working late that night, it would have been Inara the bounty hunter would have threatened. She often wondered if the outcome would have been different. She wasn't as easily intimidated as her young friend. It might have cost her more than the bloodied and bruised lip she had received. Simon's presences in the shuttle that night had been both a protection and hindrance.

"River," Inara called out as she moved down the corridor. It had been warm in the engine room and she hadn't bothered to pull the matching blue robe over her silk gown and now she wished she had as she padded barefoot out onto the catwalk. All was quiet, so she headed for the shuttle and knocked lightly on the hatch. "River, honey, are you all right?"

The girl answered the door rubbing sleep out of her eyes and wrapped in a blanket. "Inara?" she yawned. "No nightmares tonight." She gave the older woman an odd smile as she pulled her blanket tighter around her shoulders and buried her nose in it. "Thank you for checking."

"I…a…hmmm…I was sure I heard..." A frowned marred her lovely brow. "I apologize for waking you. Go back to sleep, Sweetie."

The girl nodded and yawned as she stumbled back to bed. She'd been having a lovely dream. Tonight there were no dead bodies, blood or screams. The slight scent of gun oil, leather, cigar smoke, whiskey and Jayne that clung to her blanket would surely guide her back to where she'd been.

Shivering Inara made sure the shuttle door was locked before she headed back to the engine room. She hadn't taken ten steps when she saw Mal standing in the shadows on the catwalk. His arms were folded and in the dark she couldn't read his expression, but his body language shouted anger. As she moved closer, she realized it was worse than she had expected. He had her robe and blanket over his arm.

"Shame to cover up somethin' so pretty." His eyes traveled over her body with only the deep blue silk covering it. "But it is the wiser course of action." He handed her the matching robe.

"Thank you." She tried to move around him, twisting the garment he just passed to her in nervous hands, but he blocked her way.

"I understand why ya turned me down about sleepin' in crew quarters when I offered them on the way to Miranda." He shook his head angrily. "Ya couldn't have made it down the ladder, still can't, probably, with them ribs 'a yours. But why in the gorramn hell are ya sleepin in the engine room? If ya closed and locked that door, even on night runnin', you'd be cooked good and proper by mornin'! Didn't we learn our lesson once on this boat? Nobody, 'specially the women folk sleep with an unlocked door! This is my boat…"

"Don't yell," she snapped. "And don't pull out that trite 'it's my boat, it's my rules' either. No one is arguing that it is your ship and we try to follow your rules, but you weren't here…we couldn't ask you…" She began to shake but refused to let him see her cry again. "I haven't been…" She clamped her mouth closed and bit down hard. She'd almost let it slip that she hadn't been sleeping in the shuttle since before she left to go to the Training House.

"Simmer down." He patted her shoulder and his fingers strayed to play with one of the tiny straps that were all that was holding up her gown. "I…ah…" he blinked to get his mind back to what he'd been about to say. "I gather that was River sleepin' in there?"

"Yes." She looked up, caught in the burning blue of his eyes, and automatically shifted her body closer to his.

"Mind tellin' me why?"

"Because she needs to," Inara whispered. His hand resting on her shoulder radiated warmth and she leaned into it. "Nightmares, Simon knows. She's doing better and she always checks with me if she's had a problem."

"That's why ya got these." He brought his other hand up and gently touched the dark circles under her eyes. "You're not getting' 'nuff sleep."

"It will get better now." She smiled and wrapped her hand around her wrist to pull it away from her face. "Jayne has volunteered to help when River has bad nights and she's willing to let him. So there are two of us to share the job."

"Is that something I need to worry 'bout?" He knew she had to be freezing, standing in the middle of the catwalk, wearing nothing but a skimpy nightgown, with _Serenity_ powered down to night running, but she hadn't made a move to put on her robe or cover-up with the blanket he'd hung over the banister. It was as if they were both afraid that if they changed positions everything would change and they'd go back to arguing. He kept waiting for someone to hammer on the hatch of his bunk telling him to wake-up and stop dreamin'. Lord knew she'd filled enough of his sleepin' hours since the day he'd met her.

"No." She shook her head. "I'd never let anything bad happen to the crew. I did what I could until you were…"

"Until I was what?" the edge to his voice and the glitter in his eyes left no doubt that his anger was close behind. Things were falling into place. Things that had nearly driven him crazy when he was too sick to take care of his responsibilities, but he'd tried not to think about since gettin' released from the hospital. His hand tightened slightly on her shoulder. "You made the decisions 'bout the repairs, didn't ya?"

"Please don't be angry." The dream that had woken her was vivid in her mind. She supposed it was partly Kaylee's doing after the warning the younger woman had given her a few days earlier. Telling her to remember what Mal had looked like when he'd collapsed and almost bled to death. That memory was what prevented her from walking off in an angry huff as they stood on the catwalk balanced between an argument and something she wasn't ready to admit existed. "Zoë was in no shape to do it and I think if we hadn't been able to resurrect _Serenity_, she might have given-up."

"She's not the only one," he muttered remembering those dark days of worry. "I can't believe Jayne didn't give ya no trouble and try ta run things." Just when he thought he had the Merc figured out, the big man goes all strange on him. Had been ever since Miranda.

"He was oddly silent. Not like himself at all, almost relieved that someone else was making the decisions." She shook her head trying to remember clearly what had happened only seven weeks ago. She'd been exhausted, her beliefs had been destroyed, and she'd been in pain, both physically and emotionally. She remembered resenting having to pull on her old personality and deal with officials and merchants, but it was the most expedient way to get their home and lives put back together.

"'Nara where'd ya go?" Mal bent so his face was almost touching hers. She'd been staring off into the distance as if seeing something only she knew about. "Ya sure Jayne didn't give ya trouble?"

"Sorry, I was just remembering." She blinked to wash away the grinding, desperate feelings that were sneaking up on her again. "No, he didn't. He really didn't." She searched for words to describe what it had been like, but she wasn't sure they were in her vocabulary. "It was bad enough to lose Wash, but I believe Shepherd Book was the first friend he had, maybe ever," Her eyes glistened and she bit her lip to stay in control. "Jayne was always there; willing to do whatever job needed to be done and didn't complain once when I asked him to help River with the wiring. The first two days we had no power at all. River hated being in those conduits with only a flashlight and blackness, but he would talk to her, keep her going, always letting her know that there was someone on the other end of that rope. Once or twice she panicked and he pulled her up real fast. He took her outside into the sunshine and would just keep on talking. Then when we had the main power on it was all we could do to keep her out of the crawl spaces, with or without help."

"Gorramnit, I should 'a been here." His hand was resting on Inara's shoulder as his thumb slid gently between the delicate notch of her collar bone and the beginning swell of her breast. "Ya shouldn't 'a had to take it all on by yourself."

"You're here now." Inara's words flew out unheeded.

"'Nara," Mal whispered as he pulled her into a tight embrace. He was a breath away from kissing her as he'd always dreamed of doing, when she gasped in pain. He froze remember she had broken ribs.

"It's all right. I'm fine." She had wrapped her arms around his waist to reassure them both.

"No ya aren't." He knew he'd hurt her, but he wasn't the kind 'a man who could put it into words. 'Sides his mind was still filled with thoughts of kissin' her. If he'd done that, he was sure that slinky gown 'a hers would be lying on the catwalk 'bout now and he'd have had her backed up against the nearest wall. His driving need for her would have taken over and they'd both have been lost. If her ribs were too tender for a hug, they sure wouldn't have survive that little fantasy 'a his. "Your eyes are all swimmy."

"Mal, breathing hurts, so don't worry about a hug."

"Then how the ruttin' hell do ya manage to sleep in a hammock and why would ya even try? You could be sleepin' in River's bed in the passenger dorm." He kept his arms gently around her to keep from throwing something. He'd never met a woman who confused him so. One second all he could think about was how good her skin would feel against his, the next he had to fight to keep from shaking her silly.

"Sleeping in Kaylee's hammock is difficult." She looked up at him and her eyes begged him to calm down. "Every time I move it wakes me up." She smiled gently at some joke only she knew. "And getting in and out is a challenge."

"Ya still haven't told me why you're doin' it." He glared at her.

"I…" How could she tell him about all the nights that hammock had been her refuge from the ghosts who wandered the shuttle? "Please," she gasped and buried her face in her hands with her forehead resting over his heart. "I can't right now. You have to give me time, stop…digging, stop…"

He looked at her seeing an exhausted woman. She'd been living out of that trunk in the shuttle, almost no make-up and the same three or four dresses were rotated. Always clean and neatly taken care of, but repeated over and over again. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her with any jewelry except for the small gold chain she'd taken to wearing during the days. He finally realized that over the last weeks she'd been watching over everyone but herself. With that thought came the memory of the only other time she'd ever begged him for anything. It had been on Miranda, after they'd seen the taped message. It had been painful for him to see the Alliance in action one more time, but had been devastating for her to discover her beliefs and life style had been based on deceptions and lies.

"If you slept in the passenger dorm, do you think you'd get any sleep at all?" He couldn't conjure what it was about the engine room that held such an attraction for her and he really didn't want her sleeping there, but if she rejected his idea, he wouldn't insist.

"I'm sure I'll be able to." She agreed, relieved he hadn't pushed about her reasons.

"Give it a try for tonight and if it don't work out, we'll see what we can come up with tomorrow." He took her robe from her hands and tossed it over his shoulder, wrapped his army blanket around her then took her arm. "Come on, I'll help you down the steps."

"I'd appreciate that." She pushed her left hand tightly to her side as he wrapped his arm around her so she could lean on him and the banister as they slowly made their way to the cargo bay.

"Do you want another blanket or something?" Mal stood hesitantly at the door to River's empty room.

"No, not unless you want this one back." She looked over her shoulder at the bed. "There are sheets and a quilt, but it would be nice to have this for extra warmth."

"You're welcome ta use it." He got an odd shivery feeling in his stomach at the idea that 'Nara had been snugglin' in his blanket. "I didn't even realize it was missing from the locker on the bridge."

"Thank you, Mal." She gave him a sweet smile, one that was all hers.

"You're welcome. It's just an old thing." He picked at the corner figuring she was smart enough to know all the memories it held for him. He only hoped they wouldn't haunt her sleep like they did his. "Don't really need to thank me for it. No one was usin' it anyway."

"Not just for the blanket, but for…well…not pushing."

"Least I could do. You didn't argue about tryin' this." He pointed to the room that was behind her. "Knowin' you're sleepin' behind a locked door will go a long way to givin' me a peaceful night." He caressed her shoulder and looked her directly in the eyes. "But the other, I got an idea there's a whole passel of things that need to be said that're tied to why you'd choose a noisy engine room over my right nice passenger dorm or your shuttle. If ya ever get ta where ya can speak on 'em, I'd be mighty glad to listen."

Her emotions were too close to the surface to answer so she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek, then turned and stepped into River's room. As she was closing the door he was sure he heard her mutter, "The shuttle isn't mine, anymore." But he was too shocked to believe anything that had just happened.

"Yup," he sighed. "Just a dream and I'm gonna wake-up real soon." But he grinned and hoped like hell that he hadn't imagined the last hour.

…………………………………………………………….

The next morning Mal and Inara watched over River's shoulder as she navigated past Calderon to its third moon. He nodded and sat in the co-pilot's seat indicating for Inara to take the main controls once they'd entered atmo. "Right nice job ya did there, Little Albatross, now it's 'Nara's turn."

"I am picking up rain on the sensors but we're on course." The girl passed on the flight information as she did her seat.

It took a moment for Inara to adjust to the bulkier feel of _Serenity_, compared to the shuttle. When she'd practiced in the Black, there hadn't been gravity and that had made a difference, but she had enough flight experience to easily compensate. "I've got it, Mal. You can relax now." She smiled at the man whose hands hovered over the controls on his panel, ready to take over if the need arose.

"Well then take us in." He did his best to look relaxed, but he doubted he'd fool anyone.

"Sorry about that," she muttered as they passed through the clouds and were hammered with rain, causing the ship to buck once.

"Sure you're okay?" He instinctively reached for the controls.

The Companion only nodded, concentrating completely on what she was doing. "Better I practice under adverse conditions…" She didn't want to tell him that he was the one making her insides shake. She'd flown in storms more times than she could count, but it had never been the morning after she'd kissed Mal, even if it had only been on his cheek.

River patted her on the shoulder to give her reassurance. "I am going to eat, my presence here is superfluous." She could hear indistinct sounds of the rest of the crew gathering in the galley and she was hungry.

…………………………………..

"If this rain don't let up, we're in for a nasty time," Jayne grunted as he poured some coffee and scooped protein mash into his bowl. He didn't know what Inara had been doing ta the stuff, but it didn't taste like cardboard no more.

"We've worked in the rain before." Zoë's voice was hard. There was no trace of the woman who had spoken of her husband with River the night before. "Mornin', Little One." She nodded as the girl drifted into the room. "Is that Inara at the controls?" She couldn't keep the smile off her face when she thought about the anxiety Mal must be going through on the bridge.

"Here ya go, Girlie." The Merc held out the huge portion he'd been dishing-up and tried to give it to her, but he couldn't get her attention.

"She is doing very well, but the Captain is making her nervous." The young pilot tried not to laugh, but it slipped out anyway.

"Girlie…" The big man ground his teeth when he didn't get a response the first time.

"Thank you, Jayne." She turned toward him and saw what he was offering her. "I can not eat all of that. One scoopful would be more than adequate, if you don't mind."

"I'm sure he is." The First-Mate's mind was still on the bridge. She didn't think she'd ever met two more stubborn people in her life. "If those two are being their usual selves we'll be lucky if they ship don't crash the boat."

"What do I look like, the ruttin' maid," Jayne muttered and rattled dishes loudly as the women went on chattering and he plopped a spoonful of mash into another bowl. "Okay, 'nuff of all this girlie-talk!" He glared and handed River her breakfast. "Good way ta drive a man round the bend. We got serious crime ta do, so everybody sit down so's we can concentrate on the job we got ahead 'a us."

"Well I guess we've been told." Zoë grunted as she poured a second cup of coffee and joined the others at the table.

"Mornin' all," Kaylee yawned as she and Simon shuffled sleepily into the galley.

"You two have a rough night?" Jayne grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "Didn't hear no screamin' comin' from the bunk 'crossed from mine so you should look all bright–eyed and bushy-tailed."

Simon turned and glared at him. But the Mercenary just laughed, until River elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"Jayne!" Kaylee gasped. "T'weren't like that at all." She'd never admit that the only reason her moans hadn't echoed through _Serenity's_ hull had been Simon's hand held securely over her mouth or her sheet gripped tightly between her teeth. He'd had nightmares about River goin' on the job 'a crime and several times during the night he'd reached for the woman at his side and let their passion burn away his fears.

"That will be enough of that type of conversation at the breakfast table." Zoë stared the Merc down until he shrugged and mumbled an apology that neither of the couple heard because they were too busy concentrating on each other.

As Kaylee carefully filled their bowls with mash she wondered at her lover's abilities to constantly amaze her. He looked all prim and proper on the outside, but she knew there was another man hidden behind the white shirts and fancy vests. She leaned her shoulder against him while he poured coffee and smiled lovingly into his eyes. "Maybe you should take a nap while they is gone, just in case someone needs doctorin' when it's all over.

"Only if you join me." His hand caressed her cheek. "I've discovered I can't sleep unless you're there."

"Honey, if I'm there you won't get any sleep anyway."

"Good point," he grinned. "It might be wiser for both of us to keep Inara company in case we need to make our usual hasty get-away." He dropped a kiss on her temple and helped her carry their breakfast to the table.

Kaylee sighed at Simon's unexpected and pleasurable reaction to anxiety.

……………………………………..

"You did a right fine job there, 'Nara." Mal looked at the woman across the cockpit from him. She was as beautiful as ever and it thrilled him to see her graceful hands controlling his boat.

"Thank you. She doesn't handle exactly like the shuttle did, but I can see why River and Wash loved flying her." Inara caressed the half-wheel she was holding.

"Ah…" The man across from her had to clench his jaw to keep from moaning. Her touch seemed to vibrate through the ship until he could feel it against his skin. "Ah…How'd ya sleep last night?" He blinked at his stupidity when he was almost unable to find words. He'd been meaning to ask her that but the question kept getting lost somewhere. Watching her fly _Serenity_ made him understand why Zoë had spent so many hours on the bridge with Wash. He'd always thought 'Nara had a provocativeness about her, but seein' her with the controls to his ship in her hands, gave new meaning to the word.

"Fine, good…better actually." It was the truth, but only after she'd gotten to sleep. She'd laid there playing the conversation they'd had over and over again in her head. When she'd finally drifted off she'd been more comfortable than in the hammock, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the location or the lovely memories that had followed her into her dreams. For the first time in seven weeks she'd dreamt about Mal and he hadn't been dying. "If it's all right with you, I'll talk to River when she's back from the job and we'll change rooms."

"Ya want to give up the shuttle?" His eyebrows rose at the ramifications.

"Can we just call this a temporary change?" Her hands fluttered in a very un-Inara like way. Mal recognized the odd look in her eyes. It had been there the night before when he'd pushed about why she was sleeping in the engine room.

"'Nara, it's all right." He got up and moved to where she was sitting. He took her hands in his and held them until she calmed down. "I'm not tryin' to dig, or push 'bout why your…the shuttle upsets ya. I just keep remembering that when you sent that wave you told me ya missed it." He hoped it was true, and that she'd missed more than the shuttle.

"I did, I do, there are things about it I missed very much." It was the shuttle that had brought Mal into her life and she missed the times they'd talk in the quiet of a place she'd made into a home. What she hadn't realized was that it was only home because it was located on _Serenity_. "This…I can't..." She was still spinning from their discoveries on Miranda. Her world had been torn to shreds and she was unsure of almost everything in her life. "For the moment, let's just say it's temporary."

"Sounds fine to me." Though it wasn't really fine. He used to take joy in trying to break though 'Nara's calm cool exterior, now that it had happened, it didn't set well with him. "Best we get to the table before Jayne eats all the breakfast."

…………………………………………

As they weaponed up, River stood in the middle of Jayne's bunk carefully checking each gun he handed her. She'd seen him examine each round of ammunition, flick-on the safety, load the gun, and then go over his work a second time. When it came to weapons the man was very careful, but her training had kicked in and no matter how much she trusted him or what she'd seen with her own eyes, once she had the instrument of death in her hands she ran through the process one more time.

"I got one more thing for ya, Girlie." The Merc reached into the top drawer of his dresser and pulled out a long thin-bladed knife. "It ain't exactly a sti-letto, like ya drawed for me, but I been working on it. See what ya think." They'd carefully gone over all his knives a few days earlier, but had found nothing that could be worn strapped to her leg. Jayne's taste in blades ran to the big hefty sort. Any number of them was weighted correctly for throwing, but River hadn't found one she was comfortable with.

"It's beautiful." She balanced it in the palm of her hand testing the feel of it. "Where did you get it?"

"I did some work on that one knife that was almost right. Slimmed down the blade a mite, and then shortened it so it would fit under your skirt. The grip gave me the most trouble. It needed to be smaller, but still have the weight so the balance was right." He'd been afraid she wouldn't like it, but her sunny smile told him otherwise. "Here, I got this from Inara." He handed her a specially constructed black garter. It was made of some strong stretchy material he didn't recognize, but he knew exactly what it was for.

"Oh that will be perfect." Right then and there River slipped out of her right boot, pulled her skirt up and slipped the weapon carrier over her creamy skin until it gripped her thigh. "And the stiletto fits perfectly, see!" She grinned sliding it between her skin and the 1 ½ inch high band. Smiling, she quickly executed a round-house kick, then spun around and kicked from behind.

"_Made,_" he muttered as his eyes slammed closed and something flipped over in his stomach. River wasn't wearing her black shorts and he'd gotten a peek of things he shouldn't 'a seen. He finally understood why Mal had looked like he was gonna pass out when Inara had lifted her skirt exposed most of her leg and pulled off the black strap. He didn't think the Captain had even noticed the small gun she'd placed on the table "Girlie," his voice was deep and dark like he'd had to work hard to find the words. "That just ain't appropriate in my bunk."

"Ah…sorry," she answered as her throat closed up. For one moment she had forgotten where she was or more correctly _when_ she was. The familiar hug of the stiletto to her thigh took her back in time, but the presence and scent of the man standing a foot away from her had taken her into the future. She'd forgotten they were still walking the same path, but he had yet to catch up with her.


	9. Bridges And Storms

**Disclaimer:** The 'verse and everyone in it belongs so Joss  
**Rating:** PG-13 - If anyone things this needs to be rated higher let me know and I'll change it.  
**Pairings:** Jayne/River with a tad of Mal/Inara  
**Beta:** My Magic Beta Lady: Ceslas

_**Voices And Visions**_

By

_Lattelady_

**Ch 9 Bridges And Storms**

The cargo bay was quiet despite the tension of getting ready to go out on a job. Jayne was transferring crates from the smuggler's hold to the mule. As soon as he'd opened the bay doors, he'd lit the stogie that was clamped between his teeth. He was doing heavy work, so his long oilskin drover coat was slung over his weight bench. Every so often he'd stop and stare at the weather. The storm had let up some, but in his opinion, the moon was a shit hole. There were pools the size of small lakes dotting the thick red mud for as far as the eye could see. It looked like it had been raining for months.

Kaylee was under the mule with a wrench giving the machine a last minute check. She knew there was nothing wrong with it, because she'd been over it twenty times in the last week, but she was nervous and trying not to show it. The small task gave her something to occupy her hands. Everything was different and it was giving her a heavy feeling in her chest. She just wanted them to get on their merry. She'd always felt like that when the Captain, Zoë and Jayne would head out on a job 'a crime, but today it was worse because River was going with them and Wash was gone. She sighed and rubbed her forehead, unknowingly smudging it with grease, when she thought about the man who had been like an older brother to her. All the hundreds of hours they'd spent together worrying, waiting, never sure if the people they loved would be returning in one piece or even returning at all. It made her sick at heart to know he was one who hadn't returned despite never having left.

River stood quietly beside the Mechanic's legs. The girl had put her light gray sweatshirt with the zip front, over the side of the mule, though she doubted it would protect her much in the rain. There was a large automatic rifle hanging from a strap over her shoulder. She had the bandolier which Jayne had cut down to size for her, crossing her upper torso, filled with reloads,. Her long brown hair was pulled back from her face with the large ivory clip Inara had given her weeks ago for working in the conduits. She was wearing the dress she'd worn during the fight in The Maidenhead. She'd had two of approximately the same fit and cut, but she'd been unable to get Reaver blood out of her green one. The overly large dresses Simon had purchased for her not long after arriving on Serenity were inappropriate for hand-to-hand combat.

At the moment she was concentrating, trying to calm the turmoil she felt pressing in all around. It was difficult because everyone was nervous so their thoughts were loud and accompanied by emotions, which slammed into her until it was hard to breathe. She already knew there were going to be problems with the exchange. She'd felt it in the air when the bay doors had opened and had warned the Captain. Unfortunately, she had no clear vision of what those troubles would be.

The weight of her weapon felt familiar and the stiletto strapped to her right thigh was comforting, but they made her feel displaced in time. In an attempt to return to the present, she took a deep breath and watched her finger move in slow circles against a scratched spot in the yellow paint on the mule.

"River," Kaylee reluctantly got to her feet and took another good look out the bay doors. "I got a rain jacket…River…?"

"Hey, Girlie," Jayne gently covered her shoulder with his hand. He felt her jump at his touch and looked more closely at her. "Kaylee's talkin' ta ya."

River's blank expression was replaced with an automatic smile, but the Merc took a second look, 'cause he knew that her lips may 'a moved, but the girl weren't happy. It made him even twitchier when he looked into her eyes and all that stared back was flat dead pools 'a brown. He'd seen 'em like that before and it weren't good.

"I said I got a rain jacket, ya should wear it. It suits this kind 'a weather better than that gray thing ya got with ya." The Mechanic grinned back at her friend. "Captain ain't here yet, so I got time ta fetch it. Be right back." She headed up the stairs, glad for something to do.

"You okay, Girlie?" The big man kept 'a hold 'a her shoulder and took a step closer to her. Somethin' was eatin' at her and he didn't like it one bit. "It ain't too late ta call it off. You can stay here."

"No," she whispered. "I am fine."

"You sure 'bout that?" He gave her his blackest glare and cupped her chin so she couldn't look away from him.

_"'If you take muddy water and still it, it gradually becomes clear. If you bring something to rest in order to move it, it gradually comes alive.'"_

"Huh!" His head snapped back and he blinked. "You goin' bat shit on us?"

"Lao-Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher and great samurai." She relaxed and Jayne could see she was back in the moment. "He knew that one must be calm at the center in order to prevail."

"Well my center would be ruttin' calmer if you didn't go spouting all that stuff when we could be needed ya as a gun hand, _dong ma_." He wondered if he'd ever understand her.

"All right, but it is necessary for me to concentrate on what is to come." She stepped away from him and gazed out the bay doors.

"Yeah, Mal told me and Zoë, but I don't think he's gonna tell the others. They get a mite twitchy about that kind 'a thing." He tried to look irritated, but deep inside it was nice that there were folks that bothered to care 'bout his sorry ass. "Girlie, if'n it's easier for ya, don't worry 'bout what ya might pick up from us. Just do your reader-thing. 'Course I don't want ya to go deliberately diggin' 'round in my head." He shrugged. "Just do what ya got to do!"

"Thank you and it may come to that when we get to the drop site, but until then it is confusing if there are too many voices speaking to me at once." She already knew how much he hated the idea of her hearing his thoughts, but it was getting harder and harder to keep him out. The others had distinct mental signatures, as she'd told Zoë the day before, but Jayne's was beginning to blur and surround her. She was afraid there would be a time when she'd be completely engulfed.

"Here ya go, Sweetie," Kaylee called out as she ran down the stairs carrying a sickly pea-green nylon jacket. "Ain't very pretty, but it'll keep the water out." The Mechanic handed the younger woman the three-quarter length coat. "It's kind 'a big, cause we ain't the same size." She looked over at the Mercenary pulling on his large drover and smiled. "Since it's a bit big on ya, it'll cover all your guns and such. Jayne told me that's why his coat is big. His weren't a hand-me-down or bought second-hand at a market stall. He ordered it special."

"Hump, mines big 'cause I'm a big guy," he grunted, though it was true that he'd bought it the next size up and never wore the liner in it, no matter how cold it was. Getting cold was one thing, getting dead 'cause he didn't have an extra gun was a whole n'other matter. "It makes me look all manly and mean." He straightened the collar and cape on his drover and readjusted Vera to be sure she was within easy reach despite being under his coat.

"Thank you, it is much appreciated." River slipped on Kaylee's offering. Once it was in place she could see that there were three small balloons imprinted on the left breast pocket. They were white, yellow and pink. "And it is very much you." She smiled. "I'll take good care of it."  
……………………………………………….  
"Ya know the coordinates of the drop?" Mal looked at Inara as she sat in the pilot's seat. "And that you can't get any closer than five hundred meters due to the terrain?"

"Yes, for the hundredth time, I know the coordinates and I know about the terrain." What she didn't know was how much longer she could keep from losing her temper.

"Keep the communicator handy and don't let anyone go wanderin' about or open the bay doors, 'till we get back."

She didn't even bother to answer, just crossed her arms and glared.

"The emergency sequence is…" he reached in front of her and began pointing to buttons.

"I know the emerg…" her angry voice trailed to a gasp as another thought struck her. "What aren't you telling me?" The Companion was getting a sick feeling in her stomach. She'd seen him in a rushed conference with Zoë and Jayne shortly after breakfast, but she knew they had a tendency to do that before heading out on a job.

"There's lots 'a thing I haven't told ya, but then the same could be said 'bout you not tellin' me." He tried to bluff his way through the situation by coming at her with a personal remark, but it didn't work. She grabbed the cuff of his coat in both hands. The rolled back lining was soft and smooth against her skin. It made her hope, that like his long leather coat, under his rough scratchy exterior, there was another side to Malcolm Reynolds that he didn't show to the 'verse.

"Mal, you know something." She looked at him with frightened eyes. "You better tell me what it is right now. I'm the one who's going to have to fly your precious boat to pull you out, if things go pear shaped."

"Pear shaped, ya know that's an expression I never…." He looked her full in the face and could see that his stall tactics weren't working. "'Nara I don't have time for this." In desperation he tried to pull free of her grip, but she held on tighter.

"You had time for all the other nonsense." She stood quickly and yanked his arm closer accidentally hitting her left side with it. She cried out as pinpricks of black exploded behind her eye lids and pain shot from her broken ribs down to her toes.

"Easy darlin'." Mal gently wrapped his arms around her, afraid she was going to fall. "I got ya."

"I'm all right. I'm all right," she gasped, but held on tightly to his lapel with one hand as she pressed the other to her side. She wasn't completely convinced her knees wouldn't give way, so she leaned her head against him until she was sure she was under control and her breathing was back to normal.

"Not so much darlin', white as a sheet ain't your usual color." He shook his head as he helped her back into her seat. "I didn't mean ta do ya harm."

"We definitely don't have time for _that_ conversation." She quickly wiped away a tear that had filled her right eye and was threatening to overflow. "Please, just tell me what's happened. I won't tell the others. Simon would go crazy if he knew that something may be wrong."

Mal's shoulders slumped. He couldn't hide anything from this woman and it irked and pleased him at the same time. He held her hand in both of his and absentmindedly moved his thumbs in tiny circles over her palm. "Little Albatross didn't say much. Only that things wouldn't go smoothly. She's in the bay right now tryin' to get a better idea of what's going on. Best as I can recall, from when she's gotten these strange feelin's in the past, she won't know the particulars until it's almost upon her. No wonder the poor kid was crazy."

"Thank you," she smiled, though it took all of her effort and training to do so. "Please try not to get shot this time."

"I'll do my best, 'Nara." He grinned at her and gave her hand a squeeze before he left. He could hear Jayne bellowing his name from the bay.  
…………………………………………………   
The mule had been running for about ten minutes and they still had a way to go. Mal was driving. Zoë rode shotgun, with Jayne and River in the back with the cargo. The Merc had deliberately loaded the boxes so she'd have to sit almost pressed against him. In the past, he knew he would have put one of the crates in the middle and the rest on the floor at her feet, to keep her as far away as possible. He told himself the only reason he hadn't done that was because it was easier to fit the protective tarp over all of the boxes, if they were shoved together.

The big man looked at the young woman beside him. She hadn't said a word or moved since he'd helped her aboard. She was leaning forward, staring straight ahead. She hadn't bothered with those odd goggles she'd become attached to, just ignored the rain and wind as they whipped along. Her hands gripped the seat on either side of her until her knuckles had turned white. She had Kaylee's coat fastened up tight, but the Merc could see her shivering. Her hair was getting wetter by the minute and rain drops ran down her face and neck. He reached over and turned up the collar of her jacket, wishing it had fasteners like his did. She didn't move or acknowledge his presence even when he lifted her wet hair out of the way. It was tearing at his gut to see her like that. Finally he reached down and covered her right hand with his left. Jayne felt her stiffen slightly and then relax. She didn't change her position or look at him, but very slowly turned her hand over and laced her fingers tightly between his.

River was faced with a dilemma. Before the Academy she had been a person, whole and separate unto herself, but to everyone, except possibly Simon, that girl was dead. Then she'd become The Subject, someone who killed with no conscience. She didn't want to be that woman, but was she irrevocable, and forever The Subject?

She was being overwhelmed with a vision of the battle on Mr. Universe's moon, because it was there she'd given up trying to be the person her brother wanted her to be and had slipped back into the Alliance created thing. It had been necessary, if she were to vanquish the Reavers. Her fear was that because she'd resurrected the mindless killer to save her brother and their friends, that she lost herself in the process. The question that ate at her now was did she have the ability to do it again and still remain the girl she had become on _Serenity_? The girl she wanted badly to be, the girl she had seen in her vision of the future, dying old, beside the man she loved.

She was losing her internal battle. She knew she had the skills of a killer and a very good one. Those skills had been forced into her mind by people who excelled in their professions. In the past she'd carried out mindless orders, much like she had in The Maidenhead. She considered herself lucky that it was only her dreams that were haunted by the things she'd done when the Blue Hands had been pulling her strings.

The closer the mule got to their destination, the more River worried about her past. Then she became aware of rain on her face and large fingers that brushed against her cheek, as they pulled at her collar to get it up, against her neck in an attempt to keep the water out. Once that was done a warm hand covered hers. It rocked her to the core and silenced her inner fear. Slowly she turned her hand over. When their palms lay flat against one another, she laced her fingers through his and held on for dear life. She could feel the leather of his half-glove soft against her skin and the strength of his callused fingers as they held her tightly. For one moment she took what was being offered and let herself sink into Jayne. He surrounded her and brought her peace. The answer was clear. The man who was gently offering her his strength, killed, but he wasn't a cold-blooded killer. The difference lay with choice. She'd chosen this; deliberately decided to use the skills of The Subject, but she was determined to think as the woman, not the programmed assassin.

River felt her muscles relax. She leaned back against her seat with her shoulder brushing against Jayne's as she turned to face him. "Thank you," she whispered and gave his hand an extra squeeze.

"You back with us, Girlie?" He looked her over carefully. He didn't know where her mind had taken her, but he was ruttin' sure it weren't anyplace pretty.

"Yes." She nodded. As she let her thoughts move out from the warm safe protection he provided her, she discovered that with her skin against his, things were quiet and simple. "The muddy waters have stilled and become clear. My mind is at rest and alive." She paraphrased Lao-Tzu's words from earlier and applied them to the ease of which she was able to think while gripping tightly to Jayne's hand.

"You're a piece 'a work, Girlie." But even as he said it, he ran his thumb over the back of her hand, refusing to set her free.

"Zoë," River shouted as she leaned forward. "Tell the Captain that there are three extra men hiding behind the rocks to the north of the drop site. They plan to ambush us after the goods are revealed, but before the credits are handed over."  
Mal brought the mule to a halt. "They set up yet, Little Witch?" He looked through the rain and could see the dusky blue outline of the small mountain range they were headed toward.

"Yes," River squinted as if she could make eyes see, what her mind knew to be true. "But they aren't watching for you. They believe this moon's inhospitable weather conditions will make you rush and be careless."

"All right, here's the plan." The Captain had thought for a moment and then looked at each of them. "We'll leave the goods in the mule, parked at the mouth of the ravine. River, can ya guard it and still feel for trouble, like ya just done?"

"Yes, sir." She nodded in response.

"Good, when we call for ya on your earpiece, come in right quick, unless Jayne tells ya otherwise." They all knew she was well able to handle the mule even in these conditions. She had usually driven when Inara had gone on her shopping trips while _Serenity_ had been in the repair yard. The man in the long brown coat turned his attention to his hired muscle. "Jayne you go up, over the rocks and see if you can get em in your sights from above. You got your listenin' device with ya?"

"Sure do Mal." He pulled the small receiver and microphone outta his pocket and placed it firmly in his ear.

"Okay, then give a holler when you're in place. Once this thing goes down, you're gonna be our look-out. If things appear the least bit odd, let us know and don't let River drive down the canyon, no matter what ya hear me sayin', _dong ma_." Then he flashed a grin to the woman beside him. "Zoë, you and I'll walk straight in once we know Jayne's set-up"

"Such fun, how can I ever thank you?" The First-Mate looked over the side at the deep mud.

"By seein' I don't get shot," he smirked at her and reached to put the engine in gear. "One more thing, all 'a you. No gunplay if we can avoid it." Mal looked over his shoulder at the two in the back seat. "An honest day 'a thievin' would be a nice change from folks always tryin' to cheat us outta our share."

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up to the base of the rocky incline. Everyone but River hopped out and sank into the mud to their ankles.

"You take care, Girlie." Jayne looked at her sitting high above him in the mule. "And stay outta this stuff if ya can, you'd sink ta your knees."

"Your quarry is a quarter of a mile in, but part way up the slope." She had been studying the path the Merc was going to take. "You should be able to stay above them with no problem."

He nodded at the girl and turned to work his way to the rocks. Thirty minutes later the other two headed out into the mist. River looked over the side of the Mule and shook her head at the mess that passed for solid ground. She quickly pulled off her boots and socks, took off Kaylee's jacket and jumped over the side. Her feet landed with a resounding plop in the cold red clay mixed with soil. It ran between her toes, and over the tops of her feet and ankles. It was heavy work, sloshing through the mud that sucked at her feet as she tried to lift them. Made all the harder because she was carrying all of her weapons, but she ignored it. She was in hunter mode. Her goal was a large boulder not far from where Jayne had started his ascent. It was optimally placed for guarding their belongings and in the storm she would blend well enough that it gave her cover.

Once she was in position, flat on her belly, curved across the top of the rock, she stared down the barrel of her automatic rifle until the notch at the tip framed her world. Her mind circled until she was surrounded. She picked up eight distinct mental signatures. First there was the familiar warm presence of Jayne, Mal, and Zoë. She felt the sudden hushed silence of the three men who were hiding to ambush her friends. Then there where the other two who were being loud, making no attempt at quieting their voices and their minds shouted their greed.

She lay in the rain for forty-five minutes never moving a muscle. The last ten, as Mal and the leader haggled, then suddenly gunfire erupted. Jayne began to curse and all hell broke out. In an effort to maintain her concentration River pulled her earpiece free and relied only on her mental powers.

"Girlie," Jayne yelled, as Vera rained fire on the rocks below him. "One 'a them got past me. Don't know if he's headed your way, but watch your back!" The words jumped at her from all directions. She was never sure if the warning came from her mic that dangled against her left breast, or if she had read his thoughts.

Something cold and clammy that had nothing to do with the storm slithered up her spine. She crawled down from her perch until she was protected on all sides. Soon she heard running feet coming from above. Instinctively she reached for her stiletto and whipped around. As the strange man pulled his gun, she threw the blade. It landed deep in his right shoulder and his pistol hit the ground about the same time his body did.

"Oh no you don't." She ran and kicked his weapon out of reach and pointed her rifle at his heart. "Your choice this time, live or die?"

"Girlie," Jayne shouted as he scrambled down the muddy tract he'd climbed almost an hour earlier, but this time he had Vera cocked and ready to fire, unsure of what he'd find when he arrived at the mule. "_Cao ni zuxian shi ba dai_, Girlie, where the hell are you?" he called into his mic, but no reassuring voice answered in his ear.

Five minutes, and much swearing later, he was almost where he'd begun his climb.

"Girlie, gorramnit, where the hell are ya?" he growled

"Here," she called, without taking her eyes or her aim off of the man who was writhing in pain at her feet.

"Why the ruttin' hell ain't you answered any 'a us? We been callin' ya." The big man moved around the boulder that was blocking River from view. "Mal," he yelled into his tiny communicator. "Girlie is okay. She wounded another 'a them _hundans_. Want we should come after ya?"

"I've been occupied, as well." She moved to the man on the ground and pulled her stiletto out of his shoulder and wiped the blade on his shirt. "You're gift was most useful, Jayne." She smiled at her partner.

Half an hour later, they were headed back to the boat. Mal and Zoë had brought the three other survivors of the ambush to the mouth of the canyon. The Captain had given them his, _'We do a job, we get paid,'_ speech. They made the exchange and were on their way just as the rain began to pound down in sharp fast needle-point drops that didn't look like it would be stopping anytime soon.

Jayne turned to River and he didn't think he'd ever seen a wetter more bedraggled sight in all his life. She'd pulled Kaylee's rain jacket on and had just finished letting the storm wash the mud off her bare feet. In the downpour it hadn't taken long. She was moving to hook her heels on the seat with her knees bent and legs pressed against her chest under the coat, but she was shivering until he was surprised he didn't hear her bones rattle.

"C'mere." He reached for her and pulled her across his lap, opening his large oilskin drover. With a practiced flick of his thumb, he unfastened Vera's shoulder strap-hook and placed her where the girl had been sitting. "Take that wet think off 'a ya, the rain's slidin' down your collar somethin' fierce. And you're turnin' blue." He was offering to share not only protection from the storm, but his body heat as well. "Some killer woman you are. Why'd the gorramn hell did ya take that thing off ta begin with. Ya look like a drowned rat."

"If it had come to hand-to-hand combat, I wouldn't have been able to move freely." She looked at him sure he would understand and he did. Their eyes met and he nodded as he wound his hand in her hair. The clip she'd been wearing in it popped open and fell onto his thumb. With a quick maneuver he didn't understand he clamped down on the three-inch long piece of ivory and metal to prevent it from bouncing off her shoulder onto her lap. After he'd pulled the wet chocolate waves off her back and out of his coat, he stealthily put the clamp into his pocket.

"Ya did a right fine job with that fancy knife 'a yours." He wrapped both arms around her, pulled at the coat's deep cape, smoothing it over his shoulders to be sure she was buried under both layers of oilskin.

"I was glad to have had the stiletto, thank you very much, Jayne." She almost gasped as she absorbed his body heat. It made her dizzy and felt wonderful.

"Glad ta have been 'a help. Now let's see if we can't get this thing closed," he craned his neck as he struggled with the six inch wide snap-down flap that kept water from leaching through the zipper, but it wasn't big enough to completely protect them both. "Scoot a mite closer, Girlie. You're small, but you ain't child-sized. We can make this fit 'round the both of us if'n we put our minds ta it."

"At least there's one person around here who doesn't think of me as a child," she muttered and pressed tighter against him.

"Considerin' the way I got ya snuggled up against me…." he didn't finish that sentence and hoped she didn't hear what he'd been 'bout ta say. "Just keep ya hands ta yourself," he gasped to hide his shiver of pleasure as she slipped her arms around his waist. In his fight with one of the men, his shirt had pulled free of his cargo pants and he could feel her touch move over his bare skin as she wiggled her wet body closer.

"It is very difficult, given the…" she looked up at him needing to see reassurance in his eyes, as she turned completely at the waist, plastering her chest against his.

"Yeah, well…just keep ya head down or I'll never get this thing closed." He ran his fingers through her hair and cupped her scalp in one large hand as he guided her, until her face was buried in his neck. Not even thinking, he picked up the discarded coat beside him and covered her legs "Almost got it, River," he whispered in her ear as he hugged her tighter with one hand pressing against her back. It did the trick. The flap met the other side of his coat. He kept telling himself to concentrate on trying ta get the thing snapped and not to think about her nipples pressin' hard and chilled against him, but he wasn't doin a good job 'a that. He finally gave up. The material had very little give in it and it wasn't gonna stretch ta fasten the snaps least ways not if'n they wanted ta breathe. He figured he'd just have to keep his arms 'round her tight. His legs were exposed from the knees down, but at least she was covered. "You doin' okay in there?" he murmured pressing his mouth against the side of her face.

"Yes, thank you, much warmer now," her voice drifted up and was almost lost in the sound of the rain.

"Good, this here thing should keep the both of us dry." _'That's all he was doin','_ he kept repeating to himself, _'I'm just keepin' Girlie dry and warm.'_ It didn't help his frame of mind any that he could feel her soft womanly parts pressed against his harder man ones. But over the last few days he'd become a master at lying to himself where she was concerned. He just had ta keep it up a bit longer. _'Just keepin' her warm and dry, ain't enjoyin' it a bit.'_

_Serenity_ was only a darker smudge between raindrops when Jayne felt River begin to cry. It was almost his undoing. Her hands gripped the back of his T-shirt at the waist and he could feel her tears against his neck. As he nuzzled her hair and gripped her tighter, she froze and her back stiffened, trying to put some space between them, embarrassed that she'd lost control when things had gone so well.

"S'okay," he whispered as he eyed the occupants of the front seat. "I got ya. No one knows but old Jayne." Much to his relief, she relaxed against him and let him feel the shudders that racked her body. "I'll give ya a warnin' before we get home."   
…………………………………………………  
Fifteen minutes later they pulled into the cargo bay. All of them were soaked and Mal and Zoë were covered in mud. The Captain set the brake and shook his head sending water flying. He grabbed his communicator and called Inara on bridge. "We're all here. Get us outta the world. One 'a us'll be up to break atmo."

"River, where is River?" Simon yelled over the rumble of the bay doors and looked again into the mule, but all he saw were Mal, Zoë, and Jayne.

"Relax, Doc, she is right here and did great." The Captain stood and turned as he felt his boat slowly take-off. "What the gorramn hell….?" he shouted and covered his mouth to keep from laughing. "You expectin' or somethin'?" there was a girl-sized bulge in the Mercenary's coat and long wet brown hair that no one could mistake for belongin' to his hired muscle trailing down the man's front. It was Zoë's snort that made the Browncoat do a double take. It was as close to a laugh, as he'd heard, from his First-Mate since Wash had died.

"Yeah, right, very funny, hardy-har-har." The Merc grimaced. He'd deliberately given Girlie a few extra moments to get herself together. He felt her wiping her eyes against the neckline of his shirt and at her slight nod he unwrapped her. "Here ya go, Doc, got a present for ya, all safe and sound. But the next time we take her out into the rain, she needs ta be wearing somethin' that'll keep her dry."

"Thank you, Jayne. I appreciate your kindness of sharing your coat with me." She kept her head slightly bowed as if she were embarrassed, but he knew it was because her eyes was likely ta be red and puffy. "Captain, since the rest of you are covered in mud, I shall help Inara break atmo." The small woman hopped off the mule and before anyone could say anything, she glided up the stairs in typical River fashion.

Simon glared at the grinning Merc, more out of habit than anger. The Doc knew that the coat his sister had shared with the large man was roomy, _but_…he couldn't make his mind go where that _'but'_ led. He settled for shaking his head and slowly closing his eyes. He knew that he wanted no knowledge of what had transpired in the back of the mule. There were some things a brother was better off not knowing!   
……………………………………………….  
Hours after dinner, Jayne wandered into the cargo bay. It was quiet and he figured everyone was sleepin', or should be. Though they'd all been wet muddy messes, when they'd arrived back at the boat, no one had been hurt. They all figured a large part of that was due to Girlie's reader abilities. It didn't mean the job had been easy, or that there hadn't been gunplay, two men had died and others were wounded; but none 'a the crew had ended up in the infirmary and that was a nice change.

The Merc didn't think either Mal or Zoë were aware of what the girl had gone through on the way out, but he was, and it worried him some. He was surprised that she wasn't kickin' that bag he'd hung for her to keep the nightmares away, 'cause he'd bet his share of the take that she'd be havin' them tonight.

Noise from where the mule was chained into place made him start and he reach for a gun that wasn't on his hip. As his eyes adjusted to the dark corner he realized that River was up there climbing around. "What ya doin', Girlie."

"I'm looking for the hair clip Inara gave me." She stood on the back seat and looked over her shoulder at the man fifteen feet below her. "It wasn't in my hair when we returned to _Serenity_. I was hoping it was in here someplace."

"That mule is still covered in mud. I've gotta clean it out tomorrow. I'll look for your gorramn hair thing then." He tried not to sound too guilty, 'cause he knew exactly were it was. It was in the top drawer of his dresser.

"But what if you can't find it?" She pouted.

"Then I'll buy you a new one," he snapped. It bothered him that he'd taken it. It bothered him more that he'd felt the need to. "Just get down before you end up covered in that damn red mud."

River gave her sweatpants a tug to keep them in place, since they were a bit large and tended to sit on her hip bones, then stepped to the running board, her body facing the mule. She bent at the waist until she gripped the board between her feet and let her legs drop. Her body stretched out as she swung suspended over the deck. Her plan had been to let go and let gravity take over, but suddenly two large hands held her tightly around the waist.

"You tryin' ta give me a heart attack?" Jayne gasped as she let go of the mule and he supported her slight weight until her feet were on the deck.

"That would not be optimal. Thank you for the assistance, but I climb in and out of it all the time like that."

"Girlie, you're enough to drive a man to drink." He reached for one of the mats they used when sparring and spread it out by a pile a crates on the long side of the room.

"We can't spar tonight. Inara is in the infirmary. We would wake her. Simon re-knit her ribs since she is no longer sleeping in the hammock." She smiled at the Merc as he sat with his back resting against the boxes and she joined him. "The Captain just fell asleep on the couch in the lounge, as well, so we mustn't be too loud."

"How did ya know that?" He glanced at her sideways.

"His mind suddenly became quiet so I checked on him and he was sleeping. I took the blanket from my old room and covered him up."

"I ain't even gonna ask ya what he's doin' there. It don't take no reader to figure that one out."

"I wouldn't tell you anyway." She smiled but didn't meet his eyes.

"You gonna be all right if ya can't use the punchin' bag?" Jayne watched her examine her thumb nails carefully. He knew it meant that something was bothering her.

"I don't know." She shoved hair behind her ears. In the last weeks she'd gotten used to wearing it neatly clipped back. "I…haven't attempted to sleep because I am unsure what is waiting for me there."

"C'mere," he slapped his legs and gripped her upper arms to turn her around and pulled her down so her head was on one thigh and her shoulders on the other. He knew he was too gorramn big for her to use as a proper pillow. She'd end up with a crick in her neck if she didn't support her shoulders on somethin'. He gently pulled her hair out from under her back. It was to gorramn tempting, for him not to touch the silky strands.

River reached for his right hand and examined it carefully. "You've got beautiful hands. But you always hide them behind those big old gloves of yours."

"T'ain't nothin' beautiful 'bout me." He tried to glare but it was hard when all he wanted to do was moan as her fingers ran lightly over his. It was giving him all sorts of ideas that weren't proper.

"You can tell a lot about a man by his hands," she whispered.

Jayne raised an eyebrow and looked at her, daring her to say the usual. _'That you could tell the size of a man's cock by the size 'a his hands.'_

"Your hands are large, but I can tell from the smirk on your face you've heard that one before, so you should know that according to statistics the obvious comparison is based on male boasting and not fact." She placed her palm against his and compared the difference ignoring his snort and muttered words. "You're hands are muscular, which means you're a hard worker. This ridge of calluses is from your weights." She ran a dainty nail where his fingers met his palm. "You've got long strong fingers. In another life you could have been a master of the pianoforte, but in this one you handle large weapons with ease." She turned his hand over and inspected the other side. "You have clean well-groomed nails and that is unusual in a man who works with his hands. It tells me there is more to Jayne Cobb than meets the eye."

"Hump," he grunted. "What would a Core girl like you know 'bout a workin' man's hands?"

"I may have grown up in luxury, but I have always been observant." She shrugged off his comment and continued her studying. "What fascinates me most is their agility and power."

"You're just talkin' nonsense, Girlie," he laughed quietly. "Ain't never heard of a woman who was attracted to hands afore."

"There's always a first time…" As she said it all the air left her lungs and her eyes turned flat and sad. He could tell she was remembering today and all that had happened. He'd keep her nightmares away, if he could. He hated seein' her shakin' and broken.

"Yeah, first times, you did mighty fine today. If ya want ta sleep, go right ahead. I'm here, it's the least I can do ta help ya tonight." He looked down at her, thankful that she had her zip-up sweatshirt on over those tiny tops she'd taken to wearing in the evenings, even if it was only fastened to just below her breasts. It covered her and he remembered all too well how her nipples felt pressed against his chest when she'd been chilled. He didn't need to be seein' what he shouldn't touch.

"But you already helped, more than you know." She turned her head toward him and her cheek brushed against the sizable limp in his cargo pants that she'd just dismissed as male boasting. Her eyes flutter closed and she took a deep breath.

"All I did was try ta warm ya up and keep ya from catchin' your death in that ruttin storm." He wasn't sure what to do with his hands, but he knew what he wanted to do with them. It was hard for him when she still had a grip on one 'a his.

"You saw me through two storms today. Three if you count the rain."

"I did?" He couldn't stand it anymore, and began running his left hand through her hair. Starting at the scalp, his fingers felt for the scars he'd begun to find yesterday. He explored until he found another, and gently rubbed trying to make it go away. Then he ran his hand down the length of chocolate colored silk before reaching for her head and starting over again.

She laced her fingers through his and looked directly up into blue fire. "That." She shook their clasped hands. "That was what brought me through the first storm."

"You weren't lookin' so good and shiverin' somethin' fierce." He didn't want ta remember her the way she'd been as they headed out ta the job, but he couldn't help it. His hand was still moving against her scars and through her hair. His legs were crossed at the ankles. As she held his palm she began to massage it with both of her thumbs. Her fingers supported the other side. He groaned slightly and hoped she didn't hear it. He never knew it felt so good havin' his hand rubbed.

"I know I approached the Captain about participating in our less than legal endeavors. At the time it was a very logical decision. I still believe it was the right one to make. But today was difficult. I had not anticipated being haunted by my past." She kept massaging as she talked, but suddenly she had Jayne's complete attention.

"What was ya thinkin' about?" He never stopped playing with her hair, attempting to keep her calm.

"It was foolish really to imagine that I could use my skills and not remember the battle on Mr. Universe's moon, not the one with the Reavers, the one with myself." She smiled and shook her head slightly.

"I remember ya had a gun in your hand and ya kept looking at it as if you'd never seen it afore." Jayne could still see and hear that fight, but he'd been concentrating on shootin' and hadn't paid much attention to the girl.

"If you had known what was going through my head you would have put a bullet in my brain. I remember watching, assessing, processing information, as if I were two people. The part of me who had the skills to have helped you, admired the defensible perimeter you, Zoë and the Captain set up. That part of me was detached and unafraid. I knew exactly what to do with the weapon in my hand. The other part of me, who was still River, was comforted by your abilities; sure that you knew how to keep me safe when living, breathing versions of my worst nightmares were about to attack."

"Oh God, _bâob_-River, those _chusheng xai-jiao de xiang huo_, shouldn't 'a been in your head." He gripped the hands that were holding his and put his other one on her forehead. He needed to see her eyes. Were they dead, or the shining brown he admired so? He leaned over until he was inches from her face, relieved at what he saw. "If I ever get my hands on any 'a those _heishoudaang liumang_ that done that ta ya, they'll wish they was dead a hundred times over afore I'm done with 'em."

"But you've already saved me, don't you see. Today I couldn't pull my mind back from that moment and the fears it brought." She'd unknowingly pressed his hand between her breasts and held it tightly in place. He wasn't sure he could breathe.

"I…didn't…all I did was take your hand." He swallowed and hoped she couldn't feel what was going on in his pants one inch away from her ear.

"Let me tell it all and then maybe you'll understand." River went back to massaging his palm, holding his hand out in front of her, afraid she would break again, if she told anyone the truth and didn't have something to distract her. "The cold-blooded killer in me stood back and watched as the Reavers pounded on the walls. The me, who was River, screamed in terror about all the voices, but not just the dead on Miranda. They were joined by the darker, colder Killer Woman Subject that was yelling at me to let her out. I knew I had the skills to help you that day, just as I did today, but I was afraid that if I used them, they would control me. I remember crouching behind the barricade and praying. _'Oh God, make me stone. Don't let me kill again.'_ I kept on praying after we retreated behind the blast doors." There were tears filling her eyes, but she didn't realize it. Jayne wiped them gently from her cheeks and went back to slowly running his hand through her hair as her soft voice took him back to that terrible day.

"Shepherd Book used to say that God always answers our prayers, but not necessarily as we wanted them to be answered. It was like that, when Simon was shot. My brother had given up everything for me, the least I could do was the same. I took the chance and touched the person who the Alliance had created. I would protect my brother even if it meant the government took me back or that it would be necessary for someone to destroy me."

"All this was goin' through your head as we headed out ta the job this morning?" He couldn't conjure why she hadn't been screamin, beggin' the Captain ta take her back to the ship.

"Yes," she nodded. "When I fought the Reavers both sides of me worked together. The part of me that was River was stronger than I realized because I could silence The Subject as she whispered to me. Trying to tell me that once the nightmares were destroyed, I had six more to kill before the assignment was over."

"You was close to it that day, I could see it in your eyes," he whispered.

"Not as close as I feared." River smiled reassuringly as she was soothed by his touch and the ability to touch him. "All of the sudden it was quiet. I stood alone with nothing but dead bodies. Then there was the rumble of blast doors opening and an explosion of Alliance grappling hooks as the troops came through the wall behind me. Blood was in the air, on my hands, arms and clothes. I remember looking over my shoulder at the soldiers knowing that all I had to do was raise my blades and it would end. No more decisions, no more inner arguments, no more Blue Hands, just death, my death. But something called to me and I turned away from the light, and looked into the room. I saw all of you and knew if the Alliance troops began shooting you would all die. That's when I won. I let the weapons slip from my hands. I had learned something new. I had killed, but only those who were necessary. I took back control of my life. I was River again, changed, but River. The Subject was only a memory."

"Yeah, Genius Reader Girl but most of all you're River." He smiled down at her and his left hand stilled in her hair. The fingers of the right one curled around her palm. "Today must 'a been for you, like them gorramn nightmares are for me. The ones where I let the Feds get ya." He shook his head and closed his eyes as pain shot through him.

"Shhh," she whispered and rested his hand on her stomach so she could run her nails through his goatee like she had the day before on the bridge. "Our greatest fears haunt us, but that's all they are, shadows, ghosts from out past. There are only two places they can harm us. The first is in our sleep..."

"Where's the second?" He could feel her body moving under his hand as she breathed. She was strong, slim and soft. It took all his effort not to curl his fingers under her sweatshirt and feel her skin.

"First times…today was one of those for me." She smiled sheepishly. "Today I used my skills by choice, made the decisions and was not haunted by my past while I was doing it. That's why I fell apart coming home. The relief, the relief was almost unbearable, that's why I cried." She had to blink quickly to keep tears from forming in her eyes. "It won't happen again."

"What if ya'd had ta kill the _hundan_?" He was worried. He knew the time would come when she'd have to take a life, again, if she kept on goin' on jobs with them.

"I used the stiletto on purpose. At close range the 358 Magpro you had given me would have torn him apart. After he was down he tried to reach for his weapon, though I'd kicked it out of the way. I stood over him, aimed and ready to fire. If he'd tried anything, he would have died. At that point the choice was his."

"Could ya have lived with that?"

"Jayne, I've just gotten my life back, at a tremendous cost. I'm not going to throw it away because some petty thief wants to cheat us."

He looked into her eyes. She was an expert at hiding her feelings when she wanted to, though it wasn't often she bothered, but he'd learned the subtle differences. Tonight he saw warm bright shining pools looking back at him. He could remember thinking once, not too long ago, that he'd like to dive in and die there. The thought made him groan.

"River," he whispered and leaned closer to her. His hands clenched; one in her hair, the other against the silky skin of her abdomen.

"Mmmmm," she moaned biting her lower lip and arching her body against his touch.

He looked down unsure what had happened, until he saw her sweatshirt covering his hand almost to the wrist. He shook his head not believing he was touching her soft skin, but unable to stop. With a sigh from deep in his chest, he slid one arm under her shoulders and lifted her until she was sitting with her hip pressed into his thigh. The only time he moved the hand that was warm against her smooth supple abdomen was to keep her balanced and within his easy reach. "River…I…" but words wouldn't come. For the first time in more years than he could figure, Jayne was with a woman and unsure what to do.

"Yes…yes," she had no idea what she had agreed to. His thoughts were swirling and confused, though they filled her mind, they told her nothing. She trusted him, so she nodded her head and slid her arms up his until her fingers played with his short brown hair at the base of his neck. Their lips were inches apart. She rubbed her nose against his scratchy goatee and smiled.

"Oh Babe," the words were deep and ragged and came from some hidden place in his soul. He'd never realized his beard was an erogenous zone until River had touched him there yesterday. He pulled her tighter against him, exploring her bare back under her top and sweatshirt. He promised himself that he'd only touch her there. 'Cause if his hands went where they was itchin' to go, he wasn't sure he could restrain himself. But she was slimmer than he figured and as he cupped her side, from behind, his fingers slid under her arm and stroked the side of her breast. They both gasped and froze.

Hot blue eyes stared into warm brown ones. "Large…strong…hands," she could hardly breathe from his touch.

"Small…slim…woman," he whispered as he moved to his knees, supporting her as he lifted her so her face was never more than inches away from his. Jayne felt her hardened nipples pressed against his chest and his arms reflexively tightened to bring her closer. With a smile on his face he gently strummed against the sides of her breasts as he would his guitar. Their bodies were pressed together and for a moment all they did was look and feel.

The decision was made simultaneously, both nodded and both moved closer until their lips met. Jayne knew the moment he began kissing her that she'd never been kissed before, least not by a man who knew what he was doin'. Though she moved in his arms, pressing her body against his, tryin' to get closer, her mouth stayed closed, chaste and sweeter than he'd ever had. She was like silken innocence and touching her took his breath away. Very carefully he ran the tip of his tongue over the seal of her lips. It set her on fire and she gripped him tighter as she shyly opened her mouth to taste him. He rolled them both to the mat-padded deck while never letting her go.

"Taste…Jayne…ohhh," it came out garbled as she tried to talk and learn his mouth at the same time. She'd always been an astute pupil especially when it was something that fascinated her and he had her rapt attention. His desire washed over her in waves. It wasn't something she could keep out, even if she'd wanted to. River held on tightly to the big body that covered hers. He'd been her guidepost through three other storms today. She had complete confidence that he would see her through this one as well.

She mewed softly as his tongue searched her cheeks. It made her shake, filled with the need to suck, so she did just that, feeling the warm wetness between her lips as they tightened on the small muscle that was bringing her so much pleasure in such an unexpected fashion. Then with the tip of her tongue she rubbed lightly against his.

When she began suckin' on his tongue, Jayne lost control. His hands that had been stayin' away from places he promised they wouldn't go, gained a mind of their own. He slid one palm around and covered her breast as he rolled her already hard nipple between his thumb and forefinger. It was what caused her to buck her pelvis frantically against his and ironically brought him back to his senses.

"Babe…River," he murmured against her mouth as he pulled free. She was flushed and her eyes shone.

"What…?" She pressed against him still lost somewhere. The hot blue of his eyes burned her skin and told her one thing, while his fight to put a few inches between their bodies was telling her another. "Why..?

"Hush, it's all right." He forced himself to reach for her wrists that were wrapped tightly around his neck. But he couldn't pull completely away from her, so he kept hold 'a her hands and pressed 'em deep into the brown silky fan that was spread out around her. "No more, no more. You've had enough firsts for one day." He kissed her temple and tried not to see the tears that filled her eyes.

She was fighting to get herself under control and hated that he'd seen her cry. Her body was wracked with feelings she didn't understand and she was sure he had all the answers, but she wouldn't push him. She knew they'd get there eventually, but hadn't realized the wait could be so painful. The future was too important for false starts. She'd been allowed to find her way to him, he must find his way to her. "Please just let me hold you for another moment?"

"I guess I can accommodate ya on that one." He freed her hands and pulled her shirts back down where they belonged, as she put her arms around his neck and buried her face against his skin. He felt her tears, but he knew he couldn't be swayed by them. She was a young innocent girl and not meant for him.

"The statistics could have been wrong. The comparison of a man's hands to other parts of his anatomy may not have been based solely on male boasting." River pressed against him feeling the bulk that had grown in his pants.

"Hey, hey, stop that. It ain't nice ta tease a body." He pulled himself onto his elbows, taking her hands with him. She tried to laugh at her poor attempt at humor, but it fell flat. "That's another reason it ain't gonna happen 'tween us. You're just a little thing." He couldn't stop himself from running his hand through her hair as she lay gasping for breath and trying not to cry. His thumb caressed her cheek as he moved to her right to take his weight off of her and the temptation away from him. "I'm a big rough man. I don't know nothing 'bout bein' gentle or careful, like ya'd need."

She just nodded and craned her neck to dry her cheeks on his shoulder. "Don't leave me. The nightmares…"

"I ain't gonna leave ya, we're partners. Partners stick together no matter what. Look at Mal and Zoë, still together after all these years."

"I meant now." She bit her lip and moved closer to him. She was flat on her back and he was on his stomach. His arm was flung over her waist so he could hold her hand that was buried in her hair on the side that was farthest away from him. One large shoulder pressed against her breast and supporting her chin pressed tightly against him.

"I know ya did." Jayne reached under him and freed her hand that was caught against his chest and brought it to the mat an inch from his face. When she ran her nail lightly through his goatee he growled and trapped her fingers flat against his whiskers. He had to fight to keep from dragging her palm to his lips and kissing it.

"When does the ache go away?" her voice was ragged, but she refused to open her eyes even though she knew it didn't prevent tears from running down her cheeks.

"Soon, Girlie, soon," he whispered and he didn't think he'd ever told a bigger lie in his life.

It was later as he watched her sleep that he remembered that he'd kissed her. He didn't kiss! The thought knocked the wind out of him. He'd kissed Crazy-Girl…on the lips. He raised his head slightly and watched her deep even breathing. _'No,'_ he thought to himself. _'I kissed River on the lips.'_ Very quietly and softly he moved slightly and kissed her one last time. It couldn't hurt her, she was sleeping, but it would be something he'd remember the rest 'a his sorry life.


	10. Night Vigils

159

**Rating**: PG-13

**Pairings**: Jayne/River; Mal/Inara; Simon/Kaylee; Zoë/memories of Wash

**Beta Magic**: My Magic Beta Lady is Ceslas hugs

Voices And Visions

By

**Lattelady**

Ch 10 Night Vigils

River was dreaming and it was wonderful. Each time a scary monster tried to creep into her thoughts, it was pushed away by the powerful man whose body was half covering hers and in whose mind she'd taken refuge.

"Jayne," she whispered in her sleep and tried to move closer, but she was already wedged under him as far as she could get.

"Shhh, Babe, sleep, ya gotta rest." He'd been watching over her for the last hour, keepin' her warm and close.

A smile crossed his face at the unusual thing he was doin'. It was a first for him, just like all the firsts she'd had that day. He'd never just held a woman as she slept. 'Course that was 'cause he hadn't been with anything but whores since Ellie Hansen the summer he was fourteen. Ellie had been older, and shown him what his body was capable 'a doing. Those months long ago in her pa's barn she'd taught him to take his pleasure and be sure a woman got hers too. Just like she'd taught him the following fall, when she ran off and got hitched to Hank Wilson, that sexin' was just that and nothin' more. Thanks ta her, he always had his pick 'a trim. The credits would lure 'em to his bed the first time, but his skills had given him a well earned reputation that allowed him to be a mite choosy.

This holdin' thing that he was doing with River was somethin' he hadn't been interested in tryin' with the other women he'd slept with. It wasn't about sex, if'n it was he'd be able to say he'd felt-up Crazy-girl in the cargo bay and be on his merry, but the words stuck in his throat. This was personal and there was no avoidin' it like he had in the past, when he'd skedaddle after payin' his money and takin' his pleasure. He tried to tell himself that it was 'cause no credits had changed hands, and though it had been mighty pleasurable to touch Girlie's softer parts, he still had a fierce ache in his pants. But that wasn't it and all this thinkin' was making him hurt worse, 'cause his head was spinnin'.

He yawned sleepily and rested his forehead on the mat beside hers, his nose buried in her hair. It smelled like rain, and the girlie hair soap she used. He remembered that smell from as long ago as Ariel. Jayne was a man who used all 'a his senses ta stay alive, but scent was an odd one. It could trigger a memory quicker 'n anythin'.

He let himself doze, but wouldn't relax enough to sleep. He was on guard and listenin' for any sound that was outta the ordinary. He ignored the little voice that said if he slept; the night would be over too quickly. That was a sentimental thought. He was a big mean man who didn't think sissified things like that. If he were thinkin' those thoughts though, he'd also be thinkin' he wanted the minutes to last forever, 'cause they were all he was gonna get if he wanted their friendship ta survive what he was feelin'.

…………………………………………

Simon Tam kissed Kaylee Frye on her freckled nose and slid out of bed as quietly as he could.

"You okay, honey?" her voice was hoarse from lack of sleep. It was late and he'd kept her up most of the night before, not that she was complainin'. Fact was she was thinkin' on sendin' a thank-you note to his MedAcad, for all them anatomy classes.

"I need to check on Inara. This is the first time someone has slept in my infirmary and I haven't been a few feet away in the dorm."

"Ya got that portable thingy ta keep track of her vital signs." Kaylee snuggled under the blankets and pressed her nose to the pillow where Simon's scent lingered beside her. "'Sides the Captain is with her."

"Precisely," the Doc grunted as he pulled on his sleep pants and grabbed a shirt but didn't bother to button it. "I have no desire to clean up the bloody mess they would leave behind if they decide to go at one another."

"Simon," she giggled and her eyes sparkled. "If those two ever really started _going at__each other_, it'd to 'em a lot of good. Might just cool their tempers some."

"Why Miss Frye, are you speculating on your Captain's sex life?" He put one knee on her bed and leaned over her with a hand on either side of her delicious body.

"Now why would I do that? Since I've finally got one 'a my own." She grinned and ran her fingers over his well defined chest. She'd been pleasantly surprised to discover the strength and muscle definition hidden under his fancy clothes.

"Yes you do." He gave her one last kiss and headed for the ladder, before he gave in and crawled back in where he really wanted to be. "How did I ever get so lucky to find you?"

"The Rim's full 'a girls like me."

"No," he looked over his shoulder shaking his head. "No where else. Not in the Rim, the Core, or Earth-That-Was. There's only one Kaylee."

"Oh Simon," her voice quavered. "You say the prettiest things. Now go on and see ta your patient. I ain't goin' anywhere." He made her heart leap, and she was always afraid that one day she'd wake up and discover it was all a dream. Either they would be back to the really bad times, after Inara left, when the Captain had been so angry and hurt it made the air stick in her lungs. Or she would discover they were still on Miranda, fighting and dying; only this time, River wouldn't save them. This time the Reavers would win.

……………………………………

Simon's first stop was the bridge. He never told anyone, not even Kaylee because he believed what he was doing for Zoë fell under the 'medical confidentiality code of ethics'. The First-Mate was sitting where he expected her to be, in the pilot's seat, with her feet up on the consul. "It's time you headed for your bunk."

"Not tonight, Doc." She kept looking straight ahead. He hardly saw her right hand move, but the next thing he knew, he was staring into the barrel of her gun. "Just head on out of here real quiet like. You want to talk about this tomorrow, fine, but like I said, not tonight."

He moved behind her to the lockers and pulled out the last blanket that was left in there. "At least stay warm. This ship gets cold on night running." He draped it across her lap and stood staring at her for a moment. "I'm not that inflexible." He nodded toward her gun before he turned and walked down the corridor leaving Zoë to her solitude, hoping it would help.

She set her gun on the deck and let her head fall back in the chair. He was right, bringing her weapon along had probably been excessive, but her day had been too difficult to let him drag her off to her bunk, despite their unspoken agreement that he set boundaries when she didn't. She wrapped the blanket tightly around her and pressed her arms against her body as she listened to his receding footsteps moving toward the stairs leading to the cargo bay. She knew the young man had her best interests at heart, but tonight she wasn't moving, no matter who ordered it.

Zoë cocked her chin at an angle so the back of the seat would support her head, but she could still stare out at the spectacular view of the Black filled with the stars Wash loved so much. "Baby, I miss you," she whispered and let tears that only River had seen, run down her face.

"_But I'm right here, Lambie-toes, right inside you." _A soft voice filled her mind. _"And I always will be."_

"I know, but it's hard," she sniffed quietly while she held a plastic T-Rex against her neck. "Today was hard, coming back here and you not being here. I wanted to tell you all about it, like I always did. You made the bad things bearable and always found something funny in what we did. You made me laugh."

"_I'm here, now. Did you do some good crime?"_ She knew Wash's voice was only wishful thinking, but she was torn up more than anyone realized. She needed these odd moments though she'd never admit it to anyone, not even River. They were all that was keeping her together.

Zoë let her mind move back over the day. She had been fine during the difficult job with Mal, River and Jayne. The weather conditions had been terrible, but they'd survived worse. As she thought about the job they'd just pulled, she could almost hear Wash's laugh echoing through her mind. It brought a smile to her lips. Yeah it was comical, now that they were dry, warm and off that gorramn moon. They must have looked a sight when they pulled into the cargo bay.

Remembering their arrival made her gasp, because she realized that she'd forgotten again, forgotten while out on the job, that Wash was dead. She had been fine as they'd scooted through the bay doors. There'd only been the smallest tickle of doubt when she'd heard the Captain talking to Inara on the communicator. Something had crept along the edges of her mind, a memory that she had been trying to keep out.

She could see herself as she'd turned around and had seen Jayne sitting in the back of the mule. He had been wearing his large coat and a shit eating grin, while everyone had stared at the ridiculous picture he'd made with River buried under his drover. Laughter had begun to bubble up inside of her, but Zoë had suddenly clamped down on it. One second she had been thinking, _'Wash has gotta see this.'_ The next she had remembered he was dead. It had been like a blow to her heart.

"Oh, God Baby, I'd forgotten," she sat frozen, gasping for breath with both hands pressed tightly to her face. "How could I have forgotten?" The tall dark warrior woman who was always so strong for everyone else let her emotions go and cried ragged sobs.

"_It's all right, Wifey, it's all right." _The voice inside her head soothed.

"How can it be all right if you're not here with me?" She finally asked the question that she'd been afraid to ask anyone.

"_But I am here, I told you that, Zoë. Nothing will ever make me leave you, but you have a life to lead, one filled with plenty of crime and out-smarting the Alliance, just the way you like it. You'll have laughter and fun again."_

"And a child, Wash?" she muttered, still trying to hide the truth from herself.

"_No, Baby, I'm sorry. That's the one thing I'd change about our life if I could. I was always so afraid of being left alone without you; it never entered my mind that it would be the other way around. I know you wanted a child."_

Zoë relaxed and let the cramps that she'd been trying to ignore for the last hour tell their own story. She'd hoped that when her body hadn't returned to its regular cycle after Miranda, it was because she'd conceived that last night they'd spent on Haven, but now she knew the truth: the changes had only been due to pain, grieving and shock. After two months, her body was in the process of resetting its hormonal clock.

"It's all right, Wash." And she knew it was. "I finally understand why you were reluctant to start a family. I wouldn't want to raise a child without you. Besides I'm not good with children."

She could hear his chuckle as she curled into his chair. _"You'll get plenty of practice at being Aunt Zoë. You just wait, in the next few years, that old boat is going to be overrun with children. You're gonna love each of them and they're gonna love you."_

"Now I know you're only a hallucination," she whispered as tears rolled down her face. "Mal would never let children on his ship."

"_He's not going to have a choice." _Wash grinned back at her in her mind, as if he knew something she didn't. _"You're sleepy, Lambie-toes. Close your eyes, I'm watching over you. I've got nothing else to do while I wait, but I'm a patient man. I waited for you once, I can do it again."_

……………………………………………………….

The Doctor headed down the main stairs to the cargo bay. It was almost completely dark except for the dim emergency light that someone had forgotten to turn off. If it hadn't been for that, he'd never have noticed Jayne sprawled face-down on one of the large mats the crew used for sparring.

"Jayne, wake–up." Simon knelt beside him and touched an orange T-shirt covered shoulder. It was then he noticed River in the shadows, asleep on her back practically buried under the far side of the Merc's body. The Doctor's stomach plummeted and his hand froze.

"I ain't asleep and I'd advise ya not to touch me when I am. It's a good way to end up dead." The gruff older man whispered as he lifted his head and stared the younger one in the eyes. He figured he was gonna get a tongue lashin' any second and maybe even punched. He just hoped it was done quietly. He didn't want River frightened awake by her brother yellin'.

"I…ah…believed it was safe since, you didn't have a weapon." Simon spoke in a hushed tone. A million thoughts filled his mind, as he tried to understand what was going on and how he felt about it. Old impressions of Jayne Cobb warred with new ones. All of it was tainted by an older brother's knee-jerk reaction to finding his younger sister in a compromising position with any man.

"Ya think I couldn't kill with my bare hands, or that I _wouldn't_ if somethin' worth protectin' was threatened?"

"I see." Simon sat beside the Mercenary nodding his head. He'd expected the big man to take an offensive stance and be his usual loud, rude self. The quiet, almost possessive tone made the Doc take a second look and it washed away the dry insult that had been on the tip of his tongue. "Is River all right?"

"I think so." Jayne slid to his knees hatin' ta pull away from her softness, but he knew his time was up. "Girlie'd had a tough day, but she got some things figured out." He couldn't take his eyes off her. She was so ruttin' pretty, but her brother was here and it was right that the Doc take over.

"Hmmm," River began to mutter, and she reached out for the man who had been beside her seconds ago. Once her warmth was taken away and the skin to skin contact that had given her comfort disappeared, her mind was flooded with chaotic emotions coming from the men sitting close to her. "Jayne?"

"Right here," he leaned over her to whisper in her ear, while he ran a hand along her arm and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. "Right, beside ya, Babe."

Simon didn't know what had been said to his sister but he could tell it calmed her instantly. His eyes moved from the rumpled man whose shirt was askew and the slim woman sleeping pressed against his thigh. Her top was at an odd angle and her hair was messed, but it was the whisker burns on her pale neck and cheeks that told the real story.

"She shouldn't be sleeping here." Simon looked around the cavernous room. It was easier to state the obvious than to force his mind to think about the implication of those reddened marks, though it was something he had to deal with and soon.

"We were talkin'." Though Jayne was speaking quietly to the Doc, he didn't take his eyes off River. She looked delicate and young. He unconsciously reached out with the hand that wasn't holdin' hers and ran it through her hair. "She didn't want ta sleep, worried that those nightmares 'a hers wouldn't leave her be." He shifted his gaze to the other man, hoping he could make him understand. "I promised ta keep 'em away. She was thinkin' on Miranda and the battle on Mr. Universe's moon. It haunts her, what them Blue Hands turned her into." He looked at Simon knowing the Doc needed to know.

"She's won't talk about those things to me. I've tried, but I don't want to push, it agitates hers. It's good to know you're willing to listen." The picture suddenly crystallized. He wondered how he'd missed it, and how long it had been going on. Jayne and River hadn't just been building a working relationship or friendship. It was more than that, but how much more he didn't know, but as he watched the big man gently touch the sleeping woman, he was beginning to suspect. "I think I see."

"Do ya, Doc?" All the Merc could do was shake his head, 'cause he couldn't make any sense outta what was goin' on.

"Uhhemm….I've got the key code to the shuttle, would you carry her to bed?" Simon got to his feet and headed toward the steps. There were a few things the men needed to clear up between them and it couldn't happen with River sleeping less than a foot away.

"Ya want _me_ ta carry your little sis ta _bed_?"

"If you don't mind?" the Doc turned, understanding the confusion in the other's voice. "I'm not sure I'm quite up to it." He ran his hand over the incision scar left from his wound on Miranda. It was a lie and they both knew it. Jayne had been present the day before when he'd carried Kaylee up the same set of stairs without a twinge.

"I ain't leavin' her alone in there." The Mercenary challenged.

"All…right." Simon nodded, waiting for the anger he knew he should be feeling to consume him, but it never came, instead he felt resigned. He'd controlled River's life for the year after he'd gotten her out of the Academy. The result had been a mentally unstable young woman who was unhappy and frightened a good deal of the time. In the two months since Miranda she'd been better than he could have ever hoped for. It appeared that while he'd been recovering from a Reaver blast to the abdomen, she had been retaking her life. It wasn't his place to argue with her choices, as long as they were really her choices. "I'll bring the mat. We can rig a pallet on the floor for tonight. But I would appreciate a few words with you once you get her settled."

"Doc…Why ain't ya…?" Jayne looked at the younger man with doubt. He wasn't sure what was happening, but he agreed, the cargo bay weren't no place for Girlie to be sleepin'. It had been the only thing he could come up with and still remain with her as he'd promised.

"Not now, once you get her settled." Simon grabbed the smaller mat that was still rolled up against the wall and hefted it to his shoulder with ease, while Jayne reached down and gathered River in his arms.

"Where are we going?" she murmured and curled against the Merc's warmth; her arm reached around his neck wanting to keep him as close as possible.

"Just puttin' ya ta bed. Hard floor is not a place for ya to be sleepin'." He pulled her tight against him.

"Don't leave me." She pushed her face into the curve of his neck needing as much contact with his skin as possible. "You promised…" her voice drifted off as she fell back to sleep. She was warm and safe in Jayne's arms. She was engulfed in him as she'd been earlier in the day. His presence quieted her mind and made her separate and whole.

"Ain't gonna do that. Once I get ya settled, gotta have a few words with that brother 'a yours, but I'll leave the shuttle door open and only be a few feet away." He carried her up the stairs.

Simon already had the door to Inara's old shuttle open. The mat he'd brought with him was sitting inside the door. He'd gone ahead of River and Jayne as much to give himself time to think, as to get his sister's bed turned down.

Everything had changed since Miranda, but the Doc thought the physical changes were the most evident in the shuttle. For the first year he'd lived on _Serenity,_ it had been hung with richly colored drapes and a sumptuous large bed had been the focal point of the room. It had epitomized a Companion. In the four months Inara had been gone it had been a lost forlorn place, but now it was nothing more than what it was supposed to be: an escape shuttle. There was a single cot and stored boxes on the deck. The only reminder that a member of the powerful Guild had practiced here, was the slight scent of incense and jasmine that still lingered in the air.

As Simon stood back and watched Jayne carry River through the door, he wondered why he'd seen the changes in the shuttle and missed them in these two people. He tried to watch them with clinical detachment but it was hard, as the Mercenary carefully lowered the sleeping woman to the bed and with gentle hands, pulled the covers over her slim form.

"Jayne," River whispered, never waking, but reaching for him anyway.

"Go back ta sleep," he murmured and ruffled her hair. His large callused fingers moved along her scalp, automatically seeking her scars in a fruitless attempt to rub them away.

The younger man couldn't take it any longer. His stomach was tied in knots and he felt his detachment slipping, so he turned and headed out the hatch. Taking quick deep breaths he reminded himself that he could do this. He had to do this.

Moments later the Merc walked out of the shuttle, but he left the door open as he'd said he would. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he wore a black scowl on his face. Simon was sitting on the top step leading down to the cargo bay. "Whattya want, Doc?"

"What do I want?" he gasped. "The list is endless: an infirmary that would at least bring the standard of care on this ship into this century; Wash and Book to be alive; Zoë's pain to… everyone's pain to lessen; my sister's brain to be whole and intact." His voice had gotten higher and louder as he rattled off his list.

"Easy there, sound travels through the floorin' and pipe-work 'a this old boat." Jayne sat on the step three feet away from the younger man. "Those 'er things we'd all like, though since you've been doin' the doctorin' I don't have any argument 'bout the infirmary. Now why don't ya tell me what's really got ya all riled up, 'cause I think it's a mite closer at hand than all them things."

For once Simon let go of his Core training and didn't try to couch his words in polite niceties. "What's going on between you and my sister?"

"We're friends, partners, like Mal and Zoë." He knew even as he said it, that there was more to his relationship with River than he was lettin' on.

"I don't believe the Captain ever gave Zoë abrasions on her neck and cheeks." The Doc glared at the older man's confused look. "Maybe you're more familiar with the term whisker burn?"

"Okay, I kissed her but…" Weren't no way he was gonna admit that she'd kissed him back. Just thinkin 'bout that kiss sent blood rushin' places he needed to stay calm if he was gonna make it through this without the Doc takin' a punch at him.

"Jayne, stop!" Simon held up his hand. "Spare me the details. I'm intelligent enough to know that if she had been opposed to it or felt threatened, she'd have taken you down in a Capital City minute…"

"T'wouldn't 'a been the first time."

"Well yes, but what you need to understand is that she's still…I hope…I don't think they touched her that way." The doctor in him wondered, while the older brother knew that in order to keep his sanity, he had to believe that the Alliance hadn't used her as he'd seen another girl used. "Sexually she's still innocent…I…ah…believe…and you're much more experienced than she is."

"I been with plenty 'a trim in my time, but I've always steered clear 'a the kind ya…gotta…convince…ta…" Jayne's thought process came to a halt as it sunk in exactly what the Doc had been dancin' 'round with his careful wordin'. "You thought them Blue Hands was usin' her like a whore?" he spit out the words, hard and dark like the images that had been created in his mind.

"Sexual abuse was my first thought when I decoded her letters. _'They're hurting us. Get me out.'_ That's all it said. River was a beautiful fourteen year-old child. How else could they be hurting her? Nothing else made any sense. Even now after all this time and everything that I've seen, I have trouble believing…understanding…what was done to her brain." Simon closed his eyes overwhelmed with sorrow.

"You make it sound like ya'd almost prefer they'd used her that way, than what they done ta her."

"No!" he gasped. "No…what I would prefer is that she is happy and as whole as she can be, no matter what happened." He squinted at the older man and balled his hands into fists. "Don't you understand? That's why I didn't contest it when she wanted to help out with the crime; and that's why you and I are sitting here right now and there isn't a gun in my hand."

Jayne was gettin' a mighty uncomfortable feeling from what the Doc was tellin' him. There had to be more. "What ain't ya tellin' me? It ain't somethin' you can hide under that confidentiality _go se_ ya trot out so often. 'Cause you ain't sure and you're always sure when it comes to the goings-on in the infirmary."

"There was a girl in the Emergency Room. I was the attending on-call that night. I'm not sure how she was even able to walk in the door. To say she'd been used badly would be an understatement. We'd just begun treating her when three Special Unit Alliance guards showed up. They whisked her away before we could do much of anything. When I tried to stop them they assured me she was being taken to a private facility and due to her VIP status they wanted any records that had been created to be destroyed."

"You thought that's what had happened to River and didn't tell no one?"

"I hadn't decoded River's letters until two days after I took care of that patient. At the time I believed what I was told. It made sense. I'd seen it happen before to a young lady I knew from school. I thought she was some high ranking official's daughter and they were trying to hide what had been done to her. I guess I was looking for something that would make me feel better about not being able to give her the care she needed. I checked the next day, and all records had been removed, permanently. If someone had the money and power to do that without leaving so much as a trace, on the Cortex, they also had the ability to hunt down whoever had hurt her and be sure that they died a lingering death."

"Unless they was the ones doing the abusin'."

"There were no signs of long term abuse, or I never would have let her go, but you are correct. I was still very naive at that point. Two days later the picture changed. I had worked out River's code. I told our parents about the letters, but they refused to believe. The way they brushed it aside I knew it wouldn't be any use to tell them about a patient who I couldn't prove had ever existed. They were so much a part of the texture of the Alliance that they couldn't see what was in front of them." Simon buried his face in his hands. "For two years I had nightmares about the stranger I'd cared for, but she always had my sister's face…"

"Easy there, Doc," Jayne growled. Just the thought that anyone might have hurt River made him want to hit somethin'. "She hadn't been kissed by a man afore, leastways not one who…ah…well…" He shrugged his big shoulders. "I think ya get my meanin'. 'Sides she said some thing and the way she acted…" He was tryin' to reassure the girl's brother but his insides were quakin' somethin' fierce. "She's gotta be…" he whispered not aware he'd said it out loud.

"From what I learned the day we broke her out, I believe they were more interested in her capabilities as a fighter and increasing her intuitiveness to the point that she became a full out reader." Simon tried not to remember how his sister had looked when he'd gone in and gotten her out of that nightmare of a facility.

"I hope you're gorramn right." The big man glared and muttered to himself. "Bad enough what they done ta her, but ta use a child like that."

The Doc was fascinated by the Mercenary's response to all of this. It was becoming more and more evident that the big man had strong feelings toward River. It made it easy to be able to talk about all these things that had been boiling up in him for a long time. "It's just that…I feared for her physical safety for so long…"

"You're the ruttin' doctor! I know ya gave her a physical when we finally got those Reavers behind us and off 'a Whitefall. Ya made a big enough fuss 'bout it. Isn't that somethin' ya should 'a checked?" The Merc felt a gnawing deep inside. He knew River had acted innocent, but what if those bastards had done things to her and she didn't remember?

Simon blushed and looked away. "Yes….But _Serenity_ isn't equipped for what I would have needed to complete the exam. I had hoped to do a quick scan of her entire body on…a…well when I had a chance."

"I messed that up for you good and proper." Jayne shook his head. "You're talkin' 'bout Ariel ain't ya?"

"That was a year ago, it's in the past." Simon sat slumped on the steps, exhausted from lack of sleep and the emotionally wrenching conversation.

"That's what she says too." The Merc nodded toward the shuttle.

"Well she's usually right." He shifted and looked at the older, tougher man. "I'm sorry I laid these worries on you. I've never spoken to anyone about them…"

"She weren't hurt like that!" He growled wanting desperately to believe it. "I would 'a known. I would 'a felt somethin'. Look Doc, I know ya don't want the details and I wouldn't give 'em to ya anyway…but it was only a couple 'a kisses…" Jayne's mind froze refusing to think 'bout the implications of what he'd learned. It was easier to explode 'bout what he should 'a been worrying 'bout. "And why the gorramn hell ain't ya all worked up that ya found us like we was? I'm old enough to be her ruttin' pa."

"Somehow it's lost its importance in the big scheme of things," Simon sighed and let his head fall back. "About finding you like that?" he shrugged. "It was upsetting, I'm her brother and if I had my way, she'd be kept in a nunnery until she's fifty, but as I already told you, if River hadn't wanted you there, I'd have found your body broken and bleeding on that floor."

"Ain't ya gonna take one 'a your sharp doctor knives to me, or at least threaten to. This don't make no sense, you bein' all calm like."

"I'm not all that calm…but I trust my sister." He was beginning to get a headache. "The age difference doesn't bother me, for two reasons. First, and most importantly, as I told you once before, they robbed her of her youth. River may be eighteen and look it, but she's far older…far older…" his voice trailed off as he looked into the distance and sighed. "Then there is the easier reason for me to accept. It's not that unusual in society on Core worlds for a man to be a good number of years older than a woman. The marriage contract my parents tried to arranged for my sister was with a man in his late thirties. It was a great disappointment to my father when she refused the gentleman. He had holdings that father's business had been trying to acquire for a few years."

"He was gonna sell his daughter? Sorry, Doc, but from our little talk tonight, you make the Rim sound downright civilized compared to that world you lived in."

"It's much freer. My sister tried to exert her free will and she ended up being sent to the Academy. There are times I wonder…" Simon pulled on his ear, but shook his head at the thought. It was too preposterous to accept. "No…no…he wouldn't have, no matter how angry he was about that marriage contract."

"You're thinkin' that _hundan _of a pa ya got did it on purpose." Jayne had an urge to kill the senior Tam.

"He…I don't know, but if he did, he didn't realize the extent of what could or would be done to her. My parents were very conscious of their social standing. A crazed killer would not have given them something to boast about at dinner parties."

"Mal and Zoë have been right all along." Jayne rested his elbows on his knees and looked out across the bay. "I always looked at the Alliance as a pain in the ass, but they're much more than that. Miranda was bad enough, but I guess ya got ta feel it personal like, for it ta really make ya know how bad it is."

"Yes, back to the personal," Simon sighed hating to bring this up. "I've seen how you are with woman. It can't just be the credits you pay them. I've seen seasoned working girls leave a customer's side and go to you. I realize that _mean as a rattlesnake_ is your usual personality, but you seem to be able to access some hidden charisma when you choose, especially when there is a woman involved. River is young and…as we both believe, inexperienced. Don't manipulate her…give her time…be sure…"

"Are you sayin' I can sex up your little sis?" The Merc's mouth dropped open and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hit the man or thank him.

"I most assuredly am not! I am saying that when…no if…you ever have that particular honor that you make sure you're making love to her and not just 'sexin' her up'." The Doc knew he was blushing but he didn't care. This was a conversation that he'd never imagined having, but realized it should have taken place a few weeks ago. "From your surprised expression I can only assume that you didn't know there was a difference. But there is, I know, but I never experienced it until very recently myself." A gentle smile crossed his face when he thought about the woman who was sleeping in the bunk they'd been sharing for the last week. "It's why I waited so long with Kaylee. It was easier to let everyone think I was a boob and no good with women, than to do what I really wanted to do and take a chance she'd be badly hurt."

"Doc, ya don't got anything to worry about." Jayne thought of slim delicate River and how wonderful it had felt to press her body against his and how wrong he believed it to be. "I ain't gonna hurt her. If'n I was gonna, it would 'a happened tonight."

Simon sat thinking, running the Merc's words over and over in his head. Things weren't adding up. The other man was usually easy to deal with because everything was out there in the open to be seen. But tonight there were hidden currents and the man was being almost discrete. The Doc knew he was going to regret this, but he loved his sister too much to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Jayne I think you need to give yourself more credit and look a bit deeper at the feelings behind your actions." Simon leaned his cheek on one fist, his elbow balanced on his knee, as he studied the big man three feet away. "I may be from the Core and I know you think I'm pretty stupid about many things, but I know how a man touches a woman he desires."

"I…ah…" The Merc couldn't think. He was sure he'd been careful.

"Don't…even try and deny it. I know what I saw." He stood and nodded toward the bay where he'd found them. "In eighteen months I've never seen you put aside something you wanted because it would inconvenience or hurt someone else. Do yourself and River a favor and figure out why you did so tonight, or any of the other times in the last few weeks you could have probably scratched that particular itch."

"She ain't an itch! What kinda brother are ya to call your little sis somethin' like that?" Jayne exploded. "Girlie isn't something I can take a quick scratch at and have go away!"

"Exactly," the Doctor smiled. "It's getting late and I need to check on Inara, which is why I'm here in the first place." He headed down the stairs, but stopped because he had one more thing to say. Again it went under the category of _I'm going to hate myself in the morning_, but he'd gone this far. "You know it's not the end of worlds and all their moons."

"What ain't?" The big gruff man scowled.

"To care more about a woman than you do about yourself." Simon decided that the pained shocked expression on Jayne's face went a long way toward making-up for what he feared the future would bring, if the big man took his advice to heart.

"I don't care for nobody but myself! Gorram stupid Core docs and their _gou pi_ ideas," Jayne muttered to the background sound of light laughter that disappeared from the bay as the Doc moved into the lounge.

……………………………………………….

Simon looked through the window anxious to check his patient against the readout of Inara's vitals on the large monitor on the wall. His practiced eye told him the machine wasn't lying to him, nor was his hand-held version.

After he'd finished the quick knit repair to her ribs, he'd not only bound her upper torso like before, but had also secured her left arm to her side. She hadn't been pleased when she'd awakened from the anesthesia, but he had decided to take no chances this time. She'd been darn lucky not to have ended up with permanent disfigurement below her left breast. It wouldn't have been much, but considering her profession it could have been a disaster if she ever decided to return to an active status and booked clients again.

"She doin' all right, Doc?" Mal whispered as he stretched on the sofa and got to his feet.

"I only kept her there because I gave her a smoother so she'd sleep. It may have been overkill with the anesthesia she had earlier, but I didn't want her moving around tonight. I wanted to be able to monitor her and I can do that from anywhere in the ship." He put the clip-on version of the read-outs back onto the waistband of his sleep pants. "These things are good, but I like to check the patient against the numbers as well."

All the Captain could do was watch the woman sleeping on the other side of the glass. "Why'd she wait so gorramn long to let you fix it? Fact is, why the ruttin' hell didn't she get herself patched up like the rest of us on that gorramn Alliance hospital ship?"

"I can't answer those questions." Simon wasn't about to tell Mal that this was the second time he'd repaired Inara's ribs. "Were you planning on sleeping there all night?"

"Yeah…I…uh…"

"You can't say you fell asleep reading one of Jayne's gun magazines, because you didn't bring one or…no one planted…one…there." Suddenly his sister's confused look and Jayne's over-acting about the magazine last week, made sense. _Yes, he surely should have had that little talk with the Merc weeks ago._

"No it wasn't that…" It was obvious that Mal was focused on the sleeping woman.

"You can go in and sit with her if you like."

"She asked me not to keep digging at her…I want her…"

"We all know you want her," Simon couldn't keep from chuckling as the older man glared at him.

"You lookin' to get punched again?" His eyes were blue steel and as dangerous as the Doc had ever seen them. "I was gonna say before you went all rude like and interrupted me, that I want her to feel free on _Serenity_."

"Do you know how many nights she sat by your side? I can talk about those because I wasn't anybody's doctor then, just a patient, like you." He was angry and didn't understand it, but tonight the usually crude Merc had shown more sensitivity than Mal was showing now. It felt like they'd flown into an alternate universe somewhere.

"That's crazy. When I woke up after surgery, she wasn't there. It was River sittin' 'tween us. She's the one who told me I was gonna be all right."

"You think River, as frightened of the Alliance as she was after that battle, spent the night in the infirmary with us? It was all Inara. Inara hadn't changed out of the clothes she'd worn in the fight. From what the med-tech told me, she never left the waiting area while they operated on you. They couldn't get her to leave long enough be examined. She wouldn't take any food or anything to drink. All she did was sit there. Once you were in recovery, she used all the influence she had as a member of the Companions Guild so she could be with you. I know, I saw her. You woke up once, but must not remember it. It was only after she knew you were going to live that she let River take over for a few hours."

"Gorramnit, why wouldn't she tell me? Why's she been hiding things…?" Suddenly Mal remembered holding 'Nara on Miranda, outside of the rescue and research vessel where they'd first viewed the chip that told about the destruction of the people on that planet. She'd been in pieces and asking him for help. "I conjure I've known what the Alliance is capable of since a few years before Serenity Valley, you've known for at least the last two years, but 'Nara…she just found out. It's kinda like suddenly loosing gravity, she don't know which way is up." He reached down and took his blanket to wrap around his shoulders. "I'm thinkin' she could use a hand ta hold onto so she doesn't wake up all confused like."

"One other thing, Captain." Simon stopped the man as he was about to open the door to the infirmary. "Tomorrow morning, if you see Jayne leaving the shuttle where River is sleeping, please don't shoot him."

"_Hao le_, Doc you are sayin' that my hired muscle and your _mei mei,_ are in a shuttle…alone…at night and it's all right with you?"

"My sister alone with any man, at any time, isn't all right." Simon ran his hand through his hair. "She…River…doesn't want my help when she has nightmares. I think my worry only makes things worse for her when she wakes-up screaming. Inara had been the one who looked out for her while we were all recovering. Since then Jayne has been helping too."

"'Nara had mentioned somethin' about that ta me." Mal nodded and looked at the sleeping woman. "Is River okay tonight?"

"When she has those nightmares she usually kicks the punching bag until she feels better. She can't do that with someone in the infirmary." Simon nodded toward his patient. "But my sister wants very badly to be treated like a normal person. So she's toughing it out. Tonight I found her asleep on a mat in the cargo bay. Jayne was watching over her."

"That don't sound like normal person stuff, especially when ya consider Jayne was in on it. How'd they get to the shuttle?"

"I suggested it. Beside the help with the nightmares…I've seen some things…he's good to her…it lead me to believe he…_cares_ about her? I know she's safe with him and cares about him."

"You remember this is Jayne we're talking 'bout. We're not on the normal people anymore. I 'spose I can always wait and throw him out the airlock, if she doesn't kill him when he hurts her."

"Actually, I'm more worried that it'll be the other way around. River is tougher than she looks…"

"…And Jayne not so much," the Captain finished up for him. He'd noticed another side to his Merc since Miranda. Hell, they'd all developed _'other sides'_ since Miranda. Why should Jayne be any different? "I'm goin' in here." He nodded towards the infirmary. "You should go back ta Kaylee."

Mal moved quietly into the room where 'Nara was sleeping. He grabbed a chair and slid it next to her, as he sat down he took her right hand in his and rested his head beside her.

"Mal," she muttered and fought to get her eyes open, but her lids were too heavy and she lost her battle

"Right here, darlin'," he whispered. "I got ya. Just hold on and sleep."

Her only response was to squeeze his hand slightly then fall back to sleep. He sat and watched her, counting her breaths and enjoying being close to her with no one around to see.

……………………………………………….

Jayne got up and headed to the shuttle. Simon had rattled his calm in more ways than he thought possible and he didn't like it one bit. But it was forgotten the second he walked through the door and found Girlie sittin' on the cot with her back pressed tight against the bulkhead and her legs drawn up against her chest.

"River ya all right?" He recognized the glassy look in her eyes and approached her carefully, but he'd hardly taken a step when she pushed herself up and vaulted into his arms.

"Yes," her voice was hoarse. "Simon was wrong. I would know, I would remember."

"Sure ya would, Babe." He pulled her tightly against him and leaned against the shuttle hatch until he heard the lock engage. "Ya shouldn't 'a had ta hear any 'a that."

"His fears filled my thoughts and I couldn't get away from them. Needles in my eyes and mind woke me. They filled me with Simon's memories." She clung to him needing him to take away the horrors of what she'd seen, but never experienced. She'd seen Simon's nightmare as her brother had been picturing it when he'd been talking. She's seen herself broken, battered and badly used.

"You're freezin'. Let's get you under them covers." He walked her to the cot, and picked her up to lay her down.

"Stay with me!" she demanded, with her arms wrapped around his neck.

"Babe, that way leads ta trouble." He didn't pretend to misunderstand her. She wanted him in the cot with her, as much as he wanted to be there. "I ain't that strong."

"You are, but you don't know it." Tears filled her eyes. He made her much stronger than she really was, as she did him, but since he'd yet to learn that, she let him go. "I will be fine."

"Don't lie to me, River I can see right through ya." He glared wantin' to do the right thing for once in his life.

"It is not a lie," she bit her lip unwilling to let him see how badly she needed him. "But the strength of two is far greater than the sum of its parts."

"I sure hope you're right, Girlie." He plopped down on the cot and began undoing the laces on his boots. He figured he didn't need no lecture on 'the special hell', 'cause this was it. He was livin' it. Sleepin' beside a woman he desired more than anythin' and not doin' a thing 'bout it. "Now scoot over so I got some room."

She sat staring at him. Her mind was still filled with the terrible pictures that had been in Simon's head. She needed to feel Jayne's skin against hers badly, but she'd never harm him. "I have no wish to cause you pain," she whispered.

"Babe, I get the feelin' we're both gonna get a mite banged up afore we get this figured out." He wrapped his arms around her and lay down with her. Her head resting on his left shoulder and his body pressed against hers. "We gotta be careful not to do anything that can't get undone."

"So, no guns, knives or air locks if we become angered with each other." She ran her hand beneath his shirt and along the scar she'd made months ago.

"Something like that," he gasped. "It feels mighty good when ya touch me like that."

"I need to feel your skin against mine, to wash away what shouldn't be in my mind." She grabbed his right wrist and pressed his hand against her left breast. "Please you have to believe me. No one has ever touched me like this, except you."

"_Ren ci de Fo zu_," he growled as he shook with need to feel her softness again with no barrier between 'em. He pulled his hand out of hers to carefully unzip her sweatshirt. Once he'd slowly pushed both sides of it out of the way, he pulled up her tank top and took a good look at what he'd only been able to feel earlier.

"Touch me," she begged unable to take her eyes off the hungry expression on his face.

"Like this?" he slid his hand up her torso until his fingers dragged lightly across both nipples. He was rewarded when she gasped and hardened as he grazed her skin

"Uhhemm," she moaned and nodded.

"Yeah, I guess you did like that," he muttered. He'd never seen a woman respond that quickly. He wanted ta suck on her somethin' fierce, but the overpowering urge ta kiss her won out. Covering her right breast and catching its tip between his fingers, so he could play, he moved his body over hers and began kissing his way up her throat.

"Jayne," she called out his name as her hand moved under the back of his T-shirt. He filled her with sensations and cleared her mind of the terrible pictures she'd woken with. When their lips and tongues met, she floated in her desire for him and his for her that shivered though ever part of her body and mind. She detached from time and let his hands and mouth guide her until she felt as if she were going to explode.

He kissed her mouth and held her tightly to him. He'd been able to keep his earlier amended promise to himself that he'd keep his hands above her waist, but then he felt her hips pushing against his.

"Please…"

"No, Babe," he groaned and tried to catch his breath as he pulled far enough away from her to look her in the eyes. "That's one 'a the undoables. I can take ya there, without doin' no damage, but the first time ya feel that with a man it's gotta mean everything, you're that kind 'a girl."

She looked at him a bit confused at what he was talking about, then began to blush. "I've never…"

"You're a piece a work, Girlie," he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. "All the more reason it should be special, then."

"But it would…" She tried to argue, but he'd have none of it.

"No River, you've felt ya first desire and had a man touchin' ya until your body's 'bout ready to snap. It clouds ya mind and ya judgment. I won't do that ta ya or me." He turned her over but pulled her close to him. "Did I get rid 'a them nasty thoughts ya brother sent you by accident."

"Yes," she sniffed and rubbed her tears against his arm under her cheek.

"He's been carryin those fears 'round for a long time. Ya might want ta clear things up with him."

"You are correct."

"Ain't I always," he kissed the back of her neck as his right hand moved under her top and filled with her breast. He grinned when he heard her moan. Touchin' her felt so gorramn good, he never wanted ta stop. "Now go to sleep."

"It will not be easy," she whispered and he felt every breath against his arm.

"I know, but we'll make do." He figured he'd rather spend the night in a constant state of arousal with River snuggled up against, him than to sleep soundly on the cold pallet on the floor.

………………………………………………………….

Jayne carefully removed his hand from the warmth of River's skin and sat up in bed. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so well. He looked down at the girl for a moment and raised the covers until only her face and hair were showing.

"I'm awake." She turned and smiled at him.

"Are you okay this morning?" He looked her in the eyes expecting to feel uncomfortable, but he didn't.

"I'm fine and you?"

"Pretty good." He wanted to touch her, but didn't dare. "We can't do this again, you know?"

"I understand." River yanked her tank top into place and pushed the covers to the bottom of the bed as she sat up. "We didn't damage _us_ did we?"

"No, we're still a team." He reached for her wildly flying hair and smoothed it behind her ear. If his hand shook a bit when he did it, he didn't give a gorramn hell, she was the only one around to know and he'd given up hidin' things from her last night. "Just don't be surprised if ya end up gettin' hugged when ya ain't expectin' it."

"I like your hugs." Her eyes danced and she bit her lip in anticipation. "Does that mean I get to hug you back."

"You flirtin' with me, Girlie?" He grinned wondering how much trouble he was really in.

"I am not a flirt. I am a proper young lady."

"Yeah," his grin grew so large his dimples showed. "I remember from last night."

"That was not my fault." She looked down demurely and picked up his hand. "It was this hand that was making me say and feel things and those lips." She went up onto her knees so she could run her finger over his mouth.

"Babe," his voice was gruff and hard as he grabbed her by the shoulders to pull her against him. "Whadda I tell ya 'bout teasin' me last night?"

"I…ah…" Her lids snapped open and she could feel his arms quiver as they held her. "I didn't mean…I didn't know…I'm sorry."

"I know Babe, I shouldn't 'a snapped like that." He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "I started it, I got nothin' ta complain 'bout. It ain't your fault. But I gotta get outta here 'fore we…" He leaned close and kissed her on the temple and headed for the hatch.

River flopped down on the cot as he closed the door behind him. They were making progress, she smiled to herself. He was coming closer. She'd tried to tell him last night that it was all right, but he hadn't wanted to listen to her so she hadn't forced it. But soon, very soon, she hoped.

_**TBC**_


	11. Dark And Fearsome Places

180

**It all** Belongs to Joss

**Rating: **PG-13

**Beta**: My magic beta lady, Ceslas

**Pairings: **J/R; M/I; S/K; and Z/memories of Wash

_**Voices And Visions**_

By

_Lattelady_

**_Ch 11 - Dark And Fearsome Places_**

Jayne slumped against the shuttle hatch. His head was spinning and the ache in his pants was so pronounced he didn't think he could walk. He wasn't a man who did much heavy thinkin', but that's all he could do after spendin' a night with his arms 'round River Tam and havin' her body tucked against his. She'd told him he'd have the strength ta make it through the night without sexin' her and somehow he'd been able to. If'n ya didn't count them kisses and the way his hands had explored her firm young breasts? He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Just the memory of how ruttin' good she'd felt against his skin, caused wave after wave of desire to wash over him.

Standin' there in the harsh reality of early mornin' he knew for certain sure that it hadn't been strength that held him back, but fear. Fear 'a loosin' the trust that had filled her brown eyes when she'd looked at him. Fear 'a bein' no different than Simon's worst nightmares 'bout them _chusheng xai-jiao de xiang huo_ Blue Hands. It had scared him plenty and he wasn't a man who was scared 'a nothin', 'ceptin maybe Reavers.

"Gorramnit," he choked as he took in quick deep breaths. If he thought too long on what the Doc had said the night afore, he was gonna puke. The younger man's words were prickin' and dancin' through his mind. Some he didn't want to think on, and others didn't make no sense.

He looked down at his large hands. They felt like they were tremblin', but they weren't, least ways not on the out side, though he wouldn't cover any bets 'bout the inside. What the ruttin' hell was happenin' to him?

"_Tamade,"_ he muttered and pushed his body away from the cool metal of the hatch. It was early and he didn't hear no one else up. As he passed through the mess, he put the coffee on and then continued on to his bunk. He was keyin' in his punch code when he noticed something odd on the bridge.

He climbed the stairs quietly and discovered Zoë sleepin' in Wash's old chair. Jayne cautiously reached for the Mare's Leg that was restin' on the console inches away, before lightly covering her shoulder with his hand. The woman was too quick with that gun 'a hers for him to take any chances.

"Zoë," his whisper was gruff and he shook his head in complete understandin' as he watched her reach for the spot her weapon had been sittin' before he'd moved it. She wasn't awake 'nuff to realize she was safe, though considerin' Wash had died sittin' in that chair, maybe there weren't no spot on the boat that was really safe. "It's just me, Jayne."

"Ahhh," she gasped and straightened. All of her muscles cried out from the position they'd been locked in as she'd slept curled tightly upon herself. She was a tall woman and didn't usually abuse her body that way. "I must have fallen asleep," she mumbled a bit embarrassed that she hadn't heard the Merc coming.

"Yeah." Jayne tried not to look at her. He'd had enough experience 'round cryin' women lately to recognize puffy eyes and tear tracks. It felt like he was spyin' on a private moment and it was a bit creepafyin'. "You, plannin' on startin' a mutiny?" He gazed past her right ear as he handed back her weapon.

"No I was just…" She looked around and was very glad it hadn't been Mal who had discovered her either last night or this morning. Her oldest friend had enough to deal with. He didn't need to know about her problems. "I'm not sure what I was doing." She stood and took a good look at the man beside her. "But I gotta ask you, what are you doing?" Her eyes glinted dangerously. "You're carrying your boots, it looks like you slept in your clothes…and…" She zeroed in on a single strand of long dark hair. It ran from one of Jayne's large orange clad shoulders, across his chest and curled against the white 'number 28 decal' in the middle of his shirt. She reached out and plucked it off the dumbfounded man for closer inspection. There was only one person on the ship it could have belonged to. "And this…"

"It ain't what ya think." He held his hands, palms-up, defensively but couldn't take his eyes off the damning evidence of where he'd spent the night. "Well it is, but it ain't. I didn't…I'd never…"

"Never?" her brow rose along with her voice and her gun. "Then how? And don't try and tell me it's from when you had her buried under your coat, 'cause I know you cleaned up since then."

"What kinda _hundan_ you take me for anyway?" He glared, and then thought better of his question. "Best not answer that, but no, it ain't like you're thinkin'. Even way back when I would 'a turned her in to the Alliance, I wouldn't 'a taken advantage 'a her that way. _Lashi_, Zoë, put down that shooter 'a yours." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I'd never hurt River," his whisper was filled with conflicting emotions.

"No, I don't suppose you would." One look into the big man's sad troubled blue eyes and the First-Mate knew she'd been right all along. Raising her weapon had been pure reflex and in this case unneeded. "I was wondering when the two of you would tumble to that fact." She lowered her gun and gently placed the long brown strand back where she'd gotten it.

"What fact? What the ruttin' hell ya talkin' 'bout?"

"Jayne," Zoë stepped forward and placed her hand on his arm. "I know exactly what you're going through!" The First-Mate knew she was showing more of herself than anyone but Wash had seen in years, but it came roaring out of her and she couldn't stop it. "It's scary to all of the sudden feel things you've never felt before. Your first instinct is to run!"

"It ain't like that." The Merc shook his head frantically trying to deny the words and feelings that he'd been sure of with River at his side. "Gorramnit, it can't be!"

"You don't think I know exactly what it's like to care 'bout someone who you think you have no business caring about? Someone who wakes you up from feeling dead and teaches you to live again? Someone who you feel is wrong in every possible way…so wrong…that it…it…gets him killed."

"Wash weren't wrong for ya. He had feelin's for you like I never seen." He hated to admit to anyone how much he thought 'a the dead pilot. "'Sides you had nothin' to do with his dyin', and I ain't gonna let ya say 't'otherwise." He frowned.

"Thank you, but that isn't something that is open for discussion," she bit off each word sharp and clear. "We were talking about you and River."

"No we ain't…gorramnit!" Jayne roared. "This ain't the same thing! And if it is there ain't no way I'd…I'd…"

"Be able to watch her die?" Zoe looked him straight in the eyes. "One second he was alive and the next he was gone. Just like that, one second. Do you have any idea how many times I've tried to reach out and pull that second back and make it all different?" She trembled feeling Wash's presence as if he were standing beside her. Suddenly _that second_, which had changed her life forever, didn't matter. She finally understood what her mind had been telling her the night before. He would always be with her and trying to pretend otherwise would only hurt her.

"_Wode tian_, I can't…! This ain't happenin'. Girlie and I are friends like you and Mal." It was the first safe thought he'd had since wakin' up that mornin'. '_Yeah, just keep thinkin' on her like the Captain does Zoë. T'ain't no sexin' in their relationship and t'weren't never gonna be.'_

"If I can stand it, then so can you." Her mouth was set in a grim line and her eyes were looking far off into the Black remembering a man with laughing eyes and loud shirts who rattled her calm from the moment she'd met him. "You should understand that no matter how much time you have with a person, it will never be enough. I don't care if it's two minutes or a lifetime. You find that one person who…who…fills up your soul and time just doesn't matter, anymore than age or experience." She could almost hear Wash saying those words in her ear. "So you figure out, if that's what's going on here, you won't have anything to worry about. If it's just hormones and too long being lonely, you better watch out."

"But how da you know the difference?" he muttered before he even realized the question had formed in his mind.

"If you're bothering to ask yourself that question, you're well on your way to figuring it out." She brushed past him her gun in hand and her blanket tossed over her shoulder. She'd shown as much of her personal side as she was going to.

"Zoë, it ain't like that." He called after her. "I'm not ruttin' like that!"

……………………………………

Inara tried to turn over in her sleep. She always slept on her right side and lying on her back felt odd. She was relieved when only a tiny stab of pain shot through her ribs as she turned over. It was then she became aware that a large warm hand was holding hers. Hand-holding was one of the small personal gestures she'd always avoided.

She opened her eyes and everything made sense. She was still asleep and dreaming. Mal's face was inches from hers. He looked relaxed as he rested. Too often in the last months everytime this man filled her sleeping hours, he was covered in blood and his death was only seconds away. She tried to reach for him, but her left arm was bound to her side.

She wanted him awake and touching her. It was what came next. This dream was a familiar old friend, though the setting usually wasn't _Serenity's_ infirmary. Her sleeping imagination had had them making love in almost every other place on the boat, a number of planets and often, this last summer, in a secluded valley in the distant mountains seen from her room at the Training House.

Since he was holding her hand and the other seemed to be stuck to her side somehow, Inara decided she needed to take action, if this dream was going to progress as it usually did. She moved her head slightly to kiss him. Their lips met and she didn't think it had ever felt so real. Suddenly the hand holding hers had tightened and his eyes had flown open. They were filled with pleasure and surprise.

"Hey, you," she murmured and moved a bit closer.

"That was a mighty nice way to wake-up, but you sure you know what you're doing, darlin'?" Mal caressed her cheek. His fingers buried deep in her dark curly hair. They felt good against his skin and he could smell the sweet scent of jasmine that always clung to her.

"This is the only way I dream about you, unless…unless…you're bleeding to death. Your blood is on my hands, so much blood." She looked at him, her mind hazy and filled with guilt. "Promise me you're not dying," she whispered as her eyes filled with tears.

"I ain't dyin', but you ain't dreamin', darlin'." His lips were inches away from hers and he gently dried her eyes. "You've had a mighty rough few months and Simon knocked ya out good last night. You ain't thinkin' quite straight."

"Then why don't I see angel lights like Jayne did?" she gripped the front of his shirt to pull him closer. "I just see you and all the blood spilled by the Alliance I believed in," her words shook with anger, bitter from betrayal.

"'Nara…aw 'Nara." He scooped her off the bed and pulled onto his lap. One arm wrapped tightly around her while the other supported her head against his shoulder. He had complete understanding of what she was feeling and as much as he hated the Alliance and all it stood for, he would have protected her from the soul wrenching experience if he could.

"It's not all right," she gasped. "I believed in them. I made excuses for their faults…even when I knew…I knew how they could be but wouldn't let myself see it. All I did was close my eyes and escape, thinking out here on the Rim they couldn't touch me."

………………………………………………….

Simon sprang up in bed. The sharp ringing on his portable read-out alarm sent his system into overload. He remembered carrying one of those things as an intern, on nights when he'd had call and he didn't like it one bit.

"What's that?" Kaylee gasped. She didn't think she'd ever seen the man move so fast. He pulled on one leg of his sleep pants as he hit the floor and the other in the step it took to reach her ladder.

"Inara, it's Inara's heart rate," as he spoke another alarm went off. "_Made_ her respirations are dropping and becoming irregular!"

"Huh?" Kaylee grabbed her nightgown and pulled it over her head following only steps behind him.

"She's…. Her heart is beating too fast and she's gasping for breath…but she…she shouldn't…there's no reason…besides the Captain's with her….THE CAPTAIN'S WITH HER!" He ground his teeth and cursed all way to the infirmary, as he remembered that Mal was sitting with Inara. He was almost positive of what he was going to find, but until he knew for sure that there was no emergency, he ran. His right hand was already clenched in a fist. It wouldn't be the first time he hit the older man and he doubted it would be the last. But if the Doctor discovered Inara being kissed breathless while on long distance alarm, the _chunren_ who ran the ship was going to get punched in the jaw.

"Next time I'm not muting the alarms in the infirmary," Simon muttered, as he skidded to a halt at the window overlooking his patient and glared at the man holding the woman in his arms. It only took a moment to see that emotions had set off the long distance monitoring device and nothing more. He could tell from the tiny bit he could see of her face that she was crying.

Mal looked up and gave Simon a flinty-eyed stare and shook his head. It was obvious to the younger man that something important was going on in there, but Inara was all right physically. The Captain was off the hook for the moment, but if it turned out he'd caused her to fall apart, the Doc was going have something to say to him about it.

"Simon…" Kaylee came rushing through the hatch and crashed into a naked back blocking her way. "Is Inara all right?"

"It would appear so." He hit the mute switch on his portable read-out and quickly clicked through his patients previous vital signs. They all were within normal limits. He held up his left hand with his fingers extended. It was his way of telling Mal that he had five minutes to conclude what ever he was doing, and then the Doctor would be back.

"But…but…" The Mechanic kept trying to scoot around the man who was blocking her view.

"Come on, let's get dressed." He gripped Kaylee's shoulders and turned her toward the hatch, still preventing her from seeing what was going on in the infirmary. He doubted the Companion would appreciate anyone knowing she'd lost control and broken down, though he'd been expecting it. She'd held on too tightly for too many weeks as the others were healing.

"They was kissin' wasn't they?" The cheery woman he loved looked over her shoulder as Simon pushed her into the cargo bay.

"No, I believe Inara had a nightmare." He grabbed Kaylee's hand and they climbed the steps.

"Darn," she frowned. "I was hopin' they was."

………………………………………………………………..

The entire time Simon had stood at the window, Mal had held tightly to 'Nara. He'd done his best to keep her tear streaked face hidden, but doubted he'd fooled the Doc.

"I'm all right," she sniffed and rubber her wet cheeks against his shirt.

"No ya ain't honey. I been down that road and it's a dark and fearsome place, when your beliefs get shattered" He rubbed his chin against her temple as he remember the exact moment everything good had broken to bits inside of his own self.

'Nara looked up at him and could see the pain in his eyes. She cupped his cheek and gently ran the pad of her thumb over his lips. "For a long time I believed in only two things, myself and the Alliance. Much to my surprise, I discovered about a year ago, there was a third. Two months ago, when everything else was falling down around me, you were still there."

"No," he shook his head, fear evident on his face. "No, I ain't a man ta lead. We been over this once before. Sides when people do follow me, they die."

"Mal, you're wrong." Inara hated that she was crying again so she blamed the anesthesia from the day before and let the tears flow down her cheeks as the truth came spilling out. "You are a man to lead. It's what you were born to do, but the _goushi buru_ Alliance has made the weight of it so heavy you doubt yourself. Believe; just believe, because I do." She put her arm around him and pulled him close unable to stop crying.

"Oh, darlin' I sure hope those drugs the Doc gave you keep ya from remembering this conversation, otherwise, I conjure you're gonna be might angry at me and not so pleased with your own self."

"I know what I'm saying and I should have told you a long time ago," her words were rough with tears.

"Well in that case ya mind tellin' me why ya moved outta the shuttle and what it means?" What Mal really wanted to ask her why she'd left _Serenity_ six months ago, but he couldn't make the words form. He stood with her in his arms and placed her carefully on the exam bed. Simon was due back soon, but for the moment it was only two of them.

"I'm not quite ready for that yet." She took a deep ragged breath glad to be back on firmer ground with him, though she knew that soon they'd have to wade through some things that she'd rather leave unsaid, but she'd promised herself that this time he'd know the truth, all of it.

……………………………………………………………………

Jayne sat in his bunk trying to make some sense out of the last day. All of his life he'd been running from involvement, now it seemed to be explodin' around him. He knew before Miranda that _Serenity_ had become a second home to him and the people on it were closer than his blood family. But these feelin's he had for River were beyond his understandin'.

Both Zoë and Simon were right. Him wantin' a woman and not takin' her when he could 'a, was plane wrong, even if she was crew. When he'd first joined up, he'd thought Kaylee was mighty fine. He'd flirted with her every chance he got. She'd look back at him with them big eyes 'a hers and laugh at him just like his little sis used ta. T'weren't long afore that's the way he started thinkin' on her.

River was somethin' different. He knew she was a woman since she'd popped outta that box, a ruttin' fine one, even if she was a bit on the crazy side. He didn't know when she'd begun makin' him feel all hot and bothered. He could remember late nights when he had been workin'-out, he'd catch a scent 'a that girly hair soap and had known she'd been watchin'. It used ta make him feel all sorts a manly and powerful.

As Jayne pulled on a clean t-shirt, he froze thinkin' on how River had looked fightin' in the Maidenhead. She'd moved all dainty like a butterfly, but she'd packed a powerful punch as she mowed men down left and right. He remembered thinkin' he'd never seen anything as sexy in his life. When he'd wrapped his arms around her from behind, he'd been shakin', wantin' to pull her to the floor and pound into her slim body.

He'd spent most 'a the next two days drinkin'. The booze and desire were the only excuse he could come up with for tryin' to break Girlie outta that storage closet where Mal had locked her up. It didn't make no sense. Nothin' 'bout the way she made him feel and act made sense. He pulled open his dresser drawer and ran his fingers over her ivory hair clip. He supposed he should give it back, but he didn't wanna. Next to it, he had a small piece of paper where he'd carefully wrapped the hair that had been on his shirt. "_Tamade_, she's turning me into a ruttin' pansy," he muttered.

"Jayne, Kaylee has breakfast ready." Mal pounded on his hatch on his way to the bridge to let River know.

Seven sleepy people gathered around the table. It had been a long night for everyone, but only Simon knew it. It was likely that no one except his patient had gotten more than a few hours of rest.

Mal watched 'Nara carefully to be sure there was nothing that she needed as they ate. He knew she'd been cryin' but he doubted the others could tell. He figured she used one 'a her companion tricks 'cause her eyes weren't nearly as puffy or red as when he'd left her in Simon's care.

Zoë blinked tiredly and her eyes were swollen like she hadn't slept well. She looked slightly green under her dark complexion, but she seemed relaxed for the first time in months.

It had taken River a bit longer to come to the table. She'd been in the middle of checking the Cortex for any new warrants, but it appeared as if the Operative had been correct. For the time being anyway, the Tam siblings were safe. She was surprised to find someone had dished-up a bowl of protein mash and poured a cup of coffee for her.

Jayne looked up and met her eyes as she entered the room. He'd been nervous about seeing her again after what had transpired between them, but just looking at her erased all his doubts. When she smiled at him it made him want to hug her, though he didn't.

"Thank you," she murmured, sure who had been the thoughtful person who had her breakfast ready and waiting for her. He just nodded in response and kept on eating, suddenly hungry for the first time that morning.

"Mal, I'd like ta outfit Girlie with a handgun or two." The Merc looked between the Captain and River. "That big old automatic she had with her is mighty dangerous when used on a target less than twenty-five feet away. I don't want her ta have ta rely on just her stiletto if she gets into a close range fight."

"Sounds like a good idea. What did you have in mind?" The Captain nodded as he ate.

"I got a couple 'a pistols that're kinda small for me. The trigger guards are'a mite snug but Girlie could handle 'em right nice. I could rig that shoulder holster I made for her so she could pack one on each side. It'd be outta her way and still leave her free to do her fancy fightin'."

"You'd give River some of your guns?" Mal had to fight to keep from looking over at Simon. It appeared as if the younger man might have been correct the night before.

"Well not give, exactly…I'd have ta do some work on the grips. Her hands are too small for 'em the way they are, but she could borrow 'em." Anyone who knew anythin' 'bout hand guns knew it would be easier to enlarge the trigger guards than to refit the grips, but no one was sayin' a thing.

"What do you think 'bout that, Little Albatross?" The Captain glanced at his pilot.

"I would appreciate it." She smiled sweetly at the large man beside her.

…………………………………………..

Jayne spent the day doin' heavy labor. He started by cleanin' out the mule. While he worked, he tried not to think, but his mind whirred with thoughts of River. He knew it 't'weren't right for a grown man to think on a female so much, but he couldn't get her outta his head.

The red-clay mud from that ruttin' moon had dried crusty and was hard to get out. He figured that if the terrible rains hadn't washed the stuff off of a good part of the machine, he'd never been able to do it. In desperation he'd dug up a batch 'a Kaylee's homebrew that had fermented a bit too long. That worked pretty well. As much as he was tempted to sip it as he cleaned, he knew the answer to his problem didn't lie in alcohol. He'd done that once and gotten a clunk on the head for bein' all stupid like.

After sprucin' up the mule, rearrangin' every box and crate in the cargo bay and liftin' weights, the big man finally sat down and began workin' on the pistol grips he'd promised Girlie he'd resize for her. A strange peace settled over him as he worked. His thoughts calmed and his insides stopped heavin'. He didn't understand it anymore than he understood anything else that was goin' on inside 'a him recently.

………………………………………….

River spent a long day on the bridge. Her mind kept picking up distress from Jayne's. She'd been foolish to ask him to sleep beside her the night before. She knew he wasn't ready for it, but the thought of the comfort it would bring her had made her desperate. Having had his thoughts surround her as she'd slept made it almost impossible for her to keep him out now, as she did the others.

"Little Albatross, ya need a break?" Mal watched River carefully. Her hands had been shakin' as they gripped the wheel and she had been concentrating on the Black so intently she hadn't heard him join her on the bridge. "'Sides ya got 'bout an hour 'till dinner, and Jayne's in the cargo bay, don't you two usually spar 'bout this time 'a day?"

"Thank you Captain, our course is logged in and there has been nothing out of the ordinary on my watch." She blinked her tired eyes and gazed one more time into the depths of space.

"You're lookin' a mite wore out." He patted her shoulder gently. His concern was easily read. "Ya can pass on the sparring if ya want. Nothin' in my rule book says ya gotta do it every night."

"I shall take your suggestion under advisement." River gave him a tight smile and headed toward the corridor.

……………………………………………….

A few minutes later she found Jayne at the bench he'd set up in the bay for working on weapons that required soldering or heating metal. He was still dressed from his work-out and was concentrating on his task, though she knew he was aware of her presence.

"How ya been, Girlie," his voice was rough as if it hadn't been used in a long time.

"It has been a difficult day." A small part of her wanted to fight him in anger at the confusion he was having, but she knew it was her own fault.

"Come'er, Babe." He put down the pistol he'd been working on and pushed his makeshift table aside so he could pull her into his arms. Unconsciously his thighs spread as his large hands wrapped around her. He wanted to feel her pressed against every inch of his body.

She stepped against him needing to feel his touch. Needing the reassurance she'd lacked all day. Both arms wound around his neck and she pressed her face against his. "All day I could feel your worry, your fear. Why didn't you come to me so we could talk? It is my fault you feel this unrest."

"I…" Jayne was caught by surprise and hurt. "You been reading my thoughts, Girlie?" his voice was like ground glass. He felt betrayed and gripped her shoulders to push her far enough away so he could look into her face.

"I couldn't escape them. They nibbled at my mind all day. They chased me through the ship." She put her hands over her ears as if that would keep out the feelings she'd been picking up. "All day there was no place I could hide from them. My fault, I pushed you. Not ready…not ready. You were my sanctuary, but now there is none…none…I ruined it. I destroyed the ending."

"No, no, t'ain't your fault I…I'm a cantankerous old mercenary, ain't nothing ya can do 'bout that." He held her tightly to him because when she was like that he knew exactly who and what he was, though he didn't have the words to express it. "I should 'a come ta ya, but I ain't used to talkin' 'bout my troubles."

"We ruined _us_, Jayne. I ruined _us_ I'm so sorry." Her whisper was broken with sobs as she tried to pull away. She'd pushed him too fast for her own needs now it was broken and she didn't' see how to put the pieces back together.

"No we didn't, Babe. We just got to figure out who _us_ really is." Something shook loose in his chest as he fought to keep her in his arms. "I gotta hold ya, don't push me away."

"Do you love me?" River was sure she knew the answer, because she'd felt his agitation all day. But she couldn't block him like the others, nor could she completely separate him from herself. She needed his opinion.

"I…ah…I…ah…I ain't never felt that way 'bout no female but my ma or my sis." He gulped, 'cause he couldn't say the word out loud even when talkin' 'bout blood kin.

"I think I knew and not because I'm a reader, but I had to ask." She tried to smile, but it was hard. "Do you desire me?" This time she looked him in the eyes and gently ran a hand over his cheek. Touching him like that gave her the answer before he could speak. The power crackled between them until she was amazed she didn't see small lightening bolts flying from skin to skin.

"You know I do," his words were rough with emotions. "I wish I could say…but…I…won't lie ta ya."

"I know," her eyes fluttered closed as she leaned against him. An easy, temporary, way out was seconds away if they let it and it was very tempting. "I…you make my insides shiver with needs that I never knew existed. I want you to touch me and fill…"

"Gorramnit, don't tell me things like that!" he growled.

"Did you doubt it?" Her body shook against his and she tried to smile at his harsh expression.

"'No! But words make it real…ya don't say the words…then I can think it's only me thinkin' dirty thoughts." He gritted his teeth as his control slipped another notch. "We gotta get back to bein' Mal and Zoë."

"But we're not Mal and Zoë." She shook her head as the truth hit her. "We never were and we never will be. There has always been this power between us, even when my mind was overrun with millions of voices, I could feel yours. You'd insult me. I would tease you. I pushed and you pushed back. I felt the fear and anger in you. In my confusion I took a knife to you, but couldn't…couldn't…" Her hand rested over his chest where she knew a scar to be and she wept at what she had almost done to him.

With his arms holding her tightly and her palm pressed over the place where his scare was, fog filled her mind and made her dizzy. She was swirled away from the present and taken to a place she had no wish to be. _She saw herself as she knelt weeping beside a new gravesite on Haven. Her arms were wrapped protectively around the small swelling in her abdomen. The life that grew in her was the only reason she hadn't done as she'd always assumed she would and followed Jayne when his body ceased to exist. In their two years together she had loved him with an intensity she hadn't realized was possible, though he had never believed he loved her. As he'd told her that day long ago in the cargo bay, words made it real and he'd never been able to say the words._

_The Captain was in the background with his arms around a very pregnant Inara, who was crying openly. Simon held Kaylee as tears ran down her face. It was Zoë who reached down and pulled an almost hysterical girl off her lover's grave, because only Zoë knew how it hurt to lose a part of herself and never get it back._

"Nooooo!" River shrieked. "No, I won't let it happen." She'd caught him by surprise, when she shoved against him with force and an elegant twist of her body, which set her free, as she rolled to the deck. "I will not be the cause of your early death!"

"But what about that vision ya had. You said…you said…" he squinted hard trying to remember her exact words.

"I've ruined it! It is gone. It has all changed!" For the first time since Miranda, River Tam lost complete control. Her shrieks filled the ship. For the first time since Miranda, Simon was forced to give his sister a smoother. For the first time since Miranda the crew gathered after dinner and had a meeting about the River's mental health.

………………………………………..

Jayne sat in the corner of the mess hunched in the large chair where he'd first held her. He'd been sure they'd all blame him, but they didn't. When Inara moved to reach for the bottle she kept stashed behind the tea, Mal glared at her and did her reaching. He helped her carefully portioned out a drink for everyone. When she came to the Mercenary, she filled his to the brim.

"Jayne, you got any idea what set her off like that?" Mal looked at his hired muscle and didn't like what he saw. He was afraid if Little Albatross wasn't gonna be all right, neither would the Merc.

"We was talkin'." He shook his head in confusion and gulped his drink in two swallows. "Ya know, t'ain't fair that everyone on this whole ruttin' boat thinks they got a right to know every gorramn thing 'bout River, but she guards our secrets 'till they eat 'er up inside!" He slammed his cup on the table and glared at each person.

"You been keepin' some 'a her secrets?" The Captain's voice was deadly as he stared at his hired man.

"My secret, really." Jayne looked into the past and could see how it had been eight months earlier. "Ya know how she just knows things." He shrugged, not expecting anyone to answer. "It was that day we was carrying the coffin with your friend from the war."

"Tracey…" Mal shuddered and reached for the bottle to pour some more whiskey into his cup. "Not likely to forget that day anytime soon,' he whispered as Inara ran her hand gently up his back in support.

"Well I was workin' out in the bay. Shepherd Book was with me. I asked him if he was gonna read over me when I got took down." The big gruff man shuddered at the memory. "River was there. She was lyin' on the coffin. I think she'd finally been able to track down one a' them unknown voices she couldn't drown out, but that don't really got anything to do with what happened." He ran his thumb and forefinger through his goatee on either side of his mouth. "After the preacher left, she told me I didn't need to worry, that I'd outlive Shepherd Book by decades. I thought it was a pile a _go se_, 'specially when she said I'd die in bed after having children and grandchildren."

"You thought that was something to keep to your own self?" The Captain sputtered as he pictured the death and destruction that had rained down on Haven.

"The only difference it would 'a made was that Girlie would 'a gotten an extra load 'a them drugs shot into her system." He stood and grabbed the bottle pouring himself another stiff drink.

"He's right you know. None of us would have taken it seriously." Zoë looked at Simon daring him to contradict her, but he only nodded. "But I don't understand what that has to do with today."

"We was gonna talk instead 'a spar. River and I are partners, but not like Mal and Zoë." He shrugged and looked deep into the whiskey in his cup so he missed the knowing smiles on everyone else's' face. "We was tryin' to do like the Doc suggested last night." He looked to Simon for reassurance and was glad when the younger man nodded at him. "We was tryin' to figure out just what we are. She went all quiet like, then all of the sudden she pulled outta my arms and started screamin' sayin' she wouldn't be the cause of my early death. All's I can figure is she had a vision again and things was different than the last time."

"That kinda changes the landscape a mite." Mal sighed. It sounded to him as if they were back to where they started with River.

"Not for anybody but me," Jayne snorted. "Don't see how this concerns any 'a you now that she's quieted down 'nuff so ya can sleep."

"How can you be so sure that she isn't the one who brings about this early death 'a yours." The Captain folded his arms.

"I figure if'n she was gonna kill me she'd done it by now. She's had three mighty good chances. She banged me up some, but that's 'bout all."

"What's your take on this, Doc?" Mal was mighty confused. He liked the girl. She was a good pilot and gave him a huge edge when on jobs. He'd hate for things to go back like they'd been.

"I think we need to see how River is in the morning. But I agree with Jayne, I don't think she'd ever hurt him. I don't think she'd hurt any of us, even under Alliance mind control. I've studied those tapes from the Maidenhead. If she had wanted either of you dead," he looked from Jayne to Mal. "You would be dead."

"Did she see anybody else's death," Zoë had sworn she'd wait until Jayne was alone to ask him, but the words just came out.

"Naw, we talked 'bout it a few weeks back. She was cryin' 'cause she couldn't understand why she hadn't recognized Haven. She feels some powerful guilt 'bout that. She'd seen that gun where Book died, when we visited a time or two before, but hadn't recognized it from seein' his death. It made her wonder if she was goin' crazy again. That's what scares her most in the 'verse, even more than them ruttin' Blue Hands. She's afraid of bein' crazy."

Zoë looked at the big rough man who up until recently hadn't had a thought in his head for anyone but himself. A half smile curved her lips and her eyes looked old and wise as if they knew the secrets of the 'verse. "I think maybe that fear of hers has just taken second place to a whole new one." She nodded, emptied her cup and left the room. River had told her more than once, since Wash's death, that she admired the First-Mate because she was stronger than the girl believed herself to be. The tall dark woman knew it took strength to go on without her husband, but if she'd had to live with the fore knowledge of two possible deaths for Wash she'd have been rolling on the bay floor screaming crazy things too. River Tam was a damn sight stronger than she gave herself credit for.

………………………………………………………..

The next morning River got up at her usual time. She had the early shift on the bridge and she knew that if she was going to put her life back together again, and be sure that Jayne didn't end up dead in the process, she needed to go on as if nothing had happened.

"Mornin' Little Albatross." Mal was surprised to find the girl at her post. He'd gotten up figurin' he'd be doin' all the flying for a while. "You sure it's all right for you ta be here."

"The smoother leaves me with a slight headache, but since Simon has stopped all the other medications, the pain will go away when I get some coffee and breakfast."

"I was speakin' on the other." He moved to the copilot's seat and sat back watching her. "I'm sorry Little One, but Jayne had to tell us about…he called 'em visions."

"When I didn't wake-up in the infirmary, drugged senseless, I assumed he did." She looked carefully over the controls and double checked their course. "I believe the first was another one of my episodes and the second…well…I overreacted. I don't think it's necessary to worry about them."

"I worry 'bout everyone on my ship and everything." He tried to sound captainy but doubted it had come out that way.

"We know and that's why we love you."

"Don't try and pull that _go se_ with me. You got that brother 'a yours wrapped 'round your finger and I get the feelin' that big mean mercenary 'a mine ain't all that far behind him…"

"No…" she whispered and tears filled her eyes. "Please don't say that. All I can do is assure you that I won't do anything that would harm him. I won't fog up his thinking and spin him around. Anything else between Jayne and me is our business."

"You just stay outta my head." He glared, recognizing the words he'd shouted at 'Nara less than an hour after stealing her back from the Training House. River hadn't told him the truth 'bout her 'visions' and he knew it. She was tryin' with all she had to keep him off the scent. He'd let her, for the time bein', but that didn't mean he wasn't gonna be careful.

"Some thoughts can't be avoided, especially when they are very near the surface." She smiled gently and Mal figured he hadn't deceived her one bit, but at least she knew he was watchin'.

……………………………………………………..

Over the next three weeks things appeared to be normal, but they weren't. River and Jayne still sparred every night, but the joy was gone. Both participants would laugh occasionally, but the hollow sound made Kaylee cry. It was nothing like the full throated happiness that used to punctuate their matches.

The small Alliance trained killer and the huge hired gun worked together everyday to perfect their skills. But it was just that, practice and nothing more. Inara would watch them and it broke her heart to see a small hand reach unthinkingly to caress a large arm, but it would be pulled back just before making contact. It always made the two freeze, clear their throats and continue as if nothing had happened. It was just as heart wrenching to see large callused fingers reaching for long silky brown hair, but stop just before they could be lost in the dark strands.

The crew pulled two more jobs successfully. They got paid and no one ended up in Simon's infirmary. It was only when working, that the two hired guns didn't slip and let their feelings show. Both were more serious, and more determined than anyone had ever seen them. By the middle of the third week, River was showing signs of stress. No one knew if they should be relieved or worried, because this time they were physical signs, not mental. There were dark circles under her eyes and she was loosing weight.

A light tapping on the hatch to Jayne's bunk had him out of bed and up his ladder in no time. It was after midnight and they would be on Boros the next day.

"Come with me, you need to see this," Inara whispered to the big man.

"Is River all right?" He dressed quickly. unsure when he'd begun calling her by her real name in front of other people, but it felt right to him so he wasn't gonna stop. 'Sides he had bigger worries.

Simon was standing in the hatch, looking down into the cargo bay from the main steps. The man moved back to let Jayne see what was happening below. The Merc had expected to see River, but he'd never expected to see her as she danced and moved to music only she could hear. He'd seen her dance plenty, but never like this. She had on sweatpants and her usual white top, but her hair was held tightly up on her head. Her feet were bare and she was on tip-toes as she moved. Her arms and body creating complicated patterns as she turned and leapt lightly into the air.

Inara pulled both men back into the mess and they sat looking stunned. "You recognize what she's dancing don't you, Simon?"

"I…ah…It looks familiar, but I haven't been to the ballet in years. River would drag me to a performance occasionally…but…"

"Wait…what's this 'bout? Girlie is exhausted. We need to go down there and stop her." Jayne began to get up when the Companion grabbed him by the t-shirt and wouldn't let go.

"Sit back down!" she ordered.

"What the gorramn hell difference does it make what she's dancin', what ever it is, she's killin' herself doin' it." The Merc glowered.

"It's very important to her stare of mind, especially if she is dancing what I think she is: the second act of Giselle. The forest scene, though since she has no partner, or Corps, she's improvising, adding steps of her own. I may be wrong."

"That's where Giselle dances from midnight to dawn to keep Albrecht from dying." Simon added as he remembered the ballet. "It was always one of my sister's favorites. I believe you are correct."

"You're both talkin' _gou pi_! Have you lost your ruttin' minds?" He was gettin' a sick feeling in his stomach and he didn't like where this was goin'.

"Jayne it makes perfect sense to River." Inara shook his arm with all her strength. It made her ribs twinge, but she didn't care. "The parallels are uncanny if you know the story. The main character is Giselle. In the beginning she appears fragile, almost waif-like. She is taken advantage of by the prince of her country. It drives her mad. The weak version of her dies. Later she emerges sane and strong. This is the part of the story that she's dancing. I've seen her dance it for the last three nights. She is begging for the life of the man she loves. When her request is turned down, she uses her love to support him. All he has to do is survive until dawn, and then he will live. She uses her strength and dances with him, even when fatigue overtakes him, she keeps on dancing."

"What are ya sayin'? Parts of it I can understand, but why is she dancing?" He buried his face in his hands unable to say what he really meant, and wanting to deny it with all his might.

"I know my sister cares about you, just like I know you care about her." Simon shrugged surprised it didn't upset him more to be having that conversation with the Merc. "If Inara is correct, and I think she is, the key is what River perceives to be the reason her vision changed. She won't talk about it to me, except to say the first time she was having an episode and the second time was an over reaction.

"No," Jayne shook his head and growled. "We talked about that first vision a few nights before we left Persephone. She was a mite raggedy around the edges emotionally. We'd been working in the outside duct late at night." He nodded to Simon. When the younger man blushed he knew that the Doc knew exactly which night he was referrin' to. "She was scared, and unsure what was happening, 'cause the Shepherd had died the way she'd known he would. She didn't trust what she'd seen 'cause she had doubts about her sanity afore Miranda. She needed ta know it wasn't some crazy thing from her past, so she deliberately recalled the vision. It was the same. I died an old man, in bed, children, grandchildren." He shrugged unsure if that was that they needed to know or not.

"I think she is dancing to try and keep you alive." Simon smiled as he thought of his sister. "It is something that is consistent with the person River was before the Academy, a girl genius who liked to express herself through dance."

"That's plumb crazy!"

"There is that possibility as well." The Doc shrugged, though he was sure it wasn't the answer. "Remember when I mentioned she used to have what I called _flashes of brilliants._ Not everyone saw them as such."

"Flashes of brilliants, my ass!" the big man muttered and scowled fiercely sure that craziness ran in the Tam family.

"Did she ever say anything about the woman in your life?" Inara rested her hand on Jayne's knee, curious, but also attempting to keep him from hitting the Doc.

"No." He thought for a moment. "Wait…The first time I told her she was crazy, cause I was always careful when I was with...well you know. Then she mumbled something from that Chinese samurai she likes ta read…ah…Lao…Lao-Tzu. It was something 'bout courage, strength and lo…lo..." He stuttered unable to say the word love. "Just made me think she was really nuts."

"'_To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.'_ Is that the one?" The Companion knew the quote well, but it had only been the last two years that she'd believed its words.

"Yeah, that's it."

"But did she say anything specific about who the woman was or what she looked like?" 'Nara kept digging.

"I asked her straight out who the whore was." The Merc was lost and confused and didn't think Inara was helpin' any. "She just said she didn't see one." His face was buried in his hands so he missed the surprised look exchanged by the two people sitting across from him.

"Jayne do you love my sister?" Simon almost whispered the question.

"Why does everyone keep askin' me that?" he exploded. "I can't say the ruttin word, how the gorramn hell do you expect me to feel it!"

"Who else asked you that?" Inara looked at him with dark worried eyes.

"River," he sighed. "The night we was tryin' ta talk it out." He got up and began to pace. "She knew. She already knew the answer. I'd been fussin' all day, and she felt it. She was mighty upset, but not at me, at herself. Kept sayin' she'd pushed me, asked too much 'a me. But it don't make no sense. It was the day after I stayed in the shuttle with her. But I swear Doc, I didn't…I didn't use her like some trim. She's been through too much _go se_ in her life. The first time she's with a man like that it's gotta be somethin' special." He got a faraway look in his eyes as he remembered what it felt like to hold Girlie in his arms and sleep. "She done somethin' special for me that night, though. I never just held a woman without no sexin'. Got the best sleep," he muttered.

"Interesting," Simon had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. He never in his life expected to see Jayne Cobb lovesick and if anyone had told him a year ago that it would be over his sister, he would have ordered a mental scan.

"Ya think, it's 'cause Girlie and I are sorta…well…we're…ah friends?" It was the best he could do, especially in front of River's brother. T'weren't no way he was gonna admit to feelin' all hot and bothered about the girl to him. "Think I miss meetin' up with the piece a trim she seen me with in the first place? Not that her and I…I'd never…but…and that changes everything somehow?" His was interrupted by a loud bang in the cargo bay, followed by a gasp that he'd recognize anywhere.

Jayne turned and glared at Simon and Inara. "You stay here. I'll take care 'a this!" He pounded down the stairs not caring if he woke the devil himself. He was just mighty relieved ta be doin' somethin' that might help and not gabbin' like a nitwit.

River looked up in surprise from where she was huddling on the deck. She'd already tried to push herself up to a sitting position once but her arms had given out. "Jayne," she squeaked. "What are you doing here?

"I could ask the same 'a you." He stood tall and fierce over her. His hands fisted on his hips and his eyes spitting blue fire. "Up ya go." He wasn't polite and didn't ask permission. He simply leaned over, grabbed her by the arms to pull her up and toss her over his left shoulder.

"You can't do this!" She pounded on his back. "Put me down."

"Oh yes I can and no I won't, 'less ya plan on makin' me." His strides ate up the steps to the catwalk and he was at the shuttle in no time at all. He yanked the hatch open and walked in.

"Stop! I'm not through. There's still more I have to…" She gasped as he dropped her on the bed and followed her down to pin her in place.

"More you have ta dance? That ain't gonna keep me alive River." He rolled on his side with her held tightly in his arms with one leg thrown across both of hers to keep her in place.

"I have to try." She wiggled to get out of his hold.

"It's just gonna drive ya to exhaustion." Jayne hated to admit it, but Simon had been right. "The way I figure it, you bein' too exhausted to do your job just might get me dead!"

"Jayne please don't do this, please," she begged as she gripped the front of his t-shirt and pressed as close to him as she could get.

"I don't know what's got you so upset, but someday soon you're gonna trust me enough ta tell me." He kissed her forehead, but it only made her shake more, as she fought to keep from breaking down as she'd done two and a-half weeks earlier. "I told ya before we was gonna have some rough patches 'till we got this figured out. We need to add one more thing to that little rule of ours that says no gun, knives or airlocks if we get angry or upset with each other. We gotta add that we'll be honest 'bout what's goin' on, or we're gonna find ourselves usin' them guns, knives or airlocks."

"I had to do something," she sobbed. "It was all I could think of to do. In the middle of the night, when I was all alone, it made perfect sense."

"I know, Babe. Inara tried to explain what ya was dancin'. Part of it makes sense and part don't, but it were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." His right hand was deep in her hair and he'd tilted her face so he could see her beautiful eyes. Something warm and soft filled him and burst deep in his chest. He could hardly breathe as he leaned in to kiss her. He knew if he could just find the name for the feeling he was havin' everything would be all right, but it was just outta his reach. "Ya gotta remember ya ain't alone no more."

"We're just going to make this worse," she whispered against his lips.

"No we ain't. Worse is the last two weeks. You were right. I am strong enough to hold ya while ya sleep and not try ta get in ya pants, 'cause anythin' is better than bein' tore up the way I been. The way we both been."

"You shouldn't stay." She wanted him sleeping beside her badly but was still frightened of the consequences.

"I ain't givin' ya a choice in the matter." He reached for the blanket behind her and pulled it over her shoulder. "Gotta make sure you stay warm."

"You do a good job of that." She held his hand against her face and kissed his palm. "I really do like your hands." She wanted to feel his skin against hers, but couldn't ask it.

"You're a strange one, River Tam, but I…" Suddenly he couldn't remember what he was gonna say. The word was on the tip of his tongue, but his mind was drawing a blank. "Go ta sleep, Babe. I got ya." He rested his chin on the top of her head and rubbed her back under her top until he felt her body completely relax and her breathing become deep and even. Only then did he let himself follow her into sleep.

…………………………………………………………………..

Simon moved to the main circuit box in the galley and turned off the lights in the cargo bay. "We won't be seeing them again tonight."

"You're all right with that?" Inara's brows rose as she got up.

"I don't think I've got a choice. What do you want to bet that my sister is the woman in her vision? She is too sneaky for her own good." The Doc shook his head and laughed. "Telling him she didn't see a whore when he asked about the woman."

"Sorry, I'm not taking that bet." She smiled. "I'm just happy Jayne thought that entire ballet analogy was _chun_. Most scholars believe that up until almost midway through the second act, the prince Giselle died for, and danced to save, was like our mercenary used to be."

"As you said the parallels were uncanny. I have no doubt that early in the dance, the Prince would have sold Giselle back to the Academy, if the money had been enough."

"Simon." Inara shook her head and pulled her flashlight from her pocket as she headed toward the back stairs. Her lonely bed in the dorm beckoned. It was made all the more lonely because tonight, she and Mal were the only ones sleeping alone.


	12. Where Strength And Courage Are Found

199

**Disclaimer: **It all belongs to Joss

**Rating: R**

**Pairing: **Jayne/River; Mal/Inara; Simon/Kaylee; Zoë/Wash's memories

**Beta: My magic beta lady – Ceslas**

**Notes: Final chapter – **The plan is for the **Mal/Inara** storyline to be completed in their own story

**_Voices And Visions_**

_By_

_Lattelady _

**_Ch 12 Where Strength And Courage Are Found_**

Inara was almost to the stairs by the engine room when she heard Simon close the hatch to Kaylee's bunk. She froze with one hand gripping her flashlight and the other flat against the bulkhead. She knew that if she were smart she'd keep right on going, but she also knew that there was one thing that needed to be done before she crawled into her solitary bed. In the past she wouldn't have questioned herself, but lately she was doing things that defied explanation. A quick internal check didn't give her any answers.

Turning on her heel she headed back the way she'd come. Back, three-quarters of the length of the ship until she was at the hatch of the first bunk on the starboard side. Kneeling she knocked quietly and snapped off her light. Moments later Malcolm Reynolds's head and shoulders popped up. He was blinking sleep out of his eyes, his hair was mussed and Inara was caught completely by surprise at the sight of him half-dressed; at least she hoped he was dressed on his bottom half.

"'Nara?" he whispered and wondered if he was still dreaming.

"I need to talk to you for a minute." She shivered at the sight of him.

"Com'on." He gestured for her to follow him down the ladder then stopped. "Did the Doc say it was okay you for ta be climbin' 'round like this?"

"_Wo hao_," she rolled her eyes. "It's been two and a-half weeks since he did the repair. I'm fine." In all her time on _Serenity,_ she could count on one hand how often she'd been in Mal's bunk. That included three of the nights she'd spent sitting at his side when he'd been too ill to be left alone, but too stubborn to stay in the infirmary after being released from the hospital. Those three nights wouldn't have been possible if River hadn't assisted her down the ladder.

"What can I do for ya?" He pointed toward the chair at his desk, but she ignored it, even when he plopped onto his bed. "It's a mite late for a social call."

"Yes…I…ah." One look at her surroundings and she knew this wasn't wise. She shivered and paced. If she took him up on his offer of a place to sit, she was afraid she'd never leave. "It's about River."

"Was she doin' that dancin' thing ya told me 'bout?" He leaned his elbows in his knees and watched the normally unshakable Companion fidget. "She gonna be all right?"

"For tonight," Inara laughed quietly and turned away from the sight of him sitting on an open bed. "Jayne threw her over his shoulder and carried her off to the shuttle. He wasn't about to let her argue with him. He'll see that she gets some sleep."

"Times that man shows a heap 'a intelligence." Mal moved so quietly 'Nara hadn't realized he was inches away, until she was trapped between his body and desk. "I conjure that's somethin' I should 'a done a long time ago. Though not sure how much sleepin' we'd 'a gotten," his whisper caused her to jump. She felt his hands hovering just above her shoulders and his breath warm against her neck. It made her tingle and her skin catch fire. He was so close that when she turned her arm grazed his chest.

"That's not what I came here for." Her eyes were wide and she searched her soul to be sure of her reasons.

"Ain't it?" He felt heat radiating off her body. It took all his strength to keep from pulling her to his bed.

"No," she shook her head and gasped when he slowly slipped his hand along her jaw until he was cupping her cheek with his fingers buried in her hair. "Mal, we've already made more than our share of foolish mistakes. I won't survive many more."

He watched her careful, unsure what was goin' on in her head. There was just enough light in his bunk to see pain and fear in her eyes, two emotions he would have bet his life she didn't know the meanin' of, but since Miranda, they had been her constant companions. "Just tell me what ya need, darlin'. I'll do what I can for ya."

"River is exhausted…"

"I'll take the early bridge watch."

"Thank you." She couldn't pull her eyes away from his. The only sound she heard was the quiet hum of _Serenity's_ engine powered down for the night.

"'Nara." He slipped his arms around her and pulled her close.

"This isn't….I can't…" Air sighed out of her lungs as she settled against him. She gave into the luxury of letting someone support her mentally and physically for the first time since she was a very young girl.

"Hush," he muttered in her ear. "You don't need ta worry. I just want ta hold ya for a bit. I ain't gonna push ya."

"I know. I understand." She enjoyed his skin against her cheek, neck and warm under her arms. "I need to figure some things out." She knew he didn't want the woman she'd been, but he deserved better than the half-person she'd become since her discovery of the atrocities on Miranda.

"Ya better go then." He pulled free of her and gently pushed her shoulders toward the ladder. "I'd rather hate myself right now, than have you hate me in the mornin'."

For a second that seemed to last a lifetime, she stood motionless, indecision written clearly on her face, and then she turned and fled. If she'd ever had any doubts that she loved him, they had just been washed away. She had never had anything but professional casual sex, and Malcolm Reynolds didn't have a casual bone in his body. When they came together they both needed to be as whole and complete as they could be and sure of what they were doing.

……………………………………………

River heard the bass rumble of Jayne's voice echoing from deep below her ear. It sounded like he was talking to Inara, not her, so she snuggled closer and ignored it. For the first time in weeks she was surrounded by peace and quiet. The man who was holding her had the power to keep everyone else's thoughts out.

Later her eyes opened. Her face was pressed against Jayne's neck. One of his hands was buried in her hair and the other rested against her back, under her top. She floated in his presence, enjoying the quiet his closeness provided. Carefully, a millimeter at a time, she moved one small hand up his chest until it was resting on the spot where only his thin t-shirt material separated her touch from his scars. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the ridged pale lines that were all that was left of where she'd slashed him with a butcher knife.

Nothing happened. She hung suspended in the present as she tried to force her thoughts into the future. Biting her lip to keep from moaning in disappointment she reached under his shirt.

"Oh no, you don't, Babe," his sleepy voice startled her as he took hold of her wrist and brought her hand to his mouth to kiss it. "You're just gonna drive yourself crazy doin' that. Nothing's changed in the past three weeks."

"How do you know?" She tried to keep the desperation out of her voice, but could tell by his expression she hadn't fooled him.

"'Cause we ain't said more 'an ten words to each other that weren't 'bout business and it ain't business that's got you so twisted 'round." With a deft movement he turned her until she was on her back with his body pressed against her side. He quickly slid his hand under her top and pushed it up. "I think ya need something to keep your mind off your troubles. This worked once. I'm just gonna give ya a bit more ta concentrate on this time."

"We can't!" Her back arched and she felt his bristly whiskers as his lips moved under her jaw while his hands skimmed over her skin.

"I know. _We_ can't, but it's 'bout time _you _did." As much as he wanted to take off his shirt so he could feel his skin against hers, he didn't trust her not to try and search out her vision using his scars to find her way. 'Sides he figured this was 'bout her and not him, 'bout her feelin' somethin' she'd never felt afore. He'd take care 'a his own self later.

"Jayne," she whispered his name lost in the sensations he was creating as he ran his fingers lightly over her breasts, making her skin tingle.

She was soft and smelled so sweet it made him dizzy as he kissed his way down her throat and chest until he had one nipple firmly between his lips.

His warm mouth sucked, as his tongue flicked. The hardening spot of sensitive flesh was surrounded by the exciting scratch of his goatee. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly to her, arching closer, wanting more, needing more. She could feel everything he did to her separately and all at once. It made her blood sing and wiped away anything but the joy he brought her.

He could see the rapt expression on her face without moving. It made him want to hold on tighter, feel more, and explore everywhere. His right hand cupped her other breast and it made her moan, as her hips rocked needing something, anything.

"Shhhh…put your hands on my shoulders. I ain't goin' anywhere." He threw one leg over both of hers and separated them slightly but kept nibbling and playing until she was gasping for breath. "River," he murmured and slid his arm under her so he could hold her close. "Open your eyes, Babe. Look at me."

"Don't stop," she begged as she gazed into blue fire. Her hands clutched his muscular arms as if they were the only solid things in a shifting world.

"I ain't gonna, don't worry none. Just want ya lookin at me is all." His right hand slowly moved off her breast, over her stomach and beneath the waist of her sweatpants. "You still okay?" He ran his tongue around the rigid peak of her breast once more and felt her tremble, but when her eyes sagged closed he shifted until his face was inches from hers. "I want ta watch ya. Then I know I ain't hurtin' ya."

"Not hurt, you wouldn't hurt me." She opened her eyes. "I can feel your need. It is everywhere, in me and all around me."

"I ain't ever needed a woman like I need you. Ain't ever needed ta touch and feel more than be touched and felt." His hand moved down under her panties. She was wet, warm and waiting for him.

"Ohhh," she moaned and rocked against his probing fingers. There was a tightening deep in her belly and she felt as if she was wound up and about to explode. Jayne had made her ache before, but never like this. It throbbed in her ears and clawed at her like an ancient animal from Earth-That-Was. "More..."

"Oh yeah," his voice was thick with desire as he felt her stiffen beneath his hand.

"Jayne!" she gasped and her breath caught deep in her throat. His fingers kept working their magic. She felt herself begin to break apart, but all she could see was the blue of his eyes. Then she was diving into them, they were surrounding her in color, as they wrapped her in their warmth and split her apart on a subatomic level. She shook in the vastness of the hadron he'd created, sure that each quark was easily visible to the naked eye. It didn't matter if its flavor was up, down, charm, strange, top, or bottom. They were there in the light show he'd created. "Jayne," she whispered as she felt herself beginning to reassemble, something new and whole, with no broken parts. "Jayne…"

"_Ren ci de Fo zu."_ He'd felt plenty 'a women pretend ta come, but this was the real thing. He could feel her muscles contracting against his palm as she made tiny mewing sounds of pleasure. What amazed him the most was he'd never watched it happen before. He'd never looked a woman in her eyes as they darkened, and grew large as her body shook. It was as if in that instant he'd seen River's soul and he knew for sure if he'd been inside 'a her, he would 'a touched it.

She lay unmoving, under his hands and wrapped tightly in his arms. He could see the rise and fall of her chest and the melted chocolate of her eyes. It was all that told him she was still alive. He kissed her and began to pull his hand away from her warmth.

"No!" she called out and gripped his wrist to keep it in place. Her hips rocked against his fingers. She cried out as an intense sensation shot from her over-sensitized nerve endings, almost blinding her. It was different than before, white hot and sharp, more than pleasure but less than pain.

"Easy honey, ya gotta let yourself come down a bit." He wanted to run his hand through her hair ta gentle her, but she wouldn't let go 'a his wrist so he settled for playing with the strands that had fallen over the arm that was keepin' her pinned against him. "Take some real deep breaths."

She nodded and slowly let go of his hand. Her body was more alive that it had ever been, but heavy almost unable to move. "I want to touch you." Lost, unsure of what she was doing she reached for his belt, but her fingers were clumsy and fumbled with the buckle as her knuckles grazed his abdomen.

"Not tonight. Tonight is for you." He pulled away from her delicate center and took hold 'a her wrists. "Let me be the one who did the pleasurin'. I done too much takin' in my life."

"Hold me?" she was still lost in the maelstrom he'd created and she was surprise she was able to speak at all, as her body shook. She could feel her need, his need and a deep strength that rose from him and surrounded her. She rode the swift current of his emotions and they lulled her into complete peace. For the first time since she was fourteen years old, she knew she was totally safe. "Don't let me go."

"I got ya, Babe." He pulled her into the crook of his arm and ran his hand through her hair, kissing her forehead. "I got ya." Their bodies were pressed together and he could feel every inch 'a her. He'd never felt want like he did at that moment and he was surprised that he hadn't taken the relief she'd offered him.

"You feel so good." She wiggled closer to him, needing as much as he was willing to give her.

"Shhh, sleep, River, sleep." He looked down and watched as her lids grow heavy. He felt her breathing deepen and slow.

"Ya let me see into your soul," he whispered as he held her close. He didn't understand what it was about this small woman that kept givin' a man like him new experiences. He watched his fingers move slowly through her hair. They had brought her such pleasure minutes earlier. Now all he wanted was to gently touch her. It made him shake his head in wonder. He was a big rough mercenary who was used ta takin' not givin'. When he was with a woman he's main interest was gettin' his rocks-off and gettin' on his way, but not with River, somethin' 'bout her changed all the rules. With her he'd had the strength to…the strength to…

He remembered that quote 'a hers. The first time he'd head her sayin' it was months ago when he'd still thought she was crazy but Inara had repeated it a few weeks back.

'_To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.'_

He remembered hearing other things. Simon's voice was clear in his mind from both times they talked.

'_It's not the worst thing in the worlds and all their moons, to care more about a woman than you do yourself.'_

'_I know how a man touches a woman he desires. In eighteen months I've never seen you put aside something you wanted because someone else would be hurt or inconvenienced. Do yourself and River a favor and figure out why you did tonight.'_

'_Do you love my sister?'_

"Yeah," he gasped as the knowledge hit him with the force of a grenade. "_Tianna!_ Yes…" He rocked her slight frame against his. "I love ya, River-girl," he mouthed the words. "Now I just gotta figure out how ta convince you 'a that." Zoë's words rang in his head and he finally understood what the woman had been tryin' ta tell him.

'_You should understand that no matter how much time you have with a person, it will never be enough. I don't care if it's two minutes or a lifetime. You find that one person who…who…fills up your soul and time just doesn't matter, anymore than age or experience.'_

Suddenly it didn't matter to Jayne if he lived another two years or fifty, as long as they could be spent with River Tam by his side. As she slept, his mind worked harder than he ever thought it had. He figured the toughest part was gonna be gettin' her to agree. He knew she cared 'bout him, but was it enough? She'd panicked somethin' fierce when she'd realized he might die sooner than she'd expected.

They'd been pressed close to each other in a corner of the cargo bay and kissin'. He knew enough 'bout women to realize they had been 'bout two seconds away from movin' behind the crates and peeling off each other's clothes. The girl was inexperienced, but she was a reader and as hard as she tried to keep people's thoughts out, he doubted she would 'a been surprised if he'd picked her up and carried her into the shadows.

He almost stopped breathing when he thought 'bout those few minutes. What had he felt 'sides an almost unstoppable desire for her?

'_Do you love me?'_ He remembered her askin' him that. He laughed at the ruttin' fool he'd been, 'cause he hadn't been able to say the words. Lookin' back he knew for certain sure that what he felt for her now, was no different than it had been, but like the _hundan_ he'd been all his life, he hadn't been able ta admit it.

'_I…ah…I…ah…I ain't never felt that way 'bout no female but my ma or my sis.'_ He'd thought he'd been being so smart, skirtin' the answer, so he wouldn't have to look too deep at what he'd been feelin'.

She was just an innocent young girl and had had the nerve to tell him what she'd really felt. '_You make my insides shiver with needs that I never knew existed. I want you to touch me and fill…'_ He'd never let her finish what she was sayin'. It had grabbed at his gut and had lit him on fire. All he'd done was yell at her and had told her not to say the words 'cause it made 'em true.

Next thing he knew she was rollin' on the floor screamin' that she'd caused his early death. It still didn't make no sense. He didn't give a hang 'bout when he died, as long as River was safe and with him up ta the end.

"How am I gonna convince you 'a that, Babe?" He kissed her and pulled her top back down into place with shake of his head. What the ruttin' hell was he doin'? He was a breast man. He usually liked 'em large 'cause he had large hands, but River's were the most perfect set he'd ever seen or felt. Coverin' 'em up was plain wrong, but he weren't taken any chances 'a anyone else walkin into the shuttle and seein' her like that. "The Doc must 'a been right," he sighed. "There is a difference 'tween sexin' and makin'…love." Jayne knew he ached something fierce, with need for Girlie, but what they'd done had everythin' ta do with love and nothin' ta do with sexin'.

……………………………………………..

By the next afternoon, Jayne wasn't any closer so solvin' his problem. But at least the terrible tension that had kept River at arms length was missin'. They were back ta being them, whatever the ruttin' hell that was. She'd give him lingerin' touches when no one was lookin'. He'd smooth her hair and they both laughed.

They'd landed on Boros mid-mornin' and were headed toward the seedy bar where they were to meet their contact for the next job. He and Girlie had gone ahead on foot. Mal and Zoë were to follow later in the mule. They'd never worked with the men they were meeting, so the Captain wasn't taken any chances. All four of them would be in the bar. But they wouldn't be sitting together. The two hired guns were to be watching out for trouble.

"I still don't see problems for the Captain." River frowned. It was the same thing she'd been saying all day. She was picking up some very odd vibrations in the air, but they didn't have anything to do with the job. She and Jayne had slowed their pace as she'd done one last check. The town that was their destination was a quarter of a mile away.

"You doin' all right?" He watched her carefully. "Ya didn't get much sleep last night."

"My hours spent in suspension of consciousness were more than sufficient because they were extremely relaxing and deep, thanks to your…ah…" Her hand brushed his arm and she played with his leather sleeve.

"Huh?" He glared at her and wrapped his large hand around her smaller one. "Ya know Girlie, you only start talkin' in them confusin' words when ya get troubled or embarrassed. T'ain't nothin' to be embarrassed 'bout." His thumb stroked her skin not thinkin' 'bout what he was doin' as he smiled at the flush on her cheeks.

"If we have this discussion again, we will be standing here when the Captain and Zoë come by in the mule. They will discover us talking in the middle of the road, instead of sitting in the establishment we are heading toward so we may watch their backs."

"Honey, if we get into this again, we won't be talkin', we'll be kissin'."

"The probability of that is very high," she sighed wondering what had happened to her determination to stay away from Jayne. Ever since she'd awoken in his arms all she'd wanted to do was touch him.

He chuckled as he let go of her and they picked up their pace to a quick walk. They'd lost time twice already and he wasn't 'bout to do it again, no matter how interested he was in the soft skin on the top of her hand. "Gotta say, that you look mighty pretty in your new duds."

"Thank you," she refused to look at him because she knew that would only start them off again. "I bought them for functionality not as an enhancement." She'd learned by the second job they'd pulled that she needed clothes made of sturdier material or she'd be constantly replacing them. Her share of the take from that rainy moon job had gone to purchase the deep green canvas three-quarter length split skirt, and matching jacket she was wearing.

"Ya should 'a made Mal buy 'em for ya." Jayne frowned as he remembered the tear in her dress and the large bruise that had formed on her left thigh when she'd had ta fight ta disarm a disagreeable contact.

"I buy my own things!" She stuck her nose in the air, not comfortable where the conversation was going and unsure why.

"Ya let me buy them boots, for ya and the hair thingy."

"Ahh…but you are the one who is always complaining that it is inappropriate for me to go around without foot apparel. These were a most considerate gift. They are soft enough to move easily in combat." She loved the smooth well tanned leather of her footwear. "I shall be careful not to get Reaver blood on them." The once soft boots that Inara had given her when she'd moved to the Training House had become stiff and hard after being worn in the battle on Mr. Universe's moon. She refused to admit that just the thought of putting them on had made her insides hurt. "The barrette was something you promised me if you could not find the one I lost in the rain storm."

"Knew ya couldn't do that fancy fightin' 'a yours in them old heavy clunkers that was hand-me downs from Kaylee," he mumbled, refusing to talk about the hair clip. A part of him felt guilty for never returning the one he had stashed in his dresser. "'Sides now ya look like someone to be taken seriously." He nodded his head and looked at her out of the corner of his eyes. She had her stiletto strapped 'round her waist and her jacket was large enough, over those tiny tops 'a hers, to partially conceal both hand guns she carried in the shoulder holster he'd rigged for her. Today she'd left her automatic rifle behind, along with the bandolier that carried its ammo.

"This appears to be the establishment." She wrinkled her nose at the stench of unwashed bodies, urine and stale liquor that permeated the air as they approached the door.

"Ya pickin' up any danger?" He watched her carefully as she frowned.

"No…not…really…something is unusual, but there is no bloodshed." She didn't like the foggy feeling she was getting. She knew that something was ahead of them, but it didn't feel like death or danger. "I am sorry. There is nothing more I can tell you."

"Don't worry, but stick close by me, ya hear." Jayne ordered as he put on his meanest scowl and stepped through the doors with River beside him. Since he was staring menacingly at any man who looked her way, he missed that she rolled her eyes at his over-protectiveness. She was more than capable of taking care of herself and him too.

They took a table in the corner where they could watch everything that was going on in the room without being obvious about it. Moments later a tall man wearing a long brown coat and an equally tall woman strode through the doors. The couple looked around until a small red-headed man nodded at them and invited them to join him and a friend for a drink.

River was finding it hard to concentrate on the Captain and Zoë and what was going on at the table ten feet away. She was aware that someone was watching Jayne and it made her nervous. She carefully picked up her whiskey and pretended to sip as her eyes slowly perused the room. It was then she saw the woman. One quick glance into the whore's mind and the reader felt her stomach lurch. She gripped her glass to keep from placing a possessive hand on the Merc's arm.

"Everythin' all right?" The big man had noticed a change in Girlie's breathin' pattern.

"Yes, the Captain is concluding his business now." It was safe. There was no danger in the form of death or blood. She weighed her choices as Zoë beckoned for them to take the seats vacated by the red-haired man and his bald-headed companion. In that second she could feel the future rushing upon her and would have done anything to avoid the moment she knew she couldn't side step. She loved Jayne, but wouldn't let him die uselessly because she couldn't let him be with another woman. He had given her so much the night before and hadn't cared enough about her to take what she offered. He needed relief from the sexual desires that had never left him all day. It was what he required if he was to live long enough to grow to love her.

"Hi ya handsome." The bleached-blonde hussy put her hand on Jayne's arm. "Since your daughter's gonna join your friends over there, how about you and I gettin' better acquainted. You could… buy me a drink or…something."

"Huh?" He'd noticed the woman, when he'd been checking out everyone who was in the bar, but he'd seen her as nothing but a possible threat to the lives of his friends. For one second it caught him by surprise, 'cause she was the kind of woman he would have welcomed in the past. Now all she did was infuriate him by reminding him of how much younger Girlie was than he. "She ain't my daughter."

"Daddy I'll…" River couldn't get the words out and make her wobbly legs move at the same time. She opted for movement and headed toward Zoë and the Captain.

"Just a ruttin' minute." Jayne roared. "I'm not interested, and she ain't my daughter. She's my…she's my…." He hated that he couldn't put a label ta what they was. He grabbed River by the arm and began hauling her toward the door. "Mal you and Zo want ta' stay for a drink then you're walkin. The girl and I got somethin' ta settle 'tween us and we ain't doin' it in public!"

"Let me go!" Flashing brown eyes met dangerous blue one.

"Only way you're gettin' free is if'n ya wipe the floor with my ass. Now come on!" He pulled her through the door and tossed her into the back of the mule. "Ya want 'a tell me what that 'daddy' business was all 'bout?" He climbed in beside her as the other two followed behind. Zoë was trying hard not to laugh, but Mal looked furious.

"She was…I've seen the pictures…I've seen…" She'd been to his bunk and seen the women he kept on display

"You've seen!" Jayne exploded. "Now I get it. She's the one ain't she? She's the one ya saw way back…months ago when ya was still crazy. The one ya think will keep me livin' 'till I'm an old man. Well I gotta tell ya honey, there's livin' and there's livin'. Any length 'a time spent with that…that, well I ain't interested. I'd rather die young."

River's mouth dropped open and tears filled her eyes as the mule zoomed away from its parking spot. She was seething mad and so was Jayne, but they were going too fast to talk unless they were huddled together and neither was about to move any closer to the other. Each sat in a corner with their arms crossed and waves of anger almost visibly floating off of them.

Five minutes later they were in _Serenity's_ cargo bay. "Okay you two. I'm not even gonna mention the heap of unwanted attention you called down on our heads!" Mal stood and glared at his fuming hired guns while Zoë locked the door and got on the communicator to Inara. "I don't know what in Buddha's hairy balls that was all 'bout, but ya could 'a gotten us killed or lost us the job, if your timin' had been different!"

"Captain…" River tried to cut in.

"Mal…" Jayne growled.

"Shut-up the both 'a ya. Hand over your weapons."

"No one takes my girls."

"Jayne _do not_ argue with me! Hand-them-over! I want everything. I don't want either of you to have so much as a toothpick in your pockets!" Once the guns and knives had been piled in the mule, the angry Captain took a deep breath. "You two are gonna settle this once and for all. I've disarmed ya so it won't be quite so easy for ya ta kill each other, but knowin' ya the way I do, I have no doubt that ya could come up with somethin'"

"We promised no guns, no knives….noooo…" River buried her face in her hands as she burst into tears.

"And no more cryin'! That's gotta be dealt with too!" Mal was beginning to come unglued, but liked to believe it wasn't showing. He was willin' to deal with 'Nara when she had tears. He figured if what he'd heard River say that one night was true, he'd caused some 'a them and it was payback time, but just 'cause he was the captain didn't mean that he had to deal with anyone else's.

"Now look what ya done, ya made, Girlie…" Jayne wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close as he frowned at the man below him.

"Me…me? I ain't the one she's cryin' bout. I ain't the one who was saddlin' up to a whore after spendin' the night in the shuttle with Little Albatross. My way a thinkin' ya owe the girl an apology and then some!"

"I wasn't the one doin' the saddlin' or leadin' anybody to believe I was their 'daddy'!"

"Do not start with that nonsense!" Mal only heard the word 'daddy' and saw red. He pulled his gun and pointed it at his hired muscle. He'd been wondering when he was gonna start gettin' the 'Captain-Daddy' jokes. This was not the time for it!

"No, don't shoot him!" River squeaked and threw her much smaller body in front of the large one beside her. "You have misunderstood him." She was still wiping tears from her face and was shaking.

"Don't you never do that again!" Jayne erupted at her. "You ain't never ta step in front of me like that, when some hot head has a gun pointed, ya hear!"

"But he might have shot you," she argued. "I weighted the percentages and the Captain was less likely to shoot me than you."

"One more word from either 'a you that ain't getting' to the bottom of all this silly and plain stupid behavior and I'll shoot the both 'a ya! Now I got a ship ta fly, since my pilot seems ta have taken leave 'a her senses." He turned toward the First-Mate who had gathered all the weapon's and was watching her best friend wondering if she shouldn't get the Doc to check his blood pressure. "You 'bout ready?"

"Yes, sir," she did her best to say it with a straight face, but she knew that the corners of her mouth twitched.

"_Qingwa cao de liumang chusheng xai-jiao de xiang huo_," the Captain muttered all the way up the stairs. He knew he'd been a mite cantankerous all day, but he hadn't gotten 'a wink of sleep after 'Nara left his bunk. The things that woman could do to a man's body without even tryin', it made him tremble to think what it'd be like if…if…Gorramnit, he weren't gonna think about that!

Jayne climbed down out of the mule and turned to the woman frozen in place with tears filling her eyes. "C'mere," he held up his arms and helped her gently down. "I didn't hurt ya when I tossed ya up there afore, did I?"

"No," she shook her head.

"Ya never did answer my question, 'bout that woman. Was she the one?"

"I told you I never saw a whore." Her lips quivered and she quickly covered them with her fingers.

"Then why?"

"You had great need to be with a woman. You've been most polite and kind to me. I've respected the privacy of your mind, but you shout your desires; I can't help hearing them." She straightened her spine and turned toward him with a practiced cool smile that would have passed her mother's inspection. "I have seen you with women in the past. She is what you would choose."

"I ain't polite and I ain't kind, and I am beginning to doubt just how good a reader ya are if ya thought I wanted that woman."

"You needed someone. There were no others and you wouldn't take sexing from me last night." Her smile broke to be replaced with sadness.

"Nope, don't want ya for sexin'." He stepped into her personal space.

"That was made clear to me and it is just as well, it would have led to…"

"It would 'a led ta my dyin' in 'bout two years?" His brows rose and he held her shoulders 'cause he could tell that she was 'bout ready ta bolt. "I don't care 'bout that, not if I'd have ta be with anybody but you."

She stared at him, unsure if she had heard him correctly. "No, I can't let you." She covered her abdomen with both hands. With her eyes closed, she pictured herself as she'd been, or would be, crying at his grave. She shook her head, too worried to care about correct verbiage at the moment.

He saw her unconscious gesture and it was like a punch in the gut. "I leave ya with a youngin' on the inside." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and covered both of her hands with one of his. The thought of her having his kid brought joy to his heart and filled him with despair when he thought it was something he'd never live to see.

"Yes…" She felt his pain along the edges of her mind. It was mixed with hers and it broke her heart. "I love you…" she had to tell him, he had to know what she felt; maybe it would make it easier.

"That a fact." He smiled as a number of pieces fell into place. "'Cause I…I…love ya…have for a while now, just was too stupid to know it, 'till last night," he had to whisper, but he was able to get the words out and he could tell that she heard them because she went lax against his chest, letting him support her weight. "I don't want ya just for sexin'. I want ya for my wife."

"You said the words, you made it real." She blinked at him as her eyes froze over and she was carried into the future. A future she'd seen twice before. _She and Jayne were sleeping wrapped tightly around one another. They were old and tired. Their children were grown with grown children of their…"_

"River where'd ya go, Babe? He'd picked her up and was sitting on a crate holding her tightly.

"It's back, it's all back. The words made it real. You've undone the damage I did. I think that was what made you careless, worrying about why you couldn't say the words. Your mind was on other things and you were killed."

"In the vision that scared ya so, I never told ya I loved ya?" he still had to whisper his feelin's but it seemed to be enough for her. "Never married ya when ya were havin' my youngin'?"

"No," she shook her head still amazed that he'd said the words. "We came together too soon. You had no time for feelings to grow."

"I deserved ta be shot." He hated to think he would 'a done that to River, but knew there'd been a time when he would 'a up and left anyone who he got in a family way. "Sure it wasn't Mal or that brother 'a yours that didn't take a gun ta me?"

"They knew I loved you and I think they hoped you'd realize you loved me too."

"I think it would be a mighty good idea for us to go and practice sayin' them words." He stood with her still in his arms and headed for the stairs. "The shuttle or my bunk?"

"Oh, definitely your bunk." She caressed his face and kissed him deeply. "I have no wish to make love for the first time with all of Inara's ghosts watching."

"Hate ta tell ya this, honey, but as far as I'm concerned, last night was our first time."

"I seemed to have missed something." River nibbled on his neck.

"I won't leave anythin' out this time." He looked at her as he got ta the top 'a the stairs. "Tomorrow mornin' afore we pick up the goods, we're gettin' married."

"I will marry you, but I'd like to do so at Southdown Abbey on Persephone. Shepherd Book studied there for years. We're due to make planet fall in eight days."

"Marry, who's getting married?" Simon looked up from the table where he was pretending to play cards with Inara, Kaylee and Zoë. The four of them had been listening at the top of the steps, and had quickly moved into the galley.

"We is. You okay with that Doc?" Jayne kept on walking with River in his arms.

"Not a problem in the worlds or any of their moons." He nodded at the older man. As much as he'd tried to prepare himself for this moment, it had still taken his breath away. His one conciliation was that he'd been sure to update the Merc's innocs the day after they'd talked. River wouldn't be getting pregnant anytime in the next six months.

"Zoë, would you tell the Captain that Jayne and I still have some things to settle but we need more privacy than the cargo bay. I shall be unable to relieve him on the bridge." River smiled and tried to look innocent, but from the way the First-Mate rolled her eyes, she knew she hadn't fooled anyone. "We're only following his orders."

The two disappeared down the ladder to the Merc's bunk. Jayne put her feet on the deck and slid out of his jacket. She carefully hung hers on the hook beside his. He watched her run her hand gently over both garments, a small smile on her face.

"Ya knew didn't ya?" He remembered the way she'd looked at her coat hanging beside his once before and it gave him a jolt to the stomach. "That's why ya kept sayin' ya never saw a whore."

"I'm sorry, but that day with the coffin, you wouldn't have believed, it would be further proof of my mental instability." She put her arms around him needing him to understand the driving fears that had kept her silent. "When we talked about it, that night we'd been in the ducts, all you asked was 'who's the whore'. I couldn't say anything because I'd begun to care about you and I knew you still had doubts about me. It was selfish, but you were the only one who saw me as a real person. It would have been too painful if you'd gone back to thinking I was the moonbrained girl."

"I don't know what I would 'a done, but you're right, I wouldn't 'a believed ya." He walked backward until he felt his bed hitting the backs of his knees. "It could 'a led to real trouble." He ran his fingers under the tiny straps that were holding up her top. "I was already thinkin' ya were ruttin' hot!"

"You were?" She grinned. No one had ever told her that before. "But I'm not anything like…them." She pointed to the pictures of naked woman hanging above his bed.

"Sorry, 'bout that, Babe." He turned and ripped them down, taking a moment to look around. For once things weren't too much of a mess. He sat on the bed and pulled her between his spread thighs. "I love ya, and there ain't never been anyone I wanted the way I want ya."

"I love you, too," she whispered as she pulled his shirt up and over his head. Her breath caught when she saw the scars on his chest. "I… hurt you." One small finger moved over the white ridges and they brought tears to her eyes.

"Naw ya didn't, Babe, ya brought me ta life." He reached down and untied his boots and then pulled hers off one foot at a time. "Now it's my turn ta bring you ta life." His hands slid under her tank top and he finally gave in to his desire to remove it. "You're perfect," he breathed as he pulled her close and covered one hard nipple with his lips.

She sighed as his hands moved over her and gasped as he unfastened her skirt. It fell into a pool of material at her feet, leaving her pressed against him in only her panties. "Jayne…" She gripped his shoulders to keep from loosing her balance.

"I got ya." He lifted her up and laid her on his bed. Always careful to touch or stroke her, he removed the rest of his clothes and lay facing her in bed.

"I like the feel of your skin." River ran her hand over his shoulder and down to his stomach. "The texture is different than mine." She grinned. "Man skin to go with your man parts for your girl's name." She reached lower and enjoyed the way he instantly hardened against her hand.

"Easy there, Girlie, or ya may miss out on somethin' again tonight." He rolled her beneath him careful to take his weight on his elbows. "My man parts are excited enough without you doin' too much explorin'."

"You were able to explore me last night."

"Yeah and I want ta be able to do it a bit more thoroughly tonight." He reached between them for her wandering hands and pulled them back to his shoulders. "I need ya to listen ta me, River." He held her face in his palms and tried to keep his body under control. "I ain't been anybody's first time before. One thing I learned 'bout you last night is that you're as small and tight in your girl parts as ya are everywhere else. You need to let me take the lead and tell me if'n I'm hurtin' ya. I'll be careful, but I ain't a mind reader."

"I can't read yours either, at least not about personal things. When we're working I know exactly what you need me to do, but when it is our private lives I don't know where I leave off and you begin. It's been that way for a few weeks."

"Okay." He kissed her temple and ran his hands through her hair until it fanned out on his pillow as he'd dreamed 'a seein' it. "Okay, that makes it a mite harder. I just don't want ya ta be scared."

"The only thing that frightens me about you is the thought of being without you."

"Never gonna happen, Babe. Never gonna happen, 'cause I love ya." He kissed her deeply as his hands moved over her soft skin. He played, touched and teased her until she was gasping for breath beneath him.

"Please Jayne I need you." She looked at him with feverish brown eyes. The deep clawing ache was worse than the night before and her body was on fire.

"Put your legs 'round my hips. We're gonna take this real slow, 'cause it's gonna be a tight fit."

"My muscles are very flexible," she told him adamantly.

"Yeah, but you never used these muscles afore."

"We will fit!" She grabbed his shoulders and tried to shake him, not wanting to wait longer.

"That's my stubborn girl." He kissed her and slid slowly into her. "River open your eyes, I need ta see ya. Don't wanna hurt ya."

"Ohhh!" she cried out and held onto him tightly. "I'm all right. It is a natural thing. Love you," she whispered and met his blue gaze, as she bit her lip.

"I love ya, too, Babe." He clenched his teeth at how wonderful she felt even as he'd caused her pain. It didn't seem fair so he held very still until he was sure she was all right.

"Don't stop." Her legs tightened around his hips and she was tempted to rock her pelvis tight against his. She knew intellectually what was happening but books hadn't prepared her for the wonder of the real thing. She felt everything and wanted more. For the first time since the Academy she longed to feel more.

"You still with me, Babe," Jayne's voice was hoarse with desire. Every instinct told him to move hard and fast, to take care of his own needs, his partner's be-damned, but he didn't. Instead he moved slowly into her.

"Yes," she nodded taking deep breaths to allow her muscles to adjust. "It is wonderful when you touch me on the outside, but to feel you on the inside is to become a part of you, to be real."

"If you're ready, things are 'bout to get a whole lot more real." He brought his right hand up and covered her breast, pullin' and tweakin' her nipple. When she shivered at his touch he grinned at her. "Ya like that. Sometime we gotta see if I can make ya come just by touchin' ya there." When she laughed and agreed with him he wondered if he'd been a fool for the last twenty years or if this was just another way River was different from most people. He couldn't remember the last time a woman was turned on when he'd touched her above the waist.

"No more slow." She rocked her hips slightly and was rewarded with wonderful sensations running through out her body and Jayne's kiss. "I want…"

"I know, Babe, I know."

She looked at his face and the depth of the color in his eyes and couldn't look away. It was like the night before but hundreds of times better. She felt him moving and cried out. Then she was suspended, it was just the two of them. She didn't feel anything except where he was touched her, filled her, surrounded her. But his eyes carried her deep into him. She'd heard the Captain say that everyone died alone but Jayne was showing her how wrong Mal was. She'd never be alone again. There would always be this man, her man. Jayne would be part of her forever.

Jayne felt her body tighten around his and gasped as he rocked in and out of her. Conscious thought left him. His body moved on instinct and so did hers. He heard her gasp in joy; could smell her sweet scent; everywhere he was sensitized to her touch; the taste of her mouth was still on his tongue; but most of all he saw deep into her eyes as they blew through time and space together to the gentle rhythm of her body's deep contractions. He dove deeper and cried out her name as he filled her. In that moment he knew he'd been right the night before. He not only touched her soul, his fused with hers.

Later Jayne held her tight in his arms. "I love ya, River," he whispered the words that made her smile. "That Chinese samurai ya like so much is right. Lovin' ya gives me strength ta be what I gotta be, but knowin' ya love me, that gives me the courage ta do it."

She smiled at him and kissed him because she knew he'd tell her those words every night for at least the next fifty years.

……………………………….

Two weeks later they were married, in what had been Shepherd Book's garden, at Southdown Abbey on Persephone. The sky was blue and a gentle wind made the trees rustle. They were surrounded by birds chirping and the scent of rosemary, lavender, and basil. Tall stone walls kept the noise of the city out and the peace that belonged to the ancient buildings and their grounds in.

Everyone saw, but no one but River took note of, the cowled, robed form of a new initiate working in a distant field. The man was tall, black and the pieces of his mind that hadn't been wiped clean pressed lightly against the bride's. For a moment she gripped her brother's arm tightly before walking down the wide path that separated herbs from flowers, to join her husband to-be and their friends who were gathered in front of the old Shepherd who had been Book's mentor.

The young reader sniffed the air for danger, but found none. As the distant man had told Mal a few months earlier, _'you won't (see me again), there is nothing left to see.'_

"I'm ready now Simon." She smiled, as she sent the lone man a mental message that she'd picked up from Kaylee long ago. Since the young mechanic always remembered the words as she and Book had spoken them, that was the how River sent them.

'_So how come ya don't care where you're going?'_ River smiled, she knew that when Kaylee had asked that question she'd really meant, 'how come you don't care that much 'bout the ship ya sail on.

'_Cause how you get there is the worthier part.'_ How indeed, the young woman looked into the blue eyes of the man waiting for her and her heart sang. It had been a worthy journey for them all and in many ways they were just starting out on a new one.

'_You a missionary?'_ Kaylee's words from over a year ago were being slowly sent to the distant working man so he could absorb their importance.

'_Been out of the world for a spell. Like to walk it a while, maybe bring the word to them as need it.'_ Along with what Book had said, River took another moment to send a sharp clear picture of an ancient Firefly class ship. The young woman knew that it would be a long spell before the new initiate would be in the world again. The man's hair would be long and white, in neat corn rows to keep it from caving in his brain. He had much to do and learn until he was remade with all his cracks mended and missing vacant spots repaired. She hoped by giving him a peek at Book's back pages it would help him find his way to peace.

As Simon handed River over to Jayne, she stood on tip-toes and kissed her brother's cheek. "Thank you for everything. I'll always love you," she whispered.

"And I you, Dummy." He tweaked her nose and laughed. "It's not too late, you can always change your mind." He knew she wouldn't but it was his responsibility as her older brother to remind her of that.

"It was too late from the moment I met him, Brat! I'll be sure to ask you the same question in a few months' time." She glanced in Kaylee's direction.

"You don't say."

"No I don't." She would use her physic powers to help them and keep them out of trouble, but never again meddle in the crew's personal life._ Though two years down the road what she'd seen for Mal and Inara would come to pass. But instead of the Captain wrapping his long brown coat around his very pregnant woman and holding her as she cried over Jayne's fresh grave, he did so as they honored Wash, Book and Mr. Universe, on Serenity's yearly trip to Haven._

As Simon stepped back, she felt two others join them. The shadowy form of Shepherd Book smiled his blessings as he stood beside his mentor, as much a part of the ceremony as he could be. She knew if she looked over her shoulder to where Zoë stood she'd see a dim outline of a laughing blonde man waiting patiently for the long years to pass and his woman to join him.

Then she was surrounded by Jayne's mental presence as he put his arm around her. It had been a strong sure companion since the afternoon they'd first made love two weeks earlier. He blocked all the others, keeping her safe and cared for. She felt a steadiness take hold and knew that this was where she was always meant to be. It finally made sense, the hell of the Academy, the craziness, all the killing and bloodshed. It brought her to this moment and this man and she wouldn't trade it for anything.

_**The End**_


End file.
